Who I Want to Be

Crushes

Another weekend passes before my eyes. April arrives and spring pushes up from the soil. Small buds of growth signal that the long winter is finally reaching its end. When I stand behind the house, the breeze carries a subtle fragrance from Anna's flower beds, even though none of her plants have bloomed.

For lunch today, Clo wants to go to a different park, twenty minutes from our school. The four of us walk down a sidewalk crowded with students, and stop part way to buy fresh sandwiches from a corner store. According to Marion they're pretty good, but I'm not buying one so I only have her word for it. Instead I wait outside while Clo, Marion and Emma all go in. The line to purchase sandwiches almost snakes out the front door. As the sun beats down, cooking me in my spring jacket, I kick at some gravel beneath my sneakers.

Suddenly Tobias appears beside me.

"Hey," he says.

"Oh, hi!" I turn towards him, evidently startled. He seems taller than normal and my heart skips a beat. Before I know it my cheeks are tingling. As well, his crooked nose appears less and less crooked with each glance. My eyes trail downward to the crumpled bill clutched in his hands.

"Are you buying lunch?" He looks down as if he only now noticed he was carrying cash.

"Yeah," he replies, followed by a nervous sort of laugh. "Well, I was hoping, but it kinda looks crowded."

"True." My voice feels weaker than normal. I dig my heel into the stubborn pavement to calm down.

"What about you?" Embarrassed, I point at my dirty lunch bag with the childish pattern. "Oh cool." I guess he has nothing else to say because our conversation progresses into long moments of empty silence. For every second he doesn't move or speak I feel more uneasy. I keep digging at the ground like I'm going to break through the gravel path. Then I gather all my attention at the store entrance, hoping Marion, Clo, and Emma are seconds from walking out.

All of a sudden, Tobias gently tugs at my arm, pulling me towards him. My brain bursts with so many emotions: embarrassment, bashfulness, awkwardness, mortification. My stomach flips inside out, my breath shortens, and my heart beats ferociously. Where I just stood, a group of girls walk towards the store. If possible, my cheeks flare up even more.

"I'm sorry," is all I can muster. Tobias's hand still rests on my arm. Should I say something else? But before I do, he looks at me and quickly lets go. His absence begets a rush of disappointment.

"No, I'm sorry." I look over to him; his eyes immediately fall to the pavement.

"It's okay." I touch above my elbow, where his hand rested a short moment ago. It still tingles.

"I should probably get going." But before he can leave, my friends barrel out of the convenience store, giggling and unwrapping their lunch. Marion is heading the pack and sees us first.

"Hey Tobias," she waves. "What are you up to?" They walk over to meet us.

"Nothing really." He pulls out the hand clutching the bill - it's a five dollar. "Getting lunch."

"Cool. Well, see you." The three of them begin walking down the street in the direction of the park. I can stay here or I can follow them - the choice must be made quickly. Before Tobias can say goodbye I am already sprinting down the sidewalk to catch up.

We arrive at the park and sit on the grassy field. They're almost finished eating but I haven't started. Still, they kindly sit with me while I scarf down my unimpressive meal.

Clo scans the park and notices that Julien is there. Suddenly she squeals.

"Oh my gosh," she exclaims, "look!" Emma and Marion instantly follow her finger.

"You should go say something," Marion suggests.

"No way."

"It's easy. I'll go for you." While Emma speaks she begins standing up.

"No! Don't!" Clo is laughing as she grabs the hem of Emma's skirt to pull her back down. "That's so embarrassing."

"But nothing will happen if you don't act up."

"Stop it." Clo is still giggling.

"Hey," Marion interrupts, "why don't we send Gabby?" Suddenly all three of them turn to me. They stare me down for a good moment before Clo bursts into another bout of laughter.

"Yeah," she chuckles, "like that'd work." I look down at my lap; my hands are shaking a little.

I'm sorry, I almost say, but I hold back. Luckily, too, because I doubt Clo would want my apology.

"She'd clear the air for you," Marion persists. A lump forms in my throat.

"Fine," Clo relinquishes, and my heart stops. "I'll go over." Relief courses through me at her words. Clo stands up cautiously. "Spot me. How do I look?"

"Great," Marion thumbs up, and Emma nods in agreement.

"If this doesn't go well, I'm going to kill you guys." After an overload of praise, she walks away from the group. Marion and Emma watch her steadily but I don't. Instead I try to shrink into the background.

To be entirely honest, I lied earlier about never talking to Julien. We had one interaction at the beginning of grade 9 but I don't like remembering it. I was walking down a side street near the school when I heard a voice holler at me across the road. I turned to find Julien standing a few meters from his friend group and pointing in my direction.

"You dropped something," he yelled. I had followed the direction of his finger and turned behind me, but I couldn't see it. "It's right there." I kept looking, even backing away to get a better sightline. It went on like that for a full minute. Still, I could not find what I had dropped. Eventually I gave up and decided to keep walking.

"Seriously," he persisted, "It's right there." I turned back once more and gave it another look. Then, I heard laughter coming from his direction. I noticed that he and his friends were all mocking me, that I hadn't actually dropped anything. My cheeks flushed red and I felt extremely embarrassed. As fast as possible, I looked ahead and walked down the street, away from the mocking boys.

There are some people, I guess, who can just be mean. In the corner of my eye, Clo makes her way over to that same group of boys; they stop and turn towards her and she introduces herself before joining their conversation. I don't know how she does it. If that were me, I'd just run away and hide.