Chapter 40
NATE’S POV
Not long after, Jane fell on an uneasy slumber with her back arching in an uncomfortable angle so her head was on the bed. I asked her to sleep on the couch but she refused, heck, she even fought her drooping eyes as hard as she could. My chest pained as my eyes wandered next at my daughter’s meek face. My daughter has a blood disease. God, I don’t think I’m ready to know what type of blood disease it is but I’m praying it wouldn’t be something that is life threatening.
Jane stirred from her sleep and mumbled under her breath. I reached out to tuck a loose hair to her ear and my fingers lingered on the silky smooth skin of her cheek. She was pale. I imagined many scenarios in my head on how I was going to ask her to marry me, but none of those was close enough to this. Just when I finally had the guts to settle down and ask the girl I love for her 'I do' did this things have to happen.
I looked at my wristwatch; it was already quarter to ten. I started rubbing the knotted muscles on my shoulders and I massaged my temple to ease the tension, this has been a very long day. The door opened and I turned to look who it was. Jane's mom closed the door behind her with a click and doubled upon seeing me there. I stood up quietly and made my way to her, I think the last time I saw her was during her birthday and months had passed already since then.
"Jesus, what happened to my granddaughter?" She prattled once I was standing in front of her, her face had this worry lines and her eyes kept on shooting glances behind me, where her daughter and granddaughter were sleeping. I gave her a small smile, 'cause I couldn't say that there's nothing wrong to Nath, when there is.
"They are asleep, have a seat." I stirred her towards the cream upholstered sofa and she sat down, took off her fur coat and unwounded her scarf.
"I received this call from Connor he said that Jane and Nath were in the hospital. Tell me there's nothing wrong." She said in a frantic soft voice and I could understand her panic, especially the frustration of not knowing what was happening. I didn't know that Connor was already informed about this, I'm sure he knew even before me. Jane must have called him first; of course, he was and would always be the best man in her life. Not only he was her best friend, he was also an ex-lover. That thought brought another pang of jealousy, I shook my head, and I shouldn't dwell on insignificant matters.
"The doctor had talked to us; he suspects that Nath has a blood disease though it wasn't confirmed yet." She choked a gasp and covered her mouth with trembling gloved hands.
"Oh my poor baby, blood disease? Oh God." She cried, I found it awkward to comfort her, as if I didn't have the right to do so.
"Mom, how long have you been here?" I turned to see Jane standing from the chair and grimaced as she straightened her back. She stood beside me and before I knew it, we were hand in hand. She held my hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if we were together. Her warm, soft flesh sent a buzz in my heart and it felt good, I wanted to sigh in relief but I refrained from doing so, instead, I tightened my grip on her hand. Why I did that, I don't know. Lauren eyed our joined hands with apprehensive eyes before she looked up at our faces with a satisfied smile lurking behind her maintained worried face.
"I just arrived. You, young girl should have called me right away!" Lauren said in a stern motherly voice and I felt Jane cringe beside me. I took a tentative step forward; I just felt this protective demeanour inside me.
"Lauren, please understand that she didn't really had the time to call you or me for that matter. Please, let's just drop that you should've called me and stuff." I said, I wasn't in the mood for a row so I used my most persuasive voice.
Lauren sighed, "But she had the time to call Connor and not me!" Lauren insisted, well, she has a point. Though there was nothing wrong with what Jane did, she just felt like calling Connor instead of her mom. Calling me was really out of the question, as she didn't know I was actually arriving.
"Mom! God, was it important who called who? I was in panic and it was Connor whom I thought first because he's a doctor, for God's sake!" Jane burst out as she yanked her hand away from me and ran a frustrated hand to her now messy hair. She sank on the couch and buried her face on her palms and a sob broke from her. I was on her side by an instant and I rubbed her back reassuringly, how long do I have to see her breaking like this? I knew she was suffering and was worried sick for our daughter, but so was I, so was her mom.
Lauren sat beside her too and I stopped rubbing her back, giving her mom the space to hug her. She needed that. "I'm sorry Hun, it's just that I'm so scared when I received the call and was a bit hurt that you didn't even call me." She said in a resigned voice. I started to feel a little out of place so I made a move to stand up; Jane looked at me with tears still cascading down her cheek.
"Where are you going?" She asked, with the same manner as a child afraid to be left behind by her mother in a shopping day. It tugged my heart uncomfortably.
I caressed her face, "I'll just give my mom a ring, and she must be worried sick. I'll break the news to them too." She nodded her head; I gave Lauren a small smile then went out of the room.
