It's always the moments like this that seem to move in slow motion. Joe, watching her come down the stairs and knowing that something wasn't right. He could tell. Other times she'd walked off the stage looking alive, and excited. This time, she looked frozen, overwhelmed and shaky. He watched her as she fell. Feeling like he was wading through knee deep mud to get to her. The rest of the world didn't exist in this moment. It was just him, and Taylor. Joe got to her first. Her body, on the ground. He couldn't believe it - he'd known that something hadn't been right. He'd known all day that she wasn't okay. Why didn't he stop her? He cursed to himself, and Andrea was getting the attention of the medic, while also phoning an ambulance.
"Taylor," Joe tried and tried to get her to wake up, tried to get her to open her eyes again, but she wasn't waking up. He pulled her into his arms. She was so cold, so wet. She was still breathing, he could feel it against his chest.
"Joe," he heard someone calling his name, and managed to pull his eyes from Taylor for long enough to see that it was Andrea. "We have to get her warm. Patrick - would you run back to the dressing room and grab towels or blankets or anything." Patrick nodded, running through the place.
Joe couldn't believe this. He should've stopped her from doing this. He shouldn't have let her go out when she was feeling so tired. Taylor is never good at putting herself first, and he knew that well. He should've been reminding her how important it was. She hadn't been eating, drinking or sleeping properly... he should've been better. He should've been better.
Patrick came back with blankets and Taylor's robe. The ambulance had to get here soon - the medic or anyone. They had to get here soon, had to help her.
"How far away are they?" Joe asked desperately, getting more and more worried. She hadn't woken up yet. Why hadn't she woken up? How could he let her get to this point? He was supposed to stop her before it ever got to this point - fuck, there was never supposed to be a 'this point'.
This was never supposed to happen. He'd known Taylor hadn't been telling him the truth about how she was feeling. He knew she'd been worse than she was letting on. Why hadn't he done something sooner?
"They're pulling up outside," Andrea explained. "You go in with her, Joe. We'll meet you at the hospital, alright?"
"Are you sure?" Joe asked, he felt so bad. This whole thing was his fault - he hadn't stepped in, he should've been better. Fuck, he hated himself right now. "I can g-"
"No, she'll want you to be with her first," her mom answered as Joe saw the ambulance officers coming in with a stretcher.
"What happened?" One of them asked. Joe was relieved that neither of them seemed to even notice or care that right now they were looking down at Taylor Swift.
Joe explained the situation- leaving out the fact that she was pregnant. He'd tell them when they were in the ambulance. Right now there were too many ears to hear.
He held her hand in the ambulance.
"She's pregnant," Joe told the woman who was sitting beside him. "She was told not to continue the tour, but she insisted on it. She's not been eating, or sleeping or drinking much - and she's recovering from an eating disorder..." Joe wanted to fall apart. He couldn't believe that she was here, in an ambulance. "Do you think she's going to be okay?"
"When we get to the hospital," the woman said softly, "they're going to do everything they can to look after her."
Joe just wanted to take Taylor home, to wrap her up in a blanket and hold her forever.
He couldn't stop feeling like all of this was his fault - and he didn't want to feel like that, he really didn't.
He hated hospitals. He hated the fact that Taylor was here, that she was lying in a hospital bed, her hair still damp. He hated everything about it. He didn't let go of her hand. He sat beside her, waiting for her to wake up.
They'd been in the hospital for an hour. Her security were standing outside. He was beyond worried about her in a way that she had never, ever been about anything before. It was the type of worry that you felt deep in your chest, the type of worry that threatened to suffocate you. Taylor was being given water through a drip.
Andrea, Scott and sat on the other side of her, Patrick had left to go and get Taylor her clothes for when she woke up.
Taylor's eyelids felt heavy. Her whole body felt heavy. She was exhausted. She couldn't believe what had happened, what she'd done to herself. What she might have done to the baby - she'd never forgive herself if something had happened. Never forgive herself if she'd pushed herself too far. She would never, ever forgive herself if she was the reason she lost the baby. It would crush her more than anything in her entire life ever had before. Not even when Kanye interrupted her speech in 2009, or when she'd discovered that her music was going to be sold to someone that wasn't her, or when she found out that her best friend had been telling Scooter private information about her personal life. None of that would even compare to the pain she'd feel if she'd fucked this up. Slowly, reality found its way back to her. She opened her eyes, felt Joe's hand on hers, heard muttering in the room she was in. All she wanted right now was to be home, with Joe. Miles away from the tour, miles away from all of this. She'd give anything to do it all over again, to cancel the tour from day one. She could've made it up to the fans in a couple of years.
