Leaning against the balcony balustrade, Arnav allowed himself a smile as he brought his teacup to his lips. His favourite old song was playing on the modest music system in his living room on a low volume filtered into the cold night air, the song's lively tempo elevating his spirit and the mood of the song relaxing him at the same time. He was exhausted and hoped sleep would claim him very soon. He had been thinking about retiring for the night when his eyes sharpened and focused on the person who had just walked in through the gate of the building.
He watched Khushi wave at someone in Akash's car as it turned and zoomed off, leaving her coughing in a cloud of dust. His eyes followed her as she adjusted her dupatta over her shoulder and started walking towards the staircase, carrying quite a few a carry bags in both hands. It seemed like she was struggling to balance the load in her hands, and as expected, a few steps later, a couple of bags slipped from her hold. She groaned, adjusting her dupatta again and bent forward to pick them up while muttering something in irritation. A soft smile bloomed on Arnav's lips, and without a thought, he rushed downstairs instinctively.
Caught completely off guard, Khushi eyelashes flickered watching him standing in front of her eyes out of the blues. His eyes scanned her face and her thick silky mass of hair which rippled about her right shoulder. Suddenly her dupatta slid off her left shoulder, and his gaze dipped lower to the bare skin for a moment and shifted away immediately.
She dropped the rest of the bags in a hurry to adjust her turquoise gossamer silk dupatta once again over her midnight blue sleeveless kameez. He slid his eyes back to her's, capturing a deep look of anxiety in them and mentally cursed himself for getting caught in such a moment with her in a public place.
"Leave the bags with me. You go ahead." Arnav suggested in a hoarse voice.
She lifted her perplexed brown eyes to his impassive ones. "I want to show Aai what I have sho—shopped tonight, and I need those—"
Something in Arnav's expression altered subtly. "I am—" He pressed his lips tightly together as if trying to suppress a smile. "I am not keeping your bags at my place. I am following you upstairs right now and handing them over to you."
"Oh." A wave of pink rushed into her cheeks. "Sorry, I don't know what I was — I think I am too tired. Exhausted. Or knackered, as you English would say it." Her eyes widened suddenly. "Not– not that you are – I mean I didn't mean you have become an Englishman now. I wouldn't —" She stopped talking and shook her head as if giving up on herself and her ability to hold herself together in the presence of this man.
Arnav watched her switch imperceptibly into the inveterate chatterbox that he had always known her to be. Without saying another word to her, he picked up all the bags she had pooled around her feet and strode off towards the staircase. She followed him on shaky legs muttering something angrily to herself and almost rammed into him when they reached their respective doorsteps. He stepped away from her, handed the bags over to her and closed the door of his apartment after offering her slight nod when she thanked him.
A smile touched his mouth as he entered his living room, albeit a very reluctant one, but the one he was planning to wear until he surrendered himself to the slumber which was suddenly luring him to bed after a long time. He switched the lights off in the living room and had turned towards his bedroom when the shrill ringing of the phone sliced through the still night, startling him and making him groan after he glanced at his watch.
"I hope I haven't woken you up, firangi." Anjali's muffled voice came alive on the line.
Arnav smiled, walking towards his bedroom and switched the lights on. "No. I was busy enjoying a cup of tea with some good music. You were meant to be here in the afternoon. Where are you, sweetheart?"
"Half an hour ride from your house. Just got into town."
"That's great! I was just—"
"I don't want to know. Come and pick me up. I know it's eleven in the night, but you are taking me out for coffee right now."
"Am I ?" He said, his eyebrow arching in amusement. "Okay. Let me see where the gang—"
"Just you and me. Bas." She said flatly.
Something about the tone of her voice bothered him. "Okay." He paused. "Then why don't you put on something warm, because I'm taking you out to the best coffee shop across the town."
"Uff! The day has finally arrived. You are finally fulfilling the fantasy of my life."
"Your fantasy with me in it? This is interesting!" He asked in a lazy tone as he opened his cupboard and started rummaging through the neatly stacked clothes with the phone tucked between his ear and shoulder.
