Chapter 22: XXII
Summary:
Hey everyone!
I'm finally back to regular updates. Round of applause for meeeee!
Also, if you're ever looking for something different to read, you should check out the new Larry fic that my BFF is writing. She's an amazing writer and you won't be disappointed!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/11904543/chapters/26895000
As always, thanks for reading and I hope you like this chapter!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
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Fireworks sounded off from somewhere in the distance and from behind his eyelids, Louis could see the sky brighten as the sparks rained down on the city. His lips were still pressed against Harry's. It was impossible to measure exactly how long they'd been pressed together, feeding each other air in the form of soft exhales and quiet moans. Louis was so far gone into it that the world could have been ending around him and he wouldn't have noticed. He had nearly memorized every inch of Harry's face and the perfect way that his lips fit against Louis' own.
How on earth had it taken him this long to know? Harry's kisses were so soft and perfect and Louis could feel it. He had spent his entire life convinced that he'd never have a moment like this. That there would never be a person out there who wanted him like this: and then there was Harry.
Harry.
Harry who had woken him up from his comatose existence. Who had listened to every piece of his heart without judgement. Who had sat quietly by while Louis learned who he was. While he learned who they were. How they fit together. He'd just sat there with all the patience in the world like he knew that some day Louis would finally clue in. That some day Louis would finally believe it.
He wanted to cry—to break in the best possible way. Louis had spent every single second of his entire existence feeling like a stain, like he was never wanted, like he couldn't possibly belong anywhere and Harry had gone and given him an entire universe. He wasn't just the messed up rich boy from the most prominent family in Doncaster who didn't fit anywhere. He fit right there. Pressed against Harry and the only thing he could think to do was sob like an infant.
Louis had spent years trying not to break and it only took him giving up on life completely to find a safe place to do it. Harry could hold him together. Harry was strong enough to give him strength he never imagined.
For the first time he could ever remember, Louis felt okay. Tears started to pour from his eyes and a sob slipped between Harry's lips. Gently, Harry cupped his cheeks and pulled back, softly kissing Louis' cheek.
"Lou," he cooed, "shh, 'm right here,"
Harry pulled Louis tightly against his chest, running careful fingers through his hair as he rocked them back and forth.
"I didn't know," Louis voice cracked as he said the words. His hands were in fists, gripping Harry's tshirt between them.
He felt Harry's lips against his hair and he was a fucking mess but for once it felt okay. For once Louis was finally where he belonged. For once he wasn't embarrassing himself by being in the wrong place at the wrong time and the arms that were wrapped around him were the right ones.
"Didn't know what?" Harry's voice was calm, grounding and it hummed through Louis' veins, making the tears come harder.
"I didn't know I could want this," he admittedly softly, "that you could ever want me,"
Harry held him tighter, "oh, Lou," he placed a kiss on Louis' forehead, "I've never wanted anything like I want you,"
Louis felt it. He believed the words even though he never thought he could. Harry wanted this. He wanted them and Louis had taken his time getting there, but Harry hadn't wavered and there was something beautiful about that fact. For his entire life Louis was reminded that he didn't really belong and maybe he never had, but this was different. He'd been born into a family that didn't want him and he'd been surrounded by people who had thrived on taking advantage of his weaknesses. Harry hadn't even wasted a second being like that. Instead of using him and destroying like Matt had from the first moment they'd met, he'd used his upper hand in life to lift Louis up.
Louis couldn't believe that this was happening. Couldn't believe that he was allowed to have this. Couldn't believe that the universe had finally taken pity on him for all the shit he'd been through. After so many years of being certain he'd never get this, that there was no point in even wishing he could have it, here he was, wrapped safely in Harry's arms and he didn't think there could possibly be a better place in the world.
He looked up at Harry and it was all a bit overwhelming. He hadn't known that their night was going to end here. He had no idea he was going to go for it. That shouldn't have been a surprise, though, because Louis was usually the last to know everything. The entire night, really, should have been a clear indication to him that he wasn't okay with what he and Harry were. Being his best friend wasn't enough. Maybe he should have known that all along, but in the same breath, it wasn't surprising that it would just all come to a head. That the feelings inside of him would boil over and completely catch him off guard and have him tugging harry to a quiet corner and throwing himself at him.
Thank God, thank Allah, thank Aphrodite and every other god that might have been responsible for Harry catching him. The world might have actually ended if he hadn't.
Louis could still hear the music pumping from the flat and people were still singing and talking and screaming and there was just too much going on. Louis needed silence. He needed to clear his head and figure out the right things to say to Harry. He needed to be far away from the chaotic party.
"Can we go somewhere quiet?" He mumbled into Harry's shoulder.
Harry pressed his lips to Louis' temple, "Marsha?"
Harry's voice was quiet and raspy and it sent shocks through Louis' body, setting a fire in his belly. Had Harry always been so positively desirable? Why did it feel like he was only just seeing everything for the first time?
