{EMOTIONAL/TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH}
Once Mr. March had finished reading the bible verse, my mother had already stopped rubbing my hand. She had passed peacefully in her bed with her friends and me right beside her. Marmee had her hand over her mouth as tears silently ran down her face. They watched me as I just stared at my mother, her hand was still clasped in mine, a peaceful facial expression rested on her face...
She couldn't have been gone yet...
Her chest stopped rising, it had been around a minute since she took a breath... "Marmee, Mama needs a doctor! She's not breathing!" I said in a panic. I looked over at her and tears were running down her face, Mr. March just stood there, I don't think he knew what to do. I looked back at my mother and put my ear to her chest, there wasn't a heartbeat. "Mama, wake up. Mama!" I said as I patted her arm.
She didn't react...
"Mama! Wake up! Wake up!" I said louder as I continued to pat her arm. "Marmee, please!" I pleaded as I looked at her.
"Eliza, she's gone..." Marmee said through her tears.
"No, she was awake a few moments ago! She's just sleeping, help me wake her! She can't sleep now!" I yelled back at her.
Mama still hadn't moved...
I rubbed up and down her arm, "Come on, wake up! Mr. March, do something!" I continued to yell. I refused to believe she was gone, she was just rubbing my hand a few minutes ago, it couldn't have happened so fast. She must have fallen asleep.
"Eliza-" Marmee began to say but I interrupted her. "Someone get her water! She needs to wake up! Mama!" I screamed and began to sob, but they just looked stunned.
"There is nothing we can do, Eliza. " Mr. March said as he finally spoke up.
"Why won't you try? She's asleep, she needs to wake up! Help me wake her! Mama! Please!"
"Robert, we need to get her out of here. " Marmee said to Mr. March.
"No! I can't leave! She will wake up! I need to be here when she wakes!" I hugged her. "Wake up!"
Marmee walked over to the other side of my mother, tears were flowing down her face. "Eliza, let's go to your room, ok?" She asked as she looked at me.
"No, I'm not leaving! She could wake up soon! Mama, please! I screamed through my tears, sobs racked my body as I clung to her. Mr. March began to grab me under my arms and he tried to pull me off of her. "No! Stop, she will wake up! She can't leave me!" I continued to scream at them while I clung to her tighter.
"Eliza, you must let her go. " Marmee told me as she held my hands and attempted to pry them off of her.
I yelled as Marmee managed to pry my fingers off of her, but I managed to grab the blanket that was on top of my mother. "She will wake up! Why won't you listen to me!" I screamed so loud that I shook with emotion, Marmee looked at me as more tears fell down her face but she continued to pull off my fingers from the blanket.
I had Mr. March's hands under my arms and he was trying to pull me off of my mother while Marmee pried my fingers off of the blanket. Marmee managed to break my fingers free from the blanket but when I tried to grab something else she held my hands in hers. "Eliza, listen to me. I'm so sorry, but we must leave her here to rest. We'll get the doctor shortly." Marmee said as she tried to reason with me but I was so distraught that nothing phased me.
"No! No! No!" I screamed repeatedly. I leaned my head on my mother's chest, I knew deep down she was gone but I refused to accept it. I then realized that this would be the last time I could see her, so I calmed down enough to say through my sobs, "Mama, I love you!" Mr. March pulled me off of her and he cradled me in his arms, my emotions flowed through me again and I started screaming through my tears again. My hands felt the coldness of the air without her hand holding mine.
I thrashed around in Mr. March's arms but he hugged me to his body so I couldn't move. Marmee rushed to the door and opened it to see all four girls standing there. Amy and Beth were crying while the rest of them looked at me in shock. "Girls! Move and don't go into that room, you hear me?" Marmee said sternly. They went back to the living room as Mr. March walked me to my room. I had a brief moment before Marmee closed the door and I could still see my mother, she still looked so peaceful...
I tried to thrash but Mr. March's grip became tighter and I eventually gave up. He then let me down to stand on the floor of my bedroom but I fell to my knees and sobbed. Marmee sat on the floor with me as I cried.
"What in god's name is going on? Who is screaming so loudly that I could hear it from my back garden?" An older male's voice said as Meg opened the front door.
"Robert, it's Mr.Laurence. " Marmee said as she looked up at Mr. March.
