Last of Part I
Hinahaplos ko ang singsing na nakaukit sa aking daliri. Without a force to remember, the memories grew a heartbeat as it played an image of how Angelov carved his promises on this little finger sheltering the veins that's close to my heart.
"D, what are you doing?" Sydney's distant voice echoed in the hollow parts of my skull.
"Magpapakasal ka? Akala ko ire-rehab siya?" sinegundahan ni Evrose.
"We'll get married first before he goes to rehab," deklara ko para matapos na ang pagtatanong nila.
But just when I thought they're done with probing, a question crosses my thought which froze me. Isang tanong na kayang buwagin ang katiyakan ng desisiyon ko at pagsisihan lahat, bawiin lahat at ipagbabakasakali na lang. Just when I thought I have grown enough to make things right for my life through choosing other ways against other people's will...
"How did you come up with this? For sure you have your reason. Hindi lang dahil sa gusto niyong magpakasal!"
Given the shallow experiences I had in which through enduring times, has shaped by the devastation I've become through the consequences of other people's actions, I learned it too late that every decision made is a chance. An opportunity. A relief. Luck, for the lack of a more suitable word. But in a blink of an eye, an easy word could turn a life upside down. The gravity of three letters weighs heavy, clinging at the edge of my tongue. And right in this moment, I learned that most words that appear easier said could turn out to be... regrets-in-waiting.
"Makakalabas ka na mamayang hapon." I smiled at him.
As the day grew old from the minute Angelov brought up the question, the idea of marriage only gets heavier and the image became a loaded weight in my chest that it sent unbounded thoughts in my mind on a run, pleading to be claimed by certainty.
Hindi na kasi ito katulad noong isang taon na tila isang laro lang. We may have been serious with the promises we made in our hearts, but l was vulnerable in that moment. While this marriage he asked for requires the legal papers, and the thought of it alone bestowed me the scenes of grave responsibilities on our shoulders. The deeper I think about it, I realized how I wasn't yet prepared for that kind of future.
Kahit na sigurado naman ako na siya pa rin ang pakakasalan, but the thought of the union also brought me back to the advices I collected from last year when I was too naive to care about risking chances.
And after everything that's happened... the darkness, it felt like we are still a hundred steps away from the light. Para pa rin kaming nasa isang mahabang lagusan at wala pang naaaninag ni tuldok ng liwanang. Natitigilan lamang sa mga alingawngaw o para makapagpahinga.
So I think the idea still needs to be thought-out. Especially when a friend of his has just passed away, while the other is in serious deep grief.
Angelov's half-lit fire gaze lingered on me before I could see the blatant dissolve of his temper. Ngunit sa paglaho niyon ay sinulit ang oportunidad ng pangamba na sumilip sa mga mata niya. I can literally see his mind working behind the troubled expression that is now burying the rest of his ire.
"May problema ba?" I didn't stall seeing his expression.
Nagdilim lalo ang mukha niya.
"Okay lang ako." He cleared his throat, getting rid of the obvious struggle in his tone.
I am not convinced, lalo na nang makita ko ang mabigat na paglunok niya bago inihayag ang pilit na ngiti.
Unti-unting naghiwalay ang mga labi ko habang binabalikan ang mga araw kung kailan ko siya nakikitang masaya, o nakangiti man lang. The times when he is with friends, or with the people who surrounds him day by day... on how he used to be carefree, a tease, or the wild son of rebellion while being a dangerous one at that same time.
All of those times now I came to wonder.... what if this is the real flesh underneath? What if this is the exact reflection of what torture has been going on inside him? Every move, forced and always in pain. This flesh clothed by the permanent diaries on his skin. Armored by mad exterior that could disarm and deceive anyone on what lies beneathe when every action is an attempt to lock the tormented soul within aching bones in his hollowed body.
The thought guided me to a vision of him alone. Lahat ng bakal na anyo ay unti unting natutunaw sa tuwing mag-isa habang nangungulila sa piling ng kanyang ina.
In the stillness of the night, in the midst of a clenching dawn... this is when he likely strips off his armor and resolves into someone nobody has ever seen of him.
And the only way to take a peek of it is only through the windows of his soul. But then not anyone can. It took me what seemed to be a lifetime to see through it all.
The doctor said he can go home anytime this afternoon. Kaya naman si Ate ay inaasikaso na ang discharge papers niya at bills. Hindi naman ganoon karami ang dinala kong gamit niya rito kaya ayos lang na mamaya ko na lang iyon ihahanda para sa pag-alis.
Pero habang tumatagal ako sa ganitong ayos ay lumalalim at mas nagiging mariin ang titig ko sa kanya. It may have looked like we're caged inside a time still but both of us are consciously aware that a lot has happened in our muted exchange. He storms through my doubts. I attempt a dive inside his mind. We try to paint answers on silent questions in full color as we take time finding the key to unlock our gazes.
Catching the reluctance in my face, he forced a lift on one side of his lips. It made me think that whatever emotion his heart has been filled with in the moment, either blissful or enthused, his smiles just always reflects the torture inside him.
"Kakalibing pa lang ng kaibigan ninyo tapos si Vin..." I licked my lips as I carefully considered this. "Hindi niya alam na nandito ka..."
"Hindi naman kita pipilitin."
He looked like a fallen angel when his eyes dived lower giving anyone an impression that they were shut close. He appeared sadder than before, and it took my all to not let his pain carry me away and change my decision. Dahil sa makailang beses na akong nagpapadala sa mga ganito ay walang mabuting naidulot iyon. I think too much with my heart when I should be consulting with what is above it.
Mahina akong tumango sa tahimik na napagkasunduan naming dalawa.
"At ang gusto namin ni Ate, kung ayos lang sa 'yo, ipapa-rehab ka."
I can clearly see how his body tensed. Umangat nang dahan-dahan ang paningin niya ngunit huminto lamang sa leeg ko. He swallowed hard. I supposed this is another dead end to him, losing all hope to escape the real world and if he ever agrees, it's because this is the only remaining fight he could give after death has denied him.
"Bibisita ka naman, 'di ba?"
Lumalim ang panunuot ng sugat sa puso ko nang ngumiti at tumango. "Of course. I will visit you every week."
"Paano kung bawal bumisita?"
"Hmm... I will write you letters!" I smiled to disguise the threatening tears.
When midday striked, Angelov fell asleep. Ilang oras na lang at aalis na kami, nakalapag na sa mahabang upuan ang mga iuuwing gamit niya. I sat beside him in the bed, indulging myself with his tranquil breathing and the subdued volume of the television.
Maybe I was too engrossed with what I am watching that I only realized now of the light noise beside me. Napalingon ako at nakumpirma ang paghilik ni Angelov. It's just a light snore, or more of like a faint sound of his breathing. Hindi naman nakaaabala pero sapat nang makuha ang atensyon ko't umani ng tipid na ngiti.
He doesn't really snore in every sleep. Nangyayari lamang kapag sobrang pagod. Ngayon, hindi ko alam bakit bigla na lamang siyang humihilik. Does he feel tired already? Siguro nga, kahit ilang araw pa naman kami rito sa ospital.
But, Angelov, it won't take too long before I wake you up, promise. Uuwi na rin tayo.
But then I remembered earlier at five past three o'clock this morning, I woke up for some reason and caught him staring at the ceiling. Hindi ko na namalayan kung ilang sandali siya sa ganoong ayos at itatanong sana ang nilalaman ng isip niya ngunit hinila muli ako ng pag-idlip.
I sighed. Iaangat ko sana ang kamay ko, gustong isuklay ang mga daliri ko sa buhok niya. Yet a thought preceded me that if I do so, a light caress might only wake him up. Bukod doon ay nakaipit din kasi ang kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya at dinidikit sa kanyang dibdib.
In the end, I just continued watching him. Hindi na nag-abalang bawiin ang aking kamay.
"VIDAURRI UNDETTERED BY SEASONED OFFICIALS VYING FOR POSITION OF MAYOR."
Kumunot ang noo at mabilis napabaling sa TV. Shown on the screen is the Mayor's office followed by the footages of the people who I assumed are in running for the political seat while the newscaster was talking in the background. Umawang ang bibig ko, natitigilan sa kabila ng malakas na pag-anod sa akin ng kaba nang makumpirmang isa na roon ay si Daddy.
"What..." I muttered out of my mind.
"Aside from the leading name holding the reins of VDI Inc., a graceful and powerful woman is behind donning the full support for her husband. As Graciella Vidaurri is a household name for the stars, I'm quite positive Alessandro is going to win the race through also the massive influence of his wife and family," ani ng nakapanayam nilang ex-politician at siyang kilala umano si Daddy.