"Marsha," Louis confirmed.
Harry pulled back then and Louis really looked at him for the first time since their kiss. Harry's eyes were foggy and his lips were a few shades pinker than they're been before. The most surprising part of all though, was that his gorgeous green eyes were glued to Louis like there wasn't a single thing in the world that he would rather have been looking at. Louis felt his heart lurch in his chest, trying to throw itself at Harry again. It was only a half a second of staring at each other before Harry's face broke into a dazzling grin and he reached out and captured Louis' hand in his. He tugged on it gently before pressing his lips to Louis' forehead.
Louis was about 98% certain that time had stopped. He and Harry were the only people left awake and they were roaming the earth alone and it was perfect. The world was silenced around them and the only thing that he could focus on, the only thing that mattered, was the press of Harry's lips against his forehead. The only thing that mattered was them because Louis finally got it. He was the last person on earth to clue in, but he had and now everything felt like he was looking through a haze. A haze that was brought on by the heat and intensity of Harry and his body's reaction to their closeness. Louis couldn't possibly think about anything else other than the feel of Harry's palm against his and their palms had been pressed together a million times before that, but this was different. This was him finally giving into the fire between them. This was him finally understanding why Harry meant so much to him.
The world continued to blur around him as Harry slowly lead them through the crowded flat. Vaguely he was aware that Niall had called after them. He heard Harry say something back, but he was too focused on the way that Harry had tucked him into his side, protecting him from the demands of everyone around them. As they passed the couch, Louis was somewhat aware that Zayn and Liam were no longer there, but he was so distracted by the feeling of Harry's heartbeat being pressed against his ribcage to bother searching the room for them. Harry's hand found the doorknob to exit the flat and this was really happening. They were really doing this. Instead of simply locking themselves in Harry's bedroom and reading each other poetry as they had time and time again when the party scene had gotten to be too much for them, they were actually leaving—together. Louis was tucked into Harry's side and it was intimate in a way that it had never been before. Surely everyone could see that things had changed—that they had changed—but Harry didn't care. He didn't try to hide. He wasn't ashamed of Louis and Louis might cry again. He might spend the next portion of his life crying about the first person to ever make him feel worthy.
When they found the elevator Louis hadn't even bothered to wait for the door to close before he searched out Harry's lips again. There was just so much that he hadn't known. There were so many little things about Harry that he'd somehow ignored and failed to appreciate. Like the way his curls felt when Louis wound his fingers through them. Like the way his skin always seemed to carry a warmth to it, a warmth that only served to light fires within Louis. Like the way he muttered soft words into Louis' mouth as his kissed him. The way he laid promises against Louis' neck between the kisses he placed there. Louis was overwhelmed in the best possible way.
The world stilled and blurred around them. At some point they must have reached the bottom floor of Harry's building and Harry must have lead him to Marsha because when Louis finally came-to and realized where he was, he was in the passenger's seat, leaning across the gear-shift to kiss Harry. Harry's hands were soft as he held Louis' face, just inches away from his own. He was smiling softly and the car was probably about forty degrees inside and Louis was so lost in Harry's eyes.
Harry gently kissed the tip of his nose and leaned his forehead against Louis'—a practice that was starting to feel like some kind of routine that had been a part of their lives forever.
"I'm sorry," Louis didn't even know he was going to speak, didn't know he had any notion of what to say.
"Why are you apologizing?" Harry's voice was still ragged and Louis felt all sorts of chills run down his spine.
"Because I didn't know. I didn't know for so long and you knew and—"
"I waited," confirmed Harry, "I waited because I knew you'd see it."
Louis felt his lip tremble as he said the words, "thank you,"
Harry ran the pad of his thumb over Louis' lip and Louis closed his eyes, trying to figure out how he got here. How he somehow stopped being afraid of his own shadow and opened his eyes to the beauty of the world around him. He could see it all now. He could see Harry for everything he was and everything he'd given Louis and it was just a lot. It felt him breathless and wordless and lost in a place that he didn't quite know how to navigate but dammit if he wasn't willing to figure it out. He'd make this work because if there was one thing in his life that he was not willing to fuck up, it was Harry.
"Can we..."
"Yeah," said Harry, answering the question before Louis could even figure out how to phrase what he wanted, "yeah, your place," Harry gave Louis another deep kiss, pulling back and breathing the rest of his words into Louis' mouth, "want to hold you in your bed,"
...
Again, Louis gapped out. He wasn't quite sure how they'd gotten to his house. They were parked outside, Harry having killed the engine to Marsha. He didn't remember a thing about the drive aside from the quiet way that Harry had hummed along with the radio and the fact that his hands somehow seemed to be all over Louis instead of the steering wheel. Louis was literally on the verge of bursting into flames because he wanted so many things physically that conflicted with his stunted emotional growth. Harry wasn't Matt and he wasn't sure if there was anything comforting in that fact, because with Matt it had never been a question about how he felt. He'd never had anything to lose, but with Harry he wanted things to be right. He wanted to be good and he didn't want to think about where they would be if he was anything less than perfect.
