I opened my eyes, and I was still in that horrible room. I had to get out. I had managed to calm down and had asked to call Max.
I had also agreed to take some soup. I swallowed the sour drink as Rosy watched me with a slight smile. Sighing, I filled the spoon again and brought it to my mouth.
"How is it?" the girl asked.
"Tasteless," I barely muttered.
She nodded, keeping her smile. Rosy could be calm because nothing could have happened to Acrux. According to what I heard, they had gone on with the search for their past. Perhaps they had returned to their cities and to meet their life again—life that humans took away.
"How long...?" I asked in a weak voice.
"You only have been here almost four days, patience," she replied.
Wow, I thought it was longer. With the excruciating pain I had, every second was eternal. I remembered that I even had my period, bringing me a new sadness caused by the thought that not even correctly taking the pill had left me something of him, like a baby. No, nothing. What a rare reason to get sad.
I took another sip of the soup. Marcus entered the room and smiled.
"Very good," he said. "Max is on his way."
I nodded. I finished the horrible soup with a great effort of will. After half hour, perhaps, Max appeared in the doorway. I could see that he had been shocked by my state. I shrugged slowly, trying to excuse myself. He cleared his throat and came to sit in the chair next to me.
"So... this is you," he said.
"I want to get out of here." My voice was still weak and pathetic.
I couldn't blame myself; I was broken in every sense of the word.
"But I cannot do anything..."
"I know. I don't care... I want you to teach me to defend myself, to shoot... So that I can go..."
He frowned.
"You're crazy. They won't let you go... Go where?"
"I'm just leaving. That doesn't interest you."
"Forget it..."
I got out of bed suddenly, scaring him again, and grabbed onto his shirt without giving him time to bolt.
"Do it, please do it! I must go. I must find him!"
He held my hands in horror.
"You know he is no longer..."
"No, he is not dead!" I sobbed. "I don't accept it!" I tried to calm down. "I must go for him, even if he is... I want to see his last whereabouts, anyway. Please..."
I couldn't take it anymore, and I let go of him, falling, sitting on the mattress again, crying, and shaking my head. It was breaking the few pieces of my heart I thought I had already rebuilt somehow.
Obviously, I would not tell him that I planned to avenge Sirius in some way. Just wanting to see his last whereabouts was a slightly more reasonable idea.
"God... calm down," he murmured; I could hear the panic in his voice.
He patted me on the shoulder a couple of times, and after hesitating for a second, he hugged me. I felt the blow of my body's rejection. Not again, another scent, another body. It was unbearable. I pulled away from him and hugged my knees, sighing.
"Okay, enough... I'll teach you... but I disagree with your suicide mission."
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, and nodded.
"You don't have to worry about that." I took another deep breath to calm myself a little more and stop shaking. "Anyway, I have nothing here anymore. There is no relief or solution for me."
I was surprised to see the sadness on his face. That was something I had not seen before.
"Yes, there is. There always is," he said softly. "Well, if that helps you, I'll talk to them. You will be under my charge."
He stood up and headed for the door.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"You're welcome, pretty," he answered, melancholy.
He disappeared from my sight, and I shook my head. He didn't change. At least he would get me out of here. Without the governor and his men looking around town for me, I could be at the training ground. However, the memories would kill me there too. Without Sirius, everything in my world was empty and lifeless, but I would have to get used to it as I did after my parents' death.
That same afternoon they agreed to let me go out, not without forcing me to eat lunch. I barely touched some rice and the grilled chicken fillet; I couldn't take more.
"Your things are still in the room you used that time," Max warned me as we left.
I took a deep breath coming out of that hospital. It felt like I had not been outside in years. Still, everything looked dead and meaningless to me. Empty. I followed Max to the training ground, trying to push away the memories already coming to haunt me.
Upon entering the building, I found some soldiers doing weights. I hid my face as much as I could under my hair since I seemed worthy of a horror movie.
