Warning: Mention of suicide
"I've always wanted a sister." Eleanor said enthusiastically as I sat with my so-called family at the breakfast table the next morning. I really didn't have an appetite and the mood was awkward. No one knew what to say apart from my five-year-old sister. "Ezra and Matteo doesn't know how to do my hair and mummy and daddy always does it too tight."
I tried offering Eleanor a small smile as she looked at me while filling her mouth with cereal. It wasn't her fault that my mother got her new daughter after abandoning me so I was trying my best to seem kind to this little girl.
"What house are you in at Hogwarts?" Eleanor asked and tilted her head. "Because mummy was in Hufflepuff and daddy was in Thunderbird at Ilvermorny."
"I uh–" I gulped. "I'm in Hufflepuff."
"I want to be in Hufflepuff." Eleanor continued with a bright smile on her face. "But Ezra says I'm a Slytherin because I always sneak into his room to steal paint. I like to pain and Ezra's an artist but he never sells it. Matteo says he's too much of a baby. I just think Ezra's shy."
Is she five or is she eight?
She doesn't sound like a five-year-old to me. She's definitely adorable and talks a lot. She seem excited. Because I'm here?
"El, maybe tone it down a notch?" Tanner asked, running his hand through his daughters hair, messing it up, which caused her to giggle and try and fix it. Her dad stood up and took his plate to the kitchen, leaving me at the table with Ezra, Eleanor and our mother.
Matteo went home last night and as far as I remember, he had work today but would come by the house afterwards.
"Are you not hungry, sweetheart?" my mother asked, causing me to look up. She sat at the opposite end of me. I simply shook my head, and Eleanor immediately reached over the table to grab the breakfast waffle that mother had cooked for me.
"I hope you don't mind." Eleanor said as she took a big bite of the waffle. "I really like waffles."
The sound of the doorbell filled the house and immediately, Ezra stood up, pushing his chair back. He ran a hand through his hair as he hurried out of the dining room to answer the door.
"Did you know–" Eleanor said with her mouth full of waffle. "Mummy chose my name. She named me after you. My middle name is Julie."
I looked at her at her confession and then I slowly looked to my mother. It hurt every time I was told something like that. Every time there was something that normally would show that my mother loved me. It hurt because if she truly did love me, why didn't she come after me? Why did she leave me with him for seventeen years?
"Uh– Julie." Ezra said as he entered the dining room again. "There's a friend for you. That– Nate I believe his name was."
My eyes widened a little but then I felt my heart flutter. Nate was here? Thank fucking god. I really needed to see someone right now that I was comfortable around. I excused myself as I stood up and walked out of the dining room, but my body came to a halt when I saw the look on his face.
His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were red and stained with tears. His eyes met mine and he sobbed as he nodded for me to follow him outside. I put on some shoes before I followed him out and closed the door behind me.
"Nate?" I asked as he walked down the steps before turning towards me again. "What's wrong?"
He breathed heavily as he ran his hands into his hair, looking everywhere but at me. Then he ran his hand over his mouth while he let out a cry.
"Did something happen with you and Callie?" I asked. "Did you have a fight?"
"No." he shook his head. "Fuck."
Nate was confusing me. He was crying. He was really crying and I had no idea why. If it wasn't because of Callie, then why would he show up at my mother's house, crying like this?
"Callie is at home." he told me. "She's at my home, sleeping in my bed. We've had a really long night. I– I don't know how to say this."
"Say what?" I asked, folding my arms over my chest. "You're freaking me out, Nathaniel."
He took a deep breath, his hand running over his face as another cry of pure pain left his lungs. He crouched down, trying to gather himself before he sat in the grass, shaking his head.
"We went to see Nick." he explained as I went to sit next to him. "We wanted to see if he was okay. His mum let us in, told us he was in his room. That he hadn't come down for dinner because he wasn't hungry and we– w-we went up there and– fuck I can't say it. Please don't make me say it."
I moved away from him a little, my eyes wide and my heart beating fast as I was getting the idea of where this was going.
"Nate." I breathed. "What are you talking about? Is Nick okay, is he... Nate."
"He was just hanging there." he cried, hiding his face. "I– he was just... I tried to get him down. I got him down b-but he was't... Nick wasn't breathing and I tried to revive him. Julie, I tried but it wasn't working."
Wasn't working?
"What?" I frowned, moving further away from him while trying to gather the information he just dropped on me. "Nate, what are you– Nick's not. He's not dead. That's not what you were– no!"
"I'm sorry." he cried. "It's all my fucking fault. I should've gotten there earlier and we would have found him in time."
I clamped a hand over my mouth, staring at Nate in shock. We were both in shock. Then realisation hit me and the most heartbreaking cry left my throat. I tried to hold it back but now that the first sob had left me, the others followed.
"No." I cried, shaking my head. "That's not the truth. Nick wouldn't do that! You're lying. Why're you lying?"
Nate looked at me, shaking his head softly. He tried to reach out his hand, but I got to my feet as quickly as possible, staring down at him through the tears in my eyes.
This is all just a bad dream.
I closed my eyes, bringing my hand to my left arm to pinch.
It hurt.
Pains equals awake.
No.
I kept pinching myself. I pinched myself over and over again, hoping that one of the times, it wouldn't hurt. That was until Nate stood up and forced me to stop by grabbed my arms and throwing them to my sides before wrapping his own around me in a tight hug. I hesitated but slowly wrapped my arms around his back, burying my face in his chest, though I had already started crying.
He was lying. Nate was lying. Nick was alive and we were gonna visit him. We were gonna visit him and we were gonna tell him that everything was gonna be okay. He was gonna be okay again and he was gonna be a healer like he always wanted to be.
He was gonna get married to a man once it got legal in England, once he found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he was gonna have a bunch of babies. He always wanted a bunch of babies. He wanted all five of us to be godparents, though we told him we weren't sure that many godparents were allowed.
He didn't care.
He doesn't care.
Nick would be alright. Nick was sitting in his room right now, writing a letter to me, telling me how he was doing. He was okay.
Right?
He had to be.
"I'm sorry, Jules." Nate whispered. "I wish it wasn't true but–"
"No." I said, pulling out of the hug. "It isn't true. He's just hurt. I'm sure if you check again, he's breathing."
Nate pressed his lips together and tilted his head while shaking it. His eyes were full of tears and I hated the look of pity in them. He looked at me like I was the one lying.
"He's breathing, Nathaniel!" I raised my voice. I heard the door to the house being opened but my eyes stayed on my friend in front of me. "Go check for fuck sake! Go check his pulse! It's there. I promise you, it's there."
"Julie." he tried to reach out for my arm, but I pulled back, shaking my head violently as my eyes teared up again.
"You don't get to decide if he's breathing or not!"
"I was there!" he yelled back. "I know this is fucking hard to hear but how do you think it was being the one to find him? He was hanging from the ceiling, Julie! Nick is gone!"
"Stop!" I yelled, placing my hands over my ears as I closed my eyes. I breathed heavily, squeezing my eyes even more closed, as if I never wanted to open them again. "Stop."
-
I'm so sorry, but it had to happen. It's all apart of what's going to happen in the end.