"I'll see to him and get the doctor, will you be able to handle her alone?" He asked softly with a frown.
"Yes, please hurry back. " Marmee said as she held me to her chest.
I sobbed as she rocked me back and forth. Mr. March walked into the living room but I couldn't hear anything over my cries, the only thing I heard was, "My heavens, I never knew... I shall pay for her mother's medical bills, and you won't try to change my mind, Robert. It's the least I could do." Mr. Laurence said.
The doctor had shown up with a colleague to take my mother away during that time. I eventually stopped crying and Marmee moved us to my bed.
"Eliza?" She asked as she looked over at me.
I slowly turned my head and looked at her, "Marmee, what do I do?" I asked.
Her eyes watered. "We must continue forward, and one way to do that is by talking about it... How do you feel?" I looked at her and said, "I'm happy she's no longer in pain but don't know what to do without her and I want her here. Is that selfish of me?" I asked as more tears flooded my eyes.
"Absolutely not, Eliza. You just lost your mother, dear, it's alright to feel loss and heartbreak. This is something that people can't dream of having to deal with..." She said as she held my hand tighter.
"Oh, your mother wrote something about this..." Marmee said as she stood up and left the room. She quickly returned with a small hat box with letters and a journal inside, she took the journal and sat where she was sitting before. The journal had doves and flowers pressed into the leather cover. There was one of my mother's ribbons and a leather button that kept the journal closed. A slight smile crept over my face at the sight of it, mother loved her ribbons...
Marmee handed me the journal and said, "Go ahead and open it." I unwrapped the ribbon around the journal and proceeded to open it. The first page had a glossary of what the topic was and its page number, I smiled at this too. The glossary said that page 1 was the introduction and page 2 was advice for the day she passed. I flipped the page to read the introduction.
Page 1
My Dear Eliza,
If you are reading this, then I have passed on to be with the Lord...
There wouldn't be enough time in the world to tell you everything you need to know, that is the reason why I have asked Margret to be 'my hands' and for her to write what I'm telling her in here beforehand, (but I'll always use my signature at the end of every letter). I plan on telling you about this journal before I pass but I'm having it be written again just in case I forget or I don't get the chance to tell you.
This journal has everything from advice, lectures, information about your family, birthday wishes, notes about big moments in your life, how to deal with some things, and words of love from me... I ask you not to read them before that specific event or question has popped into that bright little head of yours, no matter how tempting it may be.
There are also a few individual letters for, Margret (I wrote this one myself), Robert, Meg, Jo, Beth, Amy, your future husband (one for courtship, one for engagement, and one for when you both marry), and some for the four children you have always wanted. You are not to give these letters until the date that is written on them or until you feel the time is right.
I hope this journal answers any questions or things you might need to hear. Please remember what I'm sure I told you in the garden.
Love, Mama <3
I wiped my eyes after I read the page, my mother truly thought of everything and anything. She always has...
Page 2
My Dear Eliza,
Today is the day I passed, I know that you must feel extreme loss and hurt, and for that I'm sorry. I truly thought that my illness was nothing, I didn't know what it was before Dr. Bangs informed me.
I hate that I have left you so soon, but I know that God has a plan. I know that while you go through your grief it will be hard, but I hope what I'm writing here will help you through all your trials whether they are good or bad. I want you to be rest assured that I am no longer in pain and that I'm in a better place. I will now be with you always, I'll never leave your side...
I understand that you might feel like you're going to feel this emptiness inside you for the rest of your life, but I assure you it won't. I know this because I lost my mother from an early age as well. That is another reason that this journal has been made for you, I'm giving you what I wish I had from my mother when she passed...
You will heal and continue like you always have. It will be a difficult and painful process but there is a light at the end of all of this.
Tonight you will begin living at the March's home and become a part of their family, but that doesn't mean I'll be replaced (you're not getting rid of me that easily). Margret, Robert, and I have had multiple great conversations about you entering their family, I promise you that they are great people. I also know that there will never be boring with the March girls, you will fit right in!
Feel free to take anything that you wish to bring with you, I have instructed in my will that you will now take all of my currency, the rights to this house, and all of my belongings.
Also, my funeral will be coming up soon. It will be difficult but know that I will continue to stay by your side for eternity. Just because I will have a funeral, it doesn't mean that I'm fully gone...
