The lights went out in the stadium. The last song had played, and Taylor felt breathless, but energised.
She felt so good.
She hadn't felt like needed to faint at all - a feeling she'd not experienced yet. It was easier not feeling like that. She was ushered off the stage, and immediately looked for Joe. She couldn't see him, and found one of her security guards to ask. But she didn't even need to ask, before he smiled.
"They're waiting outside the dressing room." Taylor smiled in return. She'd just performed her first show of the Lover tour. She wanted to do a happy dance. The show had gone perfectly, she'd done everything right. It was the best way to start off the tour she could imagine. It was perfect.
Joe was leaning against the wall outside the changing room, and Taylor skipped up to him.
"I couldn't find you and I got so sad!" She wrapped her arms around his neck.
"You looked beautiful up there, Taylor." He kissed her forehead. "You did it! I told you that you could!" He spun her around.
Usually after a concert like that, she'd be shattered. But now, that she was a healthy weight and had eaten properly throughout the day, she was tired but not exhausted. And she was so, unbelievably happy.
She kissed him with a smile. "Did you see me pointing at you?"
Joe chuckled. "Of course I did! I couldn't miss it!" He cupped her cheek. "Are you happy with it?"
Taylor nodded, sighing. "I'm so happy!" She couldn't contain her happiness any longer and she squealed. "It went better than I'd hoped! They all seemed to love it - I think they did... hopefully they did." She had tried hard not to let that doubt creep in all night, but she couldn't help it.
"I know they did, Taylor. I don't know if you are able to hear just how loud they were screaming, but from where we were, it was deafening." He chuckled as he led her inside. She collapsed on the couch with a bottle of water, Patrick sitting beside her.
"I love that shirt so much." Taylor told him with a smile. She took a big drink of water. Patrick's shirt was white, but it seemed to shine purple, pink and blue depending on the light. "It really is perfect."
"I know. I saw it and I was like, wow. Taylor's going to love this." He nudged her. "No one could've sparkled more than you tonight."
"Really? I think that this shirt totally wins." She laughed.
"Are you kidding? It doesn't even compare!" Patrick laughed. He sighed, checking the time. "I'd better get back to the hotel."
"Where are you staying? We can drop you off on our way back if you've got ten minutes for me to get changed," Taylor offered.
"He's staying at the same hotel as us - right next door." Joe called over his shoulder as he was helping Taylor's mom tidy up a little. "I'd better not hear the two of you cackling all night."
"We do not cackle!" Patrick argued, but that only caused the two of them to laugh harder.
Taylor got up, grabbing her bag and going to the bathroom. She'd brought clothes to get changed into, just a pair of black leggings, a sweatshirt and she couldn't help herself, she'd brought her cat slippers too.
She shed the layer of sequins, they were golden now, she'd requested specifically to have a golden costume for the final portion of the concert. Her favourite song to sing - which was a hard decision because she loved them all equally - was Daylight. Taylor had decided to put that one as the finishing track. She felt like it tied it all together with a sparkly, golden bow.
She'd fallen asleep quickly, snuggled in Joe's arms. It didn't seem real, the fact that she had just gone and performed in front of thousands of people, and now she got to come back here and fall asleep in her lover's arms. There was nothing like that feeling.
She was so unbelievably proud of herself, she couldn't believe that she'd made it this far.
If she'd listened to those dark voices in her head all those years ago, then she wouldn't be here today.
She wouldn't have performed her best album yet in a sold out stadium. That thought made her so sad... to imagine herself missing out on the best year of her life. Missing out on all of this. She was so glad that's she'd decided to stay. Joe was right, when he'd told her when she was trying to convince him that he shouldn't be with her; nightmares end.
Taylor woke up feeling sick. She often got sick after the first concert of a tour - so it wasn't unusual for her, but she felt different. Tonight they'd travel to Santa Clara - which she was looking forward to. But not if she felt like this. She was tired, even though yesterday she had felt like she was walking on water.
"Are you alright?" Joe asked her, kissing her cheek. "You look a little pale."
"I think so - I'm just not feeling very well." She sighed with a smile. "It's probably got something to do with the fact that I didn't eat much after the concert last night..." She was sure that's what it was.
"I'll go and get you something to eat." He kissed her cheek. "And you can just stay here and relax."
"I feel bad!"
"There is no need to feel bad. I'll bring you a glass of water, too."
Joe had only just left before she rushed to make it to the toilet before throwing everything up.
She sat on the floor of the bathroom - her head in her hands. She felt awful. She had never felt this bad before - and she was just about to be sick again, when a thought flashed through her head.
She'd never been this sick before. She rushed to get her phone from the table, and checked the calendar. Her heart sunk. She'd been so busy with the tour and preparing for it, that she hadn't noticed that her period was late. Shit. This couldn't be happening. This was literally the worst possible time this could be happening. It shouldn't be happening. They'd done everything so safely that she hadn't even thought that getting pregnant was possible. She couldn't be pregnant. She couldn't - not with the tour only having just started.