It was when I was outside that I realized I felt like suffocating from the emotions I was feeling. I dragged a long breath, filling my lungs with air but the heavy feeling inside my chest wasn't even dulled for a little. With a sigh, I pulled out my phone from my pocket and opened it. There were at least seven messages from mom and three from dad, all nagging me about what time exactly was I arriving home.
I dialled mom's number and it rang once before she answered, "Nathaniel Hughes! How dare you ignore me and you even dared to shut your mobile phone!" Mom fired at once and I slumped on the wall, here comes the inevitable.
"Sorry, mom." I mumbled and I started working on my temples again, another headache was coming up.
"Where are you, are you still coming tonight?" She asked exasperated. I started walking down the hall until I arrived on a waiting lounge with chairs lined up neatly and a television on the wall. 'Doctor Who' was flashing on the screen with a very soft volume that I couldn't even make out what they were saying. I sat alone on the chair and listened to my mom's another verse of nagging.
"Mom." I interrupted midway her litany about being married and the bliss of settling down with the girl I love (that was probably Jane). "I'm in the hospital, okay? Stop nagging." Silence.
"Still there?" I asked, if this was on another occasion, and if it wasn't my daughter who was in the hospital I would have laughed.
She gasped, "God, Nate, what happened to you? Are you okay? What hospital? Answer me!" She gushed and a small smile crept in my face as an amusing thought entered my mind. She was just like Lauren when she talks like this.
"Here at Clayton." The smile fell from my face as I remembered why I was here again. "Nathalie was brought here." I choked. I told her the pre-diagnosis of the doctor and I received another stifled gasp from her, she must be trembling right now.
She told me that they would be coming here first thing in the morning and I had to agree. I didn’t have a choice. A cup of espresso entered my vision and I looked up to see Jane giving it to me. I took it and mouthed her thank you. “I have to go mom, see you tom.” I said and hung up.
“What did they say?” She asked as she settled on the chair next to me and took a sip of her own coffee.
I sighed, “They will come here tomorrow. If it’s not already late they would probably be on their way.” I took a careful sip from my cup and allowed the bitterness spread on my taste buds.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I asked, looking at her while she found her cup more interesting.
“For not calling you, I didn’t even think of calling you.” She looked at me apologetically and embarrassed at the same time. The truth was it stung but I couldn’t do anything about it, it just told me my place in her heart. “But I wished you were here. While my daughter was in the emergency room and I couldn’t do anything but to cry, all I thought was I wished you were here.”
It was stupid but my heart fluttered, I could fist pump the air and howl a yes but that was just utterly stupid. But these stupid feelings felt right and reasonable as I looked at her shy smile. “I guess I could count that as positive point for me.” I said
“Anyway, how come you’re here, I thought you aren’t going home until Christmas?” She asked as she held the cup between her hands.
“Oh, that? I was hoping to surprise Nath but I guess it was me who was surprised instead.” I said in a failing humour.
We fell on a comfortable silence until she spoke again. “Thanks for being here, anyway.” She mumbled under her breath.
“Yeah.”
“And the thing about telling her about you… I hope we can take it slow.” She looked at me again with hopeful eyes. How I could say no? I wanted to tell Nath as soon as possible but all those vanished with just a single hopeful look.
God, I’m pussy whipped.
“How are we going to tell her?” I asked; the main question was how are we going to tell her this?
“That I don’t know geezus!” She groaned in frustration. Talking it out to a child isn’t really a hard thing to do but it could turn out bad.
“We should tell it to her in a straightforward manner.” I think that was the best thing to do right now.
“But that’s not being slow at all!” She looked at me incredulously.
I sighed, stood up, disposed the empty cup on the trash bin, and stood in front of her, “Bursting into that room right now would be fast but waiting until another day is being slow. We can’t tell this to her in a one word per day approach.” I said as calm as I could, I didn’t want to trigger another breakdown from her.
Were we going to argue about this now, just when things were going smoothly for us? “Look, Jane… She will understand. I don’t know if she’d be happy but at least I know that she wanted to meet her dad. Maybe, just a hopeful point from me, she’d be happy that I’m her father.” She stopped glaring at me and her gaze softened.
“Of course she would be happy!” She stood up and enveloped me with a warm hug, as if I would breakdown crying at any moment. One more thing was that it felt like the same hug that she had given me from six years ago, the same warm loving hug that only she could make me feel. “She’s totally in love with you, and she still don’t know who you really are in her life!” My hands locked her with my own embrace and my eyes dropped shut.
