Five years. That's how long it's been since he disappeared from your life. Since they all did. The therapy that Steve insisted you take part in was nothing short of torture. Hydra couldn't have thought of such a vile strategy. But you showed up, every week and listened to the group of once strangers cry and whine. You wanted to stop going, it's not like you ever shared anyways, but you couldn't bring yourself to leave. You knew Bucky would want you to at least try.
Try as you may, there was no way to put the toothpaste back in the tube after that phone call all those years ago. But you often wonder, if there was just a little less cell reception, could you have lived that extra month with Bucky in blissful ignorance. Would that have been better than knowing of your impending dume? Thoughts you would never share with the group, but instead would keep you up at night.
Five years, and you could still remember it like it was happening now in the small rec room Steve rented out for this grieving group of misfits. The fluorescent lights above you buzzing louder and louder until they melted into gunshots, echoing around the once peaceful Wakanda jungle. The serine views turned -battlefield.
"Where are you?" You screamed through your comms. You were running through the trees, Nat by your side. The gruesome battle taking place was now life or death and though you fought, you wondered if it would be easier to find Bucky and spend what little time you had left resting. It was selfish, but then again, so were you.
"Bucky!?" You pushed, tripping over vines and face planting onto the ground. You gasped, pushing yourself back up, allowing Nat you pull you back to your feet.
The two of you had separated after Thanos made his appearance. Now it was a life or death game to keep him away from Vision. That was the end game.
The three of you stumbled into a clearing and there stood Thanos, gaudy gauntlet on hand and axe embedded into his chest. Your eyes almost didn't recognize the six foot Asgardian God who held it pressing it deeper into his flesh. Steve lay a few feet away, eyes closed and body twisted into a horrifying position. Wanda houved over Vision's lifeless body, a deadly hole gaping from his forehead. You tried to stop Nat from attacking, but it was too late. You were too late.
In one fell swoop, the alien knocked her down to the ground, leaving you standing alone, face to face with the monster.
"You know not what is to come, little girl." He spat, his deep voice rattled through you. "But you will." He heaved in pain, his eyes locking with the seething God before him. "And you... You should have gone for the head."
Your heart sank, body frozen as he snapped his fingers and disappeared into a ball of light. The whole world went silent then. Even the trees rustling in the wind stilled for a moment.
You looked down at your hands, glowing red with what blow you were ready to send at Thanos, but here you were, alone and he was gone. You were too late. You were always too late.
"Y/n" His voice shook you out of your trance. You spun around, tears falling from your eyes to meet Bucky. He had a soft smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. The chaos erupting around you fell away when he looked at you like that.
"Buck?" Steve called his friend's name, calling your attention away from him for a split second. The look on the Captain's face was one filled with horror. When you turned back to Bucky, you could only imagine yours mirrored that itself.
Small particles of ash swirled around his figure, chipping away at his form. You were only a few feet from him, but it felt like a mile as you ran to his side. He collapsed into you, knocking you both to the ground in the action.
"You're it, Doll. Always have been." He mumbled, "Just sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I-" Bucky stiffened in your arms, his eyes filling with fear and regret. With the blink of an eye he was gone, fading away like sand between your fingers.
"Please no. I can't do this again. Not again- NO!" You screamed, falling over onto where he once sat. You had convinced yourself if you kept your eyes closed long enough, when you opened them, he'd be back. Like this was all some wicket nightmare. Like none of it was real.
But when you opened your eyes, he was gone. He had been for five long years.
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Steve walked you to your car through the empty parking lot after the meeting. You sipped on the disposable cup in your hand filled with Starbucks Coffee one of the 'survivors', Rachel had brought to the meeting. Over the years, the two of you had gotten close. As close as you would allow yourself, that is. She reminded you of Wanda, though you would never permit yourself to make the connections. It was always too painful to remember those who disappeared in the snap. Especially her.
Especially him...
"Good meeting huh?" Steve smiled, leaning against the side of your car.
"Hm?" You quirked a brow, his voice pulling you from your thoughts. "Oh, yeah. Another one for the books Cap." You spoke sarcastically, giving him a forced smile.
"Thank you for coming. I know I always say it, but I think Bucky would be happy knowing you're taken care of."
"I don't need to be 'taken care of'" You mumbled, fidgeting with your keys and finally unlocking your car. There was a moment of silence, a lull that you often added as you waited for Wanda or Sam to chime in... Almost every time, you forgot.
"You know what I mean." He smiled. You didn't know how he did that. It seemed so easy to him. There were nights you would practice smiling in the mirror, begging your face to make it look normal and not forced. So far, to no avail. Steve must practice all the time...
"You know I only come for the coffee."
"That's alright."
"Okay, good. I'm not getting all warm and fuzzy in there."
