For someone who got the bare minimum sleep to function last night, I'm surprisingly awake.
You'd think, sitting in the sun all morning - effectively alone with absolutely nothing to do than allow your imagination to wander - I'd be tired.
But my mind has been hyperactive, overflowing with questions and thoughts from whatever happened between me and Harry last night.
The whole narrative between us has switched on this trip. I can't quite explain it, but something is off.
I don't know if it's me, or him, or a combination of the two of us.
But it's playing on my mind and I can't work it out. And therefore I have no clue if it's a good change, or if it's the demise of our relationship.
I just simply couldn't sleep because of it.
There we both laid awake resting for at least an hour in utter silence besides the mixture of our heavy breaths, the adrenaline slowly seeping out of us. Until he finally dozed off into a deep slumber.
It was weird how much happened yesterday, it felt like a lifetime all in a day. We went from laughing, to intimate, to teasing, to intimate, back to laughing again.
The night ended with both of us together in the shower, the closest I've ever felt to him.
And by the time we'd finished in there, dried off and gotten into bed it was probably between 3am and 4am.
I was exhausted. My whole body aching, not only my muscles but my bones. It felt like being thirteen again with growing pains.
But no matter how much I was in desperate need of sleep, my mind was a carnival. Jumbled with questions and thoughts I couldn't decipher.
My whole body was just as restless as my mind. I couldn't stop fidgeting and that's very unlike me. I'm mostly an incredibly calm sleeper. So I knew if I carried on the way I was, tossing and turning and rolling about in the bed Harry would be awoken by me.
I'm really not the best liar to begin with. And I'd feel bad having to try and explain what was going on in my mind, when I myself didn't know to begin with.
So, I did the only thing I knew would make me feel better.
I called my mom.
My mom has been my best friend my whole life. She's always been there to give advice and an outsider's perspective, no matter what the situation is.
I could have called Esme. I would have called Esme.
But how on earth am I supposed to talk to her about Harry, when I myself don't even know what I wanted to say.
Idiotically, I didn't even think of what time it was when I was calling my mom. I felt bad when she answered, and you could easily tell she had just woken up.
I mean, it must have been 5am at this point.
***
"Evangeline dear, is everything okay? Why are you calling me at this time?" Her voice was calm but still with urgency and the dryness of her morning voice was evident.
I didn't think about her being asleep.
She's my mom. I always just assume she'll be there when I need her. I don't know what I'll do one day when she's not.
"Yes. Yes mom, everything's fine. I just, I guess I just needed to talk. Sorry, I didn't even realize what the time was when I dialed your number. Actually I didn't even realize I was calling your number until it started ringing." I quickly ramble an explanation, closing the door behind me in hopes to not wake Harry.
My gaze goes from the glistening night sky to the red illuminated pool. You can just about see it from our balcony.
Each blink is like a snapshot. My stomach knots with each flashback of holding him close to me, wrapping my legs around his waist under the cool water, running my hands through his damp curls and staring into his emerald eyes which held just as many stars as the sky above.
"It's okay dear. As long as you're okay. What is it you need to talk about? Aren't you and Harry on a weekend break right now?" Her voice slowly becomes more awake and the coffee pot brewing in the background is enough for me to know that she's actually willing to stay up to talk to me for as long as I need.
"We're in Arizona, in a beautiful hotel and- and we had the best day I could have ever- that I could have ever asked for. He's- he's just so." I continue to stumble over my words, not making any sense.
I run my hands across my face with a sigh.
"Evie. Take a breath, no rush, but there's clearly something on your mind dear. What is it?" My moms comforting voice is the most reassuring thing in the world and I just wish she was here to give me a hug.
"Mom. When did- when did you know that you were in love with dad?" I whisper, not sure why I ask but I feel like I need to know the answer.
There's so much I can't stop thinking about with Harry.
"Oh, Evie." She sighs on the other end and I can hear the sound of a mug being placed on to the table.