I love the feeling of her in my arms.
“Could we stay like this for a little longer?” She mumbled shyly and God, she didn’t even have to ask. I was dying to hug her!
“We can stay like this forever and I’d still be happy, babe.” She stiffened; I guess I shouldn’t have said that.
Silence fell over us, I should be stepping back now but my body acted as if it has a mind of its own. I didn’t make a move to let go of her and she did the same. We just stayed wounded to each other. “I missed you so much I thought I’d go crazy.” She whispered and it sounded like song to my ears. I was turning into one of those mushy bastards but hell with that, I didn’t care. It was the truth.
“I died waiting for this day you’d tell me you missed me, J.” I mumbled and she snorted.
“Not that obvious, eh. But I missed you calling me J too… You know how much I used to love your words of endearment for me.” Used to love? Does that mean she didn’t love it now? I wasn’t able to answer so silence filled us again. How did she expect me to respond to that, when I was here crazily in love with her?
“Did you mean it?” She asked and I pondered as to what she was talking about, she must have sensed I didn’t grasped her. “Did you mean it when you told me you love me?”
Now it was my turn to become still, how I was going to answer. If I said yes, would she freak out and run miles away from me in an instant, what if I lie and say no, would she sigh in relief and laugh it out? How was I supposed to answer? I regretted that seconds of hesitation when she untangled herself away from me and looked at me with pained eyes.
“Are those only ‘spur of the moment’ words?” She asked again and I wanted to smack my head, why couldn’t I tell her that those words were true! Perhaps they weren’t, maybe that’s why I couldn’t speak? But God, no, those words were the reflection of my heart. However, I knew deep down in my heart why I couldn’t repeat those words… I was scared; I got scared that she might reject me. I deserved to be rejected anyway. I was the prick who left her when she needed me the most.
She laughed. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry, I understand we are stressed.” She ran a nervous finger through her hair which she set in a bun. “I’m going back inside.” She spluttered and rushed away, leaving me alone with just the freezing air of damnation.
* * *
Mom and Dad came at around noon and of course, they spent most of the day with their granddaughter. The room was busy with their constant chatting as if they forgot why they were there. Stories of interesting events from the past years were exchanged between Lauren and my mom, whereas my dad suddenly committed his time to make my daughter laugh with his unexpected stories. It was creepy to see him like that; I thought he never liked kids because when mom opened up the topic of adoption from the past he flatly refused.
All that while, Jane didn’t even risk a sideway glance in my way. She made excuses so as not to talk to me and I was confused as hell. What was her problem with me anyway? With a begrudging resolution, I ignored her too because she was being childish!
Nath’s laughter filled the room and if it wasn’t for the contraptions attached to her she would be prancing and dancing around the room while she laughed. That alone sent a smile to my face. The whole thing about her illness shortly forgotten until a nurse walked in and asked us to come to Dr Andersen’s office.
Dread washed through me.
“So, is it really a blood disease?” Jane started as she walked in front of the doctor. Mom, Dad and Lauren sat on the couch, ready to listen to whatever he was going to say whilst I remained standing a few paces behind from Jane.
The doctor sighed and started scanning through his metal chart. “The diagnostic tests results were increased lymphocytes in the client’s blood and… we call her disease as Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.” A collective gasp resounded inside the room and Jane wavered on her feet. I leaped beside her and placed a steadying hold on her arms, she stared wide eyed to Dr Andersen.
“Lie. You’re lying. That’s impossible!” She cried accusingly but the doctor only looked at her with professional apprehensive look.
“Leukemia?” Lauren stood up and stomped her way towards the doctor as if she was about to bite his head off. “You’re telling us that our grand daughter has Leukemia?”
He nodded, “I’m afraid that’s correct.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding us…” Lauren almost slapped Dr Andersen but then my dad was on her in an instant. For a moment, I felt sorry towards the Dr Andersen for receiving all this hostility.
“Lauren! Stop this now, let the doctor finish!” Dad said sternly and Lauren was shaking as hard as Jane was in my arms. Mom only watched us with horror.
“My daughter has Leukemia, Nate… God…” Jane cried softly as she clung on me with dear life.
“Jane, please, calm down. We can’t do anything about this.” I choked as my throat was constricted. “Please continue, Dr Andersen.” I said and he nodded towards me gratefully.
