Perhaps I was too blinded by love to see the truth.
What Harry had said in the Hospital Wing made sense. I wished it hadn't, because then I would have been able to brush it off. But this- this idea that my relationship was being used without my knowledge as a diversion, was too real for me to ignore.
My knuckles forcefully hit the door of Draco's bedroom three times. Goyle answered.
"Is Draco here?" I demanded.
"Yeah," Goyle replied, looking confused and slightly scared of my fuming demeanor. "Are you alright, Erica?"
"I need to speak with him. Alone."
Wide-eyed, Goyle let me enter the room, and he and Crabbe swiftly grabbed their cloaks and left. Just as the door closed behind them, Draco entered the bedroom from the adjoining sitting room, wearing a loose white shirt that was slovenly tucked into black slacks.
"Erica, I'm glad you're here. Did you bring another Sleeping Draught-" he stopped speaking when he finally caught sight of my angry expression. He froze like an animal caught in headlights.
"What's the matter, love?" Draco started to come towards me, but stopped when I held out a warning hand. He looked at it and scoffed, thinking I was joking. The smile slipped from his face when he realized I was serious.
"I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer me honestly. I think I deserve the truth, after all we've been through," I said, my voice trembling. "Have you been using our relationship as a coverup for your plan?"
Draco was silent. His eyes flicked to the floor, and he wet his lips momentarily, crossing his arms. Not a word left his lips.
My heart sank, and my fury rose. "Because if you are," I continued, my eyes stinging with the beginnings of tears, "If that's why you wanted to be with me so badly, then you are the most horrid person I have ever met."
"It's not like that," Draco replied. "It started as that, yes. But I truly, honestly fell in love with you. That was real."
I gasped air into my lungs and choked out a sob. So Harry's theory was true. "How am I supposed to believe that?" I barked, "How do you expect me to believe anything that you say, when this whole time I've just been a... a pawn?"
Draco exhaled, his thinning frame drooping from stress. "Do you want the truth?" he asked, looking me dead in the eyes. I crossed my arms and sniffled, nodding for him to go ahead.
Draco spoke without ever breaking eye contact with me. "The truth is that I didn't want to fall in love with you. I am the poster child of hatred, Erica, and you are a good hearted girl who lives to help people." I opened my mouth to speak, but he swiftly cut me off. "Don't say it isn't true. When we first met that night in the common room, I was attracted to you instantly. But in a way a lion is attracted to fresh meat. It was purely carnal- and I, I wanted so badly to fuck you then," his voice grew breathy, remembering the night. I humphed in contempt; I didn't confront him so I could get his play-by-play of the way he wanted to fuck me. But I let him speak, because it seemed like it was important to him that I know this.
"I had sworn off girls indefinitely so I could focus on my task. But you just... kept appearing. So stubborn, and persistent. You were begging to help me. So I," he swallowed, "being the vile, hateful person that I am, wanted to take advantage of you in every way I could. Because you were beautiful, and pure, and the sick corners of my mind didn't want you to get hurt by anyone but me. I... I asked you to be mine before I even knew that I loved you because it was just another way to exploit your kindness for my own gain. I knew that you had feelings for me and thought that you could be the perfect diversion should anyone become suspicious of my true intentions in the castle. But then..." his voice became strained, and a hand went to his forehead, "Then you were all I could think about. Every hour of the day, I spent replaying conversations we'd had. When I closed my eyes at night, I saw your face. Seeing you with another boy filled me with so much wrath, that I was willing to hurt myself just to get your attention. I wanted to be with you so badly that it scared me. Because I had never felt like this for anyone in my entire life. I realized that I wanted you to be mine, but not in a false way. In a real way."
"But then you gave up when you found out my father was a Squib," I said, narrowing my eyes.
Draco nodded slowly, his lips hardened into a line. "I wanted to be done, then. I thought we could carry on and forget each other. But... you remained in my mind. Because, even though the blood that runs in your veins was tainted, I still wanted to make love to you, and kiss your lips, and hear your voice. I didn't understand how someone I had been raised to believe was tarnished could make me feel so damned captivated." Draco inhaled deeply through his nose, and let it out through his mouth. I couldn't look away, even though I wanted to.
"You made me question everything I thought I knew about the way the world should work, Erica. It drove me mad to know that my heart belonged to someone whose kind I had wanted to wipe out of existence."
I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. Draco had never told me these things before.
Draco himself also looked like he was turning a sickly pale. "When you were talking with Malachi in the Manor, the Dark Lord could tell I had fallen for you," Draco said grimly. "He didn't have to use legilimency to know that my feelings for you ran deep. He was growing impatient with my progress and saw his opportunity to use you as an incentive. I begged him, that if I should fail, to take my life instead of yours. He agreed to that condition."
My voice was weak when I said, "You traded your life for a blood traitor."
"And I don't regret doing so," Draco replied passionately. "I don't want to live in a world without you in it, Erica. I don't want to live without you, ever. I love you more than I fear death."
