With a laptop perched on my knees, I search all news pages looking for updates. Wondering what state the world was in today. But each one told more devastation than the last and I could feel the hope that I had building, slowly dimish.
Death tolls, infection rates, confirmed cases and hopes of a vaccine in America littered the computer screen. My fingers even itched to check how England was doing, but I knew that they were currently in a better position that us, because my mum Skyped every week to see Theo and after the nanny and grandson time, she updated me. Last week she had her vaccination, along with my dad, which meant they were both now safe and a weight was lifted off my mind.
As I check the England news, my wedding ring glimmers in the light of the laptop, making me pause and realise why I am so worried about this virus. Flexing my hand, I stare at the band a little longer before curling it into a fist and looking at the man beside me. Fast asleep now, after an unrested night, Zak was snoring quietly, leg thrown over mine and head on my pillow, because his seemed to be somewhere.
His tossing and turning last night had kept me awake until almost 3am, until he gave up whatever ghost he had, pun intended, and settled in, holding me as if I was going to evaporate.
My asthmatic husband had only just returned back to work, but with how things were shaping up, I didn't give it long until he was back indoors, safe. Last March, Vegas had a stay at home order placed, the streets were empty, casinos for the first time since this city was built from the desert were silent and the seriousness of the situation hit home.
Nobody was safe in the pandemic, nobody, it took without mercy.
Glancing over Zak's shoulder, I see the small green screen and our son fast asleep in his bed. Now four years old, Theo was a spit of his dad, which meant double trouble for me, as I couldn't say no to either of them. I knew that he would be awake soon, that he would be asking when he could go and see his friends and why he couldn't come with me when I went grocery shopping and why I kept helping him wash his hands.
But most importantly, when he could have breakfast and if he can climb into our bed. It was a habit we had yet to break but with this pandemic, it made us all hold each other a little tighter, because we could no longer hold anyone else.
Rubbing life into my face, I sit up and wonder if my mum would ring this morning. I think she sensed a shift in me and I tried to remain happy and smiling, but mums knew, didn't they? She spotted it in our last video call and my excuse of tiredness was quashed when my dad looked over her shoulder and gave me the narrowed eyes, agreeing with my mum, I wasn't tired. I was unhappy.
But how to you tell your parents that you're homesick? That the first year you can't come home is the year you want to the most? Every year, I take Theo home with me, whilst Zak goes on a season spree filming. I never make him come with us, solely based on the fact that he hates flying.
Myself and Theo fly over, dousing ourselves in the English culture, before flying back with my parents in tow and spending a week in Vegas and a week in a location of their chosing, which is the two weeks Zak is spoilt for attention, as my dad wants every minute of his time and my mum is constantly fussing and feeding him.
Zak laps it up, of course and often sends me a grin when my mum is filling up his plate or taking his glasses off to clean them... She honestly can't help herself. But neither can he and encourages her. Even he misses them, but with the UK shut and America not safe, we have to wait and hope that this will all blow over sooner rather than later.
Closing all news pages, I sigh quietly, before heading back to my own source of relaxation, researching haunted places. I was mid-paragraph when Zak shut the screen of the laptop.
"One morning. One morning, I will wake up and you won't be chained to that freakin' screen." He grumbles tiredly.
I smile over my shoulder "Good morning."
The laptop is taken off my lap and dropped on the floor just as I'm yanked down on the bed and snuggled into. "Now it is a good morning." He replies as I laugh softly.
"You've probably broken that." I tell him quietly, reaching up to sort his bed head out.
"Yeah? Let's hope so."
Once his hair is deemed unruly, I run my hand to his shoulder and give his trapezius muscle a squeeze, earning a healthy moan out of him. I let up for a second before doing it again making him crack an eye open.
"You keep doing that, you'll need to do my whole back.." He warns.
"Which might not be a terrible thing. You were restless last night."
"Did I keep you awake?"
"A little. I dropped off eventually, when you did."
He sighs. "If you feel like me then you're in for a hell of a day. I'm exhausted."
I simply smile, not letting on that most of the time I feel tired because of his wiggling about.
