I wish I could say that after being serenaded to sleep on the beach, I woke up feeling like myself again.
I wish I could say that I'm doing better and treating myself well but that wouldn't be the truth.
The truth is that Harry held me while I slept and woke me up about an hour and a half later after the first fan spotted us. We went back to his house and I went back to sleep again, in my own bed. H woke me for dinner and I picked through it a bit, we made a little bit of small talk and he told me that those men at the apartment were packing my things and bringing them over. They were also helping to pack and move Nicki's things. He also told me that I had several missed calls from Nicki, but he had answered Frankie's call so he could pass on that I was okay. Shortly after that, I went to sleep again, this time H sat with me in bed and read while I slept, it was comforting to have him there.
That sad routine repeated yesterday as well. I could tell Harry was getting worried, he called Frankie twice and both times Frankie reassured him that I would be okay and that this behavior was normal for me during one of these episodes. It didn't mean H would stop trying though.
He brought me water every hour, he brought in movies, and books too. At one point I asked him to read to me just so he would settle down and sit down for a bit. His voice is so fucking soothing though, I passed out almost immediately.
He brought that journal of his with him sometime in the evening and I woke up to him writing away, humming a melody to himself repeatedly.
"Hey, shut up. No spoilers." I mumbled from my pillow. I heard him chuckle softly before he slid down on the bed and placed his head on the pillow next to me. He smelled good, like he always does, but his hair was greasy and his skin was shiny like it was a bit oily. He needed a shower.
Wow, I've got some fucking nerve saying HE needs a shower. I've barely moved in 48 hours, I probably smell like a used sock, what the fuck is wrong with me.
He brought a hand up to my face and tweaked the tip of my nose before he held my chin with his thumb and index finger. He didn't look me in the eye when he spoke, instead, his eyes roamed my face like he wanted to remember it before his whispers hit my face. "I miss you, Jojo. Come back to me soon."
His eyes flicked to mine and then closed as he pressed his lips to the space between my eyebrows.
The day ended much like it began, I was asleep and Harry was keeping himself busy beside me.
Today, however, I have to be awake, much to my dismay. My things are being delivered today so I'll get up and get them put away, not because I want to, but because I don't want the mess in Harry's house. I will get up and be productive today so that I'm not such a burden.
I will feed myself. I will talk. I will get my things put away quickly and orderly so that they don't bring their chaotic energy into his home. I will take care of myself today so that he doesn't feel like he has to.
We leave in two days, and I'll be damned if he goes home to London worried about me. He has a photo shoot to do and he cannot have these bags under his eyes for it. He needs rest. He needs to prepare for the Grammys. He does not need to force-feed his pathetic " friend."
I spent 10 minutes bullying myself into getting out of this bed while I stare at the ceiling. The time has finally come, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get up.
My body is sore as I stand up from the bed, it's stiff from being in the same position for two days. I can feel the ache in my legs as the blood rushes to them, and the sting in my hamstrings as they stretch themselves out again. My neck is stiff and my shoulders are tense, I'm in desperate need of a hot shower.
I grab the fluffy, cream-colored towel from the back of my bedroom door and quietly make my way into the hall. I listen quietly to hear Harry, but the house is silent so I tiptoe to the banister and peek downstairs.
I find Harry sat still as a statue on a yoga mat in front of the french doors. His grey shirt is drenched in sweat and his hair is pulled back in a clip, so I can see his AirPods. I'm assuming he's already done his boxing workout which means he's already done his run too. After this meditation, he'll move on to yoga and then he'll be done until tonight.
That means I have plenty of time to shower and get ready before he comes to check on me. Maybe I can convince him that I'm okay.
I turn the shower on and let it get hot while I peel the slightly sticky clothes off of me. I've been laying there sweating in them for two days and it shows. The tile is cold under my feet as I stare down at them. Luckily the bathroom is filled with steam from the hot water so I don't have to worry about the huge mirror in front of me.
I can't look at her right now.
As I step into the shower I start to think of my mother. Will I end up like her? Will I start being a danger to others as well as myself? Is someone going to have to call those men in the baby blue scrubs to come to get me someday?
Will my child have to listen to me scream at them while they take me away?
Will I ever have a child?
Will someone ever love me enough to want to start a family with me?
Do I want to start a family? What if I have it too and I pass it down? Is this schizophrenia or am I just depressed?
I need to get more meds before we leave for the tour.
I need to take them this time.
I just wanted to know what my brain was like without them, I didn't plan on quitting them forever, but it's definitely time that they make their return. I can't stay like this.
The scalding water makes quick work of washing away the funk from my skin as I run a loofah over myself roughly, trying to scrub the shame from my body to no avail, just leaving angry red skin behind.
I finish the rest of my shower as quickly as possible, panicked that I'll take all of the hot water even though I'm sure he has a great hot water tank cause he's a fucking millionaire, but that doesn't cross my mind at the time.