Which he was.
It was horrifying trying to keep his cool as Harry's hand sat heavy on his thigh and his breath filled the tiny car with the smell of champagne and minty toothpaste. Louis hadn't even sipped the champagne that Liam had placed in his hand but he somehow felt more inebriated than he ever had just because of Harry's presence. Everything inside of him felt like it weighed a million kilograms and every move Harry made sent his heart tripping. His veins were electrical wires which pumped the feeling through every centimetre of his body.
"Hey, Lou?" Harry's voice sounded like he knew that Louis was getting lost in the hell-hole of his insecurities. How did he know everything? How did he fix everything inside of Louis without even a moment's hesitation? How was Harry so fucking perfect for him in every single way? It didn't seem possible that there could be someone out there who understood every single part of Louis, but here Harry was. Here he was, once again, pulling Louis out from the darkness of his mind. It was overwhelming in the best possible way.
Louis couldn't speak, couldn't ever think of the right thing to say, so he just nodded.
"Can we go inside?" Harry carded his hand through Louis' hair, gently.
Louis might have been terrified, but he wasn't an idiot. He knew that there was rationally only one real answer to the question. He nodded again, his breath not quite reaching his lungs in the way he wanted it to.
"We should be quiet," he said softly, "my mum came home early."
Louis had been successful in the past couple of days at mostly avoiding her (he suspected a lot had to do with the amount of time he'd spent locked in his bedroom and Zayn's flat) but he wasn't about to ruin this thing with Harry by getting her involved.
'What is Harry to you?' she'd asked.
Everything.
Harry was everything and Louis didn't know how he would ever be able to explain that to another person, let alone to Harry himself.
Somehow, they'd managed to sneak in without making a sound and locked Louis' door behind them. Louis didn't know what was supposed to happen next—or, maybe he did...and that was the part that terrified him the most. He'd been through a lot in his life, a lot of it left him with a pretty sour taste for the exact thing that he and Harry seemed to be dancing around. He'd come leaps and bounds—but this? Being with Harry in the way that he could clearly tell Harry wanted by the hooded look in his eyes and the groans he'd made into Louis' mouth? Well...maybe that was still too much. Maybe it wasn't okay that it was still too much.
Harry, though, Harry was a saint. Louis couldn't even count how many times he'd thought that about his best friend, but this moment was being added to that list.
Harry walked gracefully toward the bed, Louis' hand still wrapped up within his larger one and pulled back the blankets. Slowly, he lowered himself on the mattress, tugging Louis after him.
"Snuggle me," he purred softly and fucking bless the fuck out of this boy because he knew. He fucking knew that Louis wasn't ready and he wasn't even mad. He didn't even look disappointed. He just wanted to hold Louis and Louis thought that maybe he might fall apart in Harry's arms. Harry would be okay with it, though.
Louis climbed into his bed next to Harry, like he'd done dozens of times before, but suddenly he was aware of how small the distance was between them. Harry was laying on his side, staring back at Louis and Louis felt his cheeks heating with a blush that originated in his tummy. Before he took his place next to Harry, he reached out and shut off the light. He felt Harry reach out for him then, tugging him down so their bodies were perfectly aligned. Their chests were flush against each other as Harry's lips found his again. This time, the kiss was warm and chaste and Harry pulled back quickly. He rolled onto his back then, pulling Louis against his chest and kissing the top of Louis' head.
"I mean," Harry let a soft chuckle fall from his lips along with the hushed words, "I knew...I fucking knew you'd be incredible, but Louis,"
Experimentally, Louis ran his hands over the firm muscles of Harry's chest. He didn't think he was imagining the way that Harry's heartbeat quickened at the gesture. Louis tucked away that knowledge, vowing to experiment with it further when there were less questions on the tip of his tongue. Or when there were less answers to those questions falling from Harry's lips before he even had a chance to ask them.
"Lou, I—I don't even know what to say. I wasn't...I didn't know when you'd see it. I started to wonder if maybe I was just making the whole thing up in my head. It was making me crazy thinking maybe I was the only one who felt it."
Louis pressed himself harder against Harry, kissing the parts of his collarbones that weren't covered by fabric, "I feel it," he confirmed softly.
Harry made a small whimpering sound, "you feel it," he said the words aloud like he was testing them. Testing how they felt now that they were out in the open and Louis had finally admitted it.