Since this pandemic had has started and he had to stay at home, his sleep pattern was disturbed and I could only put it down to stress. The time he had to stay at home, for his health was the worst... He was up every couple of hours and I would have to go and find him, pull him back to bed and take whatever device he had on him. Phone, laptop, tablet, Apple Watch, anything, everything. He was worried to death about the museum, his staff, the show, his mom, the channel, me and Theo and how we were going to afford to live. It was only after I drilled it into him that we were living beyond comfortable that he relaxed and when the museum was allowed to open, the staff that remained were given a bonus.
"How long have you been awake?" He asks, fiddling with a piece of my hair.
"Long enough to check the world. England are vaccinating. But still shut."
He sighs. "I miss your mom's stew."
"Same." I smile. "Those little herby dumplings.."
Groaning, he pulls me in a little tighter. "When this is all over, we will all fly over."
"All of us?" I question.
He nods. "I'll brave a plane. Gracie can stay with my mom, I don't want her in the animal hold, she will get some serious ptsd from her stint in the pound."
Hearing her name, Gracie lifts her head and then picks up her stuffed pig. "Yeah Mr Piggles will be able to go with you." Zak says making her tail wag. "Addicted to Mr Piggles."
I grin. Theo wanted to get her a new toy and my reluctance to let him come to the store, meant a two hour online shopping experience with a four year old, who thought it was amazing that we could get things sent to us from the laptop. Magic, was the most used word, I think.
"You want a Mr Piggles?" I ask Zak, sensing some jealously there. She was spending more time with Mr Piggles than him lately.
"She is trying to get the squeaker out. I caught her the other day going mad on the squeaker. I thought Theo had it at first and was going to distract him with some swimming or even basket ball. Until I found her, hid behind the couch."
"Speaking of.. Hiking or swimming today?"
"Sleeping in, like we don't have a child." He replies, before looking over his shoulder and checking Theo is still asleep. "Wouldn't change him for the world, but some more sleep this morning would be great."
"We have about 10 minutes before he is hurtling through the door with 200 questions an hour.."
"I need longer than that. Probably two hours more sleep and another hour to give us both a extra good morning." He smiles lazily.
"Uh-huh. Mr Bagans, you are not even gonna get that." I tell him, watching Theo stir.
"Ah shit.. Better make way for the hurricane." He smiles. "To answer your question, today we hike, get some fresh air into our lungs. Typical boy, loves climbing on the rocks."
I nod and pull myself up into a sitting position, earning a grumble from Zak. "Here comes our little nugget."
Theo almost rolls out of bed with his stuffed rabbit and a wobble to his step, makes his way out of his room and on his way to us. I have to cover my mouth when he stumbles into our room, rocking the same hairstyle as his dad.
"Good Morning bubz." I smile.
His eyes are barely open and with a yawn he clambers up onto the bed, gives Gracie a kiss before falling in between me and Zak.
"Morning dude." Zak smiles as Theo inserts himself into the arm crook I was just in. The fact I have to share Zak's crook makes me grumble quietly, but its enough for Zak to hear and send me a grin.
Theo was a daddy's boy in the morning, he clung to Zak like a brand new toy and Zak ate that up. Every second of it. He adjusts Theo's stuffed rabbit between them and places a protective hand on his back as Theo snuggles in and falls back to sleep just as quick as he woke. "And that is it."
I shake my head with a laugh. "He is sound asleep, again."
"It's a talent I never knew I had." Zak jokes.
"Well... I'm gonna hit the shower, whilst he's asleep."
"I could shower..."
I laugh "Nu-uh, you're gonna stay here, by the time I'm out, Theo will be ready for breakfast."
"But I could wash your back and we can definitely get that good morning..." He hints, looking between me and Theo.
"Mr Bagans..."
"Mrs Bagans." He smirks.
"Stay."
His smile drops but one look at Theo and it's back. "Fine. But tonight, it's on.. I take my husband duty seriously."
I skip to the bathroom door. "You give the talk, you better bring the walk."
"You'll be lucky to walk."
I gasp. "Promises."
He gives me a playful growl before I slip into the bathroom.
Married life? It's pretty amazing and that fire between us? It burned hotter than the sun.