"Quinon proficit deficit." -Latin phrase
He who does not advance, goes backwards.
"What do you mean kinda friends? Are you keeping something from me?" Eddy asked jokingly, still in disbelief from that information.
"Kinda thought you knew. I thought you knew how our past life played out from your visions." Brett replied, holding Eddy close.
"I don't really remember being with anyone else in the visions besides you, Belle and Alex." Eddy whispered.
"Let's go get that journal, then. So we could both remember in exact detail." Brett started, standing up and urging Eddy to do the same thing.
After saying their goodbyes and going to Brett's family home, they packed his things and immediately went to their apartment. He brought out Brett's stuff and immediately set themselves on the bed. The boxes can wait, but the journal can't. Especially Eddy's been dying of curiousity. After they were comfortable, Eddy opened up a random page and started reading outloud.
- - - - -
September 18, 1860
How could I bare my heart and soul to my beloved if we are both men? How do I freely love him if we cannot be accepted by my family, his family, our society and the world? How could I tell him I love him if he might be repulsed by me if I speak what my heart wants to scream out?
How can I tell him that I love him without the risk of it being illegal? Tell me, how is it so wrong for me to love? Tell me, am I such a criminal just because I am in love? Tell me, is it really that repulsive if I love him more than I ever loved myself?
I do not understand, if it is so illegal to love a man if I am also man, then why did I love him? I certainly did not choose to love him. I just love him and is it so wrong?
Why does it hurt every time I imagine a life without ever knowing him? I cannot contain and internalize all these feelings. Is writing about him fueling the passion that already burns in my chest? Oh, I just want to be free with my love? Is that so much to ask for?
I do not think of these things intentionally but there are some thoughts that I entertain when I am alone at night, lonely and cold. I imagine him underneath me, open and willing. Waiting and anticipating my next move, will I enter or shall I tease him more? I imagine how his voice would sound like, his sighs and his delectable moans. All the incoherent mumbles that only he could produce if my skin comes alive with his?
Other times, when I am in lesser need, I imagine him holding onto me. Clinging to me for his dear life, begging me to always stay with him. I want to tell him that he does not need to ask me such a favor because I will gladly do it without him even asking. I imagine running my fingers through his soft hair and lulling him to sleep with a lullaby that is reserved only for him. I imagine his hands wrapped around my back as I hold him close when we are sleeping.
I imagine kissing him tenderly and loving him the way he deserves to be loved. It is hard to imagine how lost I would be if he was not around. I want to make him believe that I have control when he is the one controlling me, how bewitching those eyes are, how tempting those lips are and how his inhales have now become my exhales and my exhales have now become his inhales. It is out of question, though. I still have a lot of them constantly running on my mind but I believe it does not matter.
We must reinvent love.
- - - - -
"I never really realized that love was harder for people who loved the same sex or gender as them." Eddy started.
"Aren't we lucky that we live in a time where our marriage is legal?" Brett said, smiling at Eddy.
There was a moment of awkward silence between them until Eddy decided to break the silence.
"Such a genuine love, isn't it? What you had for me after all this time is so beautiful and raw."
"I know... But you know, everything in here isn't just me." Brett started, shuffling over to the last pages. "You could see that the handwriting slowly becomes different, even the style of writing. I personally think that this is one of the prettiest parts of all this." He added, pointing at the very first entry that isn't his own.
"I wish I brought that handwriting to this lifetime. Look at it, it's so beautiful." Eddy said, fingertips tracing over the thousand year old page.
"Hubby, of course their handwriting before is prettier, they had limited access to printing. Now, we could just print whatever we wanted to." Brett replied.
"Yeah, you're right," he said. "Anyways, will you do the honors and read us what I wrote you before, Brett?" Eddy concluded, hugging his husband closer to him.
"No, not yet. I might cry." Brett joked.
"Fuck off, I've been crying for the past hour. It's your turn..." Eddy joked back.
"Fine." Brett retorted, opening the page again.
- - - - -
January 10, 1903
After all these years, he stayed as my lover. Even after he thought that I never reciprocated his. Maybe, this is what they call unconditional love, maybe this is what he meant by loving me. I am just lucky enough to be with a man who loves me dearly. I may have been married to a woman for the sake of compliance but he still cherishes me to this day.
I do not ever know what I did to deserve this miracle but it makes me happy. Truly happy. Oh, would you like to know the way he holds me? He holds me as though he will lose me again. He holds me as though I remain to be his only source of warmth. He holds me as though I am his reason to live.
Every single time I am reminded of this, I hold on to him the same way he does to me. I believe it is the best I could do. I let him down before, so I shall not do so anymore. I am deeply in love with this man that no words are able to fathom or comprehend the way I feel.
I do not know how long I may live, but as long as I am breathing, I have always loved him, I love him and I will always love him. Always love him.
- - - - -
"I know that writing has not always been my strong suit but mainly, I can't write it all down." Eddy started after seeing Brett shed a few tears.
"Oh, fuck off, Eddy. You heard what you wrote before." Brett said, starting to joke in order to lighten the situation.
"You fuck off, Tchaikovsky was in love with you in your past life yet you chose me. Pretty stupid, if you ask me." Eddy joked back.
"Oh, we're still friends with Tchaikovsky." Brett mentioned nonchalantly.
"How could you just tell me this now?" Eddy asked in such disbelief.
"I forgot? Again, in my defense, I thought you were aware." Brett defended. "Would you like to guess who it is?" He added.
"No, just fucking tell me, hubby." Eddy said sarcastically.
"Okay, it's Jordon."
"Actually, that makes so much sense."
"Really?"
"Really."
They stayed quiet for a while and just basked in the glory of realization. They took all of what they could digest and wrapped their heads around the concept of their very colorful past life.
"I love you, Brett." Eddy finally said, breaking their silences and breaking into tears. "I cannot believe how lucky I am to have you." He added, smiling at his lover.
Brett enveloped him in his arms. He smiled back at his beloved, slowly the grin turns mischievous.
"You called me hubby in order to get what you want." Brett started, laughing at the realization.
"I was expecting an 'I love you too, Eddy.' But you gave me this shit, instead. I cannot believe I married a dumbass." Eddy joked, smiling at his lovely husband.
"Very rich, coming from mister 'I never wanted to marry but here I am' boy. You know I love you so much." Brett joked at the first half, but sincerely saying the second half.
"I know..."
"So... You wanna read more or do you wanna nap?"
"Of course we should nap. We have the rest of our lives to worry about our past. What matters is that I'm with you herein forward."
"You always sweet talk your way into things, hubby."
"Call me hubby one more time and I'm sleeping on the couch."
"Oh, fuck off. You used it to manipulate me to answering."
"Very true."