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, I hoped that you would never have to deal with this as I did at such an early age. I promise you that it will get better, especially with all of the blessed people you will have in your life. I hope you can forgive me, my dear...
Love, Mama <3
I cried some more after reading the notes she had left me, I just felt this utter feeling of pain and sadness. But it was soon replaced with numbness, it was almost as if my body had been dried out. Meg, Jo, and Beth walked into my room and hugged me while I was on the bed, I was thankful that I wouldn't be alone while I felt this way.
Marmee helped me pack my wardrobe into the trunk that my mother had provided for me, she was right because there was plenty of room for all of my clothes, I didn't have much to begin with anyway. Marmee said there would be room for one more small trunk that could go at the end of my bed for any of my other belongings. I packed my knitting supplies, the quilt on my bed along with my pillow, my dolls, some books, my drawing set, my mother's art that she made, my collection of ribbons, some gardening equipment, and general necessities
The whole March family helped close the house down, Mr. March boarded up the windows, Beth and Amy put sheets over the furniture, Meg and Jo took the leftover food and cooking ingredients and put them in some baskets, and Marmee and I loaded my things in the carriage.
Meg and Jo told me that Hannah, a woman I've only met a few times, would love the extra food and ingredients because she wouldn't have to do much work...
By the time the sun had set, everything was packed, loaded into the carriage, and boarded up. I did one last thorough check in the house to make sure we didn't miss anything, I cried because I leaving but I knew I could come back any time I wanted. I also intended to live here when the time was right, so it wouldn't sit there vacant forever.
Mr. March boarded up the front door and we left for the March's home. The girls talked about how exciting it was for me to live with them because we were already such good friends. I was happy too but I wished it was under different circumstances...
When we arrived at the March's house, I stepped out of the carriage and looked around, I had never been this far down the road before. There were trees and flowers scattered around their front yard and a wooden fence that led all the way to the door. The house itself had vines going up the muted teal walls and maroon accents, it was a truly charming home.
I looked across the street to see a white mansion with a large front yard, Jo told me that was where Mr. Laurence resided. I turned around to look back at the house I would live in.
Marmee suggested that Jo give me a tour of the house while Mr. March put my trunks in the room I would be sharing with Beth and Jo. My best friend was elated as she grabbed my hand, she ran to the front door and opened it. She first showed me the living room, it had a fireplace, a small piano, and a warm atmosphere. The dining room was next, Jo realized that they only had six chairs and frowned. "This won't do..." She put her finger on her chin for a few seconds then jumped up to move the two chairs on one side of the table over a little. Jo then took the stool that was in front of the piano and placed it next to the chairs she scooted over. "There! Now all of us can sit at the table!" I smiled at the gesture and she grabbed my hand to continue the tour.
Jo guided me to the kitchen where another small table was sitting with some cooking equipment lying on it. She led me over to a wall of shelves that had ingredients on them and pointed out a small jar on the bottom shelf. "That jar has some sweets in there if you want any, we usually have chocolate, cookies, or sometimes there will be candied fruit if you're lucky!" She said with a smile, we giggled and she led me to the backdoor. Jo opened it and there was a small porch with many random things on it and a clothesline that connected between two trees. The back garden was beautiful and large, there were more flowers back there and an open area.
Jo led me back inside and showed me an office. "This is fathers office, we aren't allowed to touch anything or go inside without asking." She said as she pulled me up the stairs. There were a few rooms that she pointed out including Marmee and Mr. March's room and closet. From there we went into Meg and Amy's room, it was spacious and had many dolls scattered around. There was a vanity, a canopy bed, a large mirror, and a chair in the corner.
Jo took me to our room where we would share along with Beth. It had one large bed in the middle of the room with a little table next to it, a large cabinet tucked against a wall, and a small twin bed in the corner along with some shelves. The twin bed frame was wooden and painted white along with some yellow and lilac purple flowers pained on. "Father has been building you that bed and shelves since your mother got sick, he even painted it himself! I hope you know that he really likes you." She said with a smile.
Mr. March got to the top of the stairs with my trunks and asked, "You already done with the grand tour Jo?"
"Yes, Father! I wanted her to see our room before you came in."
Once Mr. March had placed my trunks in the room he said he was going to his office to finish some work he had to attend to.