"I wasn't holding back," Louis whispered into the room, the silence somehow made his confessions feel less like confessions. He felt safe and cared for and warm wrapped in Harry's arms, "I didn't understand. I didn't let myself believe someone would want me,"
"I want you," Harry's voice sounded like he was on the brink—on the brink of about a million things. Louis didn't know if maybe he was going to cry or laugh or if he was going to force his incredible tongue back down Louis' throat, but for once all of those options were okay. The rest of the world didn't exist and Louis had done his best to check all of his insecurities at the door. It was just them and Harry was just as safe with Louis as Louis felt with him. He needed to be sure that Harry knew that.
"I care about you so much, Harry. You're everything to me. I'm sorry for making you question it. You were right. You were always right, Curly."
Harry laughed into Louis' hair and Louis felt pretty certain that Harry was crying. He placed a few kisses along Harry's neck before he heard Harry's voice again.
"Fuck, Louis. It's like...surreal. You're here and I can hold you like this. I can kiss you." his voice definitely cracked on the words and Louis felt a little overwhelmed with the fondness in his chest, "Gemma practically threw a fit before we left. She just kept yelling at me and telling me to 'just fucking kiss you' but I knew it had to be you. I already came so close to ruining the whole thing and, fuck Louis, I took so much shit from my family," this time he laughed, "my mum threatened my health and safety if I didn't seal the deal. I told her I didn't think you wanted that, and she told me that she could see it. Even my mum could see it and I've just felt like I'd never get something like this. Like I would never get someone like you, because you're fucking brilliant, Lou. You're...you're the most gorgeous person I've ever seen and that's all fine and good, but like that wasn't enough--like you weren't already enough...you're kind and funny and smart and you, you, Louis Tomlinson, you want me? I'm just so fucking lucky," he kissed the top of Louis' head again, "this is going to be the best year ever. I can't believe we started it together."
...
January first started in a bit of a confusing manner for Louis. When he first shifted in his bed, he felt arms wrapped around him. This wasn't particularly out of the ordinary as he opened his eyes to yet another overcast day he felt several soft kisses on the back of his neck. A cool and complete calm washed over him as he remembered. He remembered the kisses, his lips raw as he dove deeper and deeper in Harry's mouth before they'd fallen asleep the previous night. If it weren't for how raw each of their mouths were, he didn't think they would have ever decided to go to sleep. They would have gladly spent the entire night kissing if it weren't for the sort of fevered exhaustion they fell into after pouring confessions into the dark of New Year's night.
Now, though, it was a new morning—a new year and Harry was reminding him of just how good that could feel. His soft kisses migrated from the back of Louis' neck to his jaw line and, well, Louis was a person. He was a person in possession of a body that was pretty fucking fond of the boy behind him. He rolled over, then, nuzzling his nose against Harry's. Harry grinned a tired and lazy smile at him and it wasn't just a dream. Louis hadn't just made the whole thing up in his sleep. Harry was real, Harry's feelings were real and most importantly of all, Louis' feelings were real. He'd finally seen it and now that his eyes were opened to this, to him and Harry, there was no way he could un-see it. There was no way that he'd ever be able to deny the chemistry that had taken him months to process. He got it and things were different, which at one point had been his worst fear, but he knew now that different didn't have to be a bad thing.
Louis leaned in then and didn't give a second thought to his or Harry's morning breath and gave him a long, open-mouthed kiss. There was a million things happening inside of his stomach as he felt Harry's tongue gliding against his and not one of them were dread or fear. He felt like a different person.
Harry held Louis close to him, their chests flush against each other. He kissed Louis softly, like he was trying to remind himself of exactly every millimetre of Louis' mouth—like he still couldn't believe it was real either. The magic from the previous night hadn't left the atmosphere, and things didn't look any different in the light of day than they had the night before when Louis had made a snap decision that Harry had to mean more.
Harry's hand slid under Louis' shirt and came to rest on the small of his back, heat radiating directly from where Harry's skin made contact against his. Louis made some kind of guttural sound in the back of his throat and didn't have a second to be embarrassed about it before Harry's nails dug into his skin and sent shocks of pleasure across Louis' body.
Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
What a way to wake up. He was actually living in the definition of 'good morning'. There was such a thing and he'd thought he'd understood that every other time he had woken up with Harry, but he hadn't known a thing. Somehow, even though every second of his life had been better since Harry waltzed in and turned off airplane mode and cut through the radio silence that was his social life, it got better. It got even better and better and he thought back to the poster's he'd seen outside of Terri's office since that first day he'd shown up there. He'd scoffed at them, denied up and down to Terri for weeks that things had gotten better. 'It gets better' they all read and Louis hadn't noticed it until he saw things at the very best he imagined they could ever be.
Yeah, he'd fucked up. He'd taken the hurt and pain that his family had caused him his entire life and turned it into an excuse for bad decisions. He'd done too many drugs and made too many reckless decisions because he didn't value himself. He didn't value his life because he really and truly believed that things would not be better. He believed that his past would continue to dictate his future and that some day he'd do a better job at swallowing more pills and he wouldn't have to sit through therapy and pretend he believed a word out of her mouth.
