2 months later
"i can't believe she's already standing."
bee said as we watched luna hold onto the coffee-table and hold herself up. it feels like just yesterday michael and i were bringing her home. we weren't even together at that point. now we've been married for three months, have an eight month old, and now she's standing. next she'll be walking and talking...she's just growing up so fast. life is going so fast.
"i know. i wish she could just stay a baby forever."
i said as i held my hands out to catch luna in case she fell down. which she did just as michael was coming in.
"aw, did i miss it?"
michael asked with disappointment written all over your face.
"yeah. sucks to be you, cliffo."
bee teased as i giggled. michael rolled his eyes and took a spot next to me on the floor.
"how's everything going with you and cal's house?"
i asked bee. bee and calum decided they were finally going to move in together. but them being them, they had to be extra and build their dream house.
"good. we finally got all the blueprints finalized so we can start building on the land."
bee said.
"so after you guys move in are you going to take after us and get married and have some little hoods running around?"
"absolutely not."
bee said as i laughed.
"why not?"
"being luna's godparent is good enough for me. i love her but i also love giving her back at the end of the day."
bee said as my laughter only intensified. bee's never really been one for children. i know they love being an aunt and godparent but they probably couldn't handle being a parent.
"yeah she can be a bit of a handful. she takes after her father there."
i said as i passed luna over to michael. we sat there talking for a while before i felt my stomach turn and it sent me racing towards the bathroom. as i emptied my stomach into the toilet, i felt michael come behind me and quickly tie my hair up into a ponytail. it's been like this for days. i can't seem to keep anything nowadays.
"you good?"
michael asked as i wiped my mouth. i nodded my head as i got up and brushed my teeth.
"are you okay?"
bee asked as they walked into the bathroom with luna on their hip.
"yeah. i haven't been feeling well for the past few days."
i said as i spit my toothpaste out.
"if i didn't know any better, i'd think you're pregnant."
bee laughed. michael and i glanced at each other before bee's eyes went wide.
"are you pregnant?!"
bee asked me.
"i don't know. maybe? it's not like we weren't trying."
i said as i looked at michael.
"i'll go buy some tests."
michael said as he walked out of the bathroom and headed out the door. i took a deep breath as i sat on the edge of the bathtub and bee sat next to me. am i ready to be pregnant again? am i ready to be a mum again? i don't know. i guess there's no turning back now anyways.
"do you wanna be a big sister?"
bee asked luna as she giggled. i know luna would be a good big sister. and i know michael would be such a good dad. he already is the best dad. but could i handle two kids? i don't know. it scares me. soon michael came home with the tests and gave them to me.
"bee, we love you but i think this is a bit private thing for us."
michael said.
"ugh, fine cliffo. call me when you get the results."
bee said as they handed luna over to michael and left. i looked down at the two tests in my hand and sighed.
"god, i'm scared."
i said as i looked up at michael.
"don't be. everything will be fine. go take them and i'll put luna down for a nap."
michael said as he kissed the top of my head. he walked out of the bathroom as i looked down at the tests in front of me. here goes nothing. after i took them, i placed them on the counter and sat on the edge of the tub.
"fuck i'm so nervous."
i said as michael sat down next to me.
"don't be. if they're positive, then we'll be parents again. and we'll have everything we've been talking about for months. if they aren't, then we'll go on with our life. it'll be okay."
michael said.
"i love you."
i whispered as i placed my head on his shoulder. this is just so completely different then when i found out that i was pregnant with luna. i'm not scared to find the results out with michael. i know he's in for the long haul. i know he'll be here if they're positive. i didn't have that last time. the alarm went off on my phone and i felt my heart start to pound. i stood up and looked at them before looking back at michael.
"they're positive."
i said as tears fell down my face. michael smiled as he picked me up and spun me around.
"we're having a baby!"
michael said with a laugh. we're having a baby. we're actually having another baby. this is insane. i can't believe we're going to be parents again.
2 weeks later.
"are you going to have fun with aunt sierra and uncle luke?"
i asked luna as she giggled in sierra's arms. sierra and luke volunteered to watch luna tonight since she hasn't seen them in so long. and michael and i couldn't pass up the opportunity for a date night. michael and i haven't told anyone about the baby yet and we're just trying to keep it between us for now. i'm 10 weeks today and michael and i are still so over the moon excited.
"she's going to have so much fun. and i'm going to show her why i should be her favorite uncle."
luke said.
"i think cal fulfilled that spot already."
michael joked.
"we'll see about that."
luke said as he started to tickle luna.
"thanks again guys. we'll see you in a bit."
i said before michael and i laughed. as michael and i drove towards the restaurant he had made reservations for, michael placed his hand on my flat stomach.
"i can't believe we're having another baby. i'm so excited."
michael said as i laid my hand overtop of his,
"do you think it's gonna be another girl?"
i asked him.
"i don't think so. i think it'll be a boy this time. michael jr."
"absolutely not. we are not naming our kid michael jr."
i said with a giggle.
"well i thought it was good."
michael said as he playfully rolled his eyes. we arrived at the restaurant and thankfully weren't hounded by the paparazzi. fuck those guys. once we had gotten settled at our table and placed our order, i excused myself to the restroom. but when i pulled down my clothing, i was greeted by a bright red stain that made my heart sink to the deepest bit of the my stomach. i raced out of the bathroom and straight to michael.
"michael we gotta get out of here."
i barley choked out, trying to not make some sort of scene.
"what, why?"
"please just..."
my voice trailed off as michael read the look on my face. he knows when something is wrong. and this is something wrong. he grabbed my hand and led me out of the restaurant and to our car.
"so where are we going?"
michael asked me.
"to the hospital. i think i'm having a miscarriage."
i said as i stared out the window at all the stars in the sky, praying that my deepest fears aren't coming true.
+
numb. that's all i feel. that's how i've felt since the doctors told me they couldn't find a heartbeat. since they confirmed my worst fears. i had a miscarriage. and suddenly that dark cloud that i thought i had gotten rid of has formed over my whole body, instead of just my heart and brain.
i can't even look at michael. i can hear him weeping next to me. i can't cry. at least not right now. i know this is my fault. it was my body, it had to be my fault. and i can't get the doctor's words or michael's weeping out of my head. it's engrained in there.
is this going to break michael and i? how is he ever going to face me again? i'm the reason our child is gone. the reason he isn't going to be a father again. the reason luna won't be a big sister. this is all my fucking fault. i can't stop thinking of what i could've done differently. there has to be something. but now it's too little, too late. where the fuck do we go from here?