Have yourself a merry little Christmas

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The seemingly endless group photos.

The cheerful toasts, and the homely conversations in which he struggled to participate.

The South Korean accent, and his subsequent personal dilemma— should he be mimicking it as he had learnt in Hanawon with other defectors, or should he just speak in his native tongue?

It was supposed to be a season of joy, a time for love and cheer, and a time to make memories to last throughout the year.

North Koreans do not typically celebrate Christmas; the majority does not even know of its existence. Even when he was studying in Switzerland, he had always experienced the festive holidays as an outsider.

The last time Jeong Hyeok had come close to celebrating Christmas with a loved one was with Se-ri back in North Korea

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The last time Jeong Hyeok had come close to celebrating Christmas with a loved one was with Se-ri back in North Korea. He remembered the heart-shaped card and the shrub which she had moved into the living room and decorated like a Christmas tree.

But that day too, had gone horribly wrong

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But that day too, had gone horribly wrong.

Se-ri had been taken from him, and there was the sound of that gunshot over the phone. His world had been shot into smithereens back then, and it was one of the rare times in life when Jeong Hyeok truly feared.

Understandably, Christmas isn't Jeong Hyeok's favorite festive holiday.

After all their guests had left, the couple sat by the Christmas tree with their infant son, soaking in a quiet moment as a family of three.

"Are you feeling better?" Came Se-ri's voice, reaching out like a warm hand through the bitter snowstorm in his heart.

She didn't ask if he was alright; she already knew he wasn't.

Gazing down at the baby's peaceful, angelic visage, the former North Korean soldier was filled with emotions that he struggled to put into words.

Ri Jeong Hyeok— ex-soldier, defector, unfilial son, he silently thought. Spending Christmas with his new family had magnified the guilt that he felt over leaving his parents behind in the North.

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