Max dropped me out of the room, and I was absorbed in staring at it.
"Go to see me when you are ready to start. There is no rush. It can be tomorrow or whenever you like," he said kindly.
I nodded, and he withdrew. I opened the door and entered. I strolled towards the bed and found the navy-blue shirt that Sirius had worn. I no longer remembered that he had left it there before going in or after getting out of the shower. I couldn't resist taking it to hug it tightly, and his scent hit me and tore my soul apart. However, I couldn't help but smile. How it hurt and how it calmed.
I lay back on the bed, hugging the shirt, clinging to it as if my little life depended on it. Maybe it did. His heavenly scent surrounded me and stabbed into me like a dagger, but I wouldn't let go, I would not let go...
***
I felt a slight jolt. I opened my eyes, my heart ached, and this time it didn't seem to be just because of the immense sadness I was complaining about. It hurt me seriously, the organ itself. I should hurry to find him before I die here. I looked up, and Max was looking at me with concern.
"I was worried... I thought you had already... Forget it," he said, trying to sound casual at the end. Yes, he sure thought I had already died. He frowned. "Sorry, I ordered those idlers to clean..."
"No," I interrupted in my thin voice. "It is okay... Never mind."
I clutched the shirt, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I felt it hurt and calm at the same time again. Max snorted in frustration.
"Come on now. You will kill yourself before your time if you continue like this."
He pulled my arm to my feet, and I reluctantly put the garment on the bed and followed him. We went to the training ground. He had already taken everyone out of there, happily. Apparently, he knew that it would bother me if they saw me as I was now.
"Thank you," I murmured, "for taking them out..."
"Yeah. I figured you didn't want them to see you this terrible..."
I nodded. He walked over to one of the wooden trunks and pulled out a rifle or whatever. It was a weapon. After all, only that mattered to me. He gave it to me. It was heavy.
"Okay, let's get started," he said with some enthusiasm.
He guided me to where the targets were to shoot. He put ear protectors on me and helped me with the position to hold the gun; my body kept rejecting any type of contact, but I didn't care. I had to learn to do these things.
My mind suddenly focused on one goal. If only it were possible... I would kill Orion, oh yes... that damned one would die.
"Grab tight and shoot," Max told me. "Be careful. This weapon can push or hit you if you don't hold it well."
I nodded and did what he told me to do. I pulled the trigger, and even though I had held it steady, the shot pushed me back a couple of steps, and the bullet was lost through the woods. Pathetic. I thought this would be easier.
Disappointment hit me. I wanted to leave as soon as possible but learning to shoot was going to take time. I decided that it would be enough if I managed to hit a target, and I would go.
"Well, I wasn't expecting more," he said. "Better run a bit. You need to clear yourself." I looked at him doubtfully. "Run! Run!" he ordered, and I ran. "Give all the laps you can to the field!"
The wind gently hit my face as I jogged. Sirius had told me that he liked to run when something bothered him. I quickened my step to appease the growing pain that came after that sweet memory of him smiling at me and me kissing his lips.
I shook my head and accelerated further, enduring my sudden sob. I began to breathe hard and vent my pain in exhausted gasps. I had not eaten well and wasn't in shape, but I was clearing myself somehow.
I couldn't even finish the first lap and ended up leaning on my knees, thoroughly agitated. It hurt to breathe. I couldn't give any more. I was going to faint.
"Hey! Don't stop suddenly. Walk!" Max ordered.
I gritted my teeth and began to walk as I gradually calmed down. The afternoon wind cooled my face and sore eyes.
I got to where he was.
"Go ahead. I don't want to see you complaining!" he demanded, surprising me. "You want to go and burn everything, don't you?!" I was surprised again. "That way, you will never achieve anything! Run!" I started running one more time. "Run! Run! If you don't get stronger, you won't be able to get revenge! I want you to transform all that helplessness and anger into energy!"
