"Send more letters to my parents and do better in divination."
"You're already at the top of all your classes but you still add that to your new year's resolutions?" Cian asks me.
"I'm very close to being kicked out of the top in the class in divination, Rose is amazing at it." I defend my New Year Resolution.
"You can't be amazing at it, it's a load of rubbish."
"Aw, you're sad because you're bad at it?" I tease him.
We're lying down on the couch in my Common Room, lit by the firelight as everyone else sleeps. Cian had snuck into my dorm to see me because we had both been so busy the past few days with no time to see each other.
"I'm not bad at it like I said, it's a load of rubbish!"
"Just admit you're bad at it!" I laugh.
He rolls his eyes and kisses me on the cheek.
"See, now you're just avoiding the question," I protest.
"I should go," he says, yawning. He gets off the couch but I grab his arm and pull him back down.
"Just stay," I whine. "Just a few more minutes."
"If someone sees me here so late I'll get in trouble."
I ignore his logic and give him a kiss. He smiles and lies back down on the couch with me.
The reason I ask him to stay is because I don't want to go back to feeling alone. And lately, he's been all I have.
****
I wish I could ask Rose for advice right about now.
I'm standing in the middle of Zonkos Joke Shop in Hogsmeade holding a gift that would be perfect for Scorpius. His birthday is on Monday and I still haven't spoken to him since the Quidditch game. Sure, I've seen him in the hall a few times since Winter break ended, but I always avoided eye contact or walked away. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of what he has to say to me or what I have to say to him. And I think my worst fear is that we don't have anything to say at all.
So, I hold the perfect gift in my hand and think about how Albus, Rose and Scorpius are probably all enjoying a butterbeer together in the Three Broomsticks right about now. I wonder if they say anything bad about me. Fortunately, I doubt that's the case.
Rose and I still talk and hang out occasionally. Albus and I still share the same cousin bond, but I see him less than Rose. So, I'd say I'm on good terms with the two of them. But overall, our old friend group has now become a trio that I, unfortunately, am not part of.
"You ready to go?" Cian asks, appearing behind me. "What's that?" He eyes the gift in my hand.
"Oh, it's nothing." I quickly stash the gift away on the shelf and exit the shop, hand in hand with Cian.
As we walk through the streets of Hogsmeade, I briefly forget all my worries and just take in the world around me. Hogsmeade this time of year is beautiful. The shops are covered lightly in snow, there are little merchants lining the street selling all sorts of things and the lights hung from Christmas are still lining the streets. It's peaceful but also busy. There are couples on dates, friends laughing and professors keeping an eye on the students.
As we walk through the streets Cian pulls me to a bench near the entrance of the Three Broomsticks and sits down with me.
"I have something for you," he admits as he reaches into his coat pocket.
I smile softly.
"I thought we weren't getting each other Christmas gifts," I say, feeling guilty I don't have anything for him.
He waves away my comment.
"It's January now, Christmas is over. Just consider this a... spur of the moment gift." He hands me a small box with a gold ribbon wrapped around it.
"Go on, open it!"
I remove my mittens and slowly untie the ribbon and open the box. Inside is a gold necklace with a deep blue pendant at the bottom.
"Cian," I say softly, as I remove the necklace from the box. It was nice, but in all honesty, not quite my style and the pendant was a little big for my taste, but I really did appreciate it. It was sweet. I give him a kiss on the cheek in thanks.
"You like it?" His eyes are hopeful, waiting for my reassurance.
"I do, I love it," I say, not wanting to hurt his feelings.
"Thank God," he exhales. I saw the blue and it reminded me of Ravenclaw, and well you are my favourite Ravenclaw. I just had to get it for you."
My heart flutters at the fact that there are things that remind him of me, but I can't say the same.
"I just don't know where you would have gotten this in Hogsmeade," I inquire. "I don't reckon they sell jewelry at Scrivenshaft's Quill shop."
"Ok... you got me. I may have bought it over the break," he admits.
"So it is a Christmas gift!"
He puts his hands up in surrender as he laughs.
"I'm sorry! I just really wanted to get you something."
"Well, I guess I can maybe forgive you," I say jokingly as I close the box and put my mittens back on.
"Wait- you're not going to put it on?" He asks, his voice sounding slightly upset.
"Um-" I think about the necklace that already claims the spot around my neck. The Snitch necklace Scorpius gifted me on Christmas in our first year, that I hadn't taken off since. It was one of my most loved possessions.
"Come on, I'll put it on for you." Cian gently turns me around and unclasps the Snitch necklace and hands it to me. As he places the new one around my neck I stare at the one in my hands and can't help but wonder, did he buy me a necklace so I'd take this one off? Did it bother him that I still wore the necklace that Scorpius gifted me?
No, no way. He's not that overprotective.
