Your heart will fix itself. It's your mind you need to worry about. Your mind where you locked the memories, your mind where you have kept pieces of the ones that hurt you, that still cut through you like shards of glass. Your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, destroy you over and over again. You need to convince your mind that it has to let go...because your heart already knows how to heal.
- Nikita Gill
It had taken me longer than normal to get my emotions under control. Four days to be exact. Four days of trying to act normal whilst battling the crippling anxiety inside. I had fallen apart right in front of his eyes.
The biggest problem wasn't the fact that I had been around Draco, it was the fact that I had cried. I didn't cry, I never did and I knew my father would be disappointed if he knew. I had shown weakness and there was no room for weakness in the Selwyn household.
And over what, Draco Malfoy? Sure, I had caught feelings for him, I couldn't deny that, but the fact that I had let it consume me so much that getting hurt made me cry was unacceptable. That was not who I was as a person. He shouldn't have that kind of power over me.
So after four days, I decided that I was completely done with it. What would happen, would happen, but I was not going to react to it as pathetically as I had done these past few days. I had more important things to focus on, such as the upcoming summer and the O.W.L. exams.
When I looked into the mirror a week after the incident, I was finally satisfied with what I was seeing. I had started this year with one goal and one goal only and that was absolutely killing the O.W.L. exams, getting better grades than Draco bloody Malfoy. I didn't like the Eleanor I saw in the mirror last week and even though it had taken me a couple of days, I was back on track.
I had to get my priorities straight. I needed twelve Outstandings or at least Exceeds Expectations and I was going to get them whatever it cost me.
So I had started studying for these O.W.L.'s as well as I could and no one was stopping me. Definitely not Draco bloody Malfoy.
"Lea, are you done? I need to shower", Tracey complained from the other side of the door. I straightened my robes and walked out.
"All done." No hair out of place, as it should be.
"We'll see you at breakfast, okay?" Daphne shouted at Tracey. She didn't respond, so we just made our way to the Great Hall.
"Good morning, Draco", Daphne chimed as she noticed him in the common room. There hadn't been any real developments since their Hogsmeade date, but Daphne didn't care. She had been on cloud nine since that kiss.
"Morning", Draco mumbled.
DRACO'S POV
Eleanor had changed. Not like that time she found out about Adrian's bet, but quite the opposite really. She had that same demanding presence she had at the beginning of the year.
When she entered the common room, voices spoke a little bit more quietly and when she walked through the hallways everyone moved out of their way with a mixture of fear and fascination on their face.
And she didn't even glance my way, not even accidentally. It was as if I had become air, a mere dust particle in her existence. And I hated it.
But this couldn't just be it. She straight up told me, showed me that she had some sort of feelings for me. She wanted me to kiss her, to genuinely like her. And in the couple of days I had taken to think over those words, she had decided that I didn't matter anymore.
Why? Why would she confess something like that only to then act like it never happened in the first place? Eleanor never admitted any feelings she experienced, let alone romantic ones. But I knew she had meant it. I knew it by the glossy eyes I had witnessed.
And I had spent hours thinking about it.
Maybe this was my chance to go back to the beginning of the year, when life was so much simpler. When I tormented her and she just took it, barely batting an eyelash. But I couldn't. She had way too much to use against me right now and I couldn't have that.
And when Daphne clung to my arm and Eleanor simply made her way through the parting sea of students, there was only one thing I felt and that was longing. Dear Merlin.
I couldn't go back to the way things were, because she changed everything. And I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since that night in the hallway.
And I was so angry at myself.
I tried so hard to push it away, to pretend like it was all still a big joke, but it wasn't anymore. It was too late for that. I needed her and I hated that I did.
I hated that out of all people, I needed Eleanor Selwyn. And all of a sudden, she didn't seem to need me at all.
"Daphne, we need to talk."
"Sure, what's up?" she asked. I was suddenly very aware of her touch and I didn't want it.
"Not here", I said and pulled my arm from her grip. I walked to the Courtyard and she followed me. It had been one of her requests, to not run to Daphne every time something happened, to stop hurting them both. I was afraid that hurting Daphne was exactly what I was doing right now, though.
"Look, I'm just going to say it straight because I don't want to lie to you, okay?" I said softly as we had reached a corner where no one could eaves drop.