But he'd been wrong. He'd been so fucking wrong and fuck was he glad for that. If he had been right at any point he might not have made it here. He might have never met Harry and he might never have known that it was possible to find a place that was more than just a shelter from a storm. Harry was the antidote because there was no storm anymore. There was nothing to hide from because his life really and truly was better because Harry had given him the time of day. He'd seen Louis as a person and not as a collection of horrible mistakes.
Harry pulled back, then, his eyes heavy and yawned.
"Good morning," said Louis, snuggling into his chest and listening intently to the steady rhythm of Harry's heart.
Harry's arms settled around him, squeezing him tightly against him, "best morning," said Harry, his breath blowing through Louis' messy hair. Harry's hand migrated back up under Louis' shirt and pressed against his skin, "Happy New Year," Harry said through another yawn, "think I forgot to say it last night."
"Happy New Year," Louis mumbled, feeling sleep pulling at him again.
...
Louis woke up for the second time that morning feeling decidedly more rested, his head still on Harry's chest. This time he didn't forget anything and he breathed deep the heady scent of Harry, braving a glance up through his lashes. Harry was still fast sleep. He smiled despite himself at the warmth of the whole thing. Harry's arms were still wrapped around him, despite having gone a bit slack in his unconscious. Louis didn't think he could sleep anymore. There was just too much happening inside of him to be able to close his eyes again.
This was it, this was real and he and Harry had crossed the threshold they'd been hovering in from maybe the day they'd met. There was a very large (very, very large) part of Louis that still felt like he was going to fuck it up. He had never imagined he'd get the chance to try to be good to someone in this way. He'd watched the world around him and all of his peers date and felt nothing towards it. He'd never in his life allowed himself to hope for this feeling, never knew that this feeling could exist. He'd made himself believe that there was no point in trying because he was a disposable person. He was the kind of person that people used until he had nothing left to give and then moved on. There was no point in harbouring hope for more. There was no point in entertaining feelings like this because it would only end in disappointment because surely there was no one out there who wanted to take on a mess like himself.
He was wrong though because Harry did. Harry had for a long time and a large part of Louis wanted to believe that it was all his imagination and that someone as perfect as Harry was bound to eventually see that he was disposable. That he would eventually leave—but he also recognized that maybe the was wrong. Harry had done nothing but give and give and give to Louis and there was no way that there could be a selfish motive behind that. There was no way that Harry would have given so much without some sort of genuine feeling behind it. And Louis felt that.
Louis didn't know what was next—where they were supposed to go from here. He'd never been here before, and maybe Harry hadn't, either. Maybe they would fumble along figuring out their next steps together and Louis didn't mind that thought. Didn't mind the idea of more nights like this. More nights with whispered promises and affirmations and kissing into the wee hours of the morning. He could get used to it, was the thing. It would be easy, just like everything with Harry had been. Their progression had been so natural that Louis hadn't even noticed most of it until he was gripping Harry's face and finally, finally leaning in to close the distance.
It would be like breathing, navigating their new dynamic. Harry would probably lead the way and Louis would happily trip along behind him, no longer shy about his desires.
Slowly, as the sound of Harry's breathing deepened, Louis rose from his place next to him. Instantly he was colder. Instantly he missed the press of Harry against him, but he also couldn't waste another second. He had to somehow figure this thing out and if he had learned anything from the (probably hundreds of) books he'd read, he needed to show Harry in every possible way just how in this he was. He'd start by making him breakfast. He'd sneak downstairs and scrounge something up (even though he was fucking hopeless at cooking) and bring it back for Harry. That was romantic, wasn't it? Plus, if his mother was home it was probably because of work, so she'd be in a different wing of the house than the kitchen. The odds of them crossing paths were stacked completely against him and Louis liked that.
Louis had only just opened the fridge to stare at it's contents when he heard the front door open. He tried to ignore whomever it was. He had a mission to complete and a beautiful boy in his bed to impress and everything else in his chaotic life could fucking wait.
"Jay,"
It was Dan's voice. It sounded like he was alone. Maybe he'd come home before Lottie and the rest of Louis' siblings. He called out to Louis' mother again and Louis reached out to grab a bowl of strawberries from the fridge, loading it onto the platter he was filling.
Louis heard his mother's voice then, greeting Dan softly as Louis peered back into the fridge. He really was trying to ignore it, though, because he had his own life to worry about. But there was just something about his mum and Dan that fascinated him in the strangest way, especially in light of recent events with Harry. Louis hadn't honestly given the origin of his stepfather much thought, but if he thought back to what he could remember from the time Dan came around, things were a bit fishy. From the point of view of himself and his siblings, the divorce had happened before Dan moved in, but now that he thought about it, the closer things started to blur.