I kept running. It was true. If I didn't strengthen myself a bit, I wouldn't be able to do anything. Apparently, he knew somehow how I felt.
After a while, I really couldn't run anymore. I walked exhausted, like a zombie. He leaned closer and patted me on the shoulder.
"Although that has been pathetic, I think it is enough. I'll teach you all the basics today, okay?"
I nodded. He guided me to a sandbag that hung from a metal arm, one of those that boxers hit to train. He got to my side in a fighting stance and motioned for me to do the same. I tried to imitate him the best I could. I was wearing soft pants and sneakers, of course. I was already prepared for this.
"With your fist like this," he said as he made his fist, and I did the same, "you throw a blow with force."
I felt my hand a little stronger because of the way he had made me do my fist, sticking the tips to the bases of my fingers and closing. I hit the air just as he had indicated.
"What was that? Stronger!" he complained. "Strength in the arms!"
I gave the strongest blow, but the force was going forward.
"Strength in the arms!" he insisted. "Hit it, feel the force in your arm, don't let it go away. Strike with energy, and hold it. Do not fully stretch your arm, or you'll damage your ligaments. Then you take out the other fist. Let's go! To the punching bag!" he encouraged me.
I started hitting the bag, drawing all my strength, feeling like I was venting in a new way instead of just crying. It hurt a lot because the bag was really hard, and I didn't have much strength, but it was comforting. I started to growl with every blow. Max was nodding silently. I stopped breathing, somewhat agitated again.
"It's good, isn't it? You can hit this thing whenever you like... but the important thing now is that you should run fast, so run again, go!"
I shot out at his command and ran again, feeling faint again after a few minutes. I slowly stopped until I ended up walking.
"I'll tell you something," he murmured, coming closer. "For you to be in good shape, it would take at least a month of intense training."
"I can't stay that long," I said sadly.
"Well, we'll focus on shooting, okay? At least a couple of days until you make it."
I nodded.
"Thank you."
"Anyway, you need some strength in your arms, but hey, Come on."
He brought me back in front of the targets to shoot and handed me a full-size pistol. It was heavy; I didn't know they weighed like that being so small. He gave me the signal, and I got into position.
I fired and couldn't help but smile barely. Apparently, shooting gave people a good feeling. I did not hit the center of the target, but at least I hit one end.
"Something is better than nothing. Keep practicing, focus well," Max encouraged me.
I distracted myself the rest of the day by practicing shooting with various weapons. The pain did not fade, but at least I had my mind occupied.
Upon entering the room, I got ready to sleep, wrapping myself up in solitude again. I got out of the shower and sighed, trying to ease the pain. It was not easy to be here, knowing I had spent a night with him not long ago.
I made my way to the bed. I lay down, finding his shirt and hugging it to sleep.
"Good night..." I barely whispered.
I allowed myself to shed a few more tears until I fell asleep from the exhausting day.
***
"Never leave Me."
"I won't..."
I woke up, and it was already another day. The pain in my chest had been present even in my dream.
I heard the movement in the field. The men were already there doing their things. I wouldn't go out the way I was. Although I looked better, my eyes were still a bit puffy. I peeked around the dining room, making sure no one was there and went over to get a drink. Everything tasted like sand in my mouth. I ate just to eat.
I was toying with the oatmeal on the plate when Max appeared in my field of vision.
"How are you?" he cautiously asked as he approached to sit across from me.
I straightened up.
"Just here..." I replied blandly.
"Ready to run and vent a little more?"
"Yes..." I dropped the spoon. "It's only momentary, though."
"I know... I know there is no way to alleviate your pain, but you will be able to cope one day. Believe me, it will never go away, but you get used to it." I looked at him doubtfully. That was true, and I was surprised by his strange moment of wisdom. "Yeah, right..." he continued. "How do I know? Well, my mother also died a few years ago in another attack, which now I don't know if it was from the government."