"Don't ask. School Year Nine! I had harboured a teenie weenie crush on you for some time. And I would have fainted if Arnav Chauhan had asked me out then!"
Arnav burst out laughing, the phone almost slipping off his shoulder. "I don't know where you are getting with this flattery, my darling, but I have a feeling I'm getting laid tonight."
"Halkat!" She gasped. "Tu nahin sudhrega!"
"Who else can I talk shit with but you, Jelly?" Arnav chuckled as he pulled out a blue tee and a pair of jeans from the shelf. "I'll be there in half an hour. Be ready."
"Yes, sir. See you soon." Anjali smiled.
****
The coffee shop was a small, smart and a popular place serving coffee for decades on the outskirts of Pune, and Arnav was a known face to the staff. When they entered, the proprietor welcomed him with a hug and big smile and personally escorted them to a table at the farthest corner of the shop. After the initial small talk, he asked Arnav about Khushi, and he briefed him about her whereabouts, placed their order and let out a deep sigh as they finally settled down at their table.
"Kamine! You had brought Khushi here often enough for that old man to ask about her! And you never brought me here even once! Remind me to kill you once we are done here." She said through gritted teeth.
"Will do." Arnav chuckled. "Ab woh sab chhod, and tell me how you are," Arnav asked her with slight concern in his voice. "You had tears in your eyes when you hugged me, which has never happened before. What's going on, Jelly?"
"Arey kuchh nahin. Was just good to see you after so long." She said dismissing the look in his eyes. "So, tell me what happened at Eddie's today? I got stuck in Mumbai and missed the lunch with everyone." She groaned.
"Nothing much. You know about the villa Akky has booked us into in Lonavla for two days and one night. So we just discussed the details and other mundane things. Akky seemed very excited because all of us would be together after a long time." He said with a smile. "We discussed the logistics of getting there and got a headcount. That's all."
She nodded. "Akky told me the villa boasts a pool table and a swimming pool. I am sure the men must've had an orgasm just thinking about having those just for themselves for two days!" She grinned, and Arnav laughed. "And yes, we will all be together technically, but hell, who cares!" She turned her face to stare at the red tablecloth moodily. "I just hope we don't spoil it for him and Pi. There is too much friction between a lot of us at the moment."
"I know what you mean but we won't. We all love him too much to mess it up." He admitted dryly and saw the expression on her face change instantly. "Okay, will you now cut the bullshit and tell me what's going on?"
There was a distinct pause, more like a guarded hesitation in her stance. "I am in a mess, Arnav." Her throat clogged with tears and she welcomed the arrival of the waiter who brought them their drinks and sandwiches. A sigh whispered from her which was so bleak and hopeless, she was glad there was no one around to hear it besides him. "I think I am still in love with Niks."
Arnav stilled and for a moment was rendered utterly speechless. "Why—why aren't you with him then?"
"He broke up with me. I didn't." Her eyes shifted away from him because she knew she couldn't look at him and say what she had to say. "It was unexpected. I wasn't ready for it. It shocked the hell out of me."
The silence between them lengthened like a wire being stretched to its absolute limit. Eyes met across the table in understanding as if both knew exactly how that felt.
Arnav cleared his throat. "Had it been rough for a while before you guys split up?"
"Maybe for him, Arnav. And maybe I was pretending everything was okay. You know how often we would break up and make up. It was one of those mad fights where I pushed him too far too long, I think." She closed her eyes as if wishing the pain away. "And then I landed this job in Pune. My heart was finally at peace because I thought the distance between Pune and Mumbai was probably the reason for all the fights and the strain between us for so long. So, I was excited. I saw us spending a lot of time with each other, and I couldn't have been happier."
"Did Nikhil know you were trying to move to Pune for him?"
"I was trying to move to Pune for me, Arnav. I wanted to be with him." She said quickly. "I called him the night I had the offer letter in my hand after one month and twenty-three days of staying away from him without contact. But he didn't react to the news at all. He said I was wasting my time by trying to move to Pune and that he had found someone else."
