"So you mean to tell me that the two of you have just been walking around with no security? Wow!" Blake exclaimed as Taylor told her about Rosa. "Even when we're in Australia, we don't go anywhere. Except sometimes one of us will take Inez and James out to get icecream."
"And the sweetest thing about it, is that she knows who we are. I'm not quite sure how, but she knows who we are and she says that our secret is safe with her." Taylor said as she changed Thea. "Thank you for telling us about this... I don't know what we would have done if we hadn't have left home for a while."
"It's truly the best thing we've ever done. It's nice for the kids to get away from everything too - I mean, they don't need to be filmed every time they go out either. I know that James is starting to realise that it's not normal." Blake told her as she adjusted Betty's dress.
"Mommy?!" Inez shouted from down the hall, and Blake laughed.
"What, baby?" Blake called back, and Inez came running in with her arms stuck in her sweater.
"Daddy said you'd help!" She struggled as Blake helped her to put her top on properly.
"What's Daddy doing?" Blake asked as Inez sat down beside her.
"He's with James!" Inez rolled about on the floor, kissing Betty's cheek. "Can we go yet?" She whined and Taylor smiled.
"We'll leave when everything's ready!" Blake laughed. "Baby, you'll just have to be patient!"
"But it's boring because Benji hasn't woken up yet!"
"Do you want to come and help me pick out and outfit for Thea while Mommy gets ready?" Taylor asked.
"Yes!" Inez was at Taylor's side in an instant.
"Thank you!" Blake called after her, as Taylor took both Thea and Inez into the bedroom.
Inez sat on Taylor's bed, while Taylor held up all the clothes they had.
"No..." She shook her head at a little pink onesie. "What about this one?" She pointed to one that had little cats all over it. "This one is the best!" Taylor grinned.
"Alright! Good job - I couldn't have picked better myself." She got Thea into the little onesie, distracting Inez with Olivia, who was sitting in the bed, ready for someone to play with her.
Taylor put on some plain exercise pants, a singlet and a sweatshirt. It wasn't too cold outside, but the wind was bitter.
"It feels like I haven't seen you all morning," Joe smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. "I miss you."
Taylor laughed, turning around to face him, her arms around his neck. "Are you okay? You look tired today," she observed, and he cupped her cheeks.
"I'm perfectly fine," he kissed her. "Are you ready to go?"
Taylor nodded, but she still couldn't stop thinking about those dark circles under his eyes. He seemed fine - but Taylor also knew that he didn't like to show his feelings in that way. She let it go for the moment, but knew she'd have to ask him about it again.
They walked down to the tearoom, Taylor greeting them with a beaming smile.
"Good morning!" She greeted them, and Taylor grinned.
"Hey, Rosa!" She loved this little corner of the world so much. "We'll be keeping you busy today!"
"I see!" Rosa smiled at Inez, who was already looking outside at all the flowers. "What can I get you all today?"
They ordered their drinks, and Taylor waited with Rosa.
"Before I leave today, give me your bank account details." She smiled as she talked to her.
"You really don't have to do that."
"I do, Rosa. You've been so kind and I want to thank you for everything. For keeping our secret... it means so much to me. It's not often that we get to get away from everything, and I just really appreciate the fact that you haven't told anyone. How did you know it was me?" Taylor asked.
"I have a couple of grandchildren that like you, they're always playing your music and getting excited about new music." Rosa handed Taylor her drink, and she helped her carry them out to the table where they were sitting. "Here you go!" She brought out Joe's, Blake's and Ryan's drinks, and Taylor sat down beside Joe.
"Isn't this place just the best?" She smiled. Rosa came back with little drinks for the girls. James had a hot chocolate like Taylor, but hers had cream and sprinkles on the top, and Inez had a fluffy.
"It is so beautiful," Blake sighed. "I think we might need to add this place into our repertoire of places we come, don't you think?" She asked Ryan, who nodded.
"Most definitely."
They sat in the sun, laughing about their funny stories, and Inez and her little cream moustache, and Taylor couldn't help but wish that this was what her life was like all the time. She was torn between her life as it was - because she really loved her fans, she really did. But getting a taste of what a normal life is like... she wished that she could have the best of both worlds. If only there were a way to do both...
Taylor knew that she had to start thinking about her statement - the trial was less than two weeks away. She'd shut herself away in one of the spare bedrooms, while Blake, Joe and Ryan were down at the beach with the girls. She knew that she had to listen to that voicemail, knew that she had to be able to quote it directly. She plugged in her headphones, and sat with a notebook and a pen. She didn't even know where to begin. She didn't know what to say, how to write it all down.