The bathroom is still full of steam so I'm safe to dry off and step out onto the soft bath mat while I wrap the towel around myself. I brush my teeth quickly while I stare at the ceiling and then bolt from the small room before the steam can clear.
I check over the railing once again as I make my way back to my room, Harry isn't there anymore so he must be doing yoga outside today or in the home gym.
"Morning, Jo." His deep voice in front of me makes me jump and grip the banister.
"Fucking hell, Harry." I clutch my chest as I try to regulate my breathing.
"So sorry darling didn't mean to scare you." He has a small smile on his face and he crosses his arm over his chest and
moves the other to his face.
"You were in there for like an hour, I was starting to get worried."
"An hour!?" There is no way I was in there for an hour. It only took like 7 minutes to wash my hair and body, I could not have been standing there thinking for that long. It's just not possible.
He gives me a gentle nod and a small shrug "No big deal. Take as much time as you like. This is your home too. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. How are you feeling today?"
He gets closer to me as he talks, and tucks a wet strand of hair behind my ear.
I let out a heavy breath and finally meet his eyes, "I'm doing better. I feel good today." I use the same voice that I do on the phone with my dad on my bad days, but instead of being fooled harry gets a hard look on his face.
"You don't have to talk to me about it, but don't lie to my face about how you're feeling Jo. I may not know all of you, but I know you better than that." He huffs out a sigh and runs his hand down his face.
Fuck, now I've offended him by blatantly lying. I should have known better, how am I gonna fix this now? He's not gonna want me to stay here if I'm just fucking lying to him but he also isn't going to want me here if he knows how fucked up I am so this is a real lose-lose predicament I've gotten myself into.
I keep my eyes on the ground, but I can feel them flooding with tears while my sinuses burn. He deserves the truth.
"I'm sorry. I'm gonna get better I promise, I just- I'm scared that when you realize how fucked my brain really is, you won't want me around anymore and that's really scary cause even before this you were just about the only thing in my life that felt good and now I just don't know what I'd do if you didn't want me around cause I-"
My words stop when my throat is squished into Harry's shoulder. My hands are still clutching the towel around my body as his arms envelop me. One arm is around my shoulders and the other is wrapped tightly around my waist, he's pulled me so tightly against him that I can feel his chest and belly rise and fall with his heavy breath. He holds me there for several seconds before he lets go and grabs my face with both of his big ass hands.
"I want you around all the time. I want you with me all the time. If I could you fit you in my pocket just so I could never be without you, I would. I want you with me on your good days and your bad days and the days where you aren't even yourself. You are my good thing. You are the best thing."
His forehead is resting on mine now, he moves ever so slightly to press his lips softly against my cheek, and then my nose, across my face to my temple, then my right cheek, and then he places the softest kiss at the corner of my lips before he brushes his bottom lip across mine with the softest touch that sends shivers down my spine. His breath mixes with my own as I stand frozen in place before he leaves another feather-light kiss on the left corner of my mouth.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? What just happened!? DID HE JUST TOUCH MY MOUTH WITH HIS MOUTH!? That did not feel like the new years kiss. The new years' kiss didn't make my body tingle like that. FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
My brain is in no state to handle this. I can't process his words because his actions have flooded my head. Whore. Oh no.
Whore.
Whore.
Whore.
My body starts to shake as I feel the panic rise. "I'm sorry. I just need a minute. I have to get dressed. I'm sorry."
I use one hand to push lightly on his chest until he releases my face and steps away from me before I sprint into the bedroom and close the door behind me. I try to breathe but they're shallow and too fast. I walk to the dresser and my eyes meet my reflection in the mirror. Whore. Fuck, I need to get dressed.
I grab the towel around my body and throw it over the mirror before I start digging through drawers.
I find sweatpants and the biggest sweatshirt I can find and throw myself into them as soon as I get undergarments on my body.
My breathing is still not normal so I practice my 5,4,3,2,1 method while I comb and braid my wet hair. By the end of it, I can breathe normally again and my head isn't screaming at me anymore so I feel slightly better. I simply cannot allow myself to think of what happened in the hallway and I just might make it through the rest of the day.
~
The movers came and went within a few hours, I don't own that much stuff and all of the kitchen stuff just went into a storage unit of Harry's. They brought my clothes and shoes and decor and stuff up into the room and I spent a good three hours putting things away and trying to organize the space.
While I was doing that, Harry had stolen two bins of things from the apartment and added them to his home. When I came downstairs my throw pillows were on his couch, what was left of my books had their spot on his bookshelves, some of the artwork that was missing from the bins in the bedroom were hung on his walls. My crazy mismatched rugs were on his floors, my candles were burning. He had incorporated my things into his home like it was absolutely no big deal and I didn't know what to do about it so I just stared.
He looked hesitant at first but wiped it from his face quickly as he carried plates to the living room.
"Come on, you gotta eat something. We're taking a movie break." I didn't say anything, just followed him to the couch and sat down. My stomach growled when I saw the grilled cheese and tomato soup he had waiting for us. There were veggies too, but who cares about those.