The news of his running for office earned controversy. Wala raw kasing karanasan si Dad taliwas sa mga kalaban niyang kada taong kumakandidato at nakapagsilbi na rin sa publiko. All of them had already won a local seat but now they aim for the higher position. Though they didn't make a stellar impression with speculations of corrruption and negligence preceding them, so the masses will risk their faith and give my father the benefit of the doubt to govern the city. They want to find out if he is just one of the previous leaders who failed to progress the capital, or would he prove them wrong? This and among others is one of the factors of his potential victory.
"Well, apart from Graciella V Medical, one of VDI's subsidiary is a charitable organization. They have served these people and they possess the concern heart for the public!" mariing giit ng isa pang kinuhanan ng panayam. He expressed that statement with a flair of exaggeration.
Hindi ako nakagalaw. My sight and mind were deeply immersed on the news. Sa kabila ng pagpapatuloy ng balita ay ganoon din ang samo't saring spekulasyong tumatakbo sa isip ko. Ang marinig lahat ng ito, pakiramdam ko ay may hinahabol na akong sagot.
"We usually associate this family of their tight alliance with the Silvestres, one of Visayas Region's biggest names in politics. And upon learning about this, I think we can all share the same thought in our minds. I have no doubt that without any reservations, the Silvestres' support will be outright and absolute. They might even aid for the Vidaurri's campaign funds, if not self-funding."
Angelov stirred beside me. Stunned and out of words, I turned to him. Pinipilit kong amuhin ang nagdidilim na kalabog ng puso dahil hindi dapat ako naaapektuhan sa balita.
But why does it seem like it has to do with me? Ilagan ko man ang pag-iisip sa balitang ito ay iyon pa ang panay buntot sa akin. I shouldn't be overthinking this, but if I can choose what words that should run and stay in my mind, this time it was the panic that's dictating the thoughts to make a living in my head.
My sister came back an hour later. Gising na rin naman si Angelov kaya hindi na pahirapan ang pag-alis namin. Nga lang, wala akong imik buong magdamag sa biyahe, naiiwan pa ang pag-iisip sa narinig na balita kanina. Even Angelov has been strangely quiet. Bawat lingon ko sa kanya, hindi nagbabago ang ayos na tulala sa labas ng bintana.
I met my sister's eyes on the rearview mirror. Nagtagal ang tingin niya bago inilipat kay Angelov. I looked away, keeping my distance from her silent thoughts. But I wonder if she was informed of the news about Dad? Napanood niya kaya sa balita o kung hindi man, saan siya posibleng makakuha ng impormasyon kung sa una pa lang, ayaw na niyang makarinig nang kahit anong may kinalaman sa kanila?
It took a quite lot of force to completely abandon the news behind me. It was probably just the shock which led to overthinking. Pero hindi ko rin naman maitatanggi na malaking bagay ang biglaang pagpasok ni Dad sa mundong hindi niya gamay. As I have known, my father not even once had set his sights on politics. He was always all about the company. Besides, the business is already filling his plate. Politics, it will be gluttony.
But then, I also thought how well do I really know my parents? Sa buong buhay ko, sila Inay Hirelda ang tangi kong nakakausap sa mansyon. My mother barely talks to me and a conversation is never plausible without the insults. Dad doesn't want to be disrupted in his office. So how much do I really know the people who raised me?
Akala ko ay tuluyan ko nang natakasan ang balita kahapon at ang kalakip nitong pangamba sa akin. But the next day, I was already burning with their curiousity the moment I set my foot inside the school gates.
"'Di ba Vidaurri iyan?" Nagsimula na ang mga bulungan.
"Oy magsitabi kayo! Anak iyan ng future mayor!"
Hundreds of curses raised hell inside my head. I implored speed in my walk. Niyakap ko nang mahigpit ang mga libro at walang tinatagpong mata, diretso ang tingin sa tinatakbo kong classroom. Pero sa ginagawa ay mas binubusog ko lamang yata ang mga hinala nila.
"Anak iyan, panigurado. Pero bakit dito siya kung afford naman nila ang mamahaling school? O baka hindi rin."
Nakayuko akong pumasok sa classroom at inilang hakbang lang ang aking silya. Pero kahit dito ay hindi ako tinatantanan.
"Mama mo ba si Graciella Vidaurri?" A girl classmate grabbed the seat beside me just to ask this. "Yung doktor na nagpapaganda ng mga artista?"
I sucked in a loaded breath. My mother will never like this. Sasabihin niyon ay pinagkakalat kong mag-ina kami.
"Ang ganda niya! Nakita ko siya kahapon kasama ng Daddy mo, yung kakandidatong Mayor!Nagsisimula na yatang mangampanya sa baranggay namin," sabat ng isa pang kaklase. "Kaya pala familiar ang mukha mo. Medyo kamukha mo siya. Not that you're not pretty, magkaiba lang iyong ganda niyo. Yours are more youthful and innocent!"
Sinundan ito ng mga sumasang-ayong bulungan.
Of all the things she said, I chose to catch the mere mention of my mother. Kadalasan kapag sa ganitong mga buwan ay nasa Maynila siya. But she's here, of course, for a very obvious reason.
"Uhm..." I opened my notes to avoid their eyes. "I am not related to any of them. Same last name lang."
"Sus, ikaw lang naman 'tong Vidaurri sa school na 'to. And you share a similar feature with your Mom. Kaya walang duda!"
Huminga ako nang malalim, iniisip paano ito lulusutan. Maybe I should quit my classes here? Magho-homeschooling na naman ba ako? Or perhaps, online class? Nahuli ko ang tingin nila Rima at Sab sa kabilang row na parang naaawa na sa akin sa mga pang-uusisa nila.
"Well there might be more of them who shared the same last name and features with the Vidauri in other schools!" I reasoned out. "Tsaka kung anak talaga nila ako, bakit ako nandito when in fact, they can afford to send me to an expensive university or abroad!"
"Oo nga! Oo nga..." hiyaw ng mga boys.
I thought I already had escaped it and their probing will finally stop. Pero nang humihinahon ang ingay at naiwan ang marahang tawanan...
"Too late, Vidaurri...." That same classmate who started it all sneered at me.
Umawang ang mga labi ko nang hinarap niya sa akin ang screen ng cellphone laman ang litrato ng aming pamilya. Probably the only photo we have as a family that is out in the public. On my eighteenth birthday. Under the captured image in a well-known newspaper was a short statement on how it was celebrated. Nabanggit din doon ang mga dumalo na iilang kilalang tao sa buong siyudad lalung-lalo na ang mga Silvestre.
Hindi humupa ang pag-aalab ng hiya, sa galit, sa pangamba at sa nagbabadyang banta. I don't know where the force of threat was coming from, I can only sense that it is lurking in the corners, ready to pounce at an instant chance of my weakness!
I survived that day ignoring everyone. Kahit na may mga nangungulit, I gave them reasons never to bother me again. Ang laking ginhawa nang matapos ang huling klase at nauna akong lumabas para makahinga.
I quickly dug for my phone to claim my sense of relief. Buong araw ko yatang inaantay ang tawag ni Angelov kung sakali man na may kailangan siya at madadala ko sa pag-uwi galing skuwela.
Pero sa halip na mensahe, missed calls ang pinadala niya. I was about to call him back when he beat me to it.
"Lov?"
My steps mellowed. I strained my ears to accomodate the sound on the other line. Maingay ang paligid ko kaya ako ang tumatahimik, dinidikit lalo ang cellphone sa tainga. I also had to slow down my own breathing just so I wouldn't make noise. Pero sa ginawa ko ay mas naghamon pa ng karera ang kaba kaya nangunguna ang bilis ng puso ko at ako ang binibingi.
"Angelov," ulit ko nang walang narinig mula sa kanya. "Ayos ka lang?"
Hindi ko namalayan ang mga segundong lumipas. I just realized that my breathing ceased. Ang tanging naririnig ko sa kabilang linya ay ang paghihirap sa bawat paghinga niya. And if I'm not mistaken, I think I might have heard a small sob but he was so quick to smother it on his own.
"Lov, what is happening--"
"I didn't get rid of the stash under the mattress."
I stop dead on my tracks at the anguish sound of his admission. Namanhid ang mga paa kong tila buong hapon na silang nakapako sa madamong lupa. I don't understand how I am here and seeing everything all at once from the people, to the trees and the skies while I am also watching a vision of his body lying cold on the floor, dead.
Paano akong nandito sa gitna ng huling silab ng liwanag at sa simpleng tawag niya ay muli akong inihatid sa dilim, itinulak sa nararamdamang lamig ng kanyang katawan... I turned to the king of the ripening afternoon and just by staring at the embers, every thought and feeling washed over me.
"Anong ginawa mo?" My tone descended to cautiousness.
Parang ginasgasan ang pandinig ko sa mabagal ngunit mabigat niyang buntong hininga. At kung tama man ang dinig ko ay para bang may mariing nakatakip sa buong mukha niya upang malikha ang ganitong uri ng tunog: Matinding bigat at paghihirap.