"There," he says proudly, as the new necklace is fastened around my neck. I turn back around to thank him again, but when I do I meet eyes with my three friends, who are standing a few feet behind him at the entrance of the Three Broomsticks, watching us.
I don't bother looking for Scorpius' reaction to me taking off his necklace, because I need to learn not to care so much about him. I'm happy with Cian. Why can't I just be happy without worrying about my happiness affecting him? His distance from me has clearly shown he doesn't care about me anymore, so why should I care for him?
So instead of telling Cian that I like my Snitch necklace more, and how much it means to me, I take his face in my hands and gave him a big kiss.
By the time I pull away, my friends are gone.
****
I only had so much time to think about boys and friends before I needed to re-center my focus on my academics. January and February are the last peaceful months until the feeling of exams comes creeping into the hallways of the castle.
As the snow melts the library slowly gets more filled, students are reading as they eat their meals and notes are being taken every second in class. Thankfully for me, exam time gave me an excuse to see Rose more. We have always been great study buddies, and with all the weirdness in our friend group, I hadn't been seeing her much. It was still early for exam studying, but I convinced Rose we should get a head start when in reality I just missed her. So, every Wednesday me and her would sit in our usual spot in the library and review and compare notes. It quickly became my favourite part of the week. Albus began to join us although most times when he was there it would be less studying and more joking around. Rose was annoyed by it, but I have always been a fan of Albus being able to make anything lighthearted. I also had a gut feeling that he wasn't here to study but because he missed me just like I missed him.
The three of us never spoke about Scorpius and he never joined us. It was our unspoken rule. They wouldn't mention him and I wouldn't ask about him, no matter how badly I wanted to. And so we would talk about anything and everything other than him- until today.
"Did you guys get your exam schedule yet?" I ask as I arrive at the library, finding Albus and Rose in our usual spot.
"Dream on Lannah, it's not even April yet. Exams aren't for months," Albus says as he rests his feet on the table, leaning his chair back.
"Mr. Potter!" The librarian flicks her wand and Albus's legs are forced off the table.
"Sorry Madam Irma," he says, flashing her an innocent grin.
She shakes her head and mutters something about the mix of Potter and Weasley blood not being a good outcome.
"Albus, April is next week which means exams are in precisely three months and the third year is your last year to slack off. Things get serious from now on," Rose insists.
"Oh really? Is that some rule I don't know about?"
Rose huffs and opens her book, ignoring him.
"We're only in third year and exams are already so difficult," I complain as I retrieve my quill from my bag.
"Yeah, I hear Ilvermorny is a breeze when it comes to exams, lucky for Scorp," Albus says.
"Wait- what?" I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. "Why is that lucky for Scorpius? Ilvermorny is the American Wizarding School."
"Albus, I don't think we were supposed to say anything," Rose quietly, darting her eyes from Albus to me.
"Bugger off Rose- she has a right to know!" Albus exclaims.
"Right to know what?" I demand.
"Shhh!" Madam Irma says as she passes our table.
"Sorry," I whisper, and then look back to Albus. "Tell me. Right now."
"Albus, it's not our place-"
"Rose, enough! If you two don't tell me I'll just ask Scorpius myself. So save me that awkward conversation and just tell me what is going on." I turn to Albus. "You brought it up, tell me."
Albus sighs and then leans forward in his chair.
"Scorpius is going away next year."
Scorpius is leaving Hogwarts?
"Why?"
"His dad- he got a job. They need someone down there and it's great pay he, couldn't turn it down-"
"Why can't Scorpius stay here while his dad works there?" I ask, not believing what he's telling me. "He can still visit during the holidays-"
"Really Lannah?" Rose says. "I don't think his dad will like being so far from him, after his mum, well...." She trails off but we all know where she was going with it.
I stay quiet for a moment and absorb this news.
"It's just for a year... most likely," Albus tries to console me.
I look down at my hands and wonder if I should ask them the outstanding question.
"Was he-," I pause. "Was he going to tell me?" I ask quietly, avoiding eye contact.
They don't respond. I look up at them in disbelief.
"He was going to leave? Without telling me?" I exclaim loudly, earning a dirty look from Madam Irma, but I couldn't care less.
"Well, we don't know that for sure- '' Rose says but I cut her off.
"You know what? It doesn't matter," I scoff. "Why should he bother telling me. He hates me right?"
"Lannah, what? No not at all!" Albus insists.
I shake my head.
"Yes, he does. He does. Why else would he just stop talking to me? I know we don't talk about him but please- I need to know. What did I do?" I look at them desperately. "Just tell me what I did! Please. I feel like I just woke up one day and he was gone. What happened?" I feel tears burning in my eyes.
"Lannah," Rose softly puts her hand on my arm. "I would tell you, I would but... I don't even know."
I look to Albus for an answer but he just shrugs apologetically.
"Honestly Lannah, I don't know either. He just...doesn't talk about you."
And out of this whole conversation, that is what hurt the most.