Miles's POV
For the hundredth fucking time this week, I've fucked up and for the hundredth and tenth fucking time this week, I'm sitting by the same damn window at midnight with a bottle in my hands, and however fucked up it is, it's the only thing that feels like home.
If there was a way to un-fuck myself, I would but now that I'm in the deepest fucking pile of shit ever, I can't get out, and maybe this time—I can't un-fuck anything.
I take a deep breath as I stare out the fucking window with those same god damn snowflakes flying around everywhere.
As a child, my birthday was something special, but now, as I watch the date on my phone, I'd much rather skip anything related to a birthday celebration.
The only reason I even celebrated, was to hopefully see her.
"Fuck!" I yell, hoping it wasn't loud enough for Valentina to hear, and walk upstairs to see what the sound was. But then I remember that I'm all alone in this damn house. Valentina finally got the break my mom owed her for the last eight years and it just happened to be during the middle of my fuck-ups.
As I take another sip of my whiskey I feel something sting itself into my thigh.
"What the fuck?" I breathe as I slowly pull something out of my left pocket, the one I now wish Madison would have felt instead. Instead of that fucked up book, she would have seen the necklace I got her.
Seeing her carry around that necklace from Jack, made me think about giving her one from me.
I play with the necklace, letting the small pearl run across my fingers as I watch the innocent little thing.
The innocence of this pearl reminds me of her—of Madison. I take a deep breath before sipping more of the scotch in my hands.
I wrap the necklace around my hand as I look at it more closely. It was supposed to match mine which almost makes me laugh.
"I'm fucking pathetic." I breathe as I watch out the window with my own necklace pulled out from my chest.
At first, I thought the blonde at the mall was stupid, telling me that a small cross necklace and a pearl were somehow to be matching necklaces and after explaining some bullshit story that I didn't bother listening to, I bought the damn pair.
It was supposed to be a Christmas gift but that was before I completely messed up. As I stare at the small silver chain and small pearl at the very bottom, I realize just how much I messed everything up.
She was so close to being mine and yet, I let her slip right through my hands like water, it was almost like the world wanted me to fuck up.
And driving home only affirmed that. It was as if all the red lights I got on the way reminded me and taunted me.
Even they knew I fucked up, they knew I couldn't last with something as precious as her.
Someone like me can't have someone like her.
Madison's POV
How could he have done this? Been so cruel?
I breathe into the air above me, trying to calm my nerves but I only end up bursting into tears. I hold tightly onto my pillow as I lay on the bare bed.
As I look at the ceiling my mind can't seem to calm down like it used to do before.
Instead of being able to clear my head and calm my emotions with the flawless ceiling above, now, I'm faced with even more emotions and heartbreak, and looking at the ceiling only intensifies each feeling.
The butterflies in my stomach roam around and I find myself not being able to move. I want to take a shower or run away but the butterflies keep me still.
It's almost as though I can't move—I can't escape. My head runs Miles's words over and over again. He stood up and said 'keep it' before he left through the door.
I asked him to leave a few times but deep down, I wanted him to fight to stay, I wanted him to be next to me even with the hurt he caused.
As I feel the warm tears drip down my cheeks my fingers flip through the pages again and this time I look at what he wrote under my name.
'Sex: Exactly three times.'
I gulp and I close the book again only to open it up again in anger. I turn to the first page, seeing the number at the bottom 'one' it reads and I gulp.
"How could you, Miles?" I breathe as I read
'Sex: once. I couldn't do it any more than I had to, the girl was hideous. Brown eyes, brown hair.'
The tears fall as I skim through the pages one after another, I still haven't read mine fully, and I don't think I want to. I turn to page three and read again,
'Sex: five times. She was good at it, but it wasn't worth the time. She was Jacob's first girl and I'm a little jealous of that son of a bitch, considering I got a hideous beast. Brown eyes and ridiculous bleached blonde hair.'
I bite my lip and the tears flow even more. I want to give Miles a second chance, even with this, but the more I read.
The more Jacob's words remind me that I'm not finally seeing who the 'real' Miles is. I flip over to page thirty-one.
'Sex: eight times. Amazing in bed. Blonde hair and blue eyes, the best combination.'
I feel sick as I read through the pages and yet I can't stop my fingers from flipping to the last page 'one-hundred.'
'Sex: three times but I need more—I need her. For the first time, I need a girl. The first time was at a cabin. I only write that because it's unusual from my silk sheets. Something about her made everything in me stop. I saw her in Chrissy's dorm for the first time and I couldn't stop thinking about this girl. And screw the blue eyes blonde hair combination, this girl . . . her light-hazel eyes and dark brown hair, have got me and I won't escape this taste. Am I going crazy?'
My tears stop for the first time and my heart almost skips a beat. I want to cry, get angry but I also want to forgive Miles.
My fingers graze the page and something in the corner of the page seems to be unsticking.
"Another page?" I whisper to myself, through the tears.
My fingers open the page up and I see glue residue.
'What the fuck am I doing? I feel like I've lost my fucking mind, gone insane maybe? After the first time with Madison, I couldn't handle it, it was like my body went through something I had never experienced before with anyone else. I felt like a fucking virgin, but this was better . . . it was love . . . maybe?'