"At least she's okay," she heard her mom say as her eyes opened. Joe had started saying something but stopped when he realised that Taylor was waking up.
She opened her eyes slowly, the room was much too bright.
"Is..." she started talking, her voice croaking. "Is the... is the baby okay?" It already felt as if her heart was cracking before Joe even answered her.
"We don't know yet." Joe said as he kissed her forehead. "The doctor is coming to see us soon. They're just doing a few tests." Joe was strangely calm. Taylor wasn't calm, and she felt like the fact that they had to run tests was a bad sign. She'd done this. It was all her fault. She started crying, and Joe leaned in close to her.
"I'm sorry." She told him. "This is all my fault. I shouldn't have performed... I'm sorry that I've done this." She sobbed. She faintly recognised that her parents and Patrick leaving, and was relieved when it was just her and Joe. She cried into her pillow. "I will never forgive myself if something happens, Joe. I should've stopped - I should've told you how bad I really-"
"Taylor," Joe whispered, kissing her and brushing her hair out of her face. "My biggest concern is making sure that you are okay." He paused, squeezing her hand. "You can't control what happens."
"But I could! I could have stopped, Joe. I knew the entire day that I felt awful. I knew that it was worse than before. I knew when I was standing in the dressing room trying to stop the room from spinning that I shouldn't go on that stage. But I fucking did it anyway. That was my choice." Taylor sobbed. She covered her face with her hands. She wanted it all to go away - she wanted it to fade into nothing. This kind of pain was something she'd never faced before - and she was certain that she never wanted to face it ever again. It would be her fault.
Joe pulled her hands away from her face, but she didn't want to look at him. He'd only been trying to help her this entire time, making sure that she wasn't over working herself and this is how she repaid him for that? She'd never fucking hated herself as much as she did in this moment.
"Ah, Miss Swift," A voice said to her as she was about to sob harder. "It's good to see that you're awake, I'm Doctor Carter." The woman had a smile on her face.
Taylor pulled herself together, unable to stop her chin from wobbling. If she'd lost the baby, she was going to be a bomb, ready to explode. Her broken pieces would shatter around her.
Taylor couldn't bring herself to ask the question which would haunt her until the day she died.
"Your baby is okay, Miss Swift," the woman said as she stood beside her. "We had to run a few tests as it was not easy to find a heartbeat because your vitals were all so low. But everything is looking fine. Our concern isn't the baby, now that we know that it is alright. Our concern is now you." The doctor told her. She paused, and Taylor knew what was coming. "You are extremely dehydrated, which is why we've put you on the drip, and from what we gather, you haven't been eating properly recently. These factors will have contributed to what happened this evening, along with the fact that you are clearly exhausted. I read that the doctor you last visited recommended that you cancel the tour?"
Taylor closed her eyes. Her baby was okay. The baby was okay. This made her cry harder. Joe was still holding her hand, still stroking it gently.
"Yes, that's what we were told," Joe answered for her. She was relieved that she didn't have to speak. Her baby was okay. Nothing else mattered as much as that.
"I'm afraid to tell you, that you are going to have to cancel the tour," the doctor told her. "Unless you can assure me that you will eat, drink and sleep properly every single night... but I think that you would be putting both yourself and your child at risk, Miss Swift, if you put yourself through this stress again." Taylor closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She had already known, from the second she felt the room spin, that this would be the end of the Lover tour. "It's going to be important that you put yourself and your baby first."
Taylor nodded. She knew this. She was upset, but nothing was more important than the fact that her baby was okay.
By the time they were able to leave, it was nearly five o'clock in the morning. Taylor hadn't been able to sleep, and she knew that Joe hadn't either. Her mom had come in and replaced Joe for about half an hour so that he could get something to eat.
"Mom," Taylor sat up, feeling slightly better, but still exhausted. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" Her mom asked her.
"I could've lost the baby." Taylor whispered as she bit her lip to stop herself from crying again. "It was all my fault-"
"Taylor, you can't focus on that. Your baby is okay. That's all that matters. You're cancelling the tour." Her mom said softly. "You have to let this go, and move on."
She'd never forgive herself for this. Never.
Taylor was in the bathroom getting changed into some normal clothes when Joe came back. He was exhausted. He'd been so worried about Taylor, so worried about everything that was going on that he felt drained. He would never let Taylor know this, because he knew that he had to support her. He couldn't crumble while she was.
"Are you alright in there?" He asked when he heard Taylor groan.
"No," he heard her mutter.
"Can I come in?" He asked her, and she replied that he could. "What's wrong?" He asked as he slipped through the door.
