It was New Years Eve and I had no plans.
Yesterday, before Luca left and we'd exhausted our conversation about my failed relationship with Thea, he tried to convince me to go to a party with him tonight. I refused. He changed tactics and offered an evening at Alice's. I refused again. I told him I wasn't in the mood. I especially didn't want to be surrounded by kissing couples at midnight and be reminded of my failed love life.
I was also sure I would suck any happiness out of any party I attended with my damper presence.
Before Luca left, I'd also begged him not to talk to Thea, to just let things be. He looked at me, begging me with his eyes to let him try to help, to fix it. I told him no. It wasn't his mess to fix; I didn't want him in the middle of whatever this was. I also had to admit that I loved Thea so much that if she didn't want anything to do with me that I had to be okay with that, however long it took. I had to be okay with whatever she wanted.
Luca tried to argue with me, tried to tell me that Thea didn't know what she wanted, that she wasn't thinking clearly, that this fear that consumed her was what ended things with me, not Thea.
I told him it didn't matter. I told him to leave it be. With a sigh of defeat, he agreed and left my apartment sometime around midnight.
I didn't sleep.
I still hadn't heard from Thea and I told myself that I had to just accept whatever this was and move on. Luca, however, was insistent and wouldn't stop harassing me, convinced he could somehow to get me to leave my house.
Luca: Please come over.
Me: No.
Luca: Please I don't want to spend New Years alone.
Me: You won't. You have parties to go to.
Luca: I don't want to go without you. I bought a ton of stuff for us to have a party here, just the two of us. Thea won't be here, she has a work thing.
Me: You come over here.
Luca: No offense but your apartment is a depressing mess. You need to leave your apartment and get out. Come over. Everything set up. I have champagne and cookies. Your favorite.
Me: Luca, no. I don't think Thea will appreciate we being there.
Luca: She won't be home!
Me: She has to come home eventually right?
Luca: Fine then leave at 12:01. She'll be at the work thing until at least then then she'll have to drive back. You won't even see her.
Me: Just come over here.
Luca: Thea is taking the car.
Me: Then I'll come get you.
Then Luca called me and I groaned when I answered.
"Please come over."
"No."
"Please, Lou."
"Why is it so important to you that I come over?"
"Because I care about you and you need to get out of your apartment."
We went back and forth like that for a while, but eventually Luca won. I showered and dressed in comfortable leggings and sweatshirts; I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I looked at myself in the mirror and contemplated throwing on makeup because I still looked like absolute shit, but decided against it; it was just Luca. He already knew I looked like I wanted to die.
I drove to his apartment through the snow and quickly ran up to his door. I paused for a moment outside of it, my knuckles hanging over the door. I wanted to knock. I knew Thea wasn't home, but it didn't feel right using the key anymore. I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore; this wasn't my home.
I finally knocked and Luca answered the door with a bright smile. He was all dressed up.
"Wow, I didn't realize we were getting fancy tonight."
"I wanted to look nice."
I rolled my eyes and walked inside, kicking off my boots.
"I realized I just forgot the champagne," Luca said.
"Are you kidding me?"
"I'll be right back, I'm just going to run to the store down the road. Do you need anything?"
"I'll come with you."
"No, no. Just stay here and make yourself comfortable and I'll be back soon."
I sighed and sat on the couch. I looked around at all of the Christmas decorations and was reminded of Thea. The entire apartment reminded me of Thea and I questioned why I even accepted this proposal, this was so stupid. If I couldn't stare at a picture of her on my desk what made me think I could be in her apartment. I guess I would have to get over this if I wanted to continue to be friends with Luca.
I looked down the hall and wanted to go into Thea's bedroom to be close to her, to allow myself to let go, to say goodbye properly. I shook my head; I was being weird.
Twenty minutes later the apartment door opened and I stood up to help Luca with whatever he was carrying, but it was not Luca at the door. It was Thea.
My heart stopped beating in my chest, my stomach dropped, and I felt cold panic flood through my veins. I was at a loss for words.
She looked gorgeous.
I wasn't supposed to be here.
"I'm sorry," I finally managed to stutter. "Luca told me you wouldn't be home. I-I'm really sorry. I'll go. Just tell him that—sorry."