She pulled herself together enough to slip next door to her moms room, where Andrea was brushing her hair. Taylor felt as if she was going to explode. This couldn't be happening.
"Mom?" She called out, her voice wavering.
"What's wrong?" Andrea came to her side immediately. "Are you alright?"
"Mom..." Taylor's lip trembled. "I think I'm pregnant." She was breathing too fast, it was all happening too fast. "I don't know what to do - I've only done one show of my tour, I've only-"
"Take a deep breath, honey." Andrea told her calmly as she guided her to the bed. "Sit down." Taylor did, and she was breathing so fast that the world was spinning. She couldn't take a deep breath - not now. "What's makes you think that you're pregnant?" Her mom sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her.
"My... my period is late and... and I feel so sick - and not like how I usually feel after my first concert." Taylor felt herself slipping. This couldn't be happening.
"Well... the first thing we need to do is take a pregnancy test, alright? You might just have a bug, honey. And you've been so stressed out about the tour that it's not a surprise that your period is late." Taylor was so grateful that her mom was able to keep so calm.
"What am I going to do?"
"Taylor." Her mom said firmly, taking her hand. "If you are pregnant, we can sort it out. We'll do whatever you think is best. It's going to be okay. We are going to sort this out. There's never been a problem that we haven't been able to fix, okay? I'll go to the store and I'll get a couple of pregnancy tests, alright?" Her mom kissed her forehead. "It's going to be okay. Does Joe know?"
Taylor shook her head, a new wave of tears forming. He'd be disappointed in her, she knew he would. She couldn't do this. She'd been going so well... she had been so happy... and now it was crashing down around her.
"Alright. Wait until we know for certain, and then you're going to have to talk to him. You know that your father and I will support you no matter what, alright?" Taylor nodded, standing up and wiping the tears from her eyes. She had to at least look okay. "You go back to him, and I will go to the store. I'll text you when I'm back, okay? Honey, we'll sort this out." Taylor nodded. Taking a deep breath.
"Thanks mom," she murmured. She knew that Joe would be back soon, and she headed towards the door.
"We'll support you, Taylor. And I know that Joe will too."
Joe was already there when she slipped through the door.
"Sorry, I just went to ask my mom something," Taylor tried to smile. "That looks delicious. I'm starving."
She hoped that he couldn't see her trembling hands, or the way that she wouldn't quite meet his eyes. How on earth was she going to tell him this? What on earth was she going to do?
"Taylor?" Joe rest a hand on her arm, and she finally looked up at him with a smile.
"Sorry, what?"
"Are you okay?" Joe asked her softly and she felt her insides turn. Her heart started beating at a million miles per hour.
"I'm fine. Just a little tired from last night. And I'm not looking forward to flying again." That was the truth... sort of.
"It will be okay," he smiled as Patrick walked through the door.
"I swear to god - I have never felt so hot in my entire life. Why does it have to be so hot?" He collapsed on the couch, his hair a mess. "I don't know how you do it."
"I love sleeping in the heat," Taylor smiled. She was grateful that Patrick was here and gave her something to be distracted by. "It's so much better than sleeping in the cold."
"So is that why you always sleep with the electric blanket on?" Joe smirked and Taylor laughed.
"I hate being cold! It's literally the worst feeling ever. You'll get used to it, Patrick." She was so relieved that he was here. "I'm sure that there's air conditioning."
"Yeah, maybe in your room - but not in mine!" He exclaimed and Taylor laughed. "I have to slum it with the heat of Arizona, while you can use the air conditioning that you don't even like using!"
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad, Pat." Joe smirked. "You're so dramatic."
Patrick's mouth opened in surprise. "Says you! You're the one who literally lives out the dark academia aesthetic, with your poetic words and scribbling in your diary until all hours. If that's not dramatic, then I don't know what is."
Taylor was happy to listen to them talk while she ate her breakfast, she was happy to let them ramble on while she waited for her mom to text her. Her heart was pounding so hard that she was sure she could feel it in her throat.
Finally, the text came. She excused herself, and went to her moms room. She didn't know what she was going to do.
This couldn't be happening. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe it was her imagination. She hoped that's what it was - because she couldn't do this.
"I got five." Andrea handed them to her. "Whatever they say, Taylor, we'll sort out together."
Taylor closed her eyes as she went into the bathroom. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't do this. She took each of the pregnancy tests, and went back out to her mom.
"What am I going to do? If they say positive? I can't cancel the tour, mom. So many people are relying on me for this, this is supposed to be the event of the year."
Two minutes have never gone by more slowly.
"You don't know that you'll have to cancel it." Her mom wrapped an arm around her. Taylor didn't even know what to do. Her mind was blurry. "Do you want me look first?" Andrea asked her daughter.
Taylor shook her head. "No. No, I'll look."
She couldn't cancel her tour. She couldn't do that to her fans. Not when all they'd done over the last couple of years was support her.
The timer she'd set on her phone went off, and Andrea too her hand. "Whatever it says, we'll support you, and we'll still love you."
Taylor closed her eyes, and then looked.
p r e g n a n t .