I heard the retreating steps of all the evolved men. The pain invaded me to the tips of my hair. I wanted to die. After a while, I heard someone running toward me. Max knelt and shook me.
"Marien!"
"We should take her to the hospital," one of his men suggested.
They lifted me and carried me away. They laid me in the back seat of one of the trucks and drove off. The pain consumed me more and more. It was a shame not to die from the pain of loss and thus end the embracing feeling of being ripped alive.
On the way, I was listening to the disputes of the men.
"They took the governor too. This is a declaration of war, without a doubt," one of them said fearfully.
"The electricity still hasn't returned..."
"How could we suppose something like this would happen? Luckily, he saved us, going with them."
***
They carried me back in their arms and laid me on a stretcher. I heard the desperate voice of someone, someone I knew. Without a doubt, Marcus.
"What the hell!" he exclaimed.
"Marien," Rosy muttered, scared.
"We assume she's on some kind of sedative," Max explained.
They transferred me again somewhere. After a while, I felt pain in my arm, but the pain from losing Sirius was insurmountable. All I wanted was to get rid of the drug's effect and scream with all my might.
***
After almost an hour, I was in a quiet room. Two people came in and sat nearby.
"Do you think we can do something?" Rosy asked. She was distraught a lot.
Someone sighed.
"I don't know what to think anymore. Knowing how they act, he might be dead by now or not, but he will soon be. We wouldn't get on time anyways," Max muttered.
Why didn't they just kill me and stop talking about such things in my presence? It was my husband they were talking about, a person who meant my whole world.
Someone else broke into the room.
"I'll sedate her." It was Marcus.
"How? Isn't she sedated already?" Max asked, concerned.
"No," Marcus replied as he injected me with something. "According to the tests, she has a drug that doesn't deactivate her mind, so she is probably listening to us..."
"Oh, geez," Max said guiltily.
Little by little, the darkness invaded me, and I lost myself completely.
***
"Forgive me..."
I opened my eyes to the memory of his voice and found myself in a hospital room, empty and neutral. The pain in my chest hit me hard, spreading like poison throughout my being.
He was no longer with me.
Tears started running down my cheeks. I gritted my teeth and moved my hands to my mouth to silence the loud sob that rose from my throat, causing me to contract in pain.
He was gone, he left me...
"NO!" I let out another big sob.
I couldn't hold it back anymore, and I began to cry bitterly and disconsolate, contracting more from the pain as I cried and screamed. There was nothing, no one who could calm me down now.
Marcus ran into the room.
"God, Marien," he exclaimed, surprised.
He reached over and wrapped me in his arms. His touch hurt me to the depths of my soul, knowing that I would no longer be in the arms of my Sirius. I kept crying loudly as if that would bring him back to me.
"Marien," he whispered. "Marien, relax."
"My Sirius!" I managed to scream between my constant crying.
"Everything will be fine..."
I shook my head in denial. How could he tell me that? They all always said that when my parents died. It was always the same. The story repeated.
Someone else broke into the room.
"You must calm down, or you will have a hysterical attack or something." It was John.
Another thing that hurt my soul was hearing those voices, knowing that I would not listen his. I felt selfishly bad that they spoke to me. The world was destroyed for me. Nothing made sense anymore. This hurt me. I wanted to die. I wanted to go with him. There was nothing left for me if I stayed. It was not like with my parents when I clung to the investigation. Now Sirius had become my life and taken it with him.
"Sorry for hurting you..."
He left with them so that they would kill only him and leave us alone. I pulled away from Marcus.
"I'm leaving," I said between sobs.
"What?"
He tried to stop me, but I gave him a shove and stood up, staggering. John cut me off at the door, and I started to push him, but he resisted.
"Let me out!" I yelled in a terribly cracked voice.
"What are you thinking of doing?" Marcus asked, horrified.
"Go for him!"
"It's not possible, and if Orion finds you, he will kill you..."
"I already know it! I don't care!" I screeched. John put his arms around me. "No! Let go!"
"The sedative," he asked Marcus.
"No! NO!" I started screaming.
