A/n (extra) TW for this chapter <3
Chapter 52 | A bad place
Isabella:
Sometime next week it would have been exactly 9 months free of restricting.
Key word: it would have.
Since that day at Lucas' house I had spiralled back down a dark path. I'm not entirely sure what the reason was for my relapse because it was something other than my typical triggers. This time it had nothing to do with my appearance or my weight.
I think it was the uncertainty of the entire situation. Just thinking about how much I had suffered just because I had assumed something that turned out to be incorrect.
I was mad at myself for making those assumptions but I was also mad at Lucas for leading me to have those assumptions.
I had no idea if he was telling the truth about how he had liked me when we were children because all those remarks he had made proved other wise and at the end of the day it didn't even matter if he liked me or not - the things he said hurt me just as bad regardless.
Lucas was right on one thing however, being outside in the freezing temperatures had caused me to catch a cold.
But this just made it easier for me to restrict. I just blamed my sickness for my lack of appetite. I had the chance to fall asleep before dinner to escape eating and wake up late to avoid eating breakfast too.
I had no idea how many days had passed since that day. It could have been a week or two or even just mere days. Everyday just blurred together. All that was on my mind was not eating.
Mia and Grace came to visit everyday and Aidan and Dylan had even turned up one time to drop of soup and hot cocoa.
No one had mentioned Lucas or his whereabouts and I hadn't seen him since. One afternoon however, I had woken up from a nap to find Mr Bellucas on the floor by my mirror. He had chucked it from his window into mine and since then I had kept my curtains and windows permanently shut.
Mia and Grace had instantly realised that appetite wasn't gone because of my cold, I couldn't fool them, and they constantly urged and encouraged me to eat. Sometimes I gave in to their glum faces and persistence and pity. But the moment they were gone, I would purge again and again. Again, I could just blame it on the cold; I just had a 'stomach bug'.
I kept on lying to my mom and grandmother although they weren't really much around to notice. Mom was busy with work, it had been hectic since Christmas was nearing and abuela had been busy visiting her friend who had taken a nasty fall a few days ago, so they were both preoccupied to actually realise what was going on.
All the soup abuela made to help me recover got thrown down the sink in the bathroom. The only thing I was intaking was coffee: black with no milk or creamer to give me some sort of energy to function and paracetamol to help get rid of my temperature but having medicine on an empty stomach was not a good idea - my stomach had been cramping like crazy.
My father was due to arrive soon for Christmas. I'm not sure how I would hide it from him. He would have nothing to do all day and I don't know how I would manage to hide not eating from him.
For once I was hoping his workaholic urges would take over so that he would just be working on his laptop the whole time he was here and not pay attention to me at all. But that was kind of selfish seeing as if that did happen, then Sofia wouldn't be getting any attention either.
In my free time I re read the my diaries countless times. It put my mind a little to ease when I realised Lucas had taken the last dairy of the stack. The one where I hadn't written much about how I disliked my appearance and the one where there was only a few entries.
A small part of me however, wished it hadn't been that one. I wished he had read the others where the pages were tear stained and where I had written how much I was hurting from whatever insult Lucas had thrown me that day; I wanted him to be aware of how much I had hurt.
It even made me consider telling him everything. I wanted him to feel guilty for what he caused; I wanted the guilt to eat away at him. Was that horrid or cynical of me?
However, just seeing as how he genuinely believed I was over reacting over everything that day made me realise that he probably wouldn't even care how much hurt he had inflicted upon me. But then again maybe I should stop making assumptions - we all know where that took me last time don't we?
Anyways, I continued to re read all the entries, putting everything he had said to me to memory.
I genuinely can't believe there was a time where I had believed that what he had said wasn't as bad as I made it out to be...because re reading everything I had written made me realise everything was worse than anything I had remembered prior to finding the diaries.
Another few habits I had fallen back into was impulsive cleaning and impulsive re decorating. Although I went through my days having barely enough energy to leave my bed and continually felt fatigued and exhausted - I was non stop cleaning my room.
It was a way to get out of my head - out of my thoughts. It had been a coping mechanism of mine about two years ago to distract me from the hunger and it worked well and seemed to be working well again.
So far I had changed the position of my bed, desk and my beside table and had changed my bed covers already 6 times, hoovered at least once everyday and wiped down every possible surface I could find.