"I'd known your father for almost four months but we'd only been together for about two of them. It was Christmas day and we were at your grandmother's old house. She said that next Christmas the only present she wanted was a grandchild. I remember your father panicking in the bedroom, pacing back and forth practically sweating buckets because I teased him and said she's already got one for this Christmas. The emotions that he went through in the five minutes of thinking I was pregnant was hilarious. And he even proposed. We were barely twenty and he proposed. He was just so goofy and cute and made me smile more than anyone else ever had. That's when I knew I loved him. Don't get me wrong, he's a prick now, but he's my prick and I'll still love him because he'll always be that naïve childish man at heart." Mom explains and I'm almost certain that is the first time she's told me that story.
I shuffle my feet away from the balcony, taking refuge on one of the fancy decking chairs, bringing my knees up to my chest and hugging them in hopes to comfort myself.
"So, you didn't know? You didn't know you two were soulmates when you realized you loved him." I state almost as a question, trying to wrap my head around this.
"We weren't twenty-one yet. How were we to know what the universe had planned for us. All I knew is I loved him and nothing could change that. If in a year we found out there were other people out there for us then it wasn't meant to be I guess. But I would have always loved him nonetheless." She laughs, reminiscing back on times that were almost twenty five years ago now.
"So." I place my head on my knees, allowing myself to soak in her words.
"So Evie dear. If you love Harry then love him. Forget everything else. Forget about me and your dad, forget about Esme, forget about the media. Forget about it all and let yourself have this. Evie you'll always be my baby, even if you are a grown woman, and I'll always want what's best for you. Don't let yourself feel guilty, and don't hold back. Love is a powerful thing. It can work wonders that you wouldn't expect." She explains and I feel a tear slip out of my eyes, followed by a few more until I'm there silently crying into my hands.
For some reason I'm so overwhelmed by all of this.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
I've never felt like this before.
Earlier when we were in the pool and we went under the water and looked up at the moon it wasn't for any other reason but I needed silence.
There was no real noise to begin with besides in my own head.
I needed a break. Just a moment of peace.
So I went under the water.
And I spoke to the moon.
Harry was too distracted looking up at the sky to notice my mouth moving.
I felt like I needed to scream and cry and ask why.
So I asked why.
And I'm still waiting for the answer.
Because why would Harry make me fall in love with him if he knew it'd hurt me more when we have to say goodbye?
***
I didn't say much else to my mom after she told me that.
I wasn't sure what to say.
All I could do was sit there, trying to silence my crying while staring at the moon and hoping for some sort of answer.
An answer as to whether I really was in love with him, or if I just liked the idea of him.
So all morning I've been trying to figure it out.
My mind seems clear now that I've had rest, albeit only a few hours.
As soon as I crawled back into bed with Harry, I curled up to him, his arms subconsciously wrapping around me as I took in his warm exterior, his familiar scent invading my senses helping me fall deeply asleep.
He didn't wake me until half an hour before we had to leave, I think he could simply tell from my look how exhausted I was.
I still felt it, but not in the same way.
This morning I was happier than I'd expected.
Everything was still playing on my mind, but Harry had a habit of making me focus on nothing but him - even if it's him that consumes my thoughts.
We'd grabbed breakfast before leaving the hotel and Harry said he had something planned for us after.
Which of course I've been left in the dark about. But he assured me it's something along the lines of food and an activity.
So we'd been at the Gucci shoot for a good few hours at least and can't have had much longer left.
I had always assumed that Esme was over exaggerating when she went for photoshoots. Saying how time consuming they were.
But I really underestimated today.
Apparently it is just as painstakingly tiresome and time enduring like she said. An abundance of outfit changes with multiple hair and makeup touch ups.
I should give her more credit.
I've spent these past few hours sitting behind the scenes, in awe of Harry. Watching him work the camera and do his thing, looking as beautiful as ever.
No one can convince me that there is someone more beautiful than Harry Styles to have ever walked this earth.
And I really, genuinely, cannot blame Esme for swooning over him for all the years like she has. Because wow.