I scrambled to kick on my boots. My heart pounded in my chest against a tight grip. I couldn't breathe and I knew I was moments away from crying. I had to get out of here. I couldn't be in the same room as her. How was I ever supposed to get over this?
"You don't have to go," Thea said. She sounded tired, not at all the voice I was used to, the voice of over confidence and jest. The voice that always seemed to have a smile behind it, even if she was exasperated with me.
"No, this is your apartment. I need to leave. I'm sorry."
I stood up and pulled on my heavy coat and scarf. Thea watched me. I stared back at her. The usually lithe intelligence behind those eyes was gone. She looked tired.
"Are you okay, Louise?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried not to look at her anymore but my eyes kept bouncing back to hers before I quickly looked away. My heart was crumbling all over again.
I walked up to the door to leave, but Thea was still standing there, grocery bags in hand. It didn't at all seem like she was planning to leave tonight; she wasn't even wearing makeup.
What the hell Luca?
Thea's eyes searched my face. I looked away. I felt the tears bubbling again. I knew how I looked.
"Louise, are you sure you're okay?"
"You don't have to worry about me," I said with a smile I didn't feel. "That's not your responsibility anymore, okay?"
Thea stared at me, her jaw fused.
"I'm sorry I intruded. I know you don't want to see me and you won't after today. This was a mistake, I'm sorry. Luca told me you wouldn't be home."
"It's not that I don't want to see you, Lou."
Lou. I didn't want her calling me that. I couldn't have her calling me that. I put up hands as if to offer some sort of buffer between us. "It's okay. You don't have to explain yourself."
We stared at each other for a moment. Thea's eyes glassed over.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"You don't have to apologize to me. You don't owe me anything. Seriously, I'll leave. I need to leave."
Thea moved aside slowly, her tired eyes following me. I leapt at the door. I grabbed the handle and twisted, but something in me paused. I turned my head slightly, looking at her from the corner of my eye. I couldn't face her head on, but I had to know, I had to know what happened if I ever had any hopes of moving on.
"Can you . . . Can you please tell me what I did wrong?"
Thea's eyes searched my face. I didn't know what she was looking for; I didn't have any answers.
"Please? Can you tell me what I did. I can't . . . This not knowing is killing me. Maybe if you told me what I did, what went wrong, then I'll be able to move on. I just need some closure. Please. Then I'll stay away. I promise. I won't come by the apartment anymore. I just need . . . something."
Thea was crying now. silently. Suffering. Always suffering in isolated silence. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Lou," she said.
"Please, please don't call me that."
Thea squeezed her eyes shut like I'd just hit her.
"Please, Thea, just tell me what I did. That's all I need."
"You didn't do anything. You're perfect."
I shook my head, but Thea continued after swallowing down what seemed like a soul-tearing sob of her own.
"Louise, you're perfect. Your family is perfect. Your life is perfect. I'm not. I'm none of these things. I don't . . . I can't . . . God. I'm in love with you. It's so all consuming. I adore you. I can't stop thinking about you and your family and this holiday. I loved every second of it. I haven't had a Christmas like that in over ten years. I tasted what it was like to have a family. It felt so good and I felt so whole." Thea paused to blink back tears and take several deep breaths. "I can't have that taken away from me. What if we stay together and in a month, six months, a year, ten years, you decided you don't want me anymore? What if you decide this isn't what you want?" Thea couldn't hold back her tears and with each word she spoke, they came down like rain. "I can't have a taste of a family only to have it ripped away. I couldn't . . . I can't live through that again. I just can't. I can't risk that for myself. I can't lose everything, not again."
I blinked. There were tears running down my cheeks too. I didn't know when I started crying.
"It's just . . . It's better this way. It's better if we don't get too involved. It's better if we just keep whatever friendship we had. It will be better for both of us. Louise, you're beautiful and wonderful and you deserve someone who isn't afraid of the future. You deserve someone who will dive headfirst with you and never look bad. I can't do that. I can't be that person for you."
Somehow, Thea talking about what we deserved snapped me from my silence stupor.
"I don't fucking care about who you think I deserve. You're pushing me away because of one stupid scenario?"
"It's not one scenario, it's many. It's all the things that could possibly go wrong in our relationship."
I laughed sardonically. "Possibly? You're worried about all the possibilities? What about what we have? What about what you said to me? You told me you loved me."