"Okay", she said slowly, a worried look in her big dear-like eyes. I knew that she knew what was about to happen. I just needed to do it.
"I ... I think you're a really nice girl, you're really smart and kind and all that, but I just don't feel the same thing you feel", I said, struggling to maintain eye contact. I didn't have to for long, because her eyes darted to the floor.
"I suspected that", she said, a sad smile on her face.
"You did?" I frowned. She seemed surprisingly okay. I had expected her to get really upset about it, seeing as she had been chasing after me for years.
"Yeah, you always seemed a little bored when we hung out", she shrugged.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that, didn't mean to", I rubbed my neck awkwardly.
"It's fine, thank you for telling me", she said and then she left, just like that. It was that ... easy.
ELEANOR'S POV
"So, what are the plans for tonight?" Tracey sighed as she pushed away her empty plate.
"We're going to sit by the lake for a bit. The weather is nice out. You're welcome to join", Blaise said with a wink, pulling himself from his conversation with Malfoy.
"Oh I like that idea. Daphne?" Tracey grinned.
"Sure", she said. She had been a little distant all day. I had to talk to her about that.
"Lea?"
"Not interested, sorry", I sighed. "I've got some preparation for Divination to do and then patrol after curfew", I shrugged.
"Oh come on, Selwyn", Blaise complained. "You're not going to study after supper. It's all nice and warm out, finally."
"And who's going to stop me?" I raised my eyebrows crossing my arms on the table.
"I am. And I bet Tracey and Daphne are willing to help. We'll just kidnap you from the library if you don't agree." I chuckled at the image. They would definitely do so.
"Okay, fine", I sighed. I could study tomorrow.
Tracey cheered way too loudly, earning a couple of weird glances from around us.
"Well, I'm going to grab some snacks from my dorm. Meet you all at the lake in a bit?' Blaise said, to which we nodded.
"Come on", Tracey said, pulling me out of my seat. "I'm excited."
We went to our dorm and changed into some comfortable clothes. I then gathered some Honeydukes sweets I still had laying around and pocketed my wand. I had been looking forward to the warm weather all year and I hadn't yet taken the time to enjoy it.
"Oi, Daphne", I said on our way to the lake. "Is everything alright? You seem a little out of it today."
"Don't worry, I'm fine", she said and smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Are you sure? You can talk to us, you know that right?" I said and took her hand. She nodded, but it was clear that she wanted to wait with that a little longer.
"I know that, don't worry", she said and squeezed my hand softly.
"Ladies!" Blaise yelled as we reached the lake. Half our Slytherin year was gathered at the edge of it. Crabbe, Goyle, Malfoy, Nott and Blaise himself. Only Parkinson and her two little sidekicks were not joining the party, which I didn't mind whatsoever.
It was indeed quite warm out, so I ditched the coat and used it to sit on. I got out my bag of Honeydukes toffees and plopped one into my mouth. We didn't have sweets at home as my mother didn't approve of them, but what my mother didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
"So Nott, I heard you're looking into continuing Potions after Hogwarts. Did Snape inspire you that much?" Daphne said, earning a few chuckles.
"I think so. I'm not going to become a bloody teacher, though. I swear I've never seen anyone more miserable than that bloke. What about you?"
"Not sure", Daphne sighed.
"Oh please", Tracey laughed. "You're going to find yourself a wealthy man and organise brunches for the rest of your life." I couldn't help but laugh at that comment.
"Not true!" Daphne protested. "I'd like to make something of my life, you know! Maybe get into healing or something like that."
"What about you, Selwyn?" Blaise asked. "Any big plans that cause you to already be studying for the O.W.L.'s?"
"Which are in two weeks. Maybe you should too", I retorted. "I'd like to keep my options open."
"Come on", Tracey complained. "There must be something you'd like to do. You never tell me anything about that."
I'd love to become a curse-breaker, but no one had to know that. It was unattainable anyway. There was already one person too many who knew about it.
"Really not quite sure yet. Maybe Arithmancer. I'm quite good with numbers", I shrugged. Arithmancy was fun, but Merlin never would I pursue it as a full-time job."
I felt Malfoy's eyes on me, knowing that I was lying, so I threw him a degrading look, causing him to avert his eyes again.
"You should do something with Ancient Runes. It's creepy how into it you can get", Daphne said. Again, it seemed like a terribly boring job.