The thing is, the part of Harry I get to see is something the media doesn't get, nor his fans.
Not in the same way I do.
So for that reason I'm even more lucky than I could have ever expected.
My company here has not been completely pointless. Despite Harry clearly being well and truly occupied with the shoot itself - just how I had assumed he would be - he's made sure to check up on me as much as he could manage.
And Rebecca stopped by.
Turns out she's travelling to Europe within the next month and she was meeting some designers in California before she left. And apparently she was passing through Arizona already, so when she heard that me and H would be here, she decided to pay us a visit.
I hadn't spoken to her since the day after the Met Gala, where I thanked her again for being so brilliant with designing my outfits.
We had a nice girly chat. And she mentioned how she was planning on getting in contact with Esme in the forthcoming week.
Evidently, Rebecca has found the seemingly perfect opportunity for Es, and I'll be forever proud of Esme if she actually gets the chance to model for Gucci. This would really be the kick start she needs for her career.
I try not to think about the negative side of her travelling a lot for different fashion weeks, and modelling jobs and shows.
But it would be weird not having her around as a constant chatter box.
I'm not exactly sure what I'll do without her at home with me.
When she is gone, Harry will really be the only person I'll spend time with.
I talk to Bea a fair amount, and Michael too.
But they're not my best friends.
Not like H and Es.
And I dread to think what I'll do when Harry inevitably leaves for tour again. He'll be travelling the world, and me. Well I'll still be in New York, performing at the ballet.
Eventually, Rebecca had to get going. And ever since then, I've been somewhat alone.
I've had Lazarus with me.
Which is what I've decided to name the small white lamb that I've spent almost my whole morning with.
Nobody told me that there would practically be a mini petting zoo at the photoshoot.
Lambs, chickens, piglets.
The only thing that would have made it better was if there were kittens.
You win some, you lose some.
I also took courtesy in naming all the animals.
So Lazarus has been half asleep on my lap for nearly an hour now.
If I'm being true to myself, I've barely paid any attention to Harry. Only to the animals I've been cuddling and playing with.
"Evie darling, are you doing okay? We're just about to wrap up so we shouldn't be much longer. Maybe about ten minutes or so and then we can get going. I feel bad that I haven't really seen you all morning." Harry's tall frame casts a shadow over both me and Lazarus and his voice comes out smooth which makes my stomach flutter.
"It's okay H. Me and Lazarus have been having cuddles, look how adorable he is. I want to keep him forever and ever and ever." I laugh, staring down at the small white lamb bundled up in my arms.
"Of course you've named the lamb." He chuckles, shuffling down so he's sat next to me. I glance over to him, noticing he too has a small little lamb held in his arms. Similar to Lazarus but with black patches covering his head and hooves like little socks.
"Don't think I have named your lamb too." I nod to the sleepy creature in his arms.
"Oh really?" He arches his eyebrow, shuffling closer on the grass and I'm sure he's completely ruining the Gucci suit he's wearing.
But he can also afford it, acting like it's from target.
"Leeroy the lamb." I smirk, leaning my head onto his shoulder for some rest.
"Leeroy. Leeroy, why does that sound so familiar?" I can hear the confusion laced in his voice as thumb brushes small circles by the ears of the lamb who seems to be enjoying himself very much.
"I want you to meet Leeroy, he's gonna be your choreographer." I mimic a super high pitched voice, trying to contain my laugh.
"Leeroy hmmm." Harry catches on and finishes the next line.
I'm surprised he'd be able to remember that.
Me, on the other hand, I had to endure several months straight of watching it every night. Esme was convinced that watching that on repeat brought some sort of magic into our lives.
9pm, like clockwork, she'd put it up on the TV and sing and dance along.
And I can now recite it in my sleep.
"Best song ever." He laughs, nudging my shoulder slightly.
"You're the one who decided he wanted to date a girl who's best friend is One Directions biggest fan. She would have killed me if she knew I was with lambs and didn't name one after her stuffed animal." I shrug with a grin. You'd think by having the 'bad bitch' persona she portrays that stuffed animals wouldn't be littered across her bed.