Thea swallowed and nodded. "I do love you."
"Can't that be enough?"
Thea stood there frozen and slowly, she shook her head. I looked at her and I weighed all the options in my head and the idea of losing her forever tore at my insides and made me want to scream.
"Your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Once you meet her you'll forget all about me," Thea promised me.
"How could I forget about you? Thea, I love you. I know you love me too."
"I know it doesn't make sense right now, but—"
"But nothing, Thea. I love you!"
"Louise, you don't understand—"
"I understand perfectly! You're scared of losing a family. You're scared of losing another family and I get that but the Thea I know has never let fear dictate her life before and I don't know why you're letting it now. What are you going to do? Fall in love over and over and over and push whoever it is away when things get too serious because you'll be scared to lose them?"
Thea shook her head. "I don't care about—I wouldn't care about someone like that. Not anymore. You're—you're it for me. I can't go through this again."
"It's just me? You're worried about losing me? My mom? My nieces?"
"This is the closest thing to a family I've had and I don't want to have to live with losing that again, Louise, even if that means being alone. It's easier for me."
"You won't! God, Thea, do you think for even a minute that if—God forbid—something went wrong in our relationship, that my family would abandon you? Forget about you?" Thea didn't speak. "And for God's sake, Thea, what are you imagining is going to go wrong? We've known each other for three years! We've seen the worst of each other already. What surprises are you expecting here? You've seen me at my worst already. You've seen me here falling apart before. You're seeing me now, absolutely broken." I shook my head. "I never would have thought you would let your own fear control you. That's not the Thea I know."
"Maybe you don't know me at all."
I laughed humorlessly. "If you want to tell yourself that to make you feel better, then fine. But you and I both know I know you. I know the real you. I know the you that took care of her brother for years. I know the you that put herself through law school. I know the you that will let my nieces braid her hair and sled with her. I know the you that loves Christmas and snow and cheesy movies. I know the you that loves her brother more than anything else in this world. I know the you that loves sweets and having pajamas days and loves the rain. I know the you that can't sleep in, that loves going to bed early, and has to have her bed made a certain way. I know the you that hates her kitchen being dirty. I know the you that wants somebody to listen, to wait, to care enough to pay enough attention to her to notice all of these little things about her, like how she thinks she has to do everything alone and fight anyone every step of the way until that personal finally breaks through and shoulders some of her burden.
"I know all of you. Everything. I know that scares you, that someone else besides Luca could possibly care about you like, could know you like that, but you have to let someone in. You can't live a life in isolation, Thea, it will kill you. I know you're worried, but there isn't one aspect of you that scares me, that I dislike, that I'm not all in for and I think of anybody I'm in a position to tell you that truthfully, honestly. Look at me. You know when I'm lying, when I'm dishonest. Look at me and tell me that I'm lying to you."
Thea stood there, silent, tears still streaming down her cheeks.
"I told you I loved you and I meant that, Thea. I didn't just mean I love you conditionally. I didn't mean that I will only love you if everything is perfect. I know there will be bad days, I know a relationship is work and just because it's easy right now doesn't mean it always will be, but Thea I love you. For me this isn't some game or some passing feeling. This love for you isn't fleeting. It's deep, it's personal, it's all consuming. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to grow tired of you. I love you endlessly." Then I started to cry and I whispered to her. "I will always love you, despite what happens. This is stupid, I know it is, but I just—I know with you. I know you're it. I know you're the one I want to be with, even if it has only been ten days, I've known you for three years and maybe it's only been the last ten days that I've known I've loved you, but it's always been there.
"I won't get over you. I can't. I just. I love you Thea. I love you. I love every part of you and nothing scares me, nothing makes me want to turn away. And, God, I wanted to fight you. I want to fight for you so badly. I want to scream in your face and tell you how stupid you are. If I could stand here all night and tell you all of the reasons I love you, all of the reasons why should choose us, I would."
I took a deep breath and watched Thea, who still stood, silent, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I think I've overstayed my welcome," I said. "I want to respect you and what you want, but please know I don't want to leave. I never wanted to leave. I want you and you're all I'll ever want. You're all I've ever wanted and I would never let you lose your family again."