We got settled with our food and then harry hit play and my stomach dropped again as I heard the familiar intro to Mary Poppins fill the room.
My mouth was hung open, my sandwich hadn't made it inside yet when I flicked my eyes to him. "You said you like to watch it with your mum...will you tell me about her?"
He looked so genuine, I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth.
"She hates me. We had to put her in an institution. It's really nice and they're good for her there...but she hates me. She has schizophrenia. Some people have it and live mostly normal lives with their loved ones but she couldn't. She tried to hurt herself one too my times. She tried to hurt us one too many times. She needed help that we couldn't provide."
I stare at the screen while the words come out, but I'm deep inside my head. No one here knows about my mom.
"She wasn't always that sick though. I have a lot of good memories with her. We had a lot of fun together until we didn't." I can feel a tear run down my cheek but I'm still frozen inside my head.
"It's hereditary. I could have it. She didn't know until her 20s so I could find out I have it any day. I'm scared every day. Every single day I'm so scared that this isn't just depression, that it's worse."
Harry grabs my hand and squeezes it, bringing my focus back to the moment. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
I set my sandwich down and wipe my tears with the sleeve of my sandwich before I look up to him.
There are tears on his cheeks too, and his eyes are still full of tears. "Don't cry. I'm so sorry. God, I didn't mean to be such a fucking bummer, I'm sorry."
I reach my hands to his face and wipe his tears with my thumbs. "Don't apologize Jo. Don't ever apologize for that. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you for trusting me. I wish I could change it all for you. I wish I could fix it."
I give a small smile to my sweet friend and take a deep breath before turning back to my lunch. "You're lucky we're watching this now, otherwise I'd be singing along," I mumble as I stuff a corner of grilled cheese into my mouth.
~
We watched the movie in relative silence, Harry didn't let go of my hand the entire time, and at some point, he pulled me into him so that I was leaning into him while we watched my favorite characters dance through a chalk painting.
By the end of the movie I had fallen asleep, and now we find ourselves here. I blink my eyes quickly as I wake up, trying to register my surroundings. The surface I'm laying on is moving, and that's concerning.
It also smells good and it's quite warm. when I lift my head my eyes are blessed with a stubbly, sharp jawline, perfectly pink lips parted slightly, and long lashes dusting soft cheeks.
I'm laying on top of Harry Styles.
I NAPPED ON TOP OF HARRY STYLES.
NAPPED ON HIM.
WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh my god, he almost kissed me today. Was that today? It's always such a fucking fog when I'm gonna like that.
It's not foggy anymore. I'm back.
IM BACK BABY, IM RUNNING THIS SHIT AGAIN. And just in time to spiral about what the FUCK happened in that hallway.
That was not a friendly lip brush. Friendly lip brushes don't exist, they're not a thing. That was SOMETHING.
Something big?
Maybe.
No.
No, it can't be something big. that's too much, that's way way waaaay too much.
I just had my first one night stand where I didn't want to throw myself off a bridge afterward, I'm not ready for something big with anyone. I'm certainly not ready for something big with Harry.
Harry stirs beneath me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. I hadn't even noticed his hand was there, but it's a comforting gesture during my spiral into madness.
I place a hand on the couch next to his side and my other on the back of the couch as I try to lift myself off of him without waking him up. It doesn't work. The hand he has on my back becomes an arm as he pulls me tightly against him while he mumbles "No. No, please."
How the fuck am I supposed to leave him after that? I huff out a quick breath, blowing away the hairs that are stuck to my face. My breath must have jostled him because he stirs again and moves his head this time, twitching his eyes open slowly. His other arm is propped behind his head like he was still watching the movie when he fell asleep. He scratches his floppy hair and yawns once before his eyes meet mine.
"You are not as comfy as the mattress upstairs, H. I would know, Me and that mattress have become very close in the last two days." He lets out a soft laugh before gasping softly and sitting up, almost breaking my fucking neck in the process.
"Jesus Christ, I was LAYING THERE. Who do you think I am, Gumby!?
Harry's hands grip my face for the millionth time today and he pulls me closer to him so I'm basically straddling his lap while he is stretched out on the couch.
"Say it again. Look at me and call me that again." I lift my eyebrow at him in confusion before I speak.
"H?" A smile spreads across his face while he flicks backs and forth between my eyes.
"Hi, Jojo. I missed you."
________________________
HEY, Hi, hello.
wow i didn't want to write this chapter. it was like pulling teeth.
there has been a a lot of drama online in the last couple of days and my anxiety is sky high rn so i'm sorry if this chapter is jumbled or disconnected, so is my brain.
next chapter is london and i'm very excited for it. also, jo is not perfect. she is going to make mistakes and make choices that you may not agree with. i love that about her. keep that in mind as this story progresses.
ALSO WE HIT 4K!? that's incredible. i cried over 500 reads just a few months ago, i can't tell you how much 4k means to me.
i love you all. truly.
thanks for being here, - mo💖
talk to me on twitter @ stachestyles_