Louis' dad had moved out, or rather been forced out by his mother, only a couple of months before Dan had moved in. Up until Dan had shown up, Louis probably would have described his mum and dad's divorce as inevitable, but then he'd met Dan in all of his 27 year old glory. Things made more and more sense to Louis when dan had shown up, ten years his mother's junior. Dan had to have been the reason she'd forced his dad out.
Before his mother had given birth to Ernest and Doris, things between her and Dan had seemed good. When Louis wasn't busy spiralling (which he often was during that time period), he saw the way they could hardly keep their hands off each other. There was a kind of heat or infatuation that lived between them that Louis hadn't understood at the time. Now, though, thinking back to it, it didn't seem that different from his own infatuation with Harry and the way that Harry monopolized his wandering mind.
Then, once the twins were born, he'd noticed that their dynamic had shifted. His mother seemed cold and resentful of Dan's presence. It was as if he was doing something wrong simply by being there. Every thing he did seemed to be wrong to her and Louis didn't really understand it all. He never had, yet somehow his mother was the only example of an adult relationship he had to base anything on. It was complex and exhausting and the fact that he wasn't able to ask for an explanation, that he had to watch it all from his exile, only added to his confusion over the whole thing.
Now it wasn't any different. He still didn't understand any of it. He closed the refrigerator just as he heard his mother join Dan in the entryway.
"Why are you back?" She didn't bother with a greeting, just just dove right in. Her voice was cold and emotionless like he was one of her children and therefore unworthy of her complete respect.
"I missed you, babe," his explanation was simple enough that it made sense to Louis, but his mother seemed confused.
"Where are the kids?" Was that a slight hint of panic that Louis heard in her voice?
"Spain, with your dad," now that Dan hadn't received the greeting he'd been expecting, Louis heard the anger rising in his response.
"You left my children in Spain?"
"No," corrected Dan, "you left your children in Spain so you could come home and be alone. I just followed you."
"You fucking idiot," she chastised, and Louis recognized the disdain in her voice because he was almost always on the receiving end of her annoyance and disgust, "you left my kids in another country because you wanted to get laid? Is that what this is? How could you been so fucking careless?"
"No, I left them behind with your father and three fucking Nannies when they're getting picked up by a chartered plane tomorrow anyway because I missed you. I didn't do anything wrong."
"You're a child," she snapped, "and I should have known better than to trust you to take care of my family,"
"You're a grown up spoiled brat who expects the entire world to kiss your ass when you barely even have time for anyone. Fucking sue me for missing you. I forgot you needed to be alone with your precious work."
Louis' hands were shaking as he mechanically started to collect things that sort of resembled breakfast items from the cupboards. Had Dan done something wrong? Maybe it was careless to have left his siblings behind, but they weren't ever truly alone. There were nannies and they did most of the work raising her kids anyway, from what Louis could tell. Sure, maybe Dan should have waited the extra day, but shouldn't his mum give the guy a free pass since his reasoning seemed genuine? He missed her. They were supposed to be in love or whatever and wasn't that how things were supposed to go? Wasn't there supposed to be give and take?
"And you're a child who can't handle responsibility," his mother fired back.
"I certainly hope you didn't marry me so I could be your live-in babysitter. You already have three of those."
"You can't babysit your own family. It's called parenting," she fired back.
"Oh, like you would know anything about parenting, raising the most fucked up kid in town."
Louis froze. He knew that Dan couldn't have meant any of his sisters. He knew what Dan was getting at and he felt a bit nauseous thinking about it. They were talking about Louis and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to be a part of this fight. He'd woken up in what felt like an impossible fantasy and now he was faced with this? It wasn't fair. Nothing in his family was ever fair.
"Louis is not your responsibility. How dare you throw that at me?" his mother sounded partly like she'd been caught off guard and partly like she was standing up for him. It didn't make any sense.
"Well if we're going to criticize parenting, I think it should be mentioned that maybe the rest of your kids are going to end up exactly the same. Maybe they're all going to try to kill themselves to get away from you."
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
That wasn't fair. A large part of Louis wanted to walk out of the kitchen, to show them both that he was right fucking there. But a smarter part of himself knew not to get involved in their heated arguments. He'd heard them yelling at each other time and time again, and now was not the time to get involved—just...did it have to be about him? Sure, he wasn't a shining example of what people wanted for a child, but did he need to be a weapon that Dan used against his mother?
"Don't you dare ever talk to me about Louis. That is my son. He's none of your concern."
"Except he is because you expect me to make exceptions for him so you can pretend he's fucking normal. Do you know how many strings I've had to pull to keep him enrolled in university? Don't fucking try me, Jay."
