Wicked Things We Crave

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Astrid took his hand and stepped over the pile on the floor, giving him one last long look before going downstairs in silence. 

Once he reached the second to last step, Jonah took a seat; far enough to give them a sense of privacy, but close enough to listen in and know if he was needed. 

Rachel was standing by the window when Astrid sat on the couch, staring at her lap rather than in her mother's direction. 

"My parents weren't wealthy, but my mother's parents were," Rachel began. "They felt like they'd failed with my mother, because she married below her means, and were determined not to fail with me. They sent me to an all girl boarding school, kept me busy with summer camps and volunteer work every summer, had me do debutant balls. The works. As a teenager, I never had a boyfriend, went out on a date, or even had a kiss. I was so sheltered because my grandparents feared that if they let me out into the world, I'd rebel. 

"Because they gave my parents the start-up money for their grocery store, they felt they didn't have the right to intervene, not even when I was sent to a private college nearby. My first year back from college, they allowed me to work at my parents grocery store. That was when I met your father. I don't know if it was real love, or if I'd just been sheltered so much that when I fell, I fell too hard and too quickly.  But make no mistake, I was crazy about that man. He was so different than anyone I'd ever met. He was real and genuine, and so handsome in that rustic sort of way. 

"When I had to go back to college, it broke my heart. He snuck up to see me a few months in, and we had this romantic weekend that left me pregnant by the end of it. I cared for your father more than anything, but I married him because me and my parents would be completely disowned if I didn't. My grandparents intended on grooming him, making him more presentable to their world. 

"I was terrified, Astrid. I went from being a child in pretty much every way, to expecting a child of my own, and even though my parents were supportive, and your father was excited, I couldn't bring myself to be happy about it. I thought the happiness would come the first time I held you in my arms, but I just ended up feeling empty. That wasn't your fault, Astrid. You were a great baby, and the life I led with your father was a good one, but emotionally I just wasn't ready to be a parent or to live that life."

Jonah's eyes remained on Rachel until the very end, looking for some sign of bullshit where there was none to be found. Her eyes were glossy, her body had a slight tremble, and the light blush she had tinting her skin when she arrived was gone. 

When his eyes moved toward Astrid, he noticed she still wasn't looking up at the woman who'd given birth to her. "So you left," Astrid guessed. 

Rachel nodded. "Eventually, yes. I kept trying. For four years, I was hoping something in my brain would click and I'd suddenly feel like a mother, and be able to become a proper one, but for those four years, I ended up feeling like I was on pause while the rest of my life kept going on. I was stuck. I was jealous of everyone who was able to have this connection with you and make you smile, jealous of your father loving you more than he loved me, and angry at myself for living this life I couldn't breathe in. 

"I realized everyone would be better off if I left, be able to start a real family without me weighing them down, so I left. It wasn't that you weren't worth loving, Astrid, it was that I was living a life I wasn't ready for, with a child I stupidly blamed for my own mistakes. That wasn't your fault, it was mine. I erased you from my history, because I was ashamed of the person I was, and I was scared to face you because doing that meant having to face the person I used to be."

Jonah hadn't really thought about it for years, but Rachel really had been like a child in so many ways when he first met her, and even still at the time she'd left. He'd experienced quite a bit by that time, but she'd experienced virtually nothing. She'd gone from being trapped in one cage, to becoming trapped in another. 

He wondered how differently Astrid would have turned out if Rachel had stuck around. For so long, he blamed her for ditching her and Scott, but what if she'd stayed? What if Astrid had grown up living in a house with a mother who couldn't or wouldn't bond with her? He doubted she would have turned out the same vibrant, loving woman she was today. Something like that would have weighed her down so much more than abandonment had. 

"Do  you want me to forgive you?" Astrid asked.

"I've hardly earned that. If you do decide to forgive me, it should be for your own benefit, not my own. I came here with no expectations, Astrid. I only wanted you to hear my side. I'm not saying what I did was right or wrong, but it was a choice I made because it felt best for everyone, including you."

Astrid nodded slow, then picked herself off the couch and walked over to him. "I'm going to sleep," she told Jonah. 

He gave her a soft kiss on the lips, then watched her walk back up the stairs. By the time she disappeared from his view, Rachel was standing at the door. "I'd say, 'take care of her', but I know you will."