The breath hissed from his lungs with her words. "Fuck."
"Don't judge him, Arnav. I admit I never made things easy for him." She sighed. "He has been the understanding one, always and I have been a nuisance to him, really."
Arnav kept staring at her. "What nonsense, Jelly!"
Tears pooled in her eyes, and she looked away. "How does it matter what I think now? The bottom line is, I drove him away, Arnav. Somehow. And now—" A tear rolled down from one of her eyes, and she wiped it off quickly. "Now I have to watch him with Naina every time I—"
Arnav swallowed thickly as he held onto her hand tightly. "I am sorry, Jelly."
"I didn't realise how deep regret and jealousy cuts you. I kept thinking it would get easier with time and that the pain will dull with every subsequent visit. But it doesn't. If not anything else, it gets worse." She held the cup with trembling hands to warm her fingers. "This kind of thing doesn't let you rest in peace, does it?"
His skin began to prickle, and a slight tremor of response rippled through his whole body on hearing her words. "Jelly—"
"Forget it. Story over." She smiled. "I have realised I am those fattu kinds, Arnav. I would rather stay in a fortress than risk my heart again. I can sit and cry because my heart got broken and then rightfully build these strong walls around me to protect myself—and from what, I have no clue! But I know, eventually they will become so strong that I won't be able to feel anything anymore."
She looked desolate. And Arnav knew he could never associate that word with her. This was not the Anjali he knew. But four years had changed everything around him. A sigh escaped his lips as he held his cup in his hands. "Would you like me to talk to Niks, sweetheart?"
"No."
Arnav looked into those eyes, and his heart ached for her. "Okay. But if you change your mind, I am here for you. If there is anything you think I can do, I will." She nodded with a watery smile, and he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "So, where does Rajiv figure in all this?"
"Who Rajiv?" She let out a soft laugh, and he smiled. "Yaar, Rajiv is my ex-colleague. We worked together in Pune. We tried dating and realised there was no spark between us. But he is an amazing friend and is aware of my equation with Niks. Its a deal between us, until we find someone else, we hang out together."
"Where was Khushi when all this—?"
"Khushi was slated to fly out two days after I broke up with him." She sighed "August 94." She cleared her throat. "The nightmare month of my life. I lost him, and I lost her too."
A frown pulled at his brows. "What-what happened with— no, I am sorry. Don't answer that."
"No, it's okay." She sighed. "We had fought like spoilt cats that day. When it happened, we both were in a different frame of mind, suffering and burning in our personal hell. You know we both have a foul temper, and it blew up. In hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do. But we will sort it out soon, that's why I am here. I'll go see her tomorrow morning." She said with a smile and watched him listening to her, but other than his attention, he offered her nothing. His expression was sombre, the harsh lines of his profile telling her that he was lost a grim world of his own. "How is Kabir?" She asked him softly, hoping to divert the subject to something else.
His eyes snapped back to her's, his face telling her that he welcomed the change of subject "He is good. He has come a long way, practically turned his life around. I am very proud of what he has achieved." He smiled.
"You know everything about what happened between him and Khushi now? All the details?" She asked, and he nodded and saw his face close up. "I know she had been right in hiding it initially, Arnav, but it was very naive of her to carry on with it once you were in town. But you know her, once decided, she never wavers." He looked upset. She could see that. But there was something else going on behind that hard, tight expression on his face and she decided to drop the matter altogether. "All good with Kabir and you now?"
His stance eased up a bit as he looked at her. "I guess. He is better now, Jelly. When he came clean about everything, I realised the full extent of what had transpired between him and Khushi. I wish someone had told me about it because things had slipped out of his hands completely. But I am sure, besides Khushi and him, no one else knew what exactly had happened between them." He looked away after he took another sip from his cup. "After she left, I watched Kabir withdraw himself from everything, watched the shock of having lost everyone dear to him harden his eyes, watched the guilt eat him day and night, and I knew then that none of us could help him anymore. One evening, I had a serious discussion with my parents, and Pa finally took Kabir to see a psychologist. Fortunately, Chhotu agreed without any resistance. The change I see in him now, I suppose has a lot to do with the therapy sessions he went to for almost a year."