"I... remember you..." his pained gruff whisper scratches on my chest. "Ang iyak mo... ayoko nang mangyari iyon." He breathed faster and gasped as if bracing himself for the threat. "Pero ang hirap..." pigil ang hikbi niya sa sumunod na sinabi. "Sam, please umuwi ka na..."
I let the bleak silence get ahold of me as I allowed his controlled sobs to drift through my already burning chest. Nahagip ko ang humintong taxi sa tapat ng gate at walang pagdadalawang isip na hinabo ito at sumakay.
"You can do it, Angelov. You can get rid of it!"
He chuckled in dead humor. "Paano mo pa rin nagawang magtiwala sa 'kin, Sam? I've been a mess a-and... and an asshole! You should be wishing me dead right now. Wala na akong magagawang tama..." he panted.
Iniipit ko ang mga labi, umaasang kaya nitong pigilan ang luha ko. Kahit hindi ako gumalaw at nakatuon ang buong paningin sa harap ng daan, hindi kumukurap, namumuo ang humahapding unos sa paligid ng aking mga mata.
I don't understand how Angelov has come up with these thoughts. Maybe it's a bad idea to release him. Naging imbitasyon pa yata ang paglabas niya sa ospital para lang makagamit ulit.
"Don't say that, please. If you die, I die..." As if on cue, my tears fell to mark finality on the promise.
In my peripheral, I can see the driver whirled his head to me. Hindi ko na sana papansinin pero inabutan na niya ako ng tissue. I accepted it and replied my gratitude without looking up.
"Gusto kong ibaba ang tawag para sumubok ulit," nahihirapan niyang sabi. "But I also want to keep you on the line, Sam, so I could hear you, kahit paghinga mo lang sapat para mapigilan ko ang sarili ko..."
"Then keep me on the line!" I voiced out eagerly bordering to a plead. "Don't hang up on me, okay? Pauwi na ako. Wait for me."
A long, heavy and trembling sigh broke out from him.
"I will..."
Neither of us dropped the call. Sa buong magdamag ay pinakikinggan lang namin ang isa't isa. He calls my name, then I offer a short response just to let him know that I'm still on the line. Kapag hindi ako nagsasalita ay tinatawag niya muli ako, just to check if I'm still with him.
Katulad niya ay hindi rin ako napapakali. Sa naririnig kong mga paghihirap niya, bawat ingit ng kama habang bumubuntong hininga, daing ng pagdurusa at mga bulong ng pagmamakaawa, nalalasahan ko ang pait. The vision of him sitting there alone, waiting for help, desperate for the next fix but at the same time fighting against his own control to dispose the urge... His craving, the white-powdered bliss he thought could save him was just a single reach away... Sweating cold, accompanied by his friendly demons pushing him for another sniff, a flawless seduction of the high... I can taste his pain and suffering with this bitterness in my tongue that no water could ever quench.
"Sam...?" Tawag niya sa namamaos na boses. "Nandiyan ka pa?"
"I'm... still here." My brows met deeper by the sudden sound of his shallow breathing. "Angelov, anong nangyayari?"
Naririnig ko ang kanyang mga hakbang. He coughed a few times then sniffed followed by a drawn-out creak of the door. A ruffled noise came next, tila binubuksang plastic o kung anumang manipis at madaling punitin. And the last... I heard his deep and shaky sighs again.
Hindi pa man tumatapat ang sasakyan ay pinatigil ko na saka nagbayad. I didn't bother wait for the change when I just bolted straight to the house with my phone tightly secured by my hand. Hindi pa nakababa ang tawag pero sigurado rin akong hindi niya dala ang cellphone sa kung saan man siya nagtungo.
Though, I figured he's never stepped out of the house. Wala akong ibang naririnig mula sa panig niya kung 'di ang nangangatal niyang paghinga at boses na tila napapaso.
The beat of this fear is so familiar. Lalo na't ganitong kaba rin ang humehele sa akin noon, sa nanghihinang mga tuhod habang inaakyat ang kanyang silid sa kalagitnaan ng kakaibang katahimikan.
My rapid breaths didn't slow down even until I grinded to a complete halt. Dalawang bagay agad ang una kong nadatnan nang marating ang silid. His cellphone on the bed, and the angle of the mattress left askew, making me see what used to be a stuffed content underneath... now was all empty.
Upon the sound of a light rustling, my head whipped towards the shower room. Maingat akong lumapit, naglalaro ang iba't ibang anyo ng takot sa isipan. Doon pa lamang ako tuluyang nakalma nang makita ang nangyayari sa loob.
Angelov standing in front of the toilet bowl, pouring the refined contents of the black stash in silence. His dark gaze were intent on what he is doing and in his grim face, it was as if he refuses to feel anything other than cold so to avoid touching the claws of temptation.
At nang maubos ang mga laman ng itim na bigkis, kitang-kita ko ang paglaya ng bigat sa kanyang dibdib. He sucked in a loaded breath and looked up, closing his eyes tightly as he exhaled, his silent desperation turning into prayers. Nang tuluyan na akong makalapit ay pinasidahan ko ang ibang mga bigkis sa paligid niya na rating nakatago sa ilalim ng kanyang higaan.
So he carried all of these stash and bundles from his bed down here? He's intent to dispose everything?
An image of Angelov and the roots of his crime flared in my mind. These bones of his sins, the veils of momentary pleasure was held for disposal by him while he was fighting a demon that is also himself. I can imagine the violent struggle he has to endure just to get rid of it, that it can almost feel like he is peeling off his own skin.
Not that he should deserve this, but he sewed up his own consequences. The repercussions of our misdeed, we should only endure it.
"W-we can't flush all of these. Baka magbara," I intoned suggestively.
"How do we destroy it, then?"
Sensing the quiver in his voice, I ventured a glance to him. I've been staring long enough to catch the tension in his body. Ngunit kahit anong puwersa man niyang pigilan ay tumatakas ang usok ng panghihina. The slight tremors in his body declares how he isn't comfortable with his own, with the remnants of evil coiling inside of him. It's as if anytime from now, his bones are going to jump out of his limbs.
"We can throw it, o ako ang magtatapon," I offered.
"Saan?"
Halos matawa ako. "Ba't ko sasabihin sa 'yo?"
Natulala siya sa akin at siguro ay natanto ang dahilan, tumango siya.
"Puwede namang sunugin na lang," mahina niyang sabi.
"I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I mean, burning them is more beneficial, but I think it has to be done in a secured place like a laboratory or something, and inside a certain temperature. Ililibing ko na lang 'yung matitira."
Parang kay hirap sa kanyang tuluyan na nga namin ito idispatsa para hindi na abot kamay sa kanya. With hostility weighing down his features, he is staring at them bundles like it jailed and brutally murdered what remains of his good decisions.
Huminga siya nang malalim.*
"Pray tell, Angelov. No lies. Did you take any of it? Kahit kaunti?" I didn't mean to sound harsh but it's too late.
"I was tempted to."
"Pero sumubok ka ba ulit? Kumuha ka ba?"
Mariin ang pagpikit niya at ang pag-iling ay naglalaman ng pagsisisi.
"I didn't even breathe when I ripped the bundles open, Samara!" He gritted out.
Bahagya akong natigilan sa bulalas niya. Since the incident, I never heard him raised a tone again. Pero nahahalata ko ang pagsisikap niyang pigilan ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng mga tipid na kilos at pagtitimpi. The reason why he's always been quiet.
He infected me with the ailments of his suffering. Na kahit ako ay hindi rin humihinga habang pinagmamasdan siyang umaatras at ibinagsak ang likod sa dingding. Arms guarding his head, his back helplessly glided down to the floor until he fell sitting on his haunches. Yumuko siya at mas natatakpan lang ng mga braso ang kanyang ulo at lalong naibaon ang mukha sa pagitan ng mga tuhod.
Hurt doesn't even cover how I feel seeing him like this. Every twist of his face, the squirming of his body as a reaction to pain... every whimper as the echoes of the war between him and himself. Akala ko sa paglabas niya, maiibsan na ang hirap ng sitwasyon. But how callous of me to think it's going to be easier when in truth is, it only got worse for him!
Sa nanghihinang mga tuhod ay tumiklop sila sa harapan niya. Hindi nagbago ang kanyang ayos habang inuugoy ang sarili. At kahit tinatago ang mukha, dinig ang mumunti niyang mga hikbi.
I watched and let him strip the cracked remains of his armor.
"Kung awa na lang ang natitira sa 'yo, Sam, gawin mo lahat ng gusto mo at hindi kita pipigilan. You can walk away, and leave me... tuparin mo ang pangarap mo..." Suminghap siya at nag-angat ng tingin.
His eyes were bloodshot, housing the impulse of his tears. Kahit ang ilong niya ay namumula dahil sa panay singhot. Halatado dahil sa nipis ng kanyang balat. Mga labi niya ay marahang namumutla.
But I don't understand. Yesterday, he proposed to me a marriage. Now, he's calling for my absence in his life?