I moved Harry so he stood more comfortably near my dresser and had even decorated him with fairy lights to adhere to the Christmas theme. I had ordered led lights and some of those fake vine leaf things from amazon and a couple more miscellaneous items to place on my shelves in my room.
As I'm cleaning out the inside of my desk drawer and organising my socks by colour, Mia and Grace make their visit for the day.
"Alright that is enough!" Mia exclaims, dropping down her bag on my bed with more force than needed, making my entire bed shake. "I know you're hurting baby because he-shall-not-be-named is an ass, but we need to get you out of this room, you've been stuck here for the past week and you need a change of environment to clear your head."
As Mia is saying this, Grace walks over to me and places the back of her hand against my forehead to check my temperature. "You don't feel hot any more and you don't have any more sniffles so I think it's safe to leave the house."
"It's ok, I'm kind of busy here," I say, motioning to my sock organisation.
"Bella please," Mia pleads.
I shake my head. "No guys please, I just want to stay-"
"Bella please I hate seeing you like this!"
I stiffen immediately, Mia's distressed tone catching me off guard. I halt my sock organising for a second.
"Mia!" Grace scolds, narrowing her eyes. "Stop it!"
"I'm sorry," she responds more quietly now, sitting down on the edge of my bed, her eyes down casting to the carpeted floor of my bedroom. "I'm just so worried, I've never seen you like this." When she looks up her eyes are glassy with unshed tears and the knot in my stomach only gets bigger.
My face softens and I shuffle over to her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. "It's okay Mi, I'm fine."
"No you're not!" Mia cries. "You look so...empty and I hate it, I hate that we can't do anything the fix it, I don't want you to feel this way!" She sniffles loudly before letting out a shaky breath. "And the fact you went through this all on your own for three years..." she trails off, her voice wavering at the end. "I just hate it, I just want to help you get better. And now I'm being stupid and you're comforting me when it should be the other way round!"
I rub her shoulder comfortingly. "It's okay, it's okay," I say soothingly. "I'm okay I promise."
My heart clenches seeing Mia worry like this and I hate myself even more for making the two of them put up with me when they shouldn't have to.
I look up to see Grace chewing on the inside of her cheek with a solemn expression on her face. I extend my arm out, a signal for her to join our embrace and she promptly rushes over to us, wrapping her arms around Mia and I.
"You'll get through this, I know you will," she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "You did it before and you'll do it again."
I simply nod, biting down on my trembling lip before Mia isn't the only one that's crying.
***
"Thanks for making me come out," I tell the girls as we're walking side by side on the sidewalk towards the park. "The fresh air is nice."
"I told you it would be good for you," Mia says, looping her arm through mine.
I had given into the girls' protests and had agreed on going outside for a few minuets, we were making our way over to the local park which was only a few minuets away by walking distance.
The weather forcast had been right, the snow had drastically increased during the beginning of the week but it had been a few days since the weather was at the peak of its intensity. Since then it had stopped snowing for a while. The snow on the roads, or what was left of the snow, was a disgusting brown colour now and most of the snow had melted. The clear roads wouldn't last long however, it was scheduled to start snowing heavily again within the next few days, right before Christmas.
I was wrapped up in a hoodie and my warm puffer jacker, cosy sweatpants on my legs and boots on my feet, I had a beanie on my head and a scarf wrapped around my neck keeping me warm - I looked ridiculous but I was too cold and tired to care.
We walk through the tall black gates of the park, strolling down the gravelled pathway and towards the children's play area. Seeing as how it was freezing outside, it's no surprise that the children's playground is empty. The small gate creaks as Mia pushes it open, running into the secluded area and rushing up the slide.
Grace and I on the other hand head towards the swings.
I find myself thoroughly enjoying my time playing in the park, it had been way to long since I had been to one.
Every time I go up on the swings, I'm met with a gust of cool air hitting my face, I find that it's actually quite a nice activity to clear my head and I find myself smiling for the first time in days.
"Oh my God this so fun!" Grace shrieks, flying dangerously high in the air, I let out a small laugh as the entire swing creaks the more faster Grace goes.
"Hey why can't I go that high!" I pout, trying to push myself to reach the same point that Grace is hitting.
She merely sticks her tongue out at me as she descends down. I narrow my eyes at her.
"Mia come help me!" I yell and my friend pops her head up from the top of the slide. She slides down and promptly rushes over to us, just about not getting kicked in my face by Grace's long legs.
