She felt awful on the plane. She just felt awful in general, but she didn't want to let everyone know how bad she actually felt.
Joe was sitting beside her, his hand softly stroking her arm as she tried to sleep. She couldn't. The lights were too bright, and she couldn't turn her mind off. She was going to have a baby. She was going to be a Mom. She was going to start a family with Joe. It was impossible to sleep. How could she? There was too much to think about, too much to do. There was just no way she could sleep, even though she wanted to.
"I give up." She murmured to Joe, as she tied up her hair. "I can't sleep."
Joe smiled, leaning over and kissing her. "That's okay. We'll be there soon."
She couldn't wait to be back on the ground again and in a hotel.
She got to the hotel and climbed onto the bed. "Everything is so bright today." Joe turned off the main lights, and then turned on the lamp beside the bed.
"Is that better?" He asked her, and she nodded sleepily. She missed her own bed, and her own home. He kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes, and moved to take off her shoes.
She looked exhausted, Joe thought. It was ten o'clock at night, and Taylor was already sound asleep. He left her shoes at the end of the bed, before pulling a blanket up and over her. Olivia was about to jump on her, when Joe managed to pick her up.
"Don't you dare wake your mom up." He said, putting her back on the floor. He texted Patrick and asked him if he was busy, and when he replied he wasn't, Joe slipped next door into his hotel room.
Patrick was lying on the bed, phone in hand. "Congratulations." He told Joe as Joe sat on the bed opposite him. "Are you going to let Taylor do the tour?"
"Yes," Joe sighed. "If she wants to do it, I'm not going to stop her."
"That's good. I was going to have to give you some firm words if you were going to keep protesting it."
"Pat." Joe paused, eyeing him up. "You know that it wasn't like that. I just know that she puts everything she has into each performance and I don't want her to burn out. I'm just looking out for her. She went through so much," Joe sighed, and was saddened even just thinking about it. "I just... want her to be happy. That's all I want."
"I can see that," Patrick answered as he smiled. "I can see that you just want to protect her - from everything. But that's putting so much pressure on yourself-"
"I don't like where this conversation is going." Joe cut him off. Her rest his head in his hands. "It's been such a big day. Perhaps I need to go to bed too."
"You do look tired," Patrick observed. "It's been a big day for you too, you know. You're probably just as tired as she is."
Joe nodded, before departing and heading to bed.
-
Taylor was not ready for the concert tonight. She felt awful, and was lying in bed feeling as if she'd run headfirst into a wall. She'd already vomited twice - she'd only been awake for half an hour. How on earth was she going to be able to keep this a secret? Joe was still asleep beside her as she crept into the bathroom. She needed a shower. She needed something to make herself feel better. She put on the shower, taking her pyjamas off. She studied herself in the mirror, her hands on her stomach. She was going to have a baby. She couldn't believe it - the fear that she'd felt a couple of days ago had subsided slightly. She'd manage both. She could be pregnant and she could keep doing the tour as long as it wasn't too visible. Because she really didn't want the public to find out about it. Not now. She'd kept things private in the past, and she was prepared to do that now. She'd talked with Joe yesterday about this, and he'd felt the exact same way. Neither of them wanted the entire world to know. It would be their little secret until they felt ready to share it. She'd been smuggled from place to place in a box before - she'd do it again.
She just made it to the toilet before she was sick again. It was a constant battle with her eating disorder at the moment - because food made her feel sick, and the temptation to go without was high. She'd taken an hour and a half to eat dinner last night, because the smell of the peas had made her feel nauseous.
Joe was at her side, holding her hair back and stroking her shoulder.
She still didn't know how she was going to get up and perform. What would she do if she felt sick? What would she do then? Run dramatically off of the stage?
She sat on the floor for a minute, closing her eyes. Joe's touch was warm, and she smiled when she saw his scruffy hair.
"You should have your hair like that more often." She stood up, ignoring the dizziness that she felt. Joe didn't miss it though, and managed to keep her from stumbling. "Are you alright?" He asked her as he clutched onto her arms.
Taylor nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
She leaned in and hugged him. "I'm really sure. I just need to eat something."