I looked back at my bowl of oatmeal.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's fine. I know it's not the same as what you're feeling right now. At least people already know that parents will leave one day, right? Sooner or later, they will... Although yours is a little different." He crossed his arms. "But I imagine you want to go out and make everyone pay.
"I wanted to do it. I wanted to go out and burn everything because the government was not able to control them. I joined this organization to help get them off the ground, but now I find out that they are not the bad guys in the movie." I nodded, looking at my plate. "Hey... You'll be fine," he insisted gently. "Now, you don't believe me, and I know it, but you will be."
I was silent. Maybe one day I could handle the pain, but not now. That idea didn't fit in my mind.
***
I tried to shoot again, not caring if the soldiers were mainly looking at my haggard face. Tania and her followers were not there. Max had told me that things on the outside were not looking very good and that the government wanted to attack the evolved communities. Although, they were getting the stay of some evolved men who had been controlled in the city. At the same time, those implicated in EH's corruption and abuse were being hunted down and detained by the World Police. That news made me feel good for a few seconds and then gave way to anger that this must have happened before when I still had Sirius.
Orion would pay me this.
The targets were put into position, and I aimed. Sirius's sad look came to my mind, and I frowned. Orion's words hit me too.
"I'll make you wish you weren't born."
I focused on the target. I couldn't understand Orion's level of hate. Was his pride hurting so much? That soulless man would know what it felt like to have many bullets piercing you and ripping your body apart if I had the courage. Maybe not. Realistically, I would perhaps not be able to shoot him, but I could feel I would be able.
Another image came to mind: when Sirius gave up killing Altair when he had supposedly killed me. Maybe I should be like him, not become a monster like Altair and Orion.
"Marien... I am waiting for you," Max claimed.
I snapped my teeth and refocused. I fired and hit the target again, but not in the center. Max was amazed. It was challenging to hit the target. Suddenly the marks began to move. Thus, it started the actual training.
So it passed another day. After shooting for a while, I hit the sandbag. After lunch, I kept shooting. I had to remember that this was to defend myself if being attacked and not to kill. I didn't want to poison myself with the desire for revenge. Anyway, if I could do it, the moment would be welcome.
***
I loaded my backpack with some grenades, knives, ammunition, and a couple of pistols. I would leave in the morning, after almost three days here.
Sirius...
I wanted to dream that I could talk to him and have him close, but all I dreamed were distressing things, only reflecting the genuine anguish that hung over me twenty-four hours a day.
***
"You are my eternal companion..."
I noticed that it was already daylight. I heard his voice and repeated in my mind the words that he would never hear: 'and I will follow you into eternity.' Why didn't I answer that? Oh, I was too distracted and overwhelmed with the heat of his body.
I got to my feet with great difficulty and went to get ready to leave. I didn't want to spend another day in this city.
I tied the shoes' laces, put a pistol in the holster held on my belt, and a knife. I took my backpack and headed for the exit.
"Hey, don't you wait?" Max interrupted me. I rolled my eyes and turned to face him, obviously impatient. "You didn't think I would let you go alone," he claimed, arching an eyebrow.
I frowned.
"What?"
"I'll go with you. Just give me a few minutes," he said as he turned around.
"No!" He turned to look at me, confused. "I want to go alone. You'll try to stop me from doing something, and I don't want that!"
He denied it with his head.
"Do what you have to do. I won't stop you, trust me. I just want to ensure you get there and achieve your goal, whether throwing yourself into a river or off a cliff." He shrugged. "If you are happy once more, even for a few seconds before you die, I have nothing left to do but contribute."
"This is not funny," I replied angrily. "I am not going to kill myself!"
"Wait for me..."
He snuck down a hallway. What a bummer! I was sure he would try to convince me or stop me in the long run, but he would fail. I knew well what I wanted.
He reappeared with a backpack on his back, a gun on his belt, and two knives as well. My lips tightened. Maybe he would help me for real. Anyway.