They immobilized me and injected me with the sedative. As much as I had struggled, I could not get away from them. I started to calm down right away, out of my will. Marcus laid me down on the bed and started stroking my hair.
I realized that it was daytime. Apparently, they had kept me sedated all night and maybe all day. I was dying of pain, and soon darkness invaded me.
I was just like him. They had taught me not to get upset in high-tension situations, and there I was, like a sad madwoman, prey to emotions, losing control of my life completely...
***
I heard a beautiful melodious manly laugh.
"What are you waiting for then? Come here..."
His sweet aroma surrounded me. I opened my eyes and found myself in the room again. He was not there; it was an illusion. I had him in my arms just the day before, and now he would not return. The tears ran down my face again.
Give him back. Someone give him back to me... please...
I wanted to go back in time and stand next to him. I started crying again, trying to keep quiet as I contracted in pain, enduring the loudest sobs. Rosy entered the room and approached me, very sad. Heavens. If the sadness that others felt for you could return your loved one... it would be very welcome. But no one could offer comfort in these cases.
"Friend," she said almost in a whisper, "calm down."
Don't ask me to be calm, don't do it.
I let out another loud sob and covered my mouth through clenched teeth. I gulped and tried to articulate a few words, feeling my throat burn and tear as I did so.
"I should go... maybe we can still..."
"Save him?"
"Where is Max?!" I was able to speak at last, but still with a cracked voice and a sore throat.
"They are with the matter of revealing to the world what happened... about the gob..."
"Why is he distracted by nonsense!" I interrupted. "He should have gone after Orion and tried to get Sirius back." My voice trailed off until it was just a sad whisper. Rosy looked at me sadder. I wiped the tears from my swollen eyes and started to stand up. "Sorry. It doesn't matter. I'll go myself," I snarled.
"It's been almost two days..."
"What!"
She got scared at my reaction. "They've had you sedated..."
"How dare they!" I screamed and cried.
I covered my mouth again, contracting at the sobs that consumed me. I had lost everything. If they hadn't shot and drugged me, I would have gone after him immediately. If I didn't save him, they would have killed me with him, and in the end, it didn't matter because I had been by his side.
And now, by losing control in hysteria and crying, I had wasted precious time. I broke.
Rosy hugged me.
"Calm down," she tried uselessly to console my crying. "Do you remember what I told you?... life goes on."
I lost the notion of time.
***
I found myself leaning against the wall, staring at nothing, empty, dead alive. I had not wanted to eat anything. My puffy eyes drifted to my hand, stupidly digging into my ring.
...Eternity.
The memory of his beautiful voice made me close my eyes as it tore me to the core. I opened them again. I was already like a zombie. I stood up, staggering. I stepped out into the hall and looked around paranoidly before exiting.
At some point in the day, they had put me in a hospital gown. I felt like one more of the place. People watched me go by like I was crazy. Who knew? Maybe I already was. How to tell if you were crazy? There was no way. And my waist-length hair was a complement that enhanced that image.
I saw little birds perch outside a window. I smiled. Sirius liked to hunt them. I approached the animal, keeping my sad smile while a few new tears came to my eyes.
Dear Rosy, sometimes life does not go on. Sometimes days went by. They pass... and pass... and pass...
"What would Anthony say if he saw you like this?" asked a voice.
I rested my head on the glass, making the birds go away, and I answered, angry that it was not the voice I wanted to hear, "He knew it. That's why he asked me for forgiveness before leaving me... to die in life..."
My friend sighed and stepped closer. I instinctively backed away. I couldn't bear to have anyone around. The touch and aroma of another person hurt my soul. My body rejected it and cried out for me to give it the warmth of my beloved, and I couldn't deliver what it so desired.
"You can't go on like this forever," he mumbled painfully.
"Marcus..." interrupted a female voice, Rosy. "Leave her. This takes time. What's wrong with you?"
He turned to face her.
"I know. I'm just trying to cheer her up."
"You know it's not possible," she demanded. "She will recover as she did with her parent's accident, but stop bothering..."