"No."
Tahimik siyang tumitig. Somewhere in between, a twitch on his face ruined the moment, like a wall shuddering from casted stones. He looked down eventually and licked his lips.
"Kung awa na lang ang natitira sa akin, mananatili pa rin ako hanggang sa magbalik ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo..."
His lips wobbled. Nakayuko man ay kitang-kita ang muling pamumuo ng kanyang luha. His brows deepened as if its weight could press the eyelids down to conceal the glistening misery in his eyes. But I can see it, hindi ko rin napigilan ang matinding agos ng sariling luha. That purgatory inside of him burning the last glint of hope, twisting those dark abysmal orbs with sharp and sleek agony that no tear could ever soothe the burden. Lalo itong naging masakit sa akin dahil sa nanghihinang itsura niya.
Shame dictated him not to meet my gaze anymore. I framed his face and instantly felt the warmth of thin skin and the hint of sharp bones. Inangat ko ang mukha niya upang itagpo sa akin ang kanyang paningin.
Nanatili ang panlalaki ng mga mata niyang inuulan ng gulat at tinitimping mangha. It was only short-lived as pain, above all, deformed the shape of his round shock and awe.
"But then, my love didn't come back, Angelov, because it never left."
I sadly smiled through my tears.
"It was shaken, it was doubted, angered, tested... but it never left."
For the first time since a life has been taken, raw emotions were finally freed in his eyes. Natanto ang paglaya nito sabay sa luha ay nagyuko siya ng ulo, pilit kinukubli ang nararamdaman.
In my attempt to hunt for his gaze, I softly hit his forehead with mine and we both let it stay that way. Ang nakakuwadro kong mga kamay sa mukha niya ay humahaplos na para bang kaya nitong amuhin ang gusot at burahin ang ukit ng kanyang mga bangungot. I let my lips fall on his cheek below the eyes, wanting a taste of his sorrow. The instant piercing burn of his skin cloaked me in shivers as it quivered underneath my long dire kiss.
Iniahon ko ang sarili at lumuhod sa harap niya para mas mayakap siya nang mabuti. His breathing turned a harsh aching plead when he returned the embrace, but his grasp on me was more seeking and desperate, a screeching desperation that sounded like a hundred curses were embedded through it. Bawat daing sa panggigil ay tila puwersa para isuko na ang lahat. Para ibaba na ang rehas na nagkukulong sa sarili niyang poot, pait at pagluluksa.
Hindi nagtagal ay tuluyan na ngang nawasak ang bilangguan sa isinisigaw na sakit. The inhibited weeps shifted into a storm, a loud cry of anger, as if the madness inside is dead set to unleash until it shattered his defenses to reveal his disguised vulnerability.
Sa matinding puwersa ay nanginginig ang nag-aapoy na katawan niya. Sa pagkapit nang mahigpit sa akin, ramdam ko ang pagtanggi niya sa muling hila ng bangungot. Because in here, the gaping hole has finally consumed him, the hollowed prison solely filled with a seething misery.
He held on to me tighter as he keeps on shaking his head, refusing a demon that he himself can only hear. Sa riin ay nahihila niya ako pababa kahit na pilit ko rin siyang hinihila at pinapantay sa akin.
The skin on my arm starts burning... the same arm that's cradling a dangerous nightmare, a weeping rebellion as his tears lingered and falls eternally. I could feel the battle of a mild rain and a storm as the shrine of his kindness and sins quaked inside my hold.
I embraced him tighter, gathering his thorns to pierce through my heart. I kissed the top of his shredded head, taking to bear his wounds screaming for stitches, while sowing the seeds of the vow to never depart.
Nanatili ako nang gabing iyon hanggang sa makatulog siya. Akala ko kapag nandito ako ay matatantanan na ako ng mga balita. But no matter how I try to avoid the headline about Dad's candidacy, it always finds a way to remind me of a duty I am not obligated to do.
I heard the news on the radio in one of the station commercials. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at nabuksan ang usapan kay Ate kinabukasan.
"Dad is running for Mayor," I stated with an undertone begging for the explanation.
"So I've heard."
"I saw it in the news. Have you watched it there, too?"
Umiling siya. "Tumawag si Inay Hirelda. She relayed the news to me."
Bahagya akong natigilan sa pag kain. Well it only makes sense how she knew. Tumango ako.
"She mentioned you."
Napangiti ako. "Tatawagan ko si Inay Hirelda mamaya."
Maybe after lunch. I still have to check on Angelov. Sabi niya kasi baka magpipinta raw siya ngayon. I don't want to disturb him that's why I'm here for the moment.
"I mean Graciella. Sabi ni Inay, nabanggit ka niya."
Naudlot ang buhay ng aking ngiti. My face fell slack, hindi maintindihan ang pagdaplis ng lamig. I can feel the answers dancing on the tip of my tongue, the suspicions dangling above my head.
Matagal akong natulala na ngayon ko pa lang namalayan na wala na si Ate sa hapag kainan. She brought her plate and the glass of water with her to the sink. Dinig ko ang ragasa ng tubig, ngunit mas nabingi ako sa hindi mapangalanang kaba.
"W-why would she mention me?" My lips numbed. "Sa loob pa ng bahay na pinagbabawal na sa akin? Sa 'yo?"
Upon realizing this, lost thoughts and ideas vied for a certain solution at the core of my mind. Napapasida ako sa paligid dahil pakiramdam ko, pinagtataguan ako ng mga sagot. I knew they were here... somewhere, lurking... waiting for the ripening of time.
"How much do you know about the Silvestre heir?"
My brows nudged together at the random curiosity.
"I only met him a few times. Madalas iniimbitahan ni Mommy ang pamilya nila sa mansyon. Though he doesn't always go with them because of studies."
The lack of response wheeled my head towards my sister behind me. She remained standing by the sink, dishes done. Nanatili ang pagharap niya sa labas ng bintana animo'y tinatanaw ang kahapon na sinusubukan naming takasan.
"What does he do? Is he at your age?"
I shook my head and returned half the attention on my plate.
"A couple of years older. He has an associate's degree in Psychology. Now, I'm not sure but I think he's taking up Economics as a pre-law major. And... he's in a relationship."
"And so was I."
Hindi ko na talaga naitago ang pagtataka. Una ay ang biglang pang-uusisa niya sa anak ng matalik na kaibigan ng aming magulang. Now what is with her tone which by the way sounded like she's tasted a very bitter memory?
Sinusundan ko ng tingin ang paglisan niya roon. Akala ko ay sasamahan niya muli ako sa hapag ngunit dumiretso siya sa may entrada. Facing outside, she leaned her side on the door frame. Her ethereal sihouette blocking the entry of the afternooon light.
Binalikan ko ng tingin ang aking pagkain na hindi ko na maubos. Tinakpan ko na lang iyon at sinamahan si Ate sa harap, umupo sa isang sofa na pinakamalapit sa kanya sa hamba.
"Ate..."
Naramdaman ko ang nagpapahiwatig na kahulugan sa huli niyang sinabi. Now, it felt like I need to sympathize with what she'd been through without any idea of its history. And her sudden questions about the Silvestre, it speaks volumes. Ngayon lang naman kasi siya nagtatanong nang ganito. We never talk about anything that remotely associates with the life she has already put past behind her.
"Do you know why I ran away, Samara?" Her tone was softly distant and brittle.
I recalled the gossips I heard in our kitchen. Iyon ang natatanging kuwento na alam ko pero sigurado akong may mas higit pang dahilan si Ate roon.
"I always despise the lost of control in my life. Dumaan sa isip ko na pagsisihan ang ginawa, because after all she's still my mother. She bore me in her womb for dire nine months. But I just couldn't take her unconventional disciplines anymore. I was young and I got impulsive when I decided to regain that control..."
She smiled at the distant memory. Pero tila daplis lamang ito ng alaala nang napalitan agad ng pait at umuukit na marahang galit.
"I did. I'd been successful. I thought I have triumphed over the evil queen. But sooner I realized that in every race won, you do not only earn the prize you terribly desired. If misery loves company, victory attracts the opposite. The prize seduced the defeat. The defeat in the form of tragedy..."
Niyakap niya ang sarili na para bang siya na lang din ang natatanging karamay sa pinagluluksaang nakaraan.
"I got so confused. Hindi ko na malaman kung tama pa ba ang ginagawa ko. I figured eventually that it could depend on the situation, no? Though, I can't always blame it on being young, but I did. I defied my parents and ran away. Then Graciella Vidaurri blooms in her own field, while I was just... lost."
Ang isang napakatahimik na hapon ay hinihele ng maaliwalas na ihip ng hangin. Ang huling salitang narinig ay tila mga paang unti-unting nalulumpo hangga't sa gumagapang na lamang sa lupa at inanod ng karimlan. Hinuli naman ang tingin ko ng mga rosas sa may bakod, sinasayaw sa muling pag-ihip.
