Save Myself // Larry Stylinson

Chapter 4

This belongs to make_me_feel_like_home on ao3.
Chapter 4: IV

Summary:

I'm so excited to show you some more about Harry :)

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"Have you seen Matt?"

That was how Terri essentially opened their session after the niceties had passed. Louis felt a sickness in the pit of his stomach, as he did regularly for the last week or so at the mention of Matt's name. 

He shook his head from side to side. 

"Why?"

Louis debated whether or not this was something that he wanted to answer. Most of him wanted to brush it off because it was really deep and something that made him feel ill, but he knew if he passed over this one she'd bring up something else that he didn't want to talk about. He'd expertly avoided all her questions about his family life and he really wanted to keep it that way. And if he was being honest with himself, he kind of wanted to talk to someone about what was going on with Matt anyway. He wanted to be assured that his mistakes were fixable. That Matt wouldn't hate him forever. 

"I didn't have my phone while I was here," he said softly. 

Terri hid her surprise from him quite well. She hadn't expected him to answer, and when he did, it took her a moment of internal fumbling before she had her next question ready. "But you have your phone now?"

Louis nodded. 

"And?"

"Its on airplane,"

Terri's eyebrow shot up in surprise, "Why?"

This was the moment where he had to decide what course of action he would take. Normally, this would have been far enough for him. He had said more than enough things for her to fill in the rest of his blanks. Of course, though, for the last two days all he'd been really thinking about was just this—talking to her. Maybe he should go further. 

"I don't actually know," he admitted. 

"Can I guess?"

He shrugged, signaling her to try. 

"I think you're scared," she began, "I think you're afraid that you lost him for good," Louis shrugged and she plowed on, "but I also think you're scared to face him again because of what we talked about. Because you know now that he's not good for you,"

One week ago, Louis would have lost his cool. Her words were close to home and bold. They were honest and true. That was the part that made Louis the most nervous. Most of him wanted to run away and end this conversation now. 

"I don't have anyone else," he heard his own voice and was just as surprised by the admission as Terri. "If I lose him that's it. He's the only friend I've got. I don't want to lose him,"

"Then why haven't you spoken to him?"

Louis stared at his hands, avoiding her eyes, "because of what you said,"

"What did I say?"

"That he doesn't treat me right. That we're dysfunctional,"

"So, what's scarier for you then? Is it being with him or is it losing him?"

Louis hadn't thought about that. He'd thought about both avenues many times, but he hadn't weighed one over the other. He hadn't considered which prospect was for terrifying to him. Matt was all he knew. There wasn't really much outside of their tiny bubble and he wondered what would even happen to Matt if he didn't have Louis to take care of him. Louis fed him, clothed him, rolled him over so he wouldn't choke on his vomit. He'd bailed him out of jail and taken the heat for his theft more times than he could remember. He'd driven him to the hospital that one time he'd overdosed and had driven the entire city looking for him that weekend they'd spent on mushrooms...