I looked out the window, completely absorbed and oblivious to what the two of them were saying. Whatever they said, I felt that time wouldn't fix anything, again, like when my parents were attacked.
Knowing that the people I loved the most had suffered before they died... Knowing that the love of my life would have suffered the most horrible tortures before dying... destroyed my soul.
At a certain point in our lives, we all wanted our loved ones to die surrounded by happiness. Close their eyes, and fly in peace. It was not fair. I couldn't take it. My parents had died together, fighting for what they wanted. I was not able to be next to my husband, who was so young. He didn't deserve any of that.
His culture had considered him too young to follow his dreams, making him serve excessive punishments instead, but they didn't consider him too young to die horribly. They had decided for him until the end of his life.
My government and the evolved people's rules took everything from me... I would take revenge.
I clenched my fists so much that they were shaking. I had to get out, find Sirius, and give him the goodbye he deserved. If Orion found me, I would want to kill him, but I didn't care if I failed and ended up buried with Sirius.
I left my friends talking to each other about taking me to therapy and slowly walked away. I ran into John and smiled at him falsely. He was a bit confused, but he didn't follow me, how good. A voice on a nearby television or radio made me react.
"At the moment, the search for the governor continues. We do not know where they have taken him, but we have a special unit working on it... So, tell me, do you think he is alive?... Whether or not he is with life, this is a war, gentlemen. Our men are preparing their best weapons...
"And in other news... What does all this mean? Officer Max Turner revealed to us a tape about what happened that day... I don't know. The associations have risen and are trying to avoid the use of weapons. It is chaos... The president has spoken and leaves the use of firearms to our discretion but recommends being careful and preferably doing nothing...
"Oh, that is bullshit, my dear. The president cannot tell us to use arms because it would look bad. It is evident that this is over. The EH must disappear... And so, it is, ladies and gentlemen. We could be the first evolved free state in the world...
"I disagree, and I believe that I speak on behalf of all the protective organizations when I say that in the recording, it is clearly seen how those evolved people fight to defend our officers... The older recordings show how men of our government control the EH. How to know then if the government itself mostly induced the attacks that occurred?... Do not come with those things. This is not science fiction... And what about the abuses committed in the security buildings, huh? Now we can say that they are completely true."
Somehow, I ended up in my old room, which I shared with Sirius for a few days here at the hospital. The world out there was turning into chaos. Max was doing things right.
I opened the door, hoping to feel relief from my immense pain, but it was the opposite. I walked over to the bed and fell to my knees at the side. I leaned against the mattress and hugged my knees as the crying burned my throat.
I opened my eyes and found his, so green and beautiful. I smiled sadly, trying to bear the anguish. He rested his back against the mattress, looking at me tenderly.
"Hey..." he said, caressing my cheek gently. He was smiling, trying to comfort me. "I thought I had asked you not to distress if something happened to me. Remember?"
I opened my eyes to find myself alone again, with the emptiness killing me. I looked around, scanning the room with tears in my eyes.
"I can't. I'm sorry." I buried my face between my knees. "I can't. I can't!"
I pressed my hands to my face, trying to stop crying.
I spotted the backpack I carried as we traveled, stood up, rummaged through it, and found the necklace Rosy had given me long ago on my birthday. How could I have been so happy those days and hadn't fully appreciated it?
I clutched the cat charm necklace in my hand and sat back on the floor, crying bitterly. I was pathetic. I just wanted my Sirius back, his intense eyes, his beautiful smile, his warmth at night, his caresses at dawn. I didn't accept what had happened.
What if he was still alive? Was there that possibility? Maybe the elders had forgiven him... but then why didn't he see a way to let me know? Perhaps he couldn't come back.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, exhaled through my mouth, and repeated the procedure.
I struggled to my feet, motivated by my twisted thought of going to break everything in revenge. I put the necklace around my neck and wiped my tears. I looked in the mirror and was horrified.
That was not me. She was disheveled, with a red nose and cheeks, horribly puffy eyes, skinny, in a white robe from beyond the grave. I had not even noticed that I was barefoot. Crazy, completely crazy.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and got out of there.