I'm not entirely sure what she even does with them when she has a guy over.
Does she just have sex with the guy while they're still on her bed? Because I know for a fact that they're still there, even while she sleeps.
Whereas my little pink teddy bear that used to sit on the center of my bed has had to be moved to my vanity table chair.
"Oh, so she actually has a Leeroy the lamb teddy?" Harry turns his head to look down at me and I have to hold my hand in front of my eyes to block out the sun from invading them.
"Yep, just wait until you meet the rest of them." I nod back, in a matter of fact tone.
I don't know if I'm digging a bigger hole for Esme or myself at this point.
It's one thing her having them, it's another telling my boyfriend about them.
He really must think she's insane. Even I think she is.
"Oh so there's others now?" He asks, his eyes widening with surprise.
"Mhm, you've got Jonny the jellyfish, Harvey the hippo, Marcel the moose, and Zack the Zebra." I inform, listing the list of stuffed animals arranged on Esme's bed while counting them on my fingers for dramatic effect.
"Wait, rewind a second there sunflower. Zack? Who's Zack?" Harry's eyebrows furrow together in confusion.
"Niall, Louis, Liam, Harry, Zack. It's Zayn. Whatever you say big guy." I repeat the words that are practically burned into my memory.
Harry nods along, still unsure of what I'm talking about.
"Wait, wait. I'm still con- wasn't Zayn's double the 'sexy assistant' Veronica." Harry waves his hand in front of his face trying to piece together what I'm talking about.
"Oh, so you're calling other women sexy now?" I retort back. I'm not really the jealous type, at least I don't think I am.
So far with Harry I've been fairly laid back.
I trust him.
I know he wouldn't ever hurt me.
But I still think it'd be funny to tease him.
Especially when the other 'sexy' woman in hand, is Zayn Malik dressed up.
"Oh get off it Evie. You know what I mean. I thought he was Veronica." He huffs, throwing his head back and running his hand that isn't holding Leeroy through his hair to bring it out of his eyes.
Lucky he's done with the photoshoot or else he would've ruined all their hard work.
"I was joking. It's almost like you were in the band. That big old brain of yours." I tease further just to get a rise out of him. "But you have a point, it's just we couldn't find any stuffed animals that began with a V, so we settled on Zack the zebra." I explain and Harry nods his head in the most over dramatic way.
He definitely doesn't understand.
I've always been curious if celebrities understand the hype around them.
Clearly not.
Harry probably thinks we're crazier than he already knew.
"Right, I'll leave Leeroy with you and Lazarus so I can go clean up. And then we can go, that good with you baby?" Harry returns to his cheeky self, placing Leeroy in my lap besides Lazarus before patting me in the head like I'm one of the lambs.
I roll my eyes while looking up at him but I can't help but smile when he sarcastically rolls his eyes back.
He gives another small wave before turning and walking away.
"What am I gonna do about that man of mine?" I whisper ask to the lambs, knowing I'll get no response but it's still therapeutic in a way.
My phone buzzes on the grass besides me and I reach for it, trying to not move the lambs too much.
I swipe open the screen, seeing a text from my mom.
'How are you feeling this morning dear? It was nice hearing your voice last night, it feels like we haven't spoken in ages. Come and visit home soon, and bring H.'
I type a quick message back, hoping Harry doesn't come back before I've finished the conversation.
If he asks what I'm talking to my mom about I wouldn't be able to not tell him.
I have a habit of blurting everything out around him without noticing before it's too late.
Exhibit A being five minutes ago with the whole stuffed animal business.
Esme will kill me for that.
'I miss you too mom. I'll visit soon, promise.' I respond back, purposely avoiding the question of how I feel.
Because I just don't know.
This chapter was not suppose to be this intense.... moving on, next chapter is my favorite but you'll have to wait and see why...
Hint: you'll find out why you're all my sunflowers <3