"You didn't speak to him all these years?"
"I didn't." His face flushed with guilt. "Because... I didn't want it to be easy for him again. Me giving in early would have gotten the sting out of the situation, and things would have rolled back to what they used to be before very easily. I hated myself for doing this to him, but now when I met him after four years, I felt a tad bit less guilty for having put him through it."
"It mustn't have been easy."
"Wasn't. How can it be easy when you don't speak to or meet the person you have loved all your life, Jelly?"
Her half nod and the glint in her eyes told him she understood the underlying implication of those words. "Have you forgiven him?"
He shook his head. "It is going to take time, but I will get there someday. But Chhotu has come a long way, and I can't take a risk with him anymore. He has stung me so badly, I will always be wary of him in future." A frown marred his face as he looked at her. "I was worried that pushing him away now might make him snap back to his old self and all that he has worked hard to achieve might just go down the drain. It's hard to live with the fact that you will never be forgiven, Jelly. Not everyone can handle it." He went quiet for a moment, and his eyes clouded over. "I cannot—simply cannot take away everything he has achieved so far just because I couldn't let go of my anger or couldn't muster up the courage to forgive him." He said in a solemn voice. "I know who and what I am dealing with. It will take a very long time for me to trust his emotions again, but he is my brother. If not me, who will look out for him? I love him and will always be there for him."
Mouth set into a straight line, Anjali dared touch a sensitive subject. "Will you be able to forgive Khush?"
He wore his poker face when he looked at her. "Forgive?"
"Pi told me you are snapping at her."
"I always thought Pi was one of those who would never talk about anything to anyone." His lips suddenly relaxed into a smile. "I am just keeping distance, Jelly. I don't know what she wants from me now."
"Does it bother you that she wants to talk to you?"
"Intrigues me. What now? Why now?" He replied earnestly.
"Those years were difficult for her too."
"I am sure they were. But what can I say to that, Jelly? That I understand her colossal pain which she brought into our lives willingly?"
"Arnav—" She paused. "I understand what you are trying to—"
"No." He snapped. "You don't, Jelly. You really don't. So there's no point going over this."
"I know you had tried to reach her and—"
"Forget it. Let's not —" He leaned back in his chair and looked away.
"Arnav—" She paused. "I want to apologise again for that day. I am sorry I couldn't get you her Maavshi's phone number. Khushi didn't want me to, and I couldn't break a promise to her although I knew the kind of hell you were in." She said, guilt reflecting in her lowered lashes.
If he was finding this particular part of the discussion a bit of a strain, he didn't show it. "It's okay. I understand that aspect of friendship very well, and I am glad you were there for her." He said with a smile.
She looked at him and a question which had stayed in her heart for a long time slipped out. "How many Kulkarnis did you find from the telephone directory of your friend in Bangalore that day?" She asked him curiously.
"I had a fair idea where her Maavshi lived. We had found thirty-seven numbers for that family name in and around that area. I had called all of them." He declared flatly.
Anjali stared at him, stunned. "You what?"
"Don't look at me like that. I just wanted to speak to her once before I left and you know that!"
The muscles around her heart tightened in agony and almost drew out tears. "Akash didn't tell me all this, but he had mentioned that you had waited for her call."
A nerve ticked in the jaw and he suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable in the chair. "I —"He started but stopped himself for he couldn't get any words out through the incredibly painful lump strangling his throat, a reaction that surprised and bothered him at the same time.