"Well... you have your shower and I'll find something." He helped her into the shower.
"Please make sure that it doesn't have a smell," Taylor smiled, feeling her body relax in the warm water.
Joe chuckled. "I'll do my best, okay? I'll see you soon. I love you," He blew her a kiss. They'd had to do a lot of that the last couple of days - Taylor refused to kiss him until she'd cleaned her teeth.
She blew him a kiss in return, telling him that she loved him.
The shower was so nice on her skin, it felt so clean. Taylor felt better once she'd washed herself, her hair and her face. Maybe she'd be okay, tonight. They called it morning sickness... surely it would disappear by the time she had to walk up and onto that stage with a smile. If not... then she'd have to cross that bridge when she got to it.
She didn't feel better throughout the day, and she got more and more stressed. Particularly when they had to leave the comfort of the hotel room, when she was in the car and on the way to the stadium.
"It's going to be fine," Joe rested a hand on her thigh. "You're going to do great, okay?"
She wished that she could believe him - but she was seriously doubting her ability to go on the stage and perform. She didn't have a choice - it was too late to cancel it now. She had to go out there and do it. She'd just have to push it all down. She'd have to pretend that she was fine. She could do this. It was three hours of pretending, and then she could go back to the hotel - and prepare to do it all again tomorrow. The more she thought about it the worse she felt. The more pressure she put on herself, the more she started to feel like she actually couldn't do this. Perhaps she'd been wrong - perhaps she should actually not be doing this.
"Taylor," Joe's voice found her through the darkness in her mind.
"Yes?" She managed to reply.
"You're going to be okay. But you need to calm down - you're only going to make yourself feel worse." She smiled when he'd accidentally said her song lyric. He was right. She took a big breath. She could do this. She really could. "I know that you can go out there and do this. And if it really doesn't work out tonight, then we'll say that you got food poisoning or something and we could cancel tomorrow's concert."
She was about to argue that there was no way she was canceling tomorrow's concert, but decided that she actually didn't want to argue with him about that. She knew what he'd say, and she knew that she couldn't be bothered holding up her side.
Her parents were already there when she got there, and she was grateful to be in the dressing room. She didn't have to pretend, here.
She was alright for a while, until she saw that there was literally an hour until she was supposed to be going on. Then, she felt her lunch come back up and she had to rush to the toilet.
Joe followed her, doing what he'd done every other time, and held her. She sat on the bathroom floor, her knees up to her chest.
"I don't think I can do this, Joe." She really didn't. And it was made worse due to the fact that she knew she had to do this. "What am I going to do?" Joe cupped her cheek as a tear escaped her eye.
"Taylor, I know you. You can do this, my love. I know that you can. And I also know that when you get on that stage, you're going to feel better." He kissed her forehead. "You can do this, love. I know you can."
She sighed. She hoped that he was right.
It was five minutes until she was supposed to be going on the stage, and she was wiping tears away from her cheeks. She'd asked Joe to stay with her until she went out there, and she had one arm wrapped around him, and the other wrapped around her mom.
"Will you guys be here when I'm finished? I won't have to come looking for you?" She asked anxiously.
"As soon as those lights go off, we'll be here, honey." Her mom promised.
"We'll be standing right here." Joe kissed her forehead. "It's going to be okay."
She hadn't vomited in the last hour - her mom had given her an anti-nausea pill that seemed to have helped a little. She still felt sick, but it was bearable.
Her stage manager told her that there were two minutes, and she took a deep breath, stepping away from her Mom and Joe.
"I'll see you afterwards?"
"We'll be right here." Joe told her as she fixed her hair, wiped away any stray tears and made sure her microphone was turned on. "You can do this."
She took a deep breath. "I love you."
"I love you too," Joe told her before he kissed her cheek, and left with her Mom to go and find their seats.
She didn't like being alone. Her heart felt as if it might actually tear free from her chest.
She could do this. She heard the start of I Forgot That You Existed playing, and stepped up onto the stage. She closed her eyes. She had to do this. She couldn't disappoint people. All of these fans - she couldn't disappoint them. She knew they'd all paid so much to see her, and she really didn't want to ruin their night, or as some would claim, their entire lives.