When Thea still said nothing, I pulled open the door. The rush of cold air hit my face. I turned to look back at her one last time, to take in her face one more time before I let her go, because I had to. I poured out my heart, but it wasn't enough.
"I thought," I whispered, taking a deep, shaking breath. "I thought I was your family."
Thea was kissing me. I don't know how she moved so quickly across the room, but the door was shut, the cold was pushed away and warmth spread through me. Our tears mingled together on our cheeks and our kiss was salty. Thea cradled my cheeks in her hands and kissed me, her mouth full of words she was unable to speak. It said I'm sorry. It said please forgive me. It begged me to love her. It begged me to never leave her. It thanked me for staying.
"I love you," she said against my mouth.
I pushed my mouth against hers, tangling my hands in her hair, pushing every unspoken word of love and desire and passion through my body into hers. I need her to know this was forever for me. I needed her to know that I would never leave. I needed her to know I was her family.
Thea pulled off my coat and scarf and pulled me closer. My heart beat so quickly in my chest, not wanting to lose her, not wanting to be apart from her for even a second.
"Stay with me," she whispered. A plea. "I'm sorry."
I pulled back to look at her, to wipe away the tears, to promise her. "I won't let you push me away."
Tears bubbled up and poured over again. "Thank you."
"Never thank me for loving you. Never thank me for staying. It's the easiest thing I've ever done."
"How are you so good?"
"Because someone like you deserves that. Someone like you deserves the world."
"I'm so sorry I hurt you."
I pulled her to my lips and kissed her, parting her mouth with mine. I felt life flooding back into me. I felt rejuvenated. I felt alive. I felt Thea becoming whole against my body. I felt the woman I love come back to life in my arms.
"I love you, I love you, I love," I whispered to her. A thousand times. A million times. Enough to make her never forget.
And then Thea was pulling me down the hall until we were in her room and the door was locked and she was peeling off my clothes and I let her. I undressed her slowly, kissing every inch of her as I stripped away the layers of insecurity that kept from me.
We stood before each other, vulnerable, trusting, loving.
Thea laid me down in bed, kissing me, running her hands over my body like she was ready to take possession of it, like I belonged to her. She kissed my mouth, my neck, my collarbone, kissed my down my chest and to my stomach and I felt like I was hers, completely, wholly.
"I'm sorry," she said to again.
"Please stop apologizing," I whispered.
"What can I do?"
"Love me."
Thea covered my mouth with hers and pulled me close, her strong hands supporting my back. She kissed back down my neck, nipping at the skin and making me sigh. She worked her way down my body, telling every inch how much she loved me. She caressed my sides, my shoulders, my breasts and slid further down until her head was between my legs. She kissed the insides of my thighs. My breath came out in ragged strains and I closed my eyes, feeling her on my skin.
When her tongue pressed against me, I cried out her name. She gripped my hips and pulled me against her, her tongue flicking all over me. My back arched, the pleasure making me shake. I moaned her name. She looked up at me and I looked down at her. The eye contact was all consuming; I lost myself in her eyes, in her love, until I came against her tongue, shaking uncontrollably, and still, she didn't stop. She kept going until I was begging her to stop, until I was sure I couldn't go on and then even, then she pushed me over the edge once more before kissing her way back up to me and wrapping me in her arms.
I never knew I could miss the feeling of another's person's skin on mine until I felt her pressed against me, smelled the scent of her. I inhaled her as much as I could, never wanting to forget the feel of her body or the smell of her skin.
She held me close, running her fingers through my hair, the other arm wrapped protectively around my back, holding me. When I recovered, I tried to reciprocate, to make love to her, but she wouldn't let me.
"Tonight is about you," she said. "Let me love you tonight. Let me give you all of my love."
I did. I spent the night in her arms, our naked bodies pressed tightly against each other, like we were worried if either one of us loosened our grip the other wouldn't be there.
We fell asleep before midnight, but it was still the best New Year's Eve of my life because I fell asleep with her in my arms and I knew she'd be there in the morning.
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A/N: Thank you for reading, voting, and commenting!
Update 3/3 for the day! I hope you all enjoyed the little rollercoaster I put you on (I'm so sorry lol), but I told you there would be a happy ending! Let me know what you thought of the chapter / the mini conflict :)
Tomorrow will be the last chapter!
Cheers everyone!