"I thought I won back my control. It turns out that we can only control what we can, Samara. And learn how to cope with what we can't."
Like these roses swayed by the wind. Ano pa nga ba ang kaya nilang supilin maliban sa pagsibol?
"Ang paglaya lamang ang tanging kinaya ko..." mariin nitong usal.
"Anong nangyari...?"
I was hoping to gather her own version of history this time. Suminghap lamang siya at matapang na bumaling sa akin.
"The main point here is do not let them control you again. Lalo na't kung alam mo sa sarili mong mali sila."
Umiling ako, hindi naitago ang pagkakalito. Gusto kong magtanong kung bakit sinasabi niya sa akin lahat nang ito, pero may pagnanais din sa aking malaman ang mga bagay na matagal ko nang hinahangad para sa sarili ko.
And in between this and the yearning to know and to learn, I just can't seem to connect anything.
"Paano? How can I know if they are doing it all right or wrong? 'Cause I know that I can't always rely it on being uncomfortable when I am confronted by their decisions for me."
Dahil minsan wala rin akong tiwala sa mga kutob ko.
"What if my choices were just inspired by the notion of it holding the better promises? Better consequences?" I added more hysterically.
She stared at me with her serious and half-angry eyes.
"It's not always necessary to go for the best decision that doesn't even serve you, Sam, when there is one that offers the possibility of steering you away from the monsters that used to keep you. The end result doesn't always favor us. The right one or wrong, both could offer some pain and suffering and who knows what more? We can't prematurely conclude if the decision is wise or not unless we get to live by its consequences."
Silence took my side as I try to absorb what she said. Sa pinupuntahan ng aming usapan ay unti-unti ko nang nababanaag ang hinahanao kong sagot. My chest filled with warmth not only by the hit of realization but on the why...
"And the rest, we can just rely it on fate, or faith," she ended her statement.
I gasped. Why... did my sister suddenly curious about the heir of the Silvestres? Why did she warn me about Mother's control and on defying it? And in her stories of running away and never coming back... why?
"Ang sa akin lang..." She sighed. "Huwag mo nang hayaang inaapi ka."
Bakit parang naghahabilin na siya sa akin? Why does she sound like we 'll live separate lives?
"Are you insinuating that Mommy might come here to get me?" My own trembling assumption shook the daylights out of me. It sounded so true that it resonated through my whole body, rousing the shivers.
Bumitaw si Ate sa halukiphip at hindi na mapakali. I don't mean to offend her but she can really use some sleep.
"Hindi ko alam pero kinukutuban na ako." Huminto ang seryosong tingin niya sa akin. "Pero sa oras na pilitin ka man niyang ibalik sa mansyon, hinding-hindi na ako papayag!"
Umiling ako. I believed her, but I wish I could also have the faith on the how.
"She can be too powerful to lose," I said.
"Puwes, kung kailangan ko siyang lumpuhin para lang mabawasan ang yabang niya, gagawin ko!" bulalas ni Ate.
Since that conversation, I've been riding the remaining hours with the answers in the foreront. Nga lang ay puro sila may mga takip sa mukha, kaya hindi ko pa tuluyang mamukhaan kung ano ba itong bumabagabag sa akin. The talk with my sister, in between the lines and the corners of her bitter tones, it felt like there were hidden messages. Malakas ang pakiramdam ko na may higit pa sa mga kutob niyang hindi pinapaalam sa akin.
There is one thing I am sure of, though. Sa oras na makumpirma ko na itong mga hinala ko, alam kong iyon ang gustong uwian ng mga pangamba ko. O siguro may idea na talaga ako, hindi pa nga lang ako sigurado o ayaw ko lang tanggapin sakali man na iyon ang totoo.
This might feel wrong in all places but I used to always believe my Mother made the right choices just because she is more successful than any of us. My father's candidacy on the other hand, it would be a lie if someone says Graciella didn't pull any strings to it. I may not know much about Mom but except for this one grave thing: Graciella will pull out all the stops just to get what she wants regardless of the means.
"Hindi na ako macho..."
Kakapasok ko lang sa painting room ni Angelov dala ang bagong laba na white shirt. He's been painting since last night. Hindi ko nga alam kung natulog ba ito at nagpipinta buong magdamag. Various colors of paint smudges on his body. Lalo na ang malapit sa braso at iilan sa balikat at panga niya.
Mas mabuti pang ito ang pinagkakaabalahan niya kesa ang itungo ang daan ng isipan sa tinatakasang bisyo.
Inaamin ko, may mga gabing hinahalikan ako ng takot at nagtatagal ito sa tuwing nangangamba akong magbabalik lahat ng ginawa niya. He's been sober for two days straight and a half atleast, but what also terrified me was the symptoms of withdrawal.
Pero sa tuwing normal naman siya at sumisilip ang dating Angelov na kilala ko, sinasamantala ko iyon. I treasue it so much cause we'll never know when the episodes might return. Every twitch, bad temper, the look of longing, sometimes I even catch my breath for bracing myself that in any moment he might revisit that road again.
Bawat galaw ng paa at binti niya, galaw na hindi napapakali sa iisang puwesto. Nililingon niya ako at nagsusumamo ng tulong. The torturous desperate help of either taking him away from the pain, subdue his cravings or feed it to him.
Nilapitan ko siya at inabot ang tshirt. He's topless and bitterly checking himself in the body mirror that's leaning among all the other unfinished canvasses. I refused to compare his body then to what it has become because even now, I still embrace him with my all.
I wonder if he ends up being serious with other girls. Would they have tolerated him? Would they have done what I did or would they have just leave him alone to nurse his wounds?
Dumaplis sa isip ko na siguro kahit hindi na ako ang magmamahal sa kanya, when another person comes along to love him and he would happen to love back, I just hope she wouldn't give up and maybe could even do a better job at loving him or hell! She might be the only one who can save him. Kasi ako, hindi ko iyon nagawa. I was too weak to become his cure because I know what to do to get him better, but decided against it. Masyado akong mahina para maiwan na mag isa kaya hindi ko kayang mailayo siya kahit iyon naman talaga ang nararapat.
I also began to think... would I rather witness his salvation even when it was caused by the other woman than have him stay right here with me but never getting better?
Kung rati itong tinanong sa akin, tatanggi ako. Pero ngayon, iyon nga talaga ang tama. Hindi ko kayang isipin na may mga taong magtatakwil sa kanya at iiwan siya dahil lang sa hindi na sila makatiis.
Because at some point, I did that.
I may have condemned him of his past deeds, but what's most important is that he is trying to somehow rectify it. Hindi na maibabalik ang mga nagawa niya noon, pero pinagsisihan niya at nagsisikap ngayon na magbago. And I am including it in my hold, his effort to change for the better. His willingness to heal.
"Hindi na nga macho, pero magaling ka pa rin naman., 'di ba?" subok kong biro habang pinapanood ang pagsusuot niya ng shirt.
Natigilan siya sa kalagitnaan ng pagbibihis. I looked down and saw his ribs were almost sticking out of his skin. Nang bumagsak na ang shirt sa kanyang katawan ay nilantad ang pagpipigil niya ng ngiti.
The image in front struck me. It was like the old Angelov is peeking right through the narrow cracks of his fragile numbness with that dark gleam in his eyes when amused!
"Gusto mo subukan natin?" sabay ninguso ang tinatayuan namin.
I know what he meant. He's pointing his pursed lips on the floor right exactly where I lost it to him!
Umirap ako at napailing sa nag-aalab kong pisngi. Ngumisi siya. I noticed that due to the gauntness of his face, parang lalagpas na sa kaliitan ng mukha niya ang bawat dulo ng mga labi sa tuwing lumalaki ang ngisi.
Pinagmamasdan niya ako habang inaayos ang iilang gusot sa kanyang shirt. Naalala ang matagal ko na gustong ibigay, I pulled the photo right from my back pocket. I was too engrossed with making it up to school yesterday and spending the days with him that it almost slipped in my mind.
"Do you recognize him?" I asked.
He stared at the photo longer than expected. His brows fell deeper and wandered his gaze at every corners of the photo, seeking for signs. Umiling siya.
"You have the same eye color, like your mother's. But your shape resembled hers more. Larger orbs, thicker lashes. Ang bata sa litrato ay parang nanliliit at medyo strikto. I can also see a hint of his foreign blood. While yours... more Hispanic," I said like it could guide him to the clues.
His lips thinned into a hard line. "Hindi ko siya kilala."
Tumango ako. "But I still think your Mother didn't lie, Angelov. She wasn't imagining. I think your brother is real! Look at the back. Baka kilala mo ang pangalan. We can search for him!"
Binaligtad niya ang litrato para malantad ang mga letrang dinaanan ng mga patak.
"Parang narinig ko nga 'tong isa dahil laging nababanggit ni Mama. Dalawa sila. Nasaan ang isa?" Tila sarili niya ang kinakausap.
