Are you happy? In all honesty? No. But I am curious – I am curious in my sadness, and I am curious in my joy. I am everseeking, everfeeling. I am in awe of the beautiful moments life gives us, and I am in awe of the difficult ones.
- Bianca Sparacino
I wasn't doing very well and it scared me so very much. I was terrified of the truth, because I had been there before and it didn't end well. I tried so hard to ignore it, but it was always there, lurking in the back of my mind.
The week had passed by in a blur. I had spent most of my time in the library, preparing for the O.W.L.'s. When I wasn't doing that, I spent my time with Daphne and Tracey, but it was difficult to act like nothing was wrong.
I knew exactly what was wrong and that's what scared me.
I was jealous.
Over the past few weeks, without really realising it, I had left the hatred that I once felt for Draco behind. I didn't see him as a competitor anymore, or as a bully. I saw him as someone I enjoyed spending time with, if he just allowed me to get close enough.
And I didn't realise it until it was too late. And he didn't even care. He'd just find someone else. I just happened to be there.
"If he doesn't compliment me in this attire, I will hex him", Daphne said, turning around in front of the mirror. She had borrowed one of my plaid dresses for her Hogsmeade date today and it looked wonderful on her.
"He better, you look beautiful, Daphne", I said. I was quite good at hiding what I was feeling, but I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what exactly it was that was making me feel so ... sad. It wasn't just jealousy, that didn't make me sad.
But Daphne looked so completely happy and that was enough motivation to just suck it up and smile. I had spent months wishing she'd just get over him, and now suddenly it was my turn. I was the one who needed to get over these stupid feelings.
Feelings. I had feelings for Draco Malfoy.
Daphne twirled around one last time. They'd be so good together, a Malfoy and a Greengrass. And I had been so foolish to let it hurt me.
"Come on, let's get a move on", Tracey said and pulled us both out of our dorm rooms.
It usually wasn't as crowded in the common room, but Hogsmeade days were special days. The common room was packed with students, excited to visit the little village. I usually was too, but I couldn't seem to focus on it this year. It suddenly seemed like the last place I wanted to be.
"Shall we get breakfast before we go?" Tracey asked. "Daphne is grabbing something in Hogsmeade, but I'm starving already."
"Sure", I mumbled. I felt her eyes burn on me, so I forced a smile and tried to act as excited as I was supposed to be.
"You look beautiful", Malfoy said.
I looked up, but it wasn't directed to me.
"Thank you, you look very handsome yourself", Daphne smiled brightly. She was so happy and that was what mattered. But then why was I struggling to breathe?
"Let's go", Malfoy said and extended his arm for her to take, which she did. And I watched them with the most pain in my heart I had felt in a very long time. And I knew what had happened. I knew why I was experiencing this pain, this sadness.
My heart was breaking.
"Lea, are you okay?" Tracey asked. The touch of her hand on my arm brought me back and I tried to focus on the now.
"I'm fine", I said and brushed it off. I was fine, this was stupid.
"Are you sure? You're really pale." She held a hand against my forehead and I could feel her eyes burning through my soul.
"Yes, I just didn't sleep much last night."
We walked to the Great Hall and I felt like everyone was staring at me. Like everyone knew and like everyone was laughing at how pathetic I was. Catching feelings for Draco Malfoy, why did I let that happen? Why had I been so stupid?
I can find someone else, you just happened to be there.
I couldn't do this. I couldn't act like it didn't affect me. It hurted so damn much.
"I'm sorry, I have to go", I said and took a turn to the castle grounds. I couldn't breathe, I needed air.
I forced myself not to run, but all my feet wanted to do was get out of that place as far away as possible. Away from the hallways we patrolled, the places we kissed and the places we fought.
Ladies don't run, my mother's voice rang in my head. You represent our family, Eleanor. I expect you to be on your best behaviour. Chin up, Eleanor, you're better than all of them. I had to live up to the Selwyn expectations.
So many expectations ...
My mind was racing and it seemed as if someone had set my throat on fire. There was no air. Little stars were dancing in front of my eyes, so I stopped walking when I had reached a spot where no one could see me. I rested my forehead against one of the castle walls and pressed my hands against my temples. The thoughts in my mind were screaming, each one demanding to be heard.
I had feelings for Draco Malfoy.
I knew it, with one hundred percent certainty and it killed me. Never in my life had I imagined to be thinking these thoughts, thinking, no, knowing that I had feelings for Draco Malfoy.
And he didn't like me back.
I guess I understood now why Daphne got jealous so easily. She liked him too and it killed her to see him slip away from her after he had made her feel like she had a shot, after she gave him hope.
But in the end, she had won. I had told him off and he told me he didn't even care. He'd just find someone else, and he did.
I just happened to be there.
There was no greater heartache in the world than caring about someone who doesn't care about you.
I felt so weak. I shouldn't let him have this effect on me. I didn't feel half as bad when I learned about Adrian's bet. Why had he made his way into my heart, and why didn't I realise it until it was too late? I had convinced myself that it was just a physical attraction whilst I damn well knew that wasn't the case.
Why did I allow him to break my heart, without doing anything wrong?
He didn't care from the start, I did. I started caring and therefore all of this was just my fault.
I didn't realise I had sat down on the ground, arms wrapped around my knees until I noticed someone sitting besides me. I looked up to see Tracey looking at me, pity in her eyes. She knew.
But she didn't say anything for a long time. She just rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped an arm around me.
We just sat there in silence, and the little flame in me got smaller, and slowly turned to ashes.
