"Raat gehri thi dar bhi sakte the,
Hum jo kehte the kar bhi sakte the,
Tum jo bichde to yeh bhi na socha,
Ki hum toh pagal the mar bhi sakte the"
"Mana ke hum yaar nahi
Lo tay hai ke pyar nahi
Phir bhi nazrein na
Tum milana
Dil ka aitbaar nahi"
I sit back in my seat, the soft padded back relaxing my muscles despite how currently dug up in the grave I was. I let the song continue to play, glad that I'd canceled all my appointments for the rest of the day before this had happened. My phone lay flat against my desk, the picture of us from that night still displayed across my lock screen. My heart thudded back to life, 7 years after it had suffocated itself inside brick walls, too scared to be broken yet again. Too scared to be left waiting yet again. Too scared for someone to come so close only to run away without even the slightest explanation. I remembered him saying he wouldn't be able to leave. Remembered him saying I meant too much. But remembering words that meant nothing didn't do anything but crush my soul further. He'd left. Moved away so far that even keeping contact was hard. He'd moved 7 seas away, to big city of Mumbai. And now 6 years after last being contacted by him, his mom wanted me to fly over and stop him from digging himself further into his own mind, along with Neetu di's wedding. She'd made me swear I'd come, Neetu Di having further made sure I knew I had the least of a choice. Giving me yet another taxing thought I didn't need. To say I understood them reaching out after so long would be the biggest of a lie. I'd talked to them a few times over the years, the very very few time's mom had given me the already dialled call and the few of times I'd called myself or they'd initiated the call.
"Raste mein jo milo to
Hath milane ruk jana
Ho sath mein koi ho tumhare
Door se hi tum muskana
Lekin muskaan ho aisi
Ke jisme ikraar nahi
Lekin muskaan ho aisi
Ke jisme ikraar nahi"
I'd heard his voice behind her, the voice I recognized. The soft muffled murmur enough for me to almost hear how much he'd broken down from the elated self I was used to. The jolly sarcasm laced in his tone was gone. Completely. I hadn't agreed to going. I hadn't denied either, my mind having gone hazy under the influence of her words. She believed I was the only one that could help him, get him to be the Sidharth he always was. "Our Sidharth" as she'd said. But I wondered if there was any of the "our" still left. I let out a soft sigh pressing my thumb into my temples. This had been possibly the worst day of the past few years. Him being gone was bad but knowing he was suffering was awful. I'd loved him at a point, perhaps I still did. I wanted him to flourish, be happy, live his life with the same joy he'd lived with from when he was here. The ambition of his having pushed me forward despite him not being here. I sat where I did because of him. The current best clinical psychologist in both India and my hometown. The clinics I'd opened helping me fulfill a dream we'd dreamed together. The dream of helping people without anyone else to do the same for them. I'd sent him letters about it all, sending written notes as well attached with gifts the people would give back despite constant requests for not to. And yet I hadn't received even one reply. I didn't even know if he'd gotten all of them.
"Sana?"
I look up finding Gautam at the door, him having an extra key not beneficial everytime. I shut off the music wiping away my eyes before giving him a smile. The smile widened as the little girl left his hand, running over to my seat. She chimed climbing into my lap, smothering my face with kisses. "Hi baby!" I chime back giggling as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "Kaise hai mera bacha?" I ask sitting her atop my lap, wiping away the loose hairs in her face.
"Pefect" she murmured letting her small hands cup my face. I look back up at Gautam, gesturing him to come inside. "Priya nhi aayi?" I question as he takes a seat. He shook his head, looking keenly at my face before letting out a soft sigh. "Sidharth?" He questioned looking at the screen still displaying the picture I'd pulled up earlier. I hum letting Jannat walk off over to the bin of toys I had set up especially for her. "Mumbai bulaya aunty ne"
G - " Aunty?"
S - "Hmm... Neetu Di aur unhone shaadi pe bulaya. Lekin mujhe nhi lgta ki an woh connection hai, ki main jaa sku"
"Raha nhi ya rehne nhi diya?" He huffed, his tone more accusing than I'd like it to be. "He's suffering too Gautam. I cant simply look over the fact that my best friend isn't in the best of his mind state" I mumble, more for myself than him. I wanted to tell myself this would be sheerly professional.
G - "I wont stop you. I never have. But I don't need to lose you too. Whatever me and Sidharth had... we were still brothers. He could've at least mentioned it without leaving so abruptly. I have the right to be mad. And you do too. You have more of the right than myself because tune apna poora future uske liye abhi bhi rok kr rakha hai. Ahaan has even gotten your parents to agree, Baaz ko bhi mna liya lekin tujhe aaj tak koi nhi mnna paya. Career k saath poori life nhi guzar skti tu. Yeh dreams uske bhi the, he should've been here with you. Accomplishing these goals with you. Growing along with you. Perhaps married you even. Started your own family. I agree you have time but that won't be for long enough. 26 and 28... I'm not sure how much longer either of you have. If he hasnt already-"
S - "I know he hasn't"
G - "Kaise? Usne bola teko? You know just as well as me that he wont make any bit of his life known to the internet. Call tak nhi uthata woh."
S - "Tu yaha uski complain krne aaya hai toh please leave. Jannat ko main drop krdungi. And about settling down, you know I can't. I can't let anyone come so close anymore. Nhi kr skti itna trust, kbhi bhi nhi. Too many people have left me, ek aur baar woh sab nhi kr paungi"
G - "Here we go again. Galti woh krre aur bhugtu main. Yet again, even without contact for years, he means more than me."