Louis took a deep breath as he prepared for his mother's response. Of course he knew Dan's words were the truth. He wasn't an idiot. He knew that the only reason he'd gotten his second, third, fourth and fifth chances with school was because Dan was on the board of directors. He knew that most people didn't get the amount of chances he had, but dammit. This wasn't what he needed to hear.
"Tell me more, Dan. Tell me about who's name is on the Dean's list this semester. Tell me about who has an average in the nineties. Fuck you for thinking you could throw that in my face. This isn't even about him, this is about you being a fucking child. I need someone who can handle this family, who can be a partner to me. You do none of those things. I'm over you being here. I'm over the whole thing. You're supposed to be a grown man, Daniel, start acting like one."
...
Louis snuck up the back staircase to his room, still holding a tray of random food items that he hadn't given much thought to. He felt kind of like he was in a weird sort of daze because the more and more he became aware of the world around him, the more he started to see how different things were than they had been before. He wasn't sure what he'd just heard, but his mother had stood up for him, against the person she'd chosen over everyone time and time again. Dan had tried to rake Louis over the coals, tried to make the fight about something other than him and his mother had wanted no part in any of it.
He didn't understand what that meant.
He didn't understand what his mother's angle had been. What had been trying to gain by telling Dan he couldn't talk about Louis? Why was she keeping him separate from all of his other siblings and telling Dan he was responsible for the rest of them, but not Louis? What made Louis different? What made Louis her son and not a part of the rest of them? It just didn't make any sense. Louis didn't get any of it and he was getting pretty sick of not understanding social cues, but he thought that maybe he got a free pass with this one. Maybe no one really understood his mum. Nothing she did seemed to have a rhyme or reason and Louis felt exhausted trying to keep up.
He opened the door to his room and found Harry sitting up in the bed, scrolling through his phone. Louis put down the tray and kind of hovered in the doorway. The magic seemed to have died inside of him. There was no happy sort of haze left in the room and he could feel the slump to his shoulders. He wanted to be alone and now he'd have to somehow explain to Harry what had happened. He knew Harry would sense it and as much as he'd appreciated that about Harry 10 minutes ago, it was now a huge source of frustration for him.
It didn't take long for Harry to feel that something was off and ordinarily, Louis would have been grateful. He would have been glad that Harry knew without him having to explain much. But this was different. This was something he needed time to process his feelings about. He needed to be alone to try and figure out how he felt about it all.
Which wasn't fair and he knew it and it probably made him the worst...whatever he was to harry.
"Lou, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Harry was climbing out of the bed and Louis didn't want that.
"I'm fine," he lied.
"You're lying," Harry said, his face falling into a frown, "you're not fine."
Louis opened his mouth and hesitated for a moment, "it's...nothing really. Just overheard my mum and Dan fighting. It's fine."
Harry didn't want to accept the words, Louis could see it in his eyes, but he also recognized that Louis didn't want to talk. After just a moment of hesitation, Harry nodded once, taking Louis hand and leading him back to his bed.
They ate breakfast mostly in silence. Louis was still hung up on his mother's words and Harry was busy trying not to detonate any of the landmines surrounding Louis. Louis might have known that it would go like this. That the very first day he and Harry woke up together he would fuck it up. Harry was walking on eggshells because of him and the worst part was that he couldn't fix it. He was too busy trying to avoid the landmines himself. He didn't know how to find that sort of place they'd been the previous night, or even earlier that morning.
Louis was shit at this whole thing.
The worst part of all was the guilt that was building in his stomach as he watched the time pass. Harry had to work in two hours and Louis was counting down the minutes until he had to drop him off. Until he could finally be alone in his spiral. He was the worst at absolutely everything.
...
Of course, once Louis had dropped Harry off at Starbucks, he'd realized just how much he didn't want to be alone. Thankfully, Zayn had responded to his distressed text pretty quickly telling him to come over. And that was how Louis ended up sitting on the couch next to Zayn who was somehow smoking heavier than usual next to him. Zayn's eyes were focused on Liam, who was drying the last couple of dishes next to Zayn's sink and tucking them away in the cupboards. Zayn hadn't really said much since Louis had shown up and Louis kind of felt awkward sitting next to him and staring at Liam.
Liam turned to them, then, once he'd safely placed the last mug into the cupboard and he looked about as uncomfortable as Louis felt.
"Do you want me to make tea?" Liam's voice was definitely directed at Zayn and not Louis, but Zayn paid no attention. He just continued to stare into the kitchen like Liam wasn't even there.
Louis kind of regretted his decision to hang out at Zayn's since it really didn't feel like he was in the mood for company. Zayn was putting out his cigarette in the ashtray and filling a glass with brandy when Liam spoke again.
"Zayn, love, do you want me to go?" Liam's voice sounded kind of wounded and Louis wanted to chastise Zayn for probably being at fault, but Zayn and Liam's whole dynamic was also stressful and impossible to understand and Louis didn't really want to get involved in something he couldn't grasp.