"Why don't you ever cry?" she asked eventually. I didn't quite know what to answer to that. I think I forgot how to cry. I never cried, ever. I was taught from a very young age that crying was a sign of weakness and immaturity. So I practiced what my parents preached and I didn't. I didn't cry.
"What is the use in crying?" I shrugged. "Doesn't get me anywhere." My voice was slightly hoarse from when the short, panicky breaths had scorched the inside of my throat.
"For me it helps sometimes", Tracey said softly. "It calms me down when I feel too much."
I didn't respond. There was nothing to say.
"It's okay, you know?" Tracey said. "To feel what you feel, it's okay."
"Is it?" I scoffed. There was absolutely no reason for me to have feelings for Draco. He had been mean to me all of my life, he has beliefs that I completely disagreed with, he was arrogant and most of all, he was the crush of my best friend. Why did I let this happen? He was not a good person.
But every time I really needed someone, he was there.
"I know it doesn't seem like it, Lea", Tracey pulled me closer. "But it really is. You can't help who you fall for."
"And how do I unfall for someone?" I chuckled, shaking my head at the mess I had become. This was ridiculous.
"I'm not quite sure", Tracey sighed. "But if someone can do it, it's you. You're the strongest person I know, Lea." I smiled at her and wrapped my arms around her. She really was such a good friend.
And suddenly I was so weirded out by the concept of pure-blood supremacy. Tracey was a half-blood, but she was in no way a lesser witch than I was. If she was muggleborn, I still would have wanted her to be my friend. She'd still be an amazing person. But if she was a muggleborn, I wouldn't have met her, because my parents told me not to interact with those people. Why?
"Thank you, Tracey", I sighed. "I needed that. But can you promise me one thing?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Can you not tell Daphne about any of this. She's so happy now and I don't want to ruin that for her. There's no reason to", I swallowed the lump in my throat. I'd just get over it and no one would ever have to know about it.
"I promise."
DRACO'S POV
It was weird to walk around Hogsmeade with Daphne. I felt like everyone who looked at us just assumed that we were dating and I didn't like that. Could I ever date Daphne? I wasn't quite sure. She was a pure-blood and decently intelligent, but also so bloody boring. She only talked about holidays her parents had taken her on, parties she went to and all the people she had met. She never challenged me, talked back or disagreed.
But it was true what I had told Eleanor. I didn't need her. I could find someone else and if she had been good enough, so would Daphne be.
"It's a shame that the day is already over", Daphne sighed as we walked back to the castle. She had taken my hand somewhere in the past five minutes of rambling and I hadn't even noticed. "I had a lot of fun."
"Yeah, me too", I lied. I'd get used to it. It was a whole lot better than Pansy Parkinson, that's for sure. I just needed to get her lips out of my brain. I didn't need her. She was perfectly replaceable.
"Daphne?" I said and stopped. She looked at me with those large dear eyes, a smile on her lips constantly.
"Yes?"
So I just did it. I kissed her.
It didn't feel like when I kissed Eleanor. Daphne did kiss me back, but so carefully, so ... sweet. There was not that same excitement I felt with Eleanor.
In fact, I didn't feel anything.
I pushed those bizarre thoughts away and pulled her closer. She wrapped her arms around my neck and smiled in the kiss. This was still nice. No, it was better, far better. I didn't need Eleanor Selwyn.
"Let's go back to the castle, okay?" I said as I pulled back. She nodded immediately, a bright smile on her face. She hooked her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder as we walked back.
It wasn't enough.
ELEANOR'S POV
Tracey and I did end up going to Hogsmeade eventually, but only in the late afternoon. I just needed to grab a couple of items, like some new berry shampoo. We didn't stop at the Three Broomsticks, nor Honeydukes. I didn't have to tell Tracey, but I just wanted to steer clear of Draco for a little while.
"Tracey, this one would look great on you", I smiled as I held up a ring with a bluish gemstone in the center. "Is supposed to calm hot-headed people", I smirked.
"Seems perfect", she grinned and slid it around her finger. "And pretty too."
"Well I'm buying it for you", I stated. She had been a really good friend today and I needed her to know that I appreciated it.
"Then I'm buying you this one", she grinned and held up a silver ring with a purple gemstone in it. "An Ametrine helps you find clarity, make decisions, and move forward powerfully", she read from the label.
"Yeah, I could certainly use that right now", I smiled.
We checked out and then made our way back to the castle, as supper would be served in an hour.
"Look at that. An Ametrine and a Larimar stone", Tracey grinned, holding up her hand, displaying her new bling. "Trelawny would have been so very proud of us. A shame she got sacked really. I missed being able to fall asleep in the back of the class without her noticing."
"What do they mean again?" I frowned, checking out my ring.
"I have no clue", she sighed. We laughed and it felt good to feel so good again.
"Tracey," I said eventually, "if we both end up as old spinsters, let's just marry each other. At least we'll have a good bit of fun."
"Yeah, because your mother would just love you marrying a female half-blood", she laughed.
"Screw my mother", I joked, taking in the sweet spring air.
"Well you do have a lot of money", she laughed. "It's a deal." Everything seemed good.
But it was just for a little while.
I put down my hands and when I looked up again, my heart broke just a little more. A little while further stood Daphne, her lips on Draco's.
I watched as he wrapped his hands around her waist and pulled her closer. I saw her smile and the way her hands traveled to his hair, just like mine used to. I watched as he pulled away and stared at her. With those eyes that always fascinated me, this unique shade of silver.
"Eleanor, are you okay?" Tracey asked softly, putting a hand on my shoulder.
And a single tear ran down my cheek.