i clutched a pillow to my chest as my silent tears fell down my face. today doesn't feel real. this can't be real. how did we lose everything in just one day? this isn't fucking fair. and what if losing the baby tears michael and i apart? i just want everything to go back to normal. that's all i fucking want.
michael and i have never slept in the same bed without being entangled in one another. yet here we are, facing away from each other, with a good space in-between us. i hate it. i've never felt farther away from him. i want him to tell me everything is going to be alright but i don't know if either of us really believe that anymore. who's suppose to be strong for who?
i heard soft crying come from beside me. i know michael is hurting so much. he wanted another baby so much. it breaks my heart to hear him sob like this. he must think i'm sleeping cause he absolutely hates crying in front of me. he very much bottles his emotions up. but i can't let him do that this time.
i shifted my body towards him and used my arm to turn michael so he was facing me. his beautiful green eyes had been replaced with ones filled with sadness and grief. it's insane how much you can grieve someone you never met. regardless if we never met them or not, our little baby was apart of our family. they impacted our life more than anything.
"come here."
i said as i pulled him close. i could hear him start to sob into my t-shirt and i couldn't stop my own tears at that point. i just want him to be okay. i don't care if this destroys me, just let michael be okay. he doesn't deserve this pain.
"it's gonna be okay. i love you so much."
i whispered against his hair. i don't know if i believe that it's going to be okay. but i want him to believe it. i'm so thankful that sierra and luke agreed to take luna for the night so she didn't have to see us like this. we didn't tell them why we needed her to stay but they agreed anyway. i don't know when we'll be able to tell our friends. i just want everything to make sense before we do.
"i'm sorry. i should be the one holding you."
michael said as he pulled his head up and wiped his tears away.
"don't be sorry. you're allowed to hurt too."
"yeah but you're the one who has to go through this for the next week. i can't imagine having to go through that part."
michael said. the doctor said i would experience the symptoms of the miscarriage for about a week. i don't know how i can sit through this pain in my stomach for the next week. it's like my body wants me to remember that i did this. that i lost my child.
"it'll be fine. i'll be fine."
i said as i wiped my tears away. michael knows me too well to believe that. he knows i won't be fine for a long time. he can read me like a book.
"it's okay to not be okay alex. don't shove your feelings down."
michael said. i haven't really cried about it in front of michael. i waited until we got home and i could shower to really let it out. and i know i should be able to show feelings in front of my husband but this just feels so differnet.
"i just want everything to be okay again."
i said.
"i know. and it will be one day. and whenever you're ready, we can try again."
"i don't know if i even wanna try again."
i said. i know that's not the answer michael wants to hear. i know how badly he wants more kids. but is that worth the risk of putting ourselves through this a second time?
"what?"
"i'm sorry michael. i can't go through this again. it was my fault this happened and who says it can't happen again?"
"it was not your fault alex. the doctor said these things just happen sometimes. this will never be your fault."
michael said as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. i sighed as i shifted my body away from him. i can't let him see me cry. not over this. i felt michael drape his arm over my body and pull me close to him.
"is this going to break us?"
i asked michael.
"no. not if we don't let it. i love you."
"i love you too."
i said as i felt michael place a kiss to the top of my head. i really don't know how we're going to tell anyone about what happened. maybe we won't. and maybe we'll never try for another baby. it's so hard to see what the future has in store for us. especially after something like this.