"do we have to go?"
michael asked me as i finished straightening my hair. luke and sierra invited our friend group over for dinner. i haven't seen any of them since the miscarriage. i know they've been concerned about us. bee texts me everyday to know what's going on. i just don't have the heart to tell anyone the pain that michael and i have been through.
"yes. they'll really know something is up if we don't show. besides, we owe luke and sierra for watching luna the other night. we're going."
i said as i turned the straightener off.
"i would much rather just stay in with you, mrs. clifford."
michael said as he placed a kiss to my bare shoulder.
"nice try. we're going."
i said as i got up from my vanity and walked out of the bedroom. i walked into luna's room and smiled as i saw the eight month old sitting up in her crib.
"there's my girl. let's get you dressed."
i said as i picked her up. i dressed her up in a small pink dress that michael bought for her while on his last tour. going through this miscarriage has really helped me find a new found love for luna. not that i didn't love her before. i just want to hold her close and love on her all the time. and i know michael is the same way.
"you two look amazing. as usual."
i heard michael say as he wrapped his arms around my waist. my body tensed up at the sudden touch around my abdomen. it still feels so empty. my body feels like it's missing a part of itself.
"thanks."
i said with a slight smile. it's so fucked up that my brain makes me feel like a stranger around my own husband. i shouldn't tense up at his touch, but i do.
"i love you."
michael said.
"i love you too."
i said as i got out of his grasp and placed luna on my hip. i hear michael sigh as i walked out of luna's bedroom and into our bedroom. the fear of this breaking michael and i apart becomes more apparent in my brain. my brain makes me feel like i shouldn't be okay around michael. it's so fucked.
"you ready?"
michael asked as i slipped my shoes on.
"yeah."
i said as i passed luna over to michael. he strapped her into her car seat and we were soon on the road to luke and sierra's house. the drive was awfully quiet until michael placed his hand on my thigh. i looked down at it before taking a sharp inhale.
"are you okay? you keep tensing up every time i get near you."
michael said.
"yeah i just...i don't know. things just feel weird."
"is this because of the fight? because i really didn't mean it."
"let's just drop it. it's just my mind."
i said as i flashed him a slight smile. i really don't know what it is. maybe it's an underlying feeling of guilt. i still feel guilty about the miscarriage. i still feel like it's my fault, no matter how many times michael tells me it's not. we ride the rest of the way to luke and sierra's in deafening silence. when we get there, we see we're the last ones to arrive and walk in to everyone talking in the living room.
"there they are. we thought you weren't gonna show."
sierra said as she got up and hugged us. i sat down next to bee and just kinda soaked in everyone as they talked. i didn't have the heart to even speak to my best friends. only michael knows about the hurt in my heart. everyone else thinks that we're just ignoring them.
"so, sierra and i have a bit of an announcement."
luke said with a huge smile on his face.
"i'm pregnant."
sierra said. my heart jumped into my throat. i'm happy for them, i truly am. but the resounding thought in my mind is of michael and i's baby. the baby we'll never meet. the baby who i lost. no one else lost them but me. i felt michael place his hand on my knee as everyone start congratulating them. my heart started to race as i could feel my body go numb. i broke out of michael's grasp and ran towards the bathroom, not giving a fuck about what kind of scene i just made.
i slammed the door and started hyperventilating. why did this happen to us? why can't we just be fucking happy for once? i slid down the wall and pulled my knees up to my chest, silently praying that michael would come find me. and i'm so glad he bursted through the bathroom door in that moment.
"shhh, it's okay. just breathe."
michael said as he wrapped his arms around me and i just sobbed into his chest. is there ever going to be a moment where i'm not feeling such an immense amount of pain about this? or will i always feel like a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest. i just want everything to be okay. is that so much to ask?