Anjali leaned over the table and reached for his hand quickly. "It's okay, Arnav. You don't have to talk about it. Fuck, it's not worth talking about if it's causing you so much—"
He drew in a long breath and forced a smile on his lips. "I am okay to talk about it, Jelly. It was a long time ago, anyway." His assured her as his eyes took on a wistful gaze. "After she left for Bangalore, I remember sitting next to the phone day and night until I flew out to London. I even slept with the phone next to me but sleep evaded me. And then I knew I was going crazy when I carried the cordless phone to the shower as well." He chuckled softly. "I had set the loudest, weirdest and the most unfamiliar ringtone for our phone for those few days so that I wouldn't miss her call at any cost." The laugh that followed was soft and painful. "And I remember that one night when I had stepped down to see off the Xavier's gang who had to come to see me because I had to refused to step out of my house. I will never forget that moment it in my life, Jelly. I was at the gate of the building seeing these guys off when I had heard that piercing ring of our phone upstairs in the still of the night, and insanity had snapped inside me. I had pushed everyone away and ran upstairs like a man possessed because it was close to midnight— the time Khushi and I would usually call each other — and I had been so sure it was her, but—"
For a moment, Anjali thought she saw tears in his eyes before he looked away quickly, and her throat clogged up, and her stomach hurt for she knew that pain. She knew it first hand. "I am—"
He shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I was a fucking idiot, Jelly. I was in denial. I refused to believe she won't get in touch with me. I kept running to the balcony every single time I heard a rickshaw pull up at the gate hoping that she — I thought after a couple of days she would come back knowing that I was going to fly out — and I don't know why I was so sure!" He looked away as he held the nape of his neck with his fingers. "All I had wanted was one chance to assuage her anger before she had left for Bangalore. I wanted her to rethink and reconsider because I thought she had been very hasty in making such a big decision for both of us." His voice came out rough while he played with the cup in his hand. "I knew I had fucked up on the hill that evening, and I deserved the treatment she was giving me or something even worse maybe, but, breaking up was —" And the tension was back, in the clenched jawbone and the white-knuckled hands gripping the teacup in his hand. "And that's why I had rushed to her place the next morning. We would have probably tried to talk about everything without biting each other's head off, and she would have had time to think about everything. And despite that, if she had still felt there was no other way to resolve her hurt and pain other than walking away from me, I would have accepted and respected her decision."
"I know."
He shifted restlessly, feeling a wave of an angry discontent sweep through him at his inability to control his tongue and emotions. "But now I have accepted her decision and everything else that came with it. I am not here to change or fix anything anymore, Jelly." He said quietly, a flicker of pain disturbing his long lashes. "It's not in my hands anymore anyway."
She frowned. "What if she—"
"She won't. I know for sure she won't." He interrupted. "Right now she is worried sick that our bickering over the past might spoil the mood for Akash and Payal's wedding. And I respect that."
Anjali found a small smile. "Is that what you are telling yourself ?"
Arnav chuckled. "What are you, my shrink now?"
She shook her head and narrowed her gaze on him. "Keeping her away by snapping at her is helping the cause?"
"The other option is far more painful and unnecessary. The relationship ended four years ago, and that ended everything. Why won't you leave it there?" Irritation flared up in his eyes suddenly. "She wanted this, Jelly! Come on! What do you want from me? I had messed up, I agree. Pretty big. And she rightfully didn't forgive me, broke up with me and walked out of my life. And I stood there, received my sentence and served it with my blood. What more can I do? Why these questions now? What are you waiting for me to do? Is there still some more begging for forgiveness expected from me?"
"No! No begging, Arnav. But you and her —"
"There is no me and her, for god sake!" He fired at her. "What is it with everyone? Akash, Payal and now you too? I know you all have good intentions at heart, but you know what? Stay the hell out of it. I said the same to Kabir yesterday. I am done with this interference from everyone." He ran his fingers through his hair and tried to relax his flared up nerves. "I am sorry. I just want you all to leave me alone."
Her eyes filled with wryness when she heard him utter those words. "So—" Her words trailed off, lost in the helplessness she was feeling inside.
"So nothing, Jelly." He said quietly yet firmly. "Aur kya ahad-e-wafa hote hain, log milte hain, juuda hote hain.
Note: Late today, AD was brutal-- but keeping the promise! :)
Do let me know what you think of the chapter. I look forward to it. I do. Thank you for your lovely comments and votes for the previous ones :)
Take care everyone, stay safe. :)