i dreamt about him again. i walked outside and he was sitting in a chair. i ran up and held him so tight. then when i looked at him his face wasn't his and it kept distorting.
dear gods i miss him. sometimes the songs we used to listen to together come on and it makes me cry. usually on the bus. not sobbing but, i definitely get teary and earn a large lump in my throat.
ever since the note incident, i stopped writing completely. and i mean COMPLETELY. my language arts teacher has these things where you can write an essay if you want, and its completely your choice. i could never finish the writing.
i feel like keeping a diary again will help me. with what? i have no idea. sometimes when i think too much i get massive headaches. that only started happening when i quit writing, so maybe this will clear my head.
the note from the "incident" had shawn mendes lyrics and my feelings about E on them. and somehow it got the police involved and me put on suicide watch. oh it also earned me my first panic attack according to the guidance counselor. (i hate that women so much, she will get her own entry one day)
heres what the note incident consisted of, since i keep mentioning it.
so me and my friend decided to skip class together. i skipped alot in seventh grade. she was sitting in my lap in a stall, and we were goofing off, and all of a sudden the SCHOOL COP asks if im in there. of course i say yes, and he asks me to come out. he asks me why i skipped, and i said a dumb excuse like i was having a bad day, and he says that they have been searching for me. by THEY he meant
the dean
the principal
the vice principal
the other school cop
and the guidance counselor
so of course im freaked, wondering what i did wrong. so i am told to go with the GC and she asks if E was in the stall with me. i said no, because E wasn't, and then ask if E is missing or something, because i didn't know why else she would bring E up. she says that my math teacher found a note by my desk, and i thought it was gonna say something like "do u hav the answers?" because i didn't remember the note she ended up pulling put of a bright orange envelope. i reread it and said "oh, these right here are song lyrics, me and E use them to express our feelings better." SHE TOLD ME TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES.
GIRL.
I GOT PISSED.
i said some things like
"how can anyone trust you enough to talk to you if you say that their feelings are an excuse?"
"im not suicidal!"
"im not depressed, its just modern teen angst!"
well more yelled some things like that. i was shaking and yelling. not crying yet, (i cant even cry infront of my own mom) when she asked to see my wrists. so i aggressively rolled up my sleeves to show BARE wrists and she pointed out a baking burn scar and stuff. so at the end she gave me the note, told me about how she told my mom, and handed me an ugly green notebook and told me to write in it and show her.
i wrote "this is stupid." and handed it back to her and walked out. as soon as i got out i ran to the bus loop. (the bell already rang) i ran into DD and she started ranting about her day, AND WHEN I TOLD HER I WAS PANICKING AND I NEEDED TO KNOW WHERE M IS, SHE TOLD ME TO SHUT UP.
but thinking back she never cared.
anyways, i ran from her, found E and hugged her.
that's when the tears started.
of course people gathered around pretty quick, mostly my friends, and they all listened as i told E. i got comforting hugs from some friends, but i was still so scared that my mom would hate me.
anyways, that's what the incident was. so now my diary is digital. i know nobody that i know is gonna read this, they don't use wattpad, but im still giving everyone code names.
so after school E came over. we had a little emotional talk thingy at night. that's it really.