This was one of the hardest things that she'd ever had to do. She didn't want to listen to it again - didn't want all of those memories to be brought back into her head. She hadn't listened to it at all since it happened, when she'd managed to get him to calm down. She knew she had to do this, but that just didn't make it any easier.
Her finger hovered over her voice recordings, scrolling past the song recordings, past her midnight thoughts... scrolling down to the one that was labelled Adam. She let her finger hover over it, because she just didn't know if she was ready. Was she ready to hear it? To feel exactly what she'd felt back then? She didn't think so. Taylor didn't know if she'd ever be ready to hear it. But she thought of Thea. Of why she was doing this, and pressed play. She had to do this, because in doing this, she was getting her freedom back.
She only has to listen to three seconds of it to feel sick. Hearing his voice, hearing her panicked breathing as he held her to the wall. It wasn't even like she was listening to anything - it felt as if she was actually there, as if she'd been taken back to that night. She'd been with him for almost a year when it had happened, but she'd only lived with him for three months. Three months of convincing herself that this was normal. Three months of believing that he'd stop when he promised. Three months, that had turned into three years, of feeling like it was her fault.
The chair beneath me is warm - I've been sitting here all day. Adam said he'd only be gone for a couple of hours, it's been six. A part of me doesn't care that he hasn't come home... a part of me knows that's better for me because he hasn't been able to hit me. He loves me, that's why he does it.
I bring my knees into my chest, staring out the window. Was love supposed to hurt this bad?
He said it was love, said that it was just because I made him mad. He promised that when I was better, when I didn't do as many frustrating things, that's when he'd stop. Of course I believed him - I didn't have another choice. There's nowhere to go, no one would believe me.
This chair has become a friend of mine. I sit here and imagine a life that isn't mine. Imagine blue eyes looking into mine a painting me golden in a way that Adam's never could. A life where I decided that I'd just go up to him and talk to him instead of letting Adam dance with me the entire night. What would have been different if I had just been brave enough to talk to him?
I don't even know why I can't get him out of my head - I don't know why he's the only part of that night worth remembering... I don't know why I feel like I'm lost in his eyes. I've never even met him before.
I hear the door slam and can't help but flinch. I can't help but wish that he hadn't come home yet... I shouldn't even be thinking like that. I love him. Sometimes he'll bring me flowers if he's hurt me. That's love, isn't it? He apologises after he hurts me... he says he wants what's best for me. That's love, surely it is.
Taylor had to bring herself away from it for a few moments, going over to the window, and watched her friends and Joe from a distance, smiling. She loved watching them, Blake with James and Thea building sandcastles and Joe with Ryan and Inez in the water.
She should go and join in on the fun, but she didn't feel like that right now. She wanted to get this done in one go, so that she'd never have to listen to it again. It caused her too much pain.
"Taylor? Baby, where are you?" I wince as I hear him looking for me. "I missed you - oh, you're there. Do you ever sit anywhere else?"
I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel like he's mad at me already, I don't want him to get angry.
My bones hurt, my soul hurts. It all hurts too much right now.
"Have you gone mute?" Adam came into view and I look over to him. He's still got a bottle in his hand, and he can barely walk straight. "I really missed you, baby. I'm sorry I was gone for so long." I dread every second of what I know is coming. He pulled me up, and kissed me. Kisses shouldn't be like this, shouldn't feel like this. Whatever he was drinking is still laced on his lips, and burns.
"Adam, I don't feel like doing this right now." I try to tell him. I try to stop his hands from wandering my body but it's no use. He backs me up against a wall.
"Do you know what I did today?" He asked me, and I feel him kiss my neck, his hand on my throat. "I did something really bad, Taylor." He's so drunk that he doesn't know what he's saying... I try to tell myself that he's too drunk for this, but then I smell it. The perfume that's not mine. I try and pull away because it's suffocating. His hand clenches around my throat and he laughs. "It was so bad." He shouldn't be laughing. I can't breathe, but I can still think straight. I pull my phone out of my pocket, and quickly press record. Whatever it is, whatever he's done, it might be important to have a record of.
I can't speak, the world is going blurry. It's spinning.
"But... no body... no crime," he whispered into my ear. He finally let go as he kissed me. I would have fallen to the ground if he hadn't been propping me up. My head is ringing, and I know that there's going to be a bruise. My heart is pounding, and I'm trying to find the breath to speak.
"What- what did you do?" I ask... because I need him to say it. He crouches down in front of me, taking my chin in his hand. I've never seen him looking like this before, never seen that anger in him. I don't even know what he's going to tell me, I don't know what to expect. Surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to do something that would impact his career.
