~Zacharias~
Thursday August 18
It's mourning. The magnificent sun rises and roars with ferocity like livid lions in deep pits. Through the windows, the color and shine splash onto my cold body. I feel lifeless, here in my lonely chambers. My eyes shot an icy stares to the blank ceiling. I felt the heavy bags under my eyes, I felt my bones sink into the mattress. I was so tired, but I just couldn't sleep. I haven't slept at all last night. Voices rang back and forth in my head. All I could think about was Catherine, and what she plans to do. And all through out the dark and silent night, my heart cried out for Francis. Francis, my brother. He's so young, only nineteen. I didn't want him to be caught up in this. I have to protect him no matter what. But what can I do? I want to go back in time, back to when he was a baby. I want to hold him again, and keep him safe. But he's growing up, I can't shelter him forever.
I heard a gentle rapping at my bedroom door,but I didn't have the strength to summon an answer. They knocked again, forcefully. "Master, 'Tis breakfast time. May I come in?" I still didn't answer. "Milord, are you there?" He slowly unlocked the door. "Oh Milord I was worried."
It was Sebastian. He was the last person I wanted to see, but I needed to see someone. I needed to speak to somebody, to release the weight on my shoulders. Sebastian came over to my bedside and softly rested a tray of food on my night stand. For at least five minutes we sat in silence. My eyes were simply glue to the ceiling, and I felt Sebastian eyes crawling all over me, like flies on pound flesh. It was a battle between us. We fought for the right to remain silent, awaiting the other to say what needs to be spoken. I know he knows what happened, he always does. And I was fighting to find the words to say. Sorrow filled my empty heart, and all I wanted to do was pour my feelings to Sebastian. But that's not smart. What should I do? What could I do? What do others expect me to do? What do I want to do?
"Sebastian?" I whispered softly. I didn't expect him to hear me, but he replied immediately.
"Why don't you take the day off Milord?" He started to fix up my breakfast. I slowly sat up, and he fixed the pillow to support my aching back.
"Take the day off?" I asked.
"Yes, with Francis. The boy is young, he should have fun. Brothers should bond don't you think?" He fed me. Spoons full of porridge filled my mouth and slithered down my throat with a soft and creamy warmth.
"With Francis." I repeated.
"Yes, Milord. Might I suggest, a worthy distraction? Francis is of age for marriage no? Might he be interested in finding a lady?" I felt excitement shoot up through my veins. Marriage, yes. The baby is aborted, Catherine and I are wed, and Francis is married. This whole mess will be covered up, and Francis will be happy.
"Sebastian, summon Francis."
***
"You've gone wankers!" Francis laughed at my proposal, shamelessly and with so much cheer. We were sitting together on the palace balcony. We had pints of alcohol in our hands and smiles on our faces. It feels so bizarre having a drink with my little brother, but it fills me with joy and pride.
"Let's just think about it for a moment alright. You have a really big privilege. You don't have to limit yourself to to bitchy, horny, conceded, hob knocking, clown-looking women of the first estate. You can be with absolutely anyone in the world." I laughed.
"I'll drink to that!" Our glasses clinked and we laughed together. It was the first time I felt really happy in a while. We stopped laughing, and sighed. My eyes went back to Francis, whose eyes looked out towards the world in wonder. His brown eyes were filled with hope and happiness. He has such a graceful smile on his face, so warm and bright. The wind gently caressed his dark blonde hair. He looks a lot like father, beautiful and ambitious. I envy him, he has so much freedom.
"You know, you don't have to be trapped here." I reminded him.
"What do you mean?"
"You can go anywhere, do anything." He gently smiled at me.
"Well, what if I wanted to be here, with you?" His eyes were so deep and compassionate. Those eyes had that same shine as when he was a child. I couldn't let him stay here, this world of corruption. It's a sin for something so beautiful to remain here, lying with the corrupt. He just doesn't know. He thinks this is a palace when in truth, it's a prison. He doesn't belong here.
"Do you know what you're first word was?" I asked him. He laughed.