“So I was saying, the patient’s bone marrow was producing cancer cells and we should treat this as soon as possible because ALL gets worse quickly and metastasis might happen if not treated accordingly. I’m going to refer you to a pediatric oncologist and we would work side by side.” He said and Jane managed to bob her head in understanding. At least she was coping with this rather nicely.
“Please, tell me she’ll get through this.” She pleaded hoarsely. Mom was now hugging Lauren and Dad was standing there beside them with a grim expression on his face. When he caught my gaze, he looked at me with a forlorn expression.
Dr Andersen explained to us the type of treatment Nath will be going to receive and they decided that Chemotherapy with bone marrow transplant was the wisest way to treat her illness. For a second, my shoulders sagged in relief to know that there was a treatment but then the idea of my daughter receiving chemotherapy scared the shit out of me. I would never understand how painful was that and I feared the fact that she has a cancer. My poor daughter has a cancer.
We all undergone Bone Marrow compatibility test the next day but it would take at least two days to know the result. The chemotherapy started as soon as possible too, few days after we learned about the true nature of her illness. Standing there, unable to do anything for my daughter whilst she received her treatment was the worst thing in my life. Nath cried and begged me to stop them, she pleaded for her mom to take her far away from those ‘bad people’ as she called them but we couldn’t do anything. We were helpless.
We soon learned that none of us was compatible with my daughter and so we have to rely on the bone marrow bank to look for a donor. We asked when we would have a donor; they answered us that they were not sure.
I thought it was a progress that Jane had started to stop crying every time Nath received chemotherapy. I thought she was coping. But she wasn’t, as the days pass by, she became more withdrawn until she wouldn’t say anything about how she was feeling. She was guarded and she wouldn’t express anything. She would just stare whilst her daughter cried and flailed, she wouldn’t cry, smile or even recoil.
Nothing.
It was as if she was only a shell, I was slowly losing her.
I just came from the office to check on my employees, they had been very supportive, all of them and I was thankful. I was about close the doors behind me when I heard Jane speak sternly towards my daughter. “Eat this.” She said with a detached voice. She has been talking like that towards Nath and my daughter was getting scared of her.
“I don’t want to!” Nath cried.
“You have to at least eat, that’s the least you can do!” Jane spat back and I cringed at the intensity of her hostility towards my daughter. Connor told me it was probably a defence mechanism she developed because of the extreme emotional depression she was experiencing and all we could do is to support her and let her feel she wasn’t alone. Amy has been a very good friend too, she was always beside Jane but she was withdrawing herself from everybody.
“I don’t want to eat and I don’t want to take the shots! They’re painful mommy!” Nath was crying now and the next thing I heard was the bowl crashing to the hard marbled tiles in the floor. I made my way towards them and Jane was looming over my daughter with a furious glare, her fists clenched so hard that her knuckles had turned white.
I stood beside Jane and squeezed her shoulders, she looked at me with her eyes that have lost its shine and have the dark circles underneath it. “Take it easy, Jane.”
“Am I going to die? Mommy, am I going to die?” She said her lips trembling and her tears were continuously falling from her eyes; she was thinner and was paler.
Jane stiffened from my grip as I felt my own heart breaking. “What do you know about dying?” Jane muttered softly as tears started to fall from her eyes for the first time in weeks.
“What do you know about dying, Nathalie?” She shouted and Nath’s wail grew louder. Lauren burst out from the door and stopped from her track when she saw what was happening. Her hands flew on her mouth as it trembled.
“Tell me what you know about dying!” She insisted and Nath hiccupped, trying to suppress her hysterics. “Did you see us giving up? We are not giving you up so why are you asking me if you’re going to die! No one’sgoing to die!”
“When… W… when I die… I will ne… never see you again…hup… hup… I don’t wan’t to se… never see…hup… you again… hup… I’m scared… hup… hup… I wan’t to… hup… stay with you… forever… with daddy… hup.. hup… I’m sorry…” She tried to speak in between her crying and God, I couldn’t describe how much it broke my heart for the umpteenth time. She was afraid to die. I was afraid to lose her.
A tear fell unwelcomed from my eyes; I couldn’t bear seeing her like this. “You’re not going to die, Nath. We are not going to let you go even if you wanted to.” I choked as I fought the hard lump stuck on my throat. Jane jerked away from me and walked out of the room. When I got out running after her, my heart dropped.
I saw her lying unconscious on the hospital floor.
