my mum always told me that to get over grief, you must go through the five stages of grief. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. i never really believed her until we lost the baby. and until i saw the anger in michael's eyes as he stood across from me in the kitchen.
"why can't you just do the fucking laundry? that's all i'm asking for!"
he yelled at me as i crossed my arms across my chest.
"you're seriously fucking yelling at me cause i didn't wash your t-shirt?! you sound like a psycho."
i yelled back.
"i'm yelling at you because you have done nothing around this house for the last three days! it's always me picking up after luna and me doing everything."
"well i'm sorry that i was in our room crying because i'm in pain. i'm so fucking sorry to inconvenience you michael!"
"oh, whatever alex. god i fucking hate you right now."
michael said. those few words were enough to stop my heart and let it sink down to my stomach. he hates me? no matter how angry we've gotten with each other, we've never taken it to that level. but i guess that's where it's at now.
"you hate me?"
i asked as tears brimmed my eyes. i could see the regret all over michael's face. he let his emotions get the best of him. but it still stings knowing that the thought of him hating me crossed his mind.
"alex, i didn't mean it."
michael said as he stepped forward and reached his hand out to touch my hand. but i quickly jerked it away.
"don't touch me. you hate me, remember?"
i said as the tears spilled over my eyes and down my face.
"alex i didn't mean it. i was just angry."
michael said as i slowly stepped away from him. i'm so glad luna can sleep through this. she truly is michael's child. they both can sleep through anything, including a crumbling marriage.
"maybe if you hate me so much then you should just divorce me. you can have these back too."
i said as i slipped my engagement ring and wedding band off and placed them on the kitchen table.
"alex-"
"no. leave me the fuck alone."
i said as i walked down the hallway, into our bedroom, and slammed the door. i heard crying come from luna's room and instantly regretted everything that just happened. i love michael. i know he would never say that to me. i don't know why i overreacted.
anger. it's the second step in grief. i guess we're both just full of it today. neither of us have really sat down and disgusted our feelings over this miscarriage. we're both hurting so much and taking it out on each other. i can't let this ruin our family. i just can't.
i walked out of the bedroom and into luna's room. i stood at the doorway and watched as michael rocked her back and forth. he's the best dad. he's the best husband. i can't lose him.
"i love you so much. and i love your mummy so much. sometimes i'm just a real idiot. and i really messed things up with her. i hope she forgives me."
michael said to luna. the sight of him and her just brought more tears to my eyes. i can't let go of this.
"she does. and she loves you so much."
i said to michael. he looked at me in the doorway and a small smile crept up on his face; something i haven't seen for days.
"i love you so much."
i said as i walked over to him and kissed his lips.
"i love you too. we'll get through this. together."
michael said as i hugged him and luna. i know he's right. we'll get through this pain together. and we'll be a stronger family by the end of it. i just wish we could fast forward through time and get this over with.