"I forgot that you existed..." she sang as she walked onto the stage. She put on her biggest fake smile, and sparkled on the stage.
Taylor just managed to get back to the changing room with Joe at her side, before she vomited again. She hadn't vomited during the concert, which she was so relieved about, but she knew the second she'd walked off that stage, that the stress of it all was going to come back out.
"You did great," Joe told her softly.
"Do you think people could tell that I wasn't feeling well?"
"No." Joe murmured. "Not at all. Not everyone can see which smiles you're faking. You did everything perfectly." It might have looked like that, but it sure didn't feel like that to Taylor. She'd felt faint the entire time she'd been up there. In her anxious state, the lights had been too bright, the smell of the smoke from the fireworks had been too strong, and she felt like her voice wasn't working properly.
"I didn't, though. They're all probably going onto their social media and hating me."
"No, they won't be." Taylor was so tired. Joe helped her stand up, and leaned her against the sink. "Here, I'll take your makeup off."
"You don't have to - I don't even care at this point, I'll just sleep in it."
"No, I'll take it off for you." He offered, getting her to close her eyes, and tie up her hair. "Then we can go back to the hotel, and you can go to bed."
"What would I do without you?" Taylor asked as he began wiping off her makeup.
He just smiled. "I don't know what I'd do without you, either."
She closed her eyes while he took off her makeup, closed her eyes as she felt his soft hands on her skin. "I'm sorry. I feel like this hasn't been as special as it's supposed to be." Taylor murmured, her voice trembling. Joe put a finger to her lips.
"Shhh. I won't have you saying that." He said, finishing wiping away her makeup. "This is special. Being with you every single day is special. Knowing that you're going to be a Mom is special. It is special. I know that it's not the way that you'd planned, but I still think that it's special." He rested a hand on her stomach, smiling at her. "This is special, Taylor. And it's not perfect, and I know that you are so stressed about your tour, but this is special."
"I love you," she told him, and she knew it with every inch of her being. She fucking loved him so much that it made her emotional just thinking about him. "I love you so much. To the moon and to Saturn - but to another galaxy too."
Joe smirked. "That sounds about right."
She was relieved to crawl into bed, into Joe's arms. She couldn't believe that she would have to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. Hopefully if she took the anti-nausea pill sooner, it would have kicked in before she started performing.
"Taylor?" Joe asked through the darkness.
"Yes?" She replied sleepily.
"I just wanted to remind you how proud I am of you." She felt his lips on her temple, and smiled. "Every single day you never cease to amaze me with how strong you are. How... absolutely beautiful you are. I just wanted to remind you how much I adore you."
She opened her eyes, snuggling closer. "You're always amazing me too, Joe. I love you so much. I remember when we first met... I used to always want to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming - it still feels like that. I still feel like I have to pinch myself to make sure that this is all real. We're going to have a baby," she said through a smile.
"I can't believe it either." He murmured. "But it's going to be okay, Taylor. We'll sort out the tour. And you won't be facing any of it on your own."
"I know," Taylor leaned up and kissed him. "I know. I'm so glad that I've got you here beside me."
"I wouldn't have it any other way." Joe whispered. "I'll let you sleep now, my love."
"Goodnight," Taylor muttered as she fell asleep.
"Goodnight." She heard him reply with a kiss, but she was already gone.
That night, she dreamt of laughter - a child's laughter, and Joe's smile, and they were home. The three of them, together. They were a family.
She was going to have a family of her own.
She woke up, happy tears falling from her eyes. She couldn't wait for them to be a family. Couldn't wait to wake up every hour to a screaming baby, or ending up with a mountain of washing every single day, and never having a tidy house. She just couldn't believe how lucky she was - that she was getting to start a family with the man that she wanted to spend forever with, the man she loved to Saturn and back, the man who'd brought her daylight in a pretty box and kept her there.
It was all going to be worth it - feeling sick like this, having to cancel the tour. It would all be worth it, for her to be able to say that she had a family.