"Thats not how it is.. I-"
G - "Hush... its fine. Im used to it. You knew him longer. Whatever. Tujhe jaana hai toh bol, I'll get you the quickest tickets. Private jaana hai toh bhi bas bol dena. Just don't leave like he did."
"I wasn't planning to" I murmur fiddling with the pen in my hand. "He hadn't planned it either" he murmured flipping through the book in front of him. "You know you'll have to stay in Mumbai for at least a few months for the all of this right? Its better you rent an apartment or something, and something to get you places. It'll be a big shift. Over top of that the clients here aren't going to be to happy about having someone other than you" he stated, truthfully highlighting everything I had yet to think off.
S - "I'll call up Baaz to do all of that"
"So you're going?" He asked, obviously bemused. "Don't you think I should?" I mutter getting out of my seat and making way to where Jannat stood, the soft toy clenched against her chest. "I wish you had half of the love you have for him for all of us combined" Gautam sighed, yet again pushing me to the brink of being pissed off.
"I wish you simply stopped comparing the two." I revert, forgetting to deny the love he'd mentioned. Perhaps because I was used to hearing it from him, or maybe because I truly was in love with the person that left me to wonder where he was after the best night of my life. I move out of the clinic along with them, driving home in conversation with Jannat who'd been adamant on tagging along. I didn't mind one bit. I liked having her around. It kept me sane. The small 3 year old having been a surprise to all of us. However it was okay, we needed her. The entire lot of us. I walk into the house, letting her race over to play in the back yard. She was used to that, the swing set still up mostly because of her. I'd stopped using it long back. "Mumma?" I call, hearing her shuffling in the kitchen not knowing how exactly to break the news to her.
SHM - "Itni jaldi kaise aa gayi tu aaj? Chal ab baith yaha aur yeh try kr, fir jaldi se lunch lgga deti hu tera. Subah bhi bhukhi chali gyi"
I nod hesitantly taking a seat, doing as asked. "Mujhe Mumbai jaana parega parso" I sigh, letting the tension fill the room as I continued to dodge her gaze, finishing up what I was served to try. "Mumbai kyun?" She questioned filling my plate back up before taking a seat beside me. "Aapko pta hai" I mumble as calmly as I could muster. She still had contact with his mom, I knew. Their friendship having worked out better than ours. I was glad it had.
SHM - "Neetu ki shaadi? Maine hi bola tha unhe seedha tujhe call krne ko"
S - "Toh mujhe btaya kyun nhi? Aap ko pta hai na-"
"Tera farz hai. Dost tha, chahe ab nhi hai pr tha. Itna krna banta hai unke liye. Aur mujhe pta hai ki tu jaati vaise bhi. Khud ko bhi clearance dilwa, har action k piche kuch reason hota hai puttar. Aur uski wajah se Neetu ki baat nhi taal skti na tu?" She explained passing me the glass of water she'd managed to fill. "Reason btaya bhi ja skta tha mumma. Aise beech mein sab nhi chhod te" I sighed taking another bite out of my plate.
SHM - "Shayad usse bhi mauka na mila ho"
I hum, eating up the rest of my food before moving back into the backyard. The conversation was baseless. Something I knew would only send me deeper into the thoughts I currently didn't need. I bring Jannat upstairs with me pulling out the duffle bag to stuff the basic necessities and some clothes. I'd pick out the rest overnight or tomorrow perhaps. I chuckle turning back to find Jannat sitting in the unzipped bag, almost managing to zip herself inside. "Chot lgg jayegi baby" I mumble pulling her out of it, hoisting her up on my side. I heard Gautam and Baaz downstairs, the discussion of my tickets getting louder as they got closer. "Decision final hai tera?" Baaz questioned taking Jannat out of my arms as she yelped seeing him appear around the corner. "Haan. Zaroori hai" I mumble, the older brother I was once fairly close to had faded away too. More because of me than him. We loved each other. We both knew too. But expressing it got harder with the both of us walking separate ways. The entire thing of me being constantly at work not helping build back what we'd lost.
"Do minute papa ke paas jauge aap?" He questioned Jannat passing her over, the glee on her face shining through as he mentioned getting ice cream later. I fall against the bed nervously, knowing he'd bring up the details no one but him knew. "You've definitely lost your mind by the way. I know he's your friend and friendship is what you do best but this could be dealt with by someone back there too. He left you stranded, you didn't do anything then and you still aren't. I know he had no bad means, there may be things he had to deal with himself but they should've been mentioned. Tujhe jaana hai toh jaa Sana pr please I want you back the second it gets suffocating. Tujhe meri k-"
S - "please.... I dont know what will happen there. Kasam nhi todungi kbhi bhi pr I dont want to risk that. I promise the second I feel the need to come back I'll let you know."
"Promise?" He asked holding out his hand the way he used to when we were younger. The smug smile on his face the same too. "Promise." I mumble, letting him pull my into the hug I needed instead of the lectures I'd been getting since the morning. "I know everyones been telling you the same things but we're worried. You changed completely after that day, we haven't gotten you back ever since. The fun you, the one that threw us parties, and was the life of them nonetheless. If this trip gives me my sister back I promise I'll handle whatever else comes up but if it ruins you further... I swear I won't go easy with him this time." He murmured, his voice having more with fear than anger. I sighed, nodding against his chest. "I'll be fine" I whisper, almost inaudibly as he walks out the bedroom door.