"You mean 'Sac'? Hah, yea I remember. I still can't believe it." I remember the goofy smile on his face when he said it. We were playing together. I was swinging him around in the air, and making dragon sounds as he flew. His eyes lit up and he spoke. "Sac", I remember how it lifted my spirits. My little Francis. "Hey, where's Catherine by the way? I haven't seen her around." My eyes flew open and I felt a little unbalanced. I started to cough.
"Um, pardon me?"
"Catherine, Haven't seen her since yesterday."
"Um, she'll be gone uh, for a couple of weeks... hey uh so marriage?"
"C'mon, Zach. Marriage is you know, it weighs you down. I wanna see the world, I want adventure." He has so much aspiration.
"But you should at least go on a couple of dates, there has to be somebody."
"Well... I have met this girl"
"WHO!" I got overexcited. Brimming with joy I accidentally dropped my pint. On this high balcony, Francis and I watched it fall, and fall, and fall. Then suddenly, gravity pulled it towards the earth with a heavy crash. Servant girl came, looking up at us in fright. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"My apologies!" she quickly scurried to clean up the mess. Francis laughed like a mad man, holding his stomach in his hands as his violent laughter shook him aggressively.
"You fool! You could have killed someone." He said between gasps and laughs.
"Well, I didn't. So there!" The both of us roared together with laughter, and then we cried, wallowing in our foolishness. I felt like a child again. Then we got back on track.
"You still haven't told me about this girl." His face started to blush slightly, and he turned away as he spoke.
"Well.. um." He fidgeted with his hands.
"What's her name?"
"You see, I don't really-"
"Do you not know?"
"No I just-"
"How do you not know?"
"Well I-"
"Francis, what have I taught you about-"
"Zach! Shut up!" He playful shoved me in chest.
"What does she look like? Where does she live? Is she a serf? You didn't have sex with her already did you? Are you still a virgin by the way? God knows I wasn't when I was your age." I spilled question after question, laughing at his frustration.
"I don't need to know that, keep such information to yourself."
"Do you plan to marry her? What will you name the children? We need some more women in the family don't you think?" He covered my mouth with his hand, shushing me.
"Isn't that you and Catherine's job?" My breath cut short again. Catherine, I wonder if she would have had a daughter. Francis, I know he probably would hate fathering Catherine's child, but he would probably hate me more for lying to him. I pray that he would never have to discover the truth. "Oi! Are you alright?"
"What?"
"Every time I mention Catherine you just zone out. Is there something I should know?" Here's my chance, I should just tell him the truth now. He's not a child anymore, he needs to know. He deserves to know that he's a father. He deserves to know what he's done, even though he was under a spell. He, of all people, deserves to know. The words were coming, pushing themselves up my throat. I felt their horrible taste in my mouth as the slither to the tip of my tongue. I tear open my lips to speak, but then I stop. I had to think this through.
If I tell him, he'll claim the dead child, and that would start controversy with the King of Scotland. Catherine would be shamed and sent back to Scotland where she will be charged with the murder of her child. Francis will suffer, and the true culprit will go free. If I keep this a secret, I have time to find the culprit and dispose of him quietly. The baby will be gone, and everything would go back to normal. Francis wouldn't have to know anything, he wouldn't have to suffer. Everything could to return back to the way they were.
"I, uh. I'm just... I feel guilty for the way I treat her. I treat her as if she is less than a human being. That is wrong of me." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth either.
"Is that so? Well then try to make things right with her when she comes back. You guys might not be in love with each other, but you need to get along." He pat my back gently and gave me a reassuring smile. This isn't right. If Francis were to discover the truth, he wouldn't forgive me. I robbed him of a child. I smiled back at him. I have to make sure he lives a happy life, and that he never finds out about this.
"You are a virgin right?" I asked.
"Yes, yes I am a virgin alright." He smiled. I frowned, that wasn't true. I felt like a part of me was robbing him of his innocence as well.
"Alright, alright. After all this time you have yet to speak of the girl!"
"Maybe, I don't want to." he made footsteps towards the door.
"Oi! You can't just leave like that, without so much of an explanation!"
"Then come with me. We could see her together." He's going to see her? And he's bringing me along? Well it's a distraction, why not?
"Let's go then."