"I will ask Stephano. Siya ang nagbigay sa akin niyan. Tinatago ng Mama mo sa tuwing nakikipaglaro ng taguan sa kanya. I hope you don't mind if I... went there without you. Gusto ko lang naman silang kamustahin--"
Natigilan ako at napakurap sa biglang dampi ng mga labi niya sa ilong ko. My lips parted upon realizing what he just did. It was quick, and I was too shock to even relish it.
Mas nagulat pa ako sa lumalambot niyang mukha... sa pamumungay ng mga mata niya. But above all of it was the underlying gratefulness that he doesn't have to voice out because I've felt it.
"I missed your kisses..." he uttered in his soft rasp.
Marahan niyang kinagat ang ibabang labi at nagbaba ng tingin, halata ang pagkakahiya niya sa ginawa. Tila may bakal na kamay na lumamukot sa puso ko dahil sa matinding pagsisisi na umukit sa kanya. I could hear his deafening thoughts through these actions declaring his loss of rights to do any intimate things with me after everything he had caused. *
"Pero natatakot ako, Sam. I might stain your lips with my sins."
Well, too late, Angelov. I'm already drowning on it. And the caress of your tongue might whisper to me the memory of your death.
I don't want to say that what he did is okay, the drugs and the overdose, because it is not. It's never been okay. This is why I let him repent. I am accepting his apology through also allowing him to remain in my life. In my youth. In my memories. I allowed his wounds to desire my own dark pains as I have permitted myself to take part in his redemption.
But not as someone who will be the absolute cause and reason for it. Kahit hindi na ang pagmamahal ko ang magiging dahilan sa paghilom ng mga sugat niya. Kahit hindi na ako o ang iba ang aahon sa kanya mula sa pagluluksa. But maybe if we will do it together, if we are side by side, maybe in my support of him to get better will also guide me to my own healing.
Though, I can still see it. The longing, the craving... and how he shuts himself out at random moments. I never show it to him but it hurts me to see him pretend all over again that he's embracing second life. And I was always beside myself at the very thought of leaving him alone, dahil kung siguro maiiwan siyang mag-isa ay baka maghahanap ito ng paraan.
Thankfully we've already gotten rid of them. I buried the rest in a far-off place without leaving a single crumb. Pinatulong ko pa siya sa akin na mag-linis ng buong buhay para matiyak na walang matitira ni alikabok ng ginamit niya. Alam kong kailangan niyang kontrolin ang sarili sa tuwing mag-isa siya at dahil unang hakbang pa lamang ito, hindi iyon magiging madali. *
And being here, it doesn't mean I have completely forgotten what happened. Staying with him doesn't equal to condoning his past crimes. Through remaining despite the sins and the scars, my love prevailed above hatred. Good intentions reigned above fear, and hope stood over the many faces of defeat.
"May iba ka pa yatang tinatago sa akin." I said shrewdly, remembering a day upon the mere thought of cleaning their house.
Nagtataka niya akong tinignan.
A slow smile crept on my lips as I turned around and reached the table filled with the other paint cans. May natatanging maliit na drawer iyon kung saan ko natagpuan ang isang papel. It was full of draft scratches, doodles, and some stains of paint, para bang sinusulat niya ito pagkatapos magpinta.
I didn't read the whole of it thinking that it's confidential. But then I saw my name on the middle part of what seems to be a poetry. Nilahad ko iyon sa kanya.
His lips parted before he closed his eyes ever so tightly. "Shit..."
Natawa ako. "What? Read it to me."
Nanatiling mariin ang pagpikit, kinagat niya ang ibabang labi saka umiling. I could sense how embarassed he must have been. His blushing, this is the first color revealed after being pallid for how many months.
"Hindi lang kasi iyan binabasa..." he grunted, almost whispering that I barely heared it.
Nagbaba ako ng tingin at binasa ang unang linya. "You mean... Is this a song?"
Nakadilat na siya pero iniiwas naman ang mga pares ng gabing hinahabol ko. I felt bad harassing him like this so I should stop. Lalo ko lamang yata siyang pinapahiya.
"It's okay," I smiled. "Kailan mo sinulat?"
Bumaba na sa sahig ang paningin niya. "Matagal na. Bago ang lahat ng ito."
Bago nawala ang Mama mo? An afterthought.
"Noong... dinala kita sa gig namin, umaangkas ka sa motor," dagdag niya. "Noong umaga na kita naibalik sa inyo..."
I remember... and I doubted him when he told me the night prior that he doesn't love, only to redeem it at the end by reminding me I wasn't alone. Hanggang ngayon, palaisapan pa rin sa akin ang ibig niyang sabihin doon.
I peered down on the thin paper and found it trembling within my hold. I bit a little on my bottom lip as I thought of what I was about to ask of him.
"Can you... sing it to me?" I carried the tone with caution.
Nang manumbalik ang tingin ay sinalubong ito ng gulat na mula sa kanya. I can see he wasn't expecting my simple request, or is it really simple? Kung ganito na kabigat ang reaksyon niya ay hind yata magiging simple lang ito para sa kanya.
"I mean..." kumambyo ko.
"Ayos lang..." he said under his breath.
Sandali kong hinayaan ang gulat na manirahan sa akin. Umiling ako, ipapaalam na sanang huwag nang ipilit. Natigil lamang ako sa paghakbang niya palapit. Bago pa ako makaatras para sana bigyan siya ng puwang ay hinuli niya ang mga braso ko at ipinirmi ako sa kinatatayuan.
He's struggling to hold himself, I can see that. But then his sheer determination also didn't escape me. His inward battle against fear is evident through the deep crease in between his brows.
Para hindi awkward para sa aming dalawa na nakatingin lamang siya sa akin o sa sahig, nilapat ko ang mga kamay sa kanyang dibdib at dahan-dahang sinunod ang aking ulo. I got stunned for a moment upon hearing the wilderness which is his fast pounding heartbeat.
Hindi ko namalayan na hawak ko pa ang papel. I was about to hand it to him thinking that he might need it when his chest vibrated, and the rumble of his humming coursed through my hearing... down to my chest.
"Sa liwanag ng buwan, sinisinagan ang ating paglisan.
Ang araw ay hindi naman nagmamadali,
kaya sana huwag munang matapos ang dugtong ng hatinggabi."
Nahuli ko ang pamamaos ng boses niya. He didn't really try hard to perfect his voice but it was enough for me to feel how raw it is. Napakurap-kurap ako sa paglapat ng kamay niya sa aking baywang. At hindi namalayan na pinadulas ko rin ang kamay ko pataas hanggang sa kumakapit na ako sa leeg niya.
Sa babaeng nagmamay ari ng brasong yakap ako.
Isandal ang iyong mukha sa balikat ko.
Let me feel your warm breath against my cheek.
While I'm driving slow. Idilat ang mga mata mo't samahan ako."
I chuckled at the mixture of words. Natawa rin siya at lumuwang na ang kapit ng tensyon nang masabayan na ako. I swayed us, at first he was hesitant but I didn't stop until he joined me in our simple slow dance.
Kaya lang ay hindi na umiimik. I checked the paper to see if that was all there is. Nakita ko na mahaba pa ang kanta. Hindi ko alam kung nakalimutan niya o ano. Sa halip na pilitin siya ay binasa ko na lang ang sunod na linya nang hindi kami tumitigil.
"Ayokong mag-isa. Hindi ako nag-iisa sa 'yo. Ayoko nang mag-isa. Diyan ka lang, para ikaw at ako lamang..."
Humina ang sayaw sa unti unti kong pagtigil. Awang ang mga labi at namumuo ang luha nang binulong ko na lamang ang sumunod.
"Hindi ako nag-iisa sa 'yo. Ayoko nang mag-isa. Dito ka sa aking tabi. Ikaw at ako lamang. Ikaw at ako..."
Tumigil ako. Tulala sa papel at naramdaman ang pananahimik ng lahat maliban sa mga luhang bumubuhos. Nakakapanghina...
Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ni ANgelov sa mga panahong ito, at mapahanggang ngayon man. He never spoke of love to me. But why? Why does this sound like he was begging to the world or convincing himself more as he was writing this?
Angelov remained on his spot, pero kalaunan ay binabaon ang mukha sa balikat ko at siya na ang nagmando ng mumunting sayaw namin. And I ... I remain stunned and frozen.
"Nilalamig ka ba, sinta? Susunduin tayo ng umaga kaya huwag nang mag-alala...." he continued hum singing.
"Bumabalot na ang kahel at dilaw.
Huwag nang tanggalin ang jacket mong bughaw
Hayaan ang buhok mong rosas at ginto
Na tumama sa mukha ko nang malaman kong hindi ka naglalaho. *
"Hindi ka nag-iisa. Ayaw mo nang magisa..." bulong ko dahil hindi na naman siya umiimik sa bahaging ito.