DRACO'S POV
I couldn't do this. I couldn't let her do this. Just a week ago she told me that I meant something to her and now I felt like there was no one she cared less about.
She didn't avoid my stares, she just looked at me annoyed or bored. She didn't seem affected when I passed her, she didn't even seem to notice me.
And I couldn't have that.
Maybe these were terrible thoughts to have, but I wanted her to want me like I wanted her.
I wanted her to be all mine.
But what did that mean? I wanted her, but in what way? Thinking about her as my girlfriend simply weirded me out. I could count the normal conversations we had shared on one hand. All I knew about her were things I had noticed over the past 16 years or things my mum had told me, but we never talked.
I remembered the conversation at the Ministry's Ball and the one we had in her kitchen a couple weeks ago. It was nice to talk to her like that, to see her so vulnerable. She usually was so guarded, like a marble statue, but sometimes, just for a little while, she let down her guard. And I felt like at those moments, she was the only person who understood me.
It was still a ridiculous idea.
Blaise had a girlfriend last year. They walked hand in hand though the hallways, kissed with literally everybody watching them and he was all giddy around her. In no universe could I see myself doing that, nor did I want to. I was Draco Malfoy, I didn't behave like that.
Why didn't I have anyone to talk to about these kinds of situations?
"I'm going to get ready for patrol, but we should do this again sometime", Eleanor said. I just now realised that I had been staring at the grass for Merlin knows how long. I watched as she walked away, away from me. She hadn't even asked if I was coming too, nor had she looked at me to see if I would follow. She didn't care in the slightest and I couldn't have that.
"Malfoy, shouldn't you be patrolling too?" Blaise asked as Eleanor had left.
"Right", I mumbled and stood up. I made sure to slow down my pace so I wouldn't catch up with her. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to do something.
But what could I do? Suddenly become her bloody boyfriend? No, that was ridiculous. I wanted her, so, so badly. I needed her.
And not just physically.
DAPHNE'S POV
"He's so into her", Blaise laughed as Draco walked off, his hands in his pockets.
"Malfoy?" Nott frowned. "Into who?"
"Selwyn of course", he chuckled. "It's obvious."
"What?" I said softly. Blaise looked my way and his smile faltered just for a little while, before he shrugged.
"I know they both deny it, but come on, you must have noticed something between them."
I wanted to say I hadn't, but then I'd be lying. I had had this weird feeling for quite a while now. When she suddenly started getting along with him, when he had started teasing her, when I caught her looking at him a bit longer than normal.
But Eleanor would tell me right? She was my best friend. She had promised to tell me if she ever caught feelings for him. Because even though Draco made it clear that there was no future for the both of us, which I had accepted, it would still hurt if she'd go behind my back like that.
Even before Draco told me, I knew he wasn't all that into me and I guess that's why I had been pining over him so much. I'd rather fancy someone completely unattainable than venture out into the real world and risk getting hurt.
But why him? Out of all people, why would she start liking the one person I was into? She didn't know yet about him telling me that he didn't feel the same, so in her eyes, we were still dating, right? Why would she catch feelings for someone I was dating?
He wasn't even nice to her. They had been at each other's throats for years. She loathed him. I got nervous about that thought. I couldn't remember the last time she had said that she hated him. She used to tell me that every single day, questioning how I could be into him. Now I couldn't even remember the last time.
Maybe it wasn't even true, although I was just thinking that to convince myself. I had to talk to her when she got back, about everything.
ELEANOR'S POV
I caught two Gryffindors out of their common room, but other than that, the night had been fairly uneventful. I hadn't seen Malfoy at all. He could still be at the lake, not bothering doing patrol tonight. I wasn't that in the mood either, so after a while, I just leaned against one of the pillars that looked out into the Courtyard and looked at the stars outside.
I quite liked Astrology. Not the hidden meanings behind the stars and star signs and all that, but just the existence of the universe in general. It made me feel so small, like I didn't matter that much. Like all the mistakes I made didn't matter that much.
The moon was just a little crescent tonight, barely showing itself.
Malfoy was quite like the moon. Cold and distant, sometimes showing himself, and then turning to a little crescent moon again. Maybe one day I would see him fully, a full moon.
And then I sensed his presence.
I didn't need to see him to know that he was just a couple yards away from me. I felt his eyes burn in the back of my head, I heard his rhythmic breaths and I picked up his scent that had become so common.