As Mia pulls me back and lets go, my stomach loops as I fly high into the air and I let out a little scream. I manage to reach the same level as Grace and the two of us continue to swing, shrieking with delight.
This goes on for a while until I suddenly stop feeling Mia's push every time I descend.
I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, swivelling my head as the swing descends and slowly comes to a halt.
Huh where did she disappear to?
Grace's swing slowly slows down beside me.
"Where's Mia?" I ask her before letting out a groan. "Don't tell me she's run off again after another dog! I swear we need to put her on a leash sometimes, there are some creeps in this park!"
"For real," Grace mutters, shaking her head, before scanning her eyes across the park surroundings.
With the sun slowly setting it's getting increasingly hard to see but after a few more seconds of looking, Grace perks up.
"Hey look it's Sammy!" She announces, pointing in the direction of the main gate and I follow her finger to see Sammy's tall frame come into view - standing beside a smiling Mia.
Ah, that's where she ran off to.
"Thank God she didn't get kidnapped by a pedo," I grumble, squinting my eyes when I suddenly notice a third person standing beside them.
Recognition suddenly floods through me as I notice their fluffy brown hair and tall figure. "Is that Leo?"
Grace narrows her eyes to take a closer look. "Yeah, it is," she answers after a few seconds of looking before jumping up from her swing, the chains rattling at she does so. "Come, lets say hello!"
Before I can protest, she grabs my hand and hauls me away from the swings. I tug her arm to slow down a bit, feeling a little light headed from how fast we're moving.
"Hi guys!" Grace greets, grinning widely as we approach the three, causing them to snap their heads in our direction. I lift my glove clad hand and wave.
Leo's face lights up the moment he see's me and he pushes the gate open, saying hi to Grace before strolling towards me where I'm standing beside her.
Grace greet Leo back quickly before rushing off towards Sammy and Mia, leaving me alone with him. She looks back and throws me a dramatic wink and I fight the urge to roll my eyes.
"Isabella!" Leo cheers, throwing me one of his dazzling smiles as I look back at him, his eyes crinkling at the corners. His grin is contagious and I find myself smiling too as he pulls me into a hug.
"No handshake this time?" I raise an eyebrow as he pulls away shortly after. Referencing to our first greeting in the diner.
His cheeks tinge pink. "Nah, I went for something a little less dorky this time." He pauses for a second to rake his eyes up and down my body and I suddenly remember that I'm wearing 300 layers and probably resemble a marshmallow but my outfit only causes his smile to broaden. "You look so cosy and cute," he tells me. "I love your beanie."
I feel my cheeks redden. "Thanks so do you." He's wearing black sweatpants and a khaki green hoodie with the hood up on his fluffy brown locks and a black jacket. He looks pretty, even dressed in such casual clothes.
I clear my throat after I've stopped ogling. "So what are you doing here?" I glance back up to meet his gaze.
"I got bored of listening to nana talk about her knee problems so Sammy and I came to play soccer." Leo nods his head towards the ball that Sammy is juggling in his hands as he talks to Grace and Mia. "Yeah, I had to get out of the house before she would start talking about her chronic back pain. I don't think I would be able to say awake for that."
I giggle. "Don't worry only a few more days of you listening to your nana babbling about her...body problems."
He pokes his tongue in the inside of his cheek, to prevent yet another smile from breaking out. "Yep, just until the 26th."
Suddenly the corner of his lips dip into a frown.
"You know I'm sad we never got to hang out much," he says, and I nod my head, shuffling from foot to foot, trying to stop the dizziness that has suddenly emerged in my head.
"Yeah me too."
He pauses for a beat, all of a sudden looking quite nervous. "I'm gonna be down for sprink break, how about if we, uh, hang out then sometime," he asks to my surprise.
On seeing my reluctance, his eyes widen. "Ah not for...that, I just like your presense, I'd like to hang out...as friends."
At his clarification I nod my head again, smiling. "Yeah sure, I'd like that." I stuff my hands in the pockets of my jacket as we grin at each other.
"Cool, cool, cool," he babbles and I laugh again at his dorkiness.
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AUTHORS NOTE:
GUYS! BIG NEWS! I GOT MY FIRST HATE DM!! ahh I think that means I've made it 😆 you should've seen the way I died laughing when I read the message, it was so fuckin funny, I sent it to ilikebigveinydicks and we both criedsjdkakkskc