"Then you should have told me," I said with a gasping sob, "You should have told me everything, instead of using me like this."
Draco's eyes were wild and his voice was dripping with desperation. "I was afraid that if I told you, you would have left!"
I shook my head, my teeth digging into my lip. If Draco thought that lying to me was the way to get me to stay, then he was wrong.
"All I've ever tried to do was help you," I seethed, wanting to scowl but shaking too badly to do so. "I healed you over and over. I let you use me as an alibi when you cursed Katie Bell; I fetched the Compendium of Toxins for you; I covered for you at the Manor and didn't even run away when I met the fucking Dark Lord. I gave you the Ring and stole Sleeping Draughts and let you fuck me whenever you wanted. I loved you, and you used me."
Draco watched me sob, and stepped forward, his arms beginning to reach for me.
"Don't," I rasped, holding out an arm protectively. "Don't touch me right now."
Draco's lip trembled, and he looked away, tears also glistening in his eyes. "... I just wanted more time with you," he said with a gravelly anguish that made my heart ache. "I was willing to do anything to make that happen. I would lie and kill, if it meant we could be together forever."
"Just what do you think will happen to us if you succeed, Draco?" I spat coldly. "When the Dark Lord begins his takeover, and starts slaughtering those of non-magical parentage?"
"That doesn't include you," Draco argued. "According to everyone but us, Malachi Sloan is your father."
I exhaled and gave Draco a meaningful look. "Malachi isn't my father, though."
My real father was a Squib from a pureblood family who had been held captive as a prisoner in a Muggle war for the last fifteen years. And even though his brother was willing to step in and play father for me in the eyes of the Dark Lord, I couldn't possibly ask him to do that for the rest of my life. It was too risky for the both of us when Death Eaters were always watching.
"Even if everything goes according to plan, I don't know if I could survive in a world that doesn't want me." My voice cracked. "I already live in a constant state of anxiety. Do you really want me to live like that for my entire life? If I chose to stay with you, that would mean I would never see my parents again. And... and I just got my father back."
Draco was despondent. Silence hung heavy between us, like we were attending our own funerals.
"I could make you my family," Draco half-whispered. He was still looking at me hopefully, like I was going to say that that was enough, that he was enough. But he wasn't.
"I love you, Draco," I replied earnestly. "But I can't be with you. You must know this, that you and I... we can't escape the world around us. Not when you've got that tattoo on your arm, and I've got tainted blood in my veins." I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, feeling like I was driving a knife into our relationship.
A tear formed on Draco's cheek, and he wiped it away immediately. "So, what?" he said bitingly. "Your blood doesn't change the fact that I will protect you until the day that I die."
"I don't want you to die!" I shouted back. "I was meant to be your Healer. You putting your life in jeopardy for me, it's just... it's just wrong. And I can't allow it."
We were both in tears now, standing distantly from each other. This was it. There was no recovering from this. I gazed at Draco sadly, and then averted my eyes to the floor.
"I... I have to leave now, Draco."
"We're not done talking about this-"
"No. I mean I have to leave the castle. For good."
Draco looked like I had just stabbed him. "What?" he rasped. "No-"
"Snape offered to have me transferred to Ilvermorny. I'm going to go. Today," I said curtly. I had to speak in short sentences, because that was the only way to keep myself from completely breaking down.
"Don't go," Draco pleaded. He rushed forward, and I stepped back, not willing to close the space between us.
"Don't make this harder than it has to be." I avoided his eyes, knowing that if I looked in them I might give in. "We can't change where we come from, Draco. Your loyalty will always have to be to the Dark Lord."
I heard the sound of his knees hitting the floor. I watched as Draco knelt before me, his shoulders shuddering with hard, deep sobs.
"Don't leave," Draco pleaded. "Erica, please- I need you to heal me. If I just had more time..."
Draco didn't finish his sentence, because his sobs overtook him. It was horrible to watch. It was a bitter reminder that the love of my life, one of the most powerful students at Hogwarts, was still just a 17 year old boy. And he had been a 17 year old boy all along.
I stood above him. "No amount of healing can fix you, Draco. I've tried."
As Draco gasped and cried, I fought against the urge to get on the floor and hold him. It was the hardest things I had ever had to do in my life. But he would always be forced to choose his Dark Mark over me. His Mark was permanent. I was not.
I turned away from him, opened the door, and left, aware that I was leaving him with a deep emotional wound.
And yet, I did not regret it.
Because I was finally free.
Ahhhh I don't even know what you all will think of this chapter! This is the story climax so from here on out it's resolution, all leading to the finale (but don't worry, the excitement will continue). In this chapter I really wanted to express how since Erica knows Draco doesn't have a choice, it's up to her to make the tough decision. Draco's betrayal FINALLY makes her think of what would be best for herself. And as the last sentence suggests, she knows she did the right thing. hhhhh the internal struggle! the drama! -kittyhawk