"What do you want, Malfoy?" I asked, keeping my eyes fixated on the stars. I heard his footsteps come closer and I wasn't quite sure what to expect.
I waited for him to say something, anything, but he didn't. Instead he just walked up behind me and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek. I turned my head away, but my skin burned where his lips had touched it.
He placed one hand on my waist and pushed my hair away with his other. And then his lips touched my neck, so very gently.
"I told you to stay away from me", I whispered. My mind was screaming at me to stop him. Malfoy was dating Daphne, they had kissed. He didn't care about me. But my body acted on its own, leaning into his touch.
"You told me to stay away from you if I couldn't do what you wanted me to, and I think I can."
I finally turned around, a frown on my face and highly confused.
"What?" I mumbled. His features weren't harsh for once. A little suspicious maybe, insecure even, but not angry or irritated. He looked like that time at the Ministry's Ball.
"You wanted me to appreciate you and to kiss you because I wanted to, not impulsively. Well, I think I can do that. I want to do that."
I remained eye contact, still convinced that he was somehow playing tricks with me. He kissed Daphne just a week ago.
"Are you messing with me?" I asked. "Because if you didn't mean what you just said then I won't hesitate to slowly murder you."
He chuckled at that comment and looked down for an instant.
"I'm not saying I like it, but somehow I can't seem to think about anything else than you. And I don't like it when you ignore me. So if it means putting my pride aside so you stop doing that, then so be it."
"So you can have Daphne by day and me by night?" I scoffed. "No, thank you, I'd like to think that I have a bit of self worth left."
"No. I told Daphe."
"Told her what?" I suddenly felt very anxious. What if he told her about us? I was supposed to tell her that. I needed to be the one to tell her that.
"That I'm not into her. I broke things off."
"So now she's not longer satisfactory, you think you can just come running back to me?" I said and pricked my finger in his chest. "I think I deserve a little better than that." He stared at me intensely, but I forced myself to stay put.
"I did it for you", he said, clenching his jaw. I raised my eyebrows, not sure what he meant.
"You told me to stop running back to Daphne every time, to stop hurting the two of you. Well I did that, like you wanted me to." He looked almost sad. I pulled myself away from him. I couldn't let myself do this.
But he grabbed my arm and stopped me.
"Please don't go", he whispered. My feet refused to move and all I could do was stare at him, at his beautiful silver eyes and his flawless skin, at his blonde hair and rosy lips.
"I told you that I can't do this anymore, Draco", I said, my voice a mere whisper. "Not without telling Daphne. Whether you're dating or not, she still liked your and she's still my best friend. I can't handle the guilt".
He stared at me for quite a while, no emotions to be read from his face.
"Then tell her", he said. That, I hadn't expected.
"What?" I frowned.
"You and I both know that we can't stay away from each other, Ellie. And I don't want you to stay away from me. So if that means she has to know about it, then I guess I'm okay with that."
His hand gently touched my cheek, stroking it softly. He dragged his thumb along my bottom lip, not losing eye contact for a single second.
And before my brain came up with another useless retort to postpone the inevitable, my body acted and pressed my lips on his.
I felt a soft sigh of relief in the kiss as he eagerly kissed me back. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled me closer. I had missed this so very much. Suddenly my worries seemed to not matter anymore. Maybe Daphne would murder me, but those were worries for later.
"Well that's not what I expected to find when sneaking out for Butterbeer."
I looked up shocked to see Blaise on the other side of the hallway, looking not surprised at all.
"Don't worry, I'll be out of your way", he laughed. He turned around again and walked back to the common room.
"Ah, bloody hell", I cursed, pulling myself away from Draco, still looking at the spot Blaise was just standing in.
"That's inconvenient", Draco sighed, surprisingly calm.
"You- you don't mind him knowing?" I asked, surprised, raising my eyebrows.
"As much as I like sneaking around with you, if you're going to tell Daphne then it's just a matter of time before the others find out. So maybe it's even better like this", Draco shrugged, his hands still around my waist.
"You really are serious? Because if you're going to deny it again tomorrow and be an arse, I will put you six feet under", I stated. I was surprised at how chill he was with Blaise finding out. He was yelling at me that no one could know about it just a couple of weeks ago.
"Hey I'm not saying this is anything serious yet, okay? I'm not there yet. I'm just tired of acting like it doesn't mean anything at all."