"Again, were just happy to have you." You looked him over, looking for any sign of sarcasm in his face, but came up short.
You were about to get in your car when your body stopped you.
"Do you miss him?" You asked, unable to meet his eyes. He shuffled for a moment before reaching across and taking your hand.
"So much it hurts." His voice was almost a whisper. When you met his eyes, they were softer than you'd ever seen before. So much hurt and regret clouding them.
"It really does- hurt I mean. So fucking much. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I feel like it's never going to stop." The words fell from your lips before you could stop them. Steve looked just as shocked as you were. Over the years your relationship had evolved into snarky comments and short sentences. There was definitely less disdain there, but you never shared anything personal with him before. He looked as though he didn't know what to say.
You were about to brush him off when he closed the distance between the two of you and pulled you into a hug. The action caught you off guard, and though the thought crossed your mind to pull away and curse him out, all you could do is stand there, arms at your sides letting Captain America hold you.
After the war, you moved into the old Avengers compound in New York with Nat. You didn't see each other much, it was a big place after all... But You knew that was only the lame excuse she gave you when you asked. You both grieved better alone. When the rest of the team called in, you were there beside her, sometimes you'd even eat across the table from one another, exchanging pleasantries. Nothing like how it used to be, though. Once upon a time you would have considered Nat one of your best friends...
One of, because the others were gone. And they were never coming back. You envied a time not so long ago where you couldn't remember your name, let alone your grief. What you'd give to wipe the slate clean. To forget your friends. To forget him, and the way he looked at you. The way he spoke your name.
Your mind wandered as you tried to focus on the book in your hands. Your brain screamed at you as you tried to reread the same paragraph for the seventh time and still note one word had absorbed. You huffed, slapping the book closed and tossing it across the table.
"What did that book ever do to you." Nat chuckled, walking into the room. Her voice startled you, but you brushed it off.
"Nothing. Collateral damage, it was just in the way."
"How're you feeling today?" She asked. The question surprised you, but you answered anyway. It had been weeks since she had instigated the conversation.
"I'm... okay. How are you?" You asked, feeling like it sounded forced. Natasha however did not look like she was in pain having this conversation.
"I have someone I'd like you to meet." She gestured behind her to a dark haired man, awkwardly entering the room. He looked out of place beside Natasha, but then again, so did most people.
The man scratched the back of his neck and snuffled into the room.
"Uh, hi. I'm Scott."
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Standing on Tony Stark's lake cabin deck was the very last place you thought you'd be today. Pitching Scott's and your theory of time travel to the genius himself was another.
"This is our second chance Tony." Steve stopped Stark before he could walk away. He spun around on his heel, motioning for his daughter to go find her mother.
He spun back around, pinching the bridge of his nose and concentrating on his next words. "I got my second chance right here, Cap."
You gritted your teeth and tried to steady your voice but despite your deep breathing it came out cold. "And what about my second chance? What about us?"
"Do I know you?" tony scoffed.
"She and Bucky-" Steve started.
"Oh, my apologies, you're the psycho that was sleeping with the man who killed my parents... yeah sorry, but thats still a no for me." Tony rolled his eyes, chuckling to himself.
"He said you were an ass." You huffed, glaring at him.
"I'm an ass? I am? This coming from a crazy murderer. You know what, babe? The whole world is better off with him dead." The words fell off his tongue like poison.
Before you could stop yourself, your palm collided with Tony's cheek, jarring him backwards as he clutched the red stinging skin your fingers once were.
"You know what, fuck you!" You pointed your finger in his face, backing him up. "Fuck you for being the only one who can help us. And Fuck you for not even trying! Just... Just- fuck you!" You spat, holding back your tears because there was no way you were crying in front of this man.
"I need you all to get out." Tony grumbled, turning his back to you. "I'm sorry, I really am." He spoke, directing himself to Nat, who only looked to the ground in response.
You stormed off his front porch and back into the car you had traveled in. Only when the doors closed did you really let yourself fall apart. It felt like it had been years since you allowed yourself to cry. All those nights, staring at the ceiling, imagining Bucky there beside you. No you couldn't cry. There was always hope. Always the chance that he would walk through your bedroom door, and hold you like he did all those nights before. To kiss you like only he could.
Every night, for as long as you could remember, you would dream of Bucky. His voice, like crystalized honey, sweet and sharp as he said your name. The sound melting over you, sturing you awake. He'd reassure you, running his cool fingers over your back and kissing away all your fears. His hot lips on your neck, coaxing a sign from your mouth as he disappeared. The same way he did all those years ago. The same way he always would.
The log cabin disappeared in the rear view mirror and with it any hope you had to ever see Bucky again. All that what if and maybe faded away, leaving you cold and alone.
Always, alone.