"Dito lang ako, para ako at ikaw lamang. Huwag mo nang saktan ang sarili mo. Para sa 'yo ako ay magbabago. Hindi ka nag-iisa. Ikaw at ako lang, Samara..."
Bigo akong sabihin ang huli, inuunahan ng pangangatal ng mga labi ko. I bit them so hard they bleed just so they would stop trembling, pero huminto man sila ay hindi ang walang katapusang lagaslas ng talon sa mga mata ko.
Hindi ko na malaman kung saya pa ba itong naninirahan sa puso ko dahil bakit ang sakit? Nanghahapding dibdib na para itong pinupunit ngunit hindi mapawi-pawi ang aking ngiti? I was trying so hard to suppress the sound of my sobs that my face twisted, my nose crinkled and I couldn't face Angelov because I look ghastly! Sa kapal ng mga luha sa pisngi ko ay parang buong mukha ko na ang nababasa.
"Ilang hiling mo ang tinupad sa bagyo ng bulalakaw?
Kaya ba nitong ibalik, ako at ikaw?
Sa himig ng nakaraan, sama ka ba?
Ikukulong ko tayo sa rehas ng dekada nobenta..."
I sucked in a long gasp and pulled myself to face him. Alam kong may karugtong pa iyon pero hindi ko na kaya. Nahihirapan na akong huminga! Nanlalabo ang mukha niya sa paningin ko, parang alaalang lumalayo habang ako ang panay na humahabol. Alaalang kumukupas na patuloy kong hinuhukay.
Angelov stopped singing the moment I framed his face with my hands. Natulala siya sa nakikitang estado ng mukha ko. Napansin ko ang pag-angat ng kamay niya sa gilid, siguro para punasan ang mga luha pero umiling ako.
"Does you offer still stand, Lov?"
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Offer?"
I nodded. "Marriage."
Umawang ang bibig niya, hindi inasahan na mabubuksan pa muli ang paksa pagkatapos ko itong tuldukan.
"Kahit kailan mo gusto, Sam..."
Tumatango na ako bago pa siya matapos. "I want it this week or the next. Or depends on the processing. We'll get married as soon as we have all the requirements and the license."
Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa aking mga mata. At the same time his tears resurfaced in his eyes while staring at me, amazed by my plans.
"Paano si Ate Meow? Kung magpapakasal ka sa 'kin, kailangan mong sabihin sa Ate mo, Sam. You're nineteen. You still need the consent because for sure, your parents will never agree to this."
Natahimik ako roon, natantong masyado akong nagpadalos-dalos. But even so! I still allowed my mind to work its gears. Sana nga lang ay posible ito.
"W-we'll keep it a secret." I looked at him to see his reaction. "I will ask Inay Hirelda to be there, to write the consent."
Nanatili ang pag-aalinlangan kay Angelov sa pagkukunot-noo niya.
"Sigurado ka ba? When I asked you to marry me, I didn't mean it has to be now."
Umiling ako para tuluyang ikalma ang kanyang pangamba at hinigpitan ang kuwadro ko sa mukha niya. I could have been laughing 'cause it seem like I am squeezing his face with the way his lips pouted. But I was desperate! At ang mga nalaman kong balita sa pamilya ko ang naging gatilyo para mabuo ang desisiyon kong ito.
"Let's get married, Angelov. For real. With the papers, the consent and everything! At habang nasa rehab ka, mag-asawa pa rin tayo at kapag ayos ka na, uuwi ka sa akin tapos ako... sa 'yo. I will study hard while you will also do your best, okay?"
Bumubuhos ang luha ko at nanginginig ang tinig habang sinasaad ang plano.
"Kahit ganito ako?"
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
Pinasidahan niya ang sarili. Dinig ko ang pamamaos ng boses niya sa marahan niyang tawa. When he looked at me, a forlorn tear escaped from his left eye.
"Hindi na ako macho."
"I don't care!" Natatawa kong sabi at hinila ko ang mukha niya at sinalubong siya ng halik.
I caught how his eyes closed sincerely tight before touching his sinful lips on mine.
It wasn't a short and quick process like what I wanted. Handa na rin naman ang ibang dokumento pero ang sa iba ay aabutin pa ng ilang araw bago ito matanggap. Also secretely, we attended the one-day seminar which was needed because of our age. Sunod naming nilakad ay ang consent. Even when Angelov is already of right age at twenty one, he too still needs it.
Hindi ko nga lang alam kung kanino niya hihingin iyon. Hindi puwede si Charlie dahil mas bata iyon sa kanya. Lemuel? I'm not even sure of his age but he looks older though.
Four days after, I had to call the mansion and can only pray that my Mother wasn't there.
"Hija, sino ba itong pakakasalan mo at hindi ko kilala?"
Ramdam kong mahihimatay na ang matanda sa kabilang linya nang isinatinig ko ang hininging pabor.
"Please, Inay Hirelda, please. I will explain to you everything. Please..."
It wasn't easy convincing her. It took a lot of explanations before she finally gave up and agreed to write the form and appear infront of the civil registrar. Mahigpit na yakap ang sinalubong niya sa akin nang makita ako.
"Masaya ka ba, hija? Sigurado ka ba rito sa naging desisyon mo? Kapag malaman ito ng Mama mo--"
Panay ang tango ko. "I'm sure of this, Inay."
She stared at me with adoration. Unang pagkikita namin ito pagkatapos ng pag-alis ko sa bahay noong nakaraang taon kaya nakaramdam din ako ng masakit na kasiyahan. I missed her, too. She's always taken care of me. She was the one who stood up as a mother to me all these years.
"Ang laki na ng pinagbago mo sa isang taon lang. Pero sana ang pagbabago mong iyan ay makakabuti sa 'yo, Deirdre. Hindi makakapagpahamak sa iyo at sa iba."
Matagal kong pinag isipan ang sinabi niya. I thought about the things I did right and wrong and sealed those memories when she wrapped me in her arms. I can only give her the same warmth and a smile.
"Haay... dati rati noong bata ka pa ay nagpapakandong ka pa sa akin. Ngayon ay iba na ang kakandungan mo."
"Inay!" Namumula ang mukha ko nang bumitaw sa yakap.
The crow's feet etched around the corners of her eyes deepened as she laughed.
"O siya, hindi na ako magtatagal. Tumakas lang talaga ako sa mansyon. Kailangan nila ako ngayon sa paghahanda para sa pagtitipon sa susunod na linggo."
My smile fell. "There will be a party?"
She sighed. "Inimbitahan muli ang mga Silvestre. Isang maagang selebrasyon dahil kampante silang mananalo ang Papa mo. At isa pa, darating ang anak nilang si Quentin kaya parang magiging kumpleto ang naroon sa salu-salo."
Kumpleto? Kumpleto na wala ako at si Ate?
Bakit bigla akong dinapuan ng kaba? The notion glowed as I also recalled her calling my sister and even spoke about Mother mentioning me. Kung sa ibang sitwasyon ay marahil babalewalain ko lamang ito, o baka nga masisiyahan pa ako. Yet the mere idea of it alone seems loaded. At the same time, why is this new information makes this marriage a good decision?
Na siyang taliwas sa naging sentimiyento ni Sydney nang nakipagkita ako kinabukasan. I had to skip my classes. Maliban sa pagiging abala sa pagpoproseso sa kasal ay hindi ko rin maatim ang mga tingin at bulong-bulungang natatanggap ko. I felt bad that I had to reason out to my sister I still go to school when I was doing otherwise.
"D, what are you doing?" Kabado niyang tanong na halata ang pangangapa ng balanse sa naging pasya ko.
I just asked Sydney to be one of the witnesses. For Angelov, he got Charlie.
"Magpapakasal ka? Akala ko ay ire-rehab siya?" Si Evrose sa tabi ni Syd.
"We'll get married first before he goes to rehab."
Umasa akong mapapanatag sila pagkatapos ng sinabi ko. I thought it was that simple given that they are trusted friends of mine. I was positive that convincing them would be easier than how I did with Inay Hirelda. But surveying at their faces, nakadagdag pa yata ito sa alalahanin nila.
"How did you come up with this? For sure you have your reason. Hindi lang dahil sa gusto niyong magpakasal! I mean..." she sighed and looked around like she just lost half of her thoughts somewhere.
"I'm not really sure about this for you. Just think about it, ha? He's still recovering from a drug overdose and who knows? I've been there, Deirdre! Giving that man his second chance over and over only for him to end up turning into a monster!" Sydney finished her thoughts frantically.
I understand Sydney's grievances. But in this case, I don't think she's talking about Angelov. This cautionary tale, she is talking about her past experience, her trauma.
Hindi ko na matukoy kung balido pa ba itong mga dinadala kong rason kung ikukumpara sa dahilan niyang makatuwiran. But I will try. She might also find the good reason on me. Sa huli ay iba-iba pa rin naman kami ng pinanghuhugutan. We may endure the same pain now but in the end, we still go through different experiences.