"Mr. March..." He stopped and looked back at me. "Thank you for building my bed, purple and yellow are my favorite colors. "
I said with a smile. "Your mother told me, I wanted you to be able to have your own separate space for your things. I hope you will have enough room. See you at supper, Eliza." He said as he walked down the stairs.
Marmee passed him and walked into the room. "I see you have had a look at your corner!" Marmee said with her hands on her hips and a smile.
"I appreciate everything you have done for my mother and me. I promise I will try to be obedient, I feel it the only way to pay you back. " I said.
Marmee gave me a look and said, "I know that you're a good little girl so I'm not worried. "
That left Marmee, Jo, and I to unpack my things. There wasn't much to unpack, just some of my nice dresses that Marmee said needed to be hung and a few personal items to make it feel more like home. I put a piece of my mother's art on the shelves along with a couple of her favorite ribbons that I pinned on the wall. Marmee had put my quilt, pillow, and the doll my mother made me on the bed while Jo and I reorganized some of the items in the trunks.
After we were done, we went downstairs to see everyone else. Amy had to get her things ready for school in the morning much to her displeasure but I promised her that I would still be here so that eased her nerves. Meg and Beth helped Hannah put away the food and ingredients, Meg was right, Hannah was very pleased with everything we brought back to her. I asked Hannah if it was ok for me to bake something here and there because it was something that I was good at, she said it was no problem as long as I cleaned up after I was done.
That night Hannah made some meatloaf, corn, potatoes, and greens for dinner. They even took out some angel food cake to celebrate my living with them. The food was great, but after the day's events, I had lost my appetite. I ate a little out of respect for Hannah and their warm welcome towards me.
When we all settled down for the night I was having a hard time, I sobbed for about an hour because everything that happened had fully hit me... Marmee held me and the girls reassured me that they would be there for me. Marmee told me that if I needed anything during the night, I just needed to knock on their bedroom door. I was truly blessed to have them there with me during these times, I couldn't have been with better people...
Once everyone went to their own rooms, Jo wanted to show me something. She pushed my bed against her and Beth's bed to make one large one, that way I wouldn't feel so alone. I grabbed my doll and crawled into bed. We all said goodnight and tried to go to sleep, Beth fell asleep quickly but I just couldn't.
Jo whispered, "Eliza, I promise you that I'll stand by your side for as long as you want me to, even if it's forever!" We giggled and she held my hand, "Sisters till death do us part?" Jo asked with a smirk.
"I do!" I whispered, we giggled even more then we both drifted off to sleep.
A few days later I had settled in a little more, I liked living with the Marchs, there was never a dull moment with them. I also had been fully adopted according to the state. During all of these good times, I had this underlying feeling of sadness.
The day I had been dreading had arrived, my mother's funeral. It was just the Marchs, Hannah, Dr. Bangs, and I but I liked it that way, it felt more personal. Mr. March performed a beautiful service in their back garden that evening...
"Our Father in heaven, we thank you that, through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life. Keep us firm in the faith, that nothing can separate us from your love. When we lose someone who is dear to us, help us to receive your comfort and share it with one another. We thank you for what you have given us through Fiona. We now entrust ourselves to you, just as we are, with our sense of loss and of guilt, When the time has come, let us depart in peace, and see you face to face, for you are the God of our salvation. Amen."
We all walked to my mother's back garden and I did what she asked with some of her ashes. I asked for a minute with her and they all walked to the street and waited for me. I sat on the bench and began to speak, "Hi, Mama. I did what you asked with your ashes, I kept some if that's ok... " I began to tear up. "I hope you feel better now. I miss you so much... I've read the page about you passing in the journal over and over, it really helps... Thank you for making it for me, I'll continue to use it and cherish it forever... I love you, Mama." I wiped my eyes and began to stand up until a bird landed on the arm of the bench, it was a white dove... I smiled, I'm not alone, and I'll get to see her someday...
The dove flew to the nearest tree and perched there. I stood up, "I'll be back soon, Mama, love you..." And with those words, I walked to the street where everyone was waiting for me. From that moment on, I had faith that things were going to be alright...
I truly believe that the March's were called to help my mother and me. They were angels and for the next years, I continued to live with them, and our bonds only grew stronger. It felt as if I wasn't adopted and I had been a part of that family all along. My mother stayed close to my heart and will continue to, and she was right like she always was, things did get better...