She was emotionally and physically exhausted, that was what Dr Andersen had told me. My heart felt like it was being tortured out of my chest. I staggered my way out of the hospital I needed air. I needed to get out of that place where all I could feel was pain; I wanted to become numb from everything, I wanted to be free from any emotions. Once outside I slumped down on the step of the stair leading outside the hospital and buried my face on my knees as finally, sobs broke out from inside me.
For once, I allowed myself to buckle and show how weak I was feeling. The chilly December wind blew and caressed my nape as I nursed my tears. It was near Christmas, heck, I don’t even know what date it was already. Sooner, it would be my daughter’s seventh birthday but here we are, stuck in a place where we were all wallowing in self-pity and grief.
“Crying won’t give you solutions, Nathaniel.” Dad said beside me, I didn’t even sense him sitting beside me. I ignored him so he continued.
“That weakness is your strength.”
“Strength? I feel like dying dad! I’m scared as hell and I’m fucking tired of all this!” I said and raised my head to look at him under my teary eyes.
“He won’t give you something you can’t surpass. You are their strength, Jane and Nath. So be strong for their sake. Don’t let them see that you too are breaking because they are hanging onto you.” He said and he was right. My family was relying on my strength and I have to be strong for two more people.
I wiped my tears away, “Heck, I was even crying. God dammit.”
“Crying signifies you are strong enough to let those tears out. I’m proud of you, son.” He said quietly as he stared ahead on the tress and benches surrounding us. I dimly recalled mom telling the same thing to me, crying isn’t a sign of weakness but it was the proof that you are strong enough to accept what you were feeling.
I stood up and dusted my jeans, and looked down at him; his greying hair was swaying along with the cool breeze. “Thanks, dad.” I went to the ward where I left Jane sleeping for a while but she was not there. I looked around the floor but she was nowhere to be found. I checked on Nath’s room, hoping she was there but she wasn’t. I gave up looking to her; she would show up when she wanted to.
I walked past the chapel on the second floor, just about to go back to Nath’s room and noticed there was someone inside, when I entered just to check, I saw her kneeling at the front with her eyes closed. The dim light illuminating Christ’s crucifix at the centre of the chapel and flicking candles surrounded him. The chapel was small but it has the sense of reverie in it, it was as if He was actually embracing me. I knelt beside her and she looked at me with a soft gaze.
“You’re here.” I said quietly and she nodded her head without looking at me. “Are you okay?”
She nodded, “Yeah, thanks for not giving up on me… I’m sorry for acting like I’m the only one suffering.” She looked at me and her misty eyes shone from the dim light coming from in front of us. Her blue orbs boring onto mine.
“Nah. I understand how you are feeling, Jane.” She nodded and turned to look at the crucifix again. “I’m tired…”
“Then let me carry yours.” I said,
A small smile crept on her face as a lone tear fell from her closed eyes.
“I asked him what his problem with me is. It seemed as if he’s deliberately punishing me. What have I done?” He asked softly with her eyes closed and fingers interlaced together.
“No, he just knows that you can overcome this.” I said in an equally soft voice.
She looked at me again with accusing eyes, “But I can’t. I can’t take this anymore!” She cried as she sniffed.
“I’m here, Jane. You have me, we are in this together and we will surpass this together, with Nath.” I reached out to take both her hands and squeezed it reassuringly. She has to know that I will never leave her.
Her lips quivered as she stifled a cry, “We can?”
“Of course, it will hurt less if you’re not alone. You have Nath and me by your side and a whole bunch of people too. You have Lauren, mom, dad, Amy and Connor.” I smiled at her and she wiped her tears away and reached out to place her palm on my cheek.
“I have you?” I nodded. “You’re not going to leave me alone?” I nodded. Another wave of tears fell from her eyes but she smiled nonetheless. It was a heartbreaking sweet smile that I couldn’t help but lean my forehead onto her.
“I love you, Jane. I’m not going anywhere and we will overcome this together.” I whispered, it was only for her to hear and for God to witness.
“Is that only a ‘spur of the moment’ statement again, because if it is I’m going to smack you?” She whispered playfully and I smiled.
“No, this time it’s real. Will you stay with me forever?” I asked, I didn’t even have the ring with me but screw that, all I needed was to let her know I love her and all I needed was her ‘yes’.
“Is that a proposal?”
“I suppose.”
She smiled, “I guess I have to say yes.”
“Is that real or is it only a ‘spur of the moment’ answer?” I asked and she smiled at me.
“No, this time it’s real.” And I kissed her. This might not be the best place to propose or it might not be the sweetest in that matter but it was the perfect way for us. Promising to stay with each other forever and sealing it with a kiss, just perfect.