"Si Mommy. Dad is running for Mayor. They're close with the Silvestre's. At nag-usap kami ni Inay Hirelda. Tumawag din siya kay Ate at sinabing binanggit ako ni Graciella. Now what does that mean because for all I know, Graciella hates me."
Tama nga ako na hindi ito tatanggapin ni Syd. Disappointment in her face was laced with sadness. Naalala ko tuloy ang mga pasa at sugat niya noon na ngayo'y nakikitaan na ng paghihilom.
"Hindi kaya you're just overthinking this? Hindi sa tutol kami pero alalahanin mo iyong nangyari, D. Joaquin, Mother, Angelov, drugs, addiction, the cycle goes on! At saka ang aga pa para sa inyo. You're deciding a marriage at the middle of crisis! At ano naman kung binabanggit ka ng Mommy mo? What if wala palang ibig sabihin iyon?"
Natahimik ako. Deep inside I was shaken. I can imagine my own self tiptoeing on a thin string, trying not to check what is waiting down further if I ever fail to maintain my balance and fall. I believe I'm rushing this, sa takot ko na rin na maunahan ng kung ano man.
"What is it, Ev?"
Natuon ang tingin ko kay Evrose dahil sa napansin ng girlfriend niya. She seems to be taking this talk seriously.
"I heard of the news, and yes it's true that your father is right on the advantage point. And his alliance with the Silvestre is considered a sure seat in the office. If he wins, the more exposed he is to the public, not that he isn't well-recognized enough in the business but he's more involved out there as the toast in the town. Once the people find out that Mayor Vidaurri has two estranged daughters, I wonder what would they think of him as a father? As a person? Do you think this is going to affect your family's mark in the society? Sa tingin niyo, babalewalain lang ito ng masa?"
Napagigitnaan ako ng pagkamangha at kaba sa nahihinuha ni Evrose. I think I found the missing piece that caused me sleepless nights for!
"At nabanggit mo ring usap-usapan ka na sa school mo bilang anak ng isang Graciella Vidaurri. I wonder what your classmates have uncovered from you. At kung makarating man iyon sa Mommy mo..."
"Your Mom never likes bad publicity. She's upholding her reputation!" dagdag ni Sydney na unti-unti nang naliliwanagan.
"And have you heard the news?" dugtong ni Evrose. "Pinagkakaguluhan din ngayon sa balita ang pamangkin ng isang Silvestre na isa sa mga kumakandidatong Senador. The youngest successor of the Silvestre legacy is back in the country... single. A bachelor."
Evrose dropped the news to me like a bomb. Sumabay ang kalabog sa dibdib ko at pinalala pa sa marahas na pagsinghap ni Sydney. Nanginginig ang kamay niya na inaabot ang kamay ko. It's cold.
" 'Di ba pinagkasundo kayo ng Mommy mo noon?. It caused you to run away that night when they were just about to announce your engagement to him!"
Tahimik ako pero sa pinakaloob ay kumukulo na ang takot. I feel like any moment by now my heart is going to explode.
"I think this is what your best friend has been trying to enlighten us, By..." Evrose to Sydney.
"If that's the case then..."
Hindi kami tiyak kung iyong mga nahihinuha namin ay talaga bang mangyayari. But knowing my parents most especially my Mom, it is possible. She will pull all the stops just to get what she wants. Just to sweep all the bad elements away that will associate with her name and our family.
And with our deduction, I started to connect this with what Ate Merewald has warned me about. In some ways, it makes sense!
"But why me?"
Sydney's eyes widened. "Well Ate Merewald can't. She's like... ten years older than the boy Silvestre. Maiihi si Graciella Vidaurri niyan sa age gap nila!"
Naluluha ko silang tinignang dalawa, lalo na ang matalik kong kaibigan. I licked my lips as I try organize how to properly ask them again. Lalo na ngayong desidido na ako.
"Please be my witness..."
If for the adults, marriage will be more of a blessing. For the young, it is a risk. I don't think it's ever a risk when you already know what's waiting in the end. Because in risking, your belief is uncertain. Your courage? Absolute.
Living with Graciella for some time doesn't mean I didn't learn anything. Ano man ang magiging kalalabasan nito, hindi maitatanggi na naunahan ko na siya.
But I don't want this marriage to get stained by abhorrence or selfish purposes. That I went for marriage just to spite my mother or get ahead of her. That this marriage is nothing but a preemptive strike against her. No. Call me impulsive or a poor mind, pero balak na rin naman namin ito ni Angelov. Pinapaudlot lamang bilang konsiderasyon na rin sa mga kaibigan niya.
But I don't want to stall this any longer, lalo na't kailangan na niyang maipasok sa rehab.
Kinagabihan ay sa bahay niya ako nagpalipas. I asked Ate's permission and to my surprise, she agreed. Alam siguro na delikado pa kapag maiiwan siyang mag-isa.
"Lemuel offered. May mga kakilala siyang tao para mas mapadali ang proseso ng mga dokumento. I'm just telling you, I hope you don't mind."
Natagalan ako sa pagresponde dahil pinagmamasdan ang seryosong ginagawa nito sa litrato. He was writing something at the back of it.
"I don't." I lifted a gaze at him and smiled.
Nahuli ang tingin ko sa ginagawa ay ibinaba niya ang ballpen at hinarap ako. Ang laki ng ngisi ko ay unti-unting bumabagsak nang mapansin na hindi man lang niya sinuklian. But his blatant survey of my body triggred the warmth inside me. Napalunok ako at mas nag init pa ang pakiramdam nang matanto ang dahilan ng napakaseryoso niyang mukha na tutungo na sa galit.
I'm covered only by my bra and panties. Though I really don't mind since I've grown to be comfortable around him now. May mga pagkakataon pa nga na sa tuwing nagbibihis ako ay hindi ko na tinatakpan sa harap niya. Siya rin naman. And so far, he's been a good boy. Though I can still see his struggle to control himself. Katulad ngayon na umiiwas siya ng tingin at buntong hiningang tumungo sa banyo.
Sa pagpihit ay natigil ako sa biglang buhos ng alaala. My gaze directed at the floor near the window. Sa isang pagkurap ay mariing tinamaan ng hapdi ang mga mata ko. I found ache in every blink and opening my eyes, but shutting will also mean looking back at his body lying on the floor, lifeless and cold, as the sun reaches out dearly to the long night.
I wondered how cold the floor feels on my back if I lie on it?
Natagpuan ko ang sariling lumapit doon. I stared at the floor for a whole long minute, picturing out his still body. Almost naked and without any hesitation, I lay myself on the floor right where I found him.
Lamig... hindi ko namalayan kung gaano katagal akong tulala roon habang sinusubukan kong damhin ang bawat paghihirap na pinag-aagawan siya ng buhay at kamatayan.
"Sam?"
I opened my eyes and found Angelov standing beside my foot, a towel on his shoulder, his shadow towering over my body, confused. I can imagine. Kung saan siya ngayon ay parang diyan din ako nakatayo nang matagpuan siya.
"Anong ginagawa mo?" halos pagalit niyang tanong.
Matagal akong tumitig. I just couldn't stop talking about it since this is what I see everytime. The ache in his eyes in every faces he shows. Kahit pagtataka, tawa o ngiti... laging may ukit na sakit.
Like his eyes were authentically made of sorrow, crafted by the hands of grief.
Despite what I see, I forced a smile. I reached out my hand to him. Hindi naman niya ako binigo nang tinanggap niya ito sa kabila ng pagkakalito. I pulled him and even when confused, there were no questions asked when he lay right next to me.
He turned so we'd face each other. He mirrored my position of sidelying with both hands under the cheek.
"Anong ginagawa natin, Sam?" may garalgal sa boses niya.
I let silence passed by us for a moment when I uttered the lines out of the blue. One look at him and I already knew just what to say.
"In pain and in joy. In life and in grim. In tears and in blood, 'til death we never part..."
His brows knitted together. Hindi alam kung mas malilito pa o namamangha na ba. While I chuckled as I realized I just created my own vow.
I reached for his lips and caressed it like a whisper. Awang ang mga labi niya habang nakatitig sa akin, pumipikit-pikit ang namumungay na mga mata sa bawat haplos ko.
"I want to feel how the pain consumed you as you fought for the last breath. I found you here, Angelov, and you may have been revived, but the mere thought that you died... " I sucked in a deep breath and realized I wasn't breathing. Umiling ako. "I can't imagine if you're not... alive. Determinado na akong sundan ka..."
"Sam," he choked. Numipis ang kanyang mga labi sa mariing pagsara.
Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at nilagay sa kanyang pisngi. He shook his head, silently reprimanding me, as thick tears started to build up in his eyes. And in that minute, we closed our eyes. In silence we agreed that for just this fleeting moment we allow ourselves to die... together.