"Yeah."
Zayn's voice was flat and he didn't even bother to glance at Liam as he said the words. Louis watched as Liam's face fell and he nodded slowly and muttered a 'text me' that probably fell on deaf ears. The second the front door closed, Zayn let out a sigh of relief and settled back into the couch, taking a long pull from his glass and following it with an even longer suck on his cigarette.
"I thought he'd never leave," he said as he exhaled smoke in the opposite direction of Louis.
"You wanted him to leave?" Louis could tell that it was the case, but he also didn't understand why.
"Fuck yeah, I did. He's been coddling me all morning. Cooked me breakfast and tried to snuggle for hours, Louis, hours."
Louis let out a small laugh despite the fact that he knew Zayn wasn't joking, "sounds awful," he teased.
"It was," confirmed Zayn, "he's been like that since last night and I don't get who he thinks he's fooling. He should know I'm not like that. Do you know how much painting I could've gotten done while he was trying to hold me tenderly and talk about his feelings? I wasted the whole bloody morning in bed with that moron."
Louis was quiet then, trying to sort through Zayn's complaints and find the parts of them that were bad. That morning, he'd woken up next to Harry and it had been much the same, but it hadn't felt like a waste. He didn't feel concerned about the things he could have done instead of cuddling with Harry. It didn't feel like there was anything more important. Zayn's perspective on everything was so vastly different.
Zayn put down his glass and rested his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray, leaning forward to bury his face in his hands. He gave one dramatic exhale before he spoke.
"Last night Liam said he loved me," he admitted softly.
Now they were officially in territory that Louis didn't know how to navigate. Zayn should have known, though, shouldn't he? Wasn't that exactly what Zayn wanted? Why was he reacting like this? All he'd talked about since the first conversation he and Louis had had months ago was Liam. Liam monopolized all of Zayn's thoughts and it was pretty obvious from an outsider's perspective that they worked. Liam knew how to handle Zayn's outbursts and his ill-timed temper. It didn't make sense to see him react this way.
"Isn't that what you want?" Louis asked softly, "what did you say to him?"
"I told him to bugger off," Zayn said, lifting his head up to meet Louis' eyes. "and, no, I don't think that's what I want."
"No?"
"Nah," confirmed Zayn, "it's like...a bit too much, don't you think? Liam is my best mate, he understands me but like, I want that to last. Maybe we shouldn't have started having sex. It was really only a matter of time before things went to shit."
Louis was absolutely lost. He didn't have a clue what Zayn was talking about. It didn't make a bit of sense to him. Liam wanted Zayn and up until this conversation had started, Louis felt pretty confident that he knew how Zayn felt about Liam.
"I thought you cared about him,"
"I do," Zayn sighed, "I do, so much. More than I've ever cared about someone else and he's always there for me and he lets me be me and I can't risk that changing. I don't want to be in love with Liam because I don't want to lose him. I'm not even twenty yet, Louis, do you honestly think it's going to last? If I started a real relationship with Liam it's just going to get messy and fucked up and I'd rather him be my friend than lose him completely. Relationships rarely last and I just don't want to be a part of that statistic. I'm not putting myself out there because it's not worth it. I've got everything I want with Liam already, why put a label on it? Why put pressure on it?"
Right. Zayn was probably right and holy fuck, how had Louis not seen that?
Every single relationship he could name had fallen apart. His mum and his father, they hadn't even lasted long enough for him to see. His mum and dad had been rocky at their best points and volatile at their worst. Then, just that morning, he'd been reminded yet again that even in adulthood relationships were a mess. His mum and Dan weren't going to last. People broke up. People moved on and changed and it was naive to think that someone could grow with you. People only grew in their own directions.
Zayn was right. He was right and Louis was stupid and hopeless and he hated that he'd already mostly fallen into the trap of believing differntly. He and Harry were doomed if things continued on the path he'd set them on. Friends could be forever, but relationships ended with scars and blood and Louis didn't want to sign up for any of that. He should have at least had the good sense to protect himself. To protect Harry.
The only chance he and Harry had at a future was their friendship.
How dare he have waltzed in and ruined that? He was going to break Harry and Harry was going to break him and they were going to fall apart in a hail of sparks and Louis wasn't ready for that. He wasn't going to accept that. He couldn't lose Harry because he couldn't wait another twenty years to meet him again. Harry was everything to him and the thought of losing that for something as ludicrous as a relationship was beyond him.
Just when he'd been so sure he was finally on the right track he was reminded how bad his instincts were. Now he'd made an even bigger mess of the whole thing. Any way he looked at it, he was probably going to lose Harry. He was fucked.
Notes:
Don't hate me.
Instagram: feels.like.home01
<3
Also let's talk about Just Like You <3 Louis is just the best ever.
And I'm so excited to hear Flicker :D