Secrets-Stray kids

A World without him

A world without him


"In my arms only the emptiness remains,
By wandering around,
I finally realized,
That I have to let go of you."

- Stray Kids 'Levanter

No one had said a word in the hours after Jisung's death.

The silence hung like an iron blanket on the shoulders of each one of the boys, dragging them down to be hunched over, in pain. The weight of the past events at the station made it almost impossible to walk or move, let alone speak. Chan didn't know why people called silence 'peace'. The stillness was anything but comforting, it draped itself upon his shoulders like a weighted blanket, threatening to collapse him on the floor. He wasn't even sure he could trust himself to speak, or whether any sound at all would leave his lips if he dared to try. It seemed like an unbreakable curse, the silence, condemning them to a life without words; the laconistic years laying out before him. Home felt like he had never left the ghost station at all.

The room was emptying around him. Jeongin and Minho had headed straight for their bedrooms the second they'd stepped into the house. Changbin, Seungmin and Felix sat around the table nearby, but they felt a million miles away. Hyunjin had entered, walking very slowly, his complexion so pale Chan wondered if it was translucent. He moved towards the table and Felix rose, throwing himself into Hyunjin's arms. Neither moved, nor made a sound. Silent, ivory statues; their faces carved with the sharpness of despair and eyes weary with agony. Without each other, Chan expected they'd crumble.

He wasn't sure how he hadn't collapsed himself. All he wanted was to cry, to curl into a ball and hug himself in a desperate attempt to comfort himself.

"Hey, Chan, look at me."

Chan looked up at who had spoken to him. Their image was blurred by tears he hadn't even realised had begun to fall onto his cheeks, clouding his vision. He lifted a hand to quickly wipe them away, sniffing as he was finally able to focus on Changbin. "Yes?"

"It isn't your fault, you know." Changbin crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter. "None of us knew this was going to happen, we had absolutely no idea that... that he wouldn't be here right now."

Chan hung his head, letting out a shaky sigh. Sometimes he hated how well his friends knew him so well to detect the exact second he blamed himself for something. Sometimes he wished he was unreadable. "I'm meant to take care of you all. I was meant to protect him, to look after him, and I failed."

"No, you didn't. You cannot watch all of us every single second of every day. It's impossible. There will always be a time you'll have to let us go and make our own decisions."

"If we had just not fought with Minho none of this would've happened." Chan brushed his tears away once more. "If I just went after Jisung instead, he would still be here. I should've trusted Jeongin and listened to him."

"You don't know that he'd be okay or have made it, this exact thing still could have occurred."

"If we found him sooner, he wouldn't have died. You cannot tell me that isn't true. If he got help sooner, he'd be right here with Minho. He was seconds away from being able to be saved, but he died because I didn't goddamn find him sooner."

Changbin went quiet for a moment. "If you keep blaming yourself, it's going to kill you."

Felix pulled himself away from Hyunjin, clearing his throat. "I'm going to go check on Jeongin." His expression was pained, uncomfortable For a moment Chan had forgotten that Changbin and him were not the only ones in the room.

"Alright." Hyunjin looked reluctant to let Felix go, watching him walk out of the room. His eyes shifted back to Chan and Changbin, his jaw clenched. His expression was similar to the one Chan always noticed when he was ready to fight someone, or was trying to suppress anger. "Both of you need to go. It doesn't matter where, but the last thing the rest of us need is people fighting."

Hyunjin left without another word, Seungmin awkwardly shuffling to stand and do the same, not even looking in his direction. Changbin let out an exasperated sigh, stepping towards the door to follow.

"Go get rest, Chan. You need it."

The loneliness solidified physically as Chan stood beside the counter, tears blurring his vision once again.

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A/N-sorry for not posting for a while- kinda got busy with irl stuff :) hoping i can keep this story going even if this is the second chapter x