"Good, because I still hate you", I smirked and kissed him again, softly.
"Never in a million years had I imagined this to happen", I chuckled. "But I'm not looking forward to the whole school finding out. Are you sure we shouldn't ask Blaise to keep it quiet? He'll make an entire spectacle of it", I sighed. People knew I didn't date, so this would be the gossip of the castle and I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet. Two boys in one year, Eleanor. What had happened?
"Yeah, maybe", he said. "Before everyone thinks we're an item suddenly."
I frowned. Sure, the thought of officially being with Draco weirded me out too, but that didn't mean that I wanted to be his secret booty call every time he felt like making out.
"Hey, I didn't mean it like that", Draco said, noticing my agitated look.
"We're more than just friends, we both know that", he said. "Well actually, I think we just skipped the whole friends part." I chuckled, we really did. "But I'm just not sure what exactly this is and until we figure that out, it's for the best that not the entire school knows, right?" He pushed some hair out of my face, tilting up my chin. He was right. I had to talk to Daphne first anyway.
"Good, because I have to get used to being seen with you first", I chuckled. "And I-"
I stopped in the middle of my sentence, eyes turning the size of Bludgers.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no", I panicked, pulling myself away from Draco.
"What is it?" he questioned.
"Daphne! Blaise knows and he went back to the common room. He can't tell Daphne!" I shouted, already running down the hallways. I just had to catch him before he got to Daphne. If I wasn't the person to tell her, she would never forgive me.
I ran through the hallways, down the stairs to the dungeons. I recited all the prayers I knew in my head, just hoping that the git had kept his mouth shut.
I had to calm down. If I came storming into the common room, she would for sure know that something was up.
I took a couple of deep breaths and mumbled the password of the Slytherin common room.
In an instant I knew that I was too late.
Daphne sat on a chair on the other side of the common room, her face neutral, but tense, eyes fixated on the entrance of the common room, on me. It was eerily quiet in the room, as if everyone knew what was going on.
Even though Daphne was easily angered, she did care about her image, so she wouldn't cause a scene in the middle of the common room. Before I could approach her, she walked out towards the dorm rooms. Thank Merlin.
I awkwardly followed her, feeling so many pairs of eyes watching me. The tension in the room could be cut with a butter knife.
Tracey looked at me with a mixed look on her face. She looked disappointed, sad and scared with a hint of "I told you so". I ignored the staring eyes and made my way to the dorm room.
"Daphne, can you please let me explain before you voice your opinion?" I asked as I walked into the room. I gently closed the door and cast the Silencio spell, knowing that some parasites like Pansy Parkinson would be listening at the door. "I'd just like you to hear my point of view first."
"Then maybe you should have told me before I found out through Blaise", she said. She sounded angry, but above all sad and when I looked up, I noticed tears brimming in her eyes.
"I was actually going to tell you tonight", I sighed. "I swear."
"Of course you were", Daphne scoffed. "But I bet that if Blaise hadn't announced it in the common room, I wouldn't have found out for another couple of months."
"That's not true Daphne, I really was going to tell you."
"And how am I supposed to believe that?!" she shouted. "You should have told me from the start, you promised me! I thought you were my best friend, Eleanor. I've liked him for years and you just decide to make out with him behind my back? You're sick, Eleanor!" Tears were streaming down her face and I hated it. It made me feel so terribly guilty and I knew I deserved it.
"Please just let me explain, Daphne. I never meant for you to get hurt, I know how much you like him. Please just give me -"
"Please just stay the hell away from me. I don't want you around for a while. You're no friend", she said and walked out, slamming the door behind her.
"Daphne, wait!" I called out for her, following her back into the common room, but she was already making a beeline for the exit. And then Malfoy walked in.
What she did then surprised everyone in the common room. She plainly decked him in the face. And then she stormed out.
I felt eyes burn on me, so I walked back and closed the door of my room behind me. This was not good, like really not good.
I dropped down on the bed and rubbed my eyes, feeling defeated. This was such a mess and one I could have perfectly predicted. I just really wished that this wouldn't cost me my best friend. I couldn't imagine life without Daphne. She was my rock and even Draco Malfoy was not worth screwing that up.
What if she'd make me choose? Almost sixteen years of friendship. I could not pour that down the drain.
What in the world was I going to do?