She had tears running down her cheeks, and she was struggling to do up the clasp of her bra. "It won't work!"
"Here," Joe said, helping her. "Let me do it."
"My fingers aren't working properly," Taylor cried. "They won't stop shaking and I can't believe what a fucking horrible person I am!"
Joe turned her around to face him, helping her to put on her sweatshirt. "My love," Joe told her as he cupped her cheeks, wiping away her tears. "Remember what we talk about?"
"I am not going to be kind to myself when I-" she started, but Joe held a finger to her lips.
"Shhh..." he leaned in and kissed her temple. "You need to be kind to yourself. I know that you think that you don't deserve to be kind to yourself, but it's when you don't believe you deserve it, that you need to most, okay?" He kissed her temple. "You need to cut yourself some slack, Taylor."
"No." She wouldn't look at him. "I should've cancelled the tour at the beginning."
Joe sighed. "Taylor, look at me."
She finally did, and he kissed her lips. "Stop treating yourself like this." He told her firmly. "You need to forgive yourself," he murmured, kissing her again. "No one else is thinking about this the way that you are, no one is angry, or frustrated or disappointed in you."
Taylor took a shaky breath. "That's because it wasn't their decision that almost made me lose the baby..." Taylor whispered so quietly that Joe almost couldn't hear her. "They didn't decide that I would get up on that stage even though the world was spinning, and barely had any food or water. They didn't decide to continue the tour even though they knew how much work it was." Joe could sense her frustration the further she got. "That wasn't anyone else, Joe. That wasn't you, or mom, or dad, or Patrick. That was all me." She spoke with such disgust towards herself that Joe felt tears prick in his eyes. "All of those fucking stupid choices were mine. Not yours. I did that. I was the one that-"
"Taylor, you need to snap out of this, okay? I know that you're mad and disappointed with yourself. I know that," Joe said as he held her cheeks again. "You can't let yourself get back into that headspace. You know what happens when you do, and we don't need that right now, alright? Our baby is alright," Joe whispered as he rested a hand on her stomach. "That's what you have to focus on. The fact that you're okay, that our baby is okay too. That we can go home for the first time in three months, and you can start to unwind from this." She was finally starting to listen. "You can't get back into that dark place, Taylor. I won't let you go there. You need to forgive yourself and we'll move on from this." He kissed her again, and finally she was calming down. There were still tears in her eyes, but she wasn't hysterical anymore. She nodded, wiping away her tears. "I'm sorry," she murmured as he pulled her into his chest.
"You don't need to apologise, love." He kissed her damp hair. "Alright. Are you ready to leave? We're going home."
Taylor didn't want to leave his arms. She pulled away, nodding. "Okay," she told him as she wiped away her tears. He took her hand and they walked back into the room again.
"There's a few cameras outside, from what we're aware of," one of her security told her. "We've got a car waiting outside, if you felt comfortable with the umbrellas, or we could see if we could get a helicopter to come and take you to the airport." Taylor just wanted to get home as soon as possible, and didn't want to be waiting around for a helicopter.
"Let's just use the umbrellas." She knew that she'd have to make up an excuse as to why she'd been spotted in a hospital, as to why she'd been in there so long.
Andrea and Scott sat on one side of the plane, while Taylor, Joe and Patrick sat on the other. Luckily she had a two day break until the next concert, where she could organise with Tree the best way to break the news to the fans... and that gave her and Joe enough time to come up with a reason why.
They were going back to Rhode Island, where her parents and Patrick would stay a while.
Taylor was sitting with her hand in Joe's, and she'd finally found sleep. It wasn't until Joe had carefully woken her up, that she opened her eyes. She'd been asleep for pretty much the entire time, and already felt better.
"Time to go under the umbrella again," she murmured sleepily to Joe. He just smiled, and kissed her.
"I love you," he told her.
"I love you too," Taylor smiled. She was too exhausted to ask him why he loved her when she'd done this. She hadn't felt the darkness in so long, but now she felt like it was invading again.
They arrived home and Joe helped Taylor into her pyjamas. She was so tired.
"Joe," she said into his chest as she was falling asleep. "I think the darkness is coming back," she said through a shaking voice.
There was silence for a moment, and Taylor wondered if he'd fallen asleep.
"You don't have to listen to it, Taylor. There's nothing that you need to feel like that about. Everything's okay. We're still here, me and you, in the daylight," he said as he kissed her hair. "We're still here, the golden string is still tying us together. It's not going away."
She was half asleep when he told her that he loved her to the Moon and to Saturn, and she felt herself finally, for the first time in months, relax.