"It wasn't my fault," He told me as he pulled me upwards. The world was still spinning. "I did what I had to do to protect us."
"What did you do, Adam?" I ask him, as he keeps kissing me, his hand trying to take off my shirt.
"She was just a fucking random girl, baby. She literally threw herself at me, I had no other choice."
What had he done? What was he going to tell me?
"What did you do?" I asked him again and he just laughed.
"And then she told me that she was going to tell everyone about what I do to you - which is so stupid because I don't even do anything except love you!" He pulled away and I moved away from him. What the fuck was he going to tell me? He ran his hands through his hair, and I knew it wasn't good.
"What did you do?"
"Will you stop fucking asking that?" Adam spun around, his hand hitting my face with such force that I stumble backwards. He grabs my wrists and pulls me up, holding my face so that I'm forced to look him straight in the eyes. "I did what had to be done, baby. I couldn't have her trying to take you away from me. Too many people try to take you away, and I'm fucking tired of it. So I made sure that she wasn't an issue anymore. I protected us from them. There can only be us, baby."
I'm about to ask him again, I'm about to ask him what he did to the girls who's perfume is all over him, the girls who's red lipstick is smeared across his cheek.
"Did you kill her?" I asked instead, praying that the answer was going to be no. Begging the universe to not let him be that stupid. What the fuck would I do if he had?
He laughed, pushing me backwards. I am winded by the impact of the wall. "Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I didn't take it that far." But he didn't sound sure.
"But you hurt her-"
"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled, pushing me backwards, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. "She's fine. She might not be able to remember a thing, but she's still fucking alive." The words wrecked havoc in my head. What had he done? "It wasn't that high." He shrugged, taking another big gulp of his drink.
My heart was pounding, what am I supposed to do?
"I pushed her." He said between mouthfuls.
"We have to tell-"
"Don't you fucking finish that sentence." He slapped me. The slaps didn't hurt anymore, they happened too often. It was more like a tidal wave of numbness that spread throughout my body. "I pushed her, okay? She hit her head, but she's fine."
"What do you mean, she's fine! Adam-"
"Taylor, you know that if you tell people, they're not going to believe you, right?" He paused, stroking my cheek, but I flinch away from his touch. "They're going to think you are lying about it - they're never going believe a word you say." He hissed. I can feel my heartbeat in my ear, I can barely breathe. "They're going to blame you, baby. And all of those precious fans will turn their backs on you and you'll never be good enough for anyone but me." The words cut deep. "I pushed her off a ledge... a fucking cliff. So what... big deal! There was blood - so much blood... but she was fine. Just because she wasn't... wasn't moving... she's fine..." I tried to push him off of me, tried to get him away. What had he done? What was he going to do? What was she supposed to do? "And if you fucking say a word, then you'll be blamed. No one will ever believe a word you say, because you know that you're only fucking good for your voice. Other than that, there's not much going for you." He spat. I feel his words soaking into my core, the core of who I am. They sting like a thousand tiny cuts. "You'll be ruined," he told me. "And I will fucking kill you if you dare tell anyone about it. I will fucking kill you. And you know that I don't lie. Fuck, baby. You know I will. If you fucking tell a single soul what happened... then you know what I'm capable of."
She stopped it there. Those words were too much. She couldn't do this - she couldn't relive it again. It hurt too much. This hurt too much. She couldn't do it.
"Taylor," she felt warm arms wrapped around her, felt the warmth of another person. Joe was sitting with his arms around her, holding her tightly. "Love," he kissed her cheek. "You're okay."
She nodded, unable to find tears. They refused to come.
"Do you think that people are going to believe me?" She asked Joe quietly.
"Of course they are, Taylor. You wouldn't lie." He kissed her forehead. "He made you believe that your voice wouldn't be believed, but believe me when I tell you, that it will. Your voice holds the most power out of just about anyone else. There won't be a single person in that room who will be able to deny your truth." He kissed her temple, holding her hands in his lap. "You are so strong, my love. And I'm sorry that you have to get up there and say what he did to you. I'm sorry that you have to go through it again." He held her tightly, and she never, ever wanted him to let her go. "But I know that you can do this. I'll be there, every single step of the way. You won't be doing this alone."
She leaned up and kissed him, knowing, with all her heart, that she could do this. It would be hard, and it would take everything she had left to give, but she could do this. She could do this with Joe at her side, knowing that Thea would be at home, knowing that this would mean she'd never have to worry about it again. She would do this for them. For herself. They all deserved that peace, finally.