For God and Country (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 33

Harry poked his head inside the door to the bedroom, "Um, hey Zee. Louis said you wanted to talk to me."

Zayn waved him over and settled into a comfortable position. Louis followed him inside but Zayn put his hand up, "I think I need to do this without you, Lou. Just me and Harry."

Harry looked up, wide-eyed, at his boyfriend. Louis nodded solemnly and left. Harry turned back to Zayn with his already red lip between his teeth. Zayn carefully sat up, with Harry's help, and faced Harry on the bed.

"How are you, Harry?"

"I think better than you, no offense."

Zayn huffed an easy laugh, "None taken. You're probably right, but I know you and Lou had a rocky reunion last night and after weeks apart that had to hurt. Wanna tell me what happened?"

Harry seemed to get smaller as Zayn kept talking and by the end he was playing with the rings on his fingers and looking at his lap. "I don't know. I, I thought I was-" Harry huffed in annoyance, "I feel weird saying this in front of you."

"Okay, um, that's fine. You don't have to talk, but I'm just trying to understand you and your relationship better. And I was hoping to help you understand Louis a bit better as well."

Harry swallowed thickly and nodded, "Yeah, okay." Harry readjusted so he was fully facing Zayn, sitting cross-legged in front of him, "I was good the whole time he was gone. Except for once but he doesn't know. But I didn't come and I wrote the letters and I've never done something like that before and I was so proud and then he didn't even care and said that I couldn't, um, couldn't use my, like, name for him, and I disappointed him. I can't believe I disappointed him. Then I had to convince him to stay so he didn't leave me, with a blowjob. Like that's all he wanted from me. But I didn't care because at least he stayed the night."

Harry was out of breath by the time he finished and his cheeks were tracked with tear stains. Zayn reached a hand out and put it gently on his knee. "I think I might be able to explain why Louis' acting the way he is. But you have to believe me when I say that a blowjob isn't the reason he stayed. He loves you so much he doesn't even know what to do with it."

Harry looked up at Zayn in surprise, "He, he loves me?"

Zayn was taken aback. "Of course he loves you. I can't imagine he doesn't tell you twenty-four seven."

Harry looked back to his lap, "No, I mean, he's never said it. He tells me sometimes that I'm good or that I'm his boy, but he's never said that. I didn't, I wasn't sure, ya know."

Zayn softened, practically melted at Harry's words. He wanted to hug the boy but he back was already screaming from sitting up so he just rubbed his knee and said, "Trust me, Harry. He loves you. Louis' never really been good with words, so sometimes he's an idiot and doesn't say what he means."

"I feel like he always means what he says."

"He's got a quick tongue and a wounded ego. You can't take his words at face value when he's angry or confused. Plus he's afraid."

"Louis' not afraid of anything."

Zayn laughed then, startling Harry out of his downward spiral, "He's afraid of so much. He just plays it off well."

Harry nodded but didn't understand. "He's not afraid I'll leave, right? Because I won't. I couldn't."

Zayn shook his head, "No I don't think so. Actually it's more like he's afraid you won't leave. He's afraid that he'll hurt you and you'll let him, just take it, and he won't see what he's done until it's too late."

"He'd never hurt me."

"But that's what you're asking him to do. Sorry if it's none of my business, but he told me you want a lot of dangerous things from him. Things that, whether you enjoy it or not, would hurt you."

Harry flushed bright red at that. He didn't know Zayn knew about the things Harry's asked of Louis. "But we talked about it, or I thought we did. He knows it's what I want."

"In our minds that doesn't make sense. We've seen a different world than you have," Zayn sighed and lifted his arm to run a hand through his hair, but winced in pain instead. Harry reached for him but Zayn shook him off with a nod. "I'm going to tell you something that I've only told one person in my whole life."

"Louis?"

"Yeah, Louis. But you need to know so you can understand where Louis' coming from."

Harry settled in and nodded, "Okay. Go."

***

Louis paced his living room, glancing down the hall every time he reached that side of the room. What was taking them so fucking long? It's been at least twenty minutes and Louis' nails were close to bleeding from biting them.

Finally he heard the door open and ran to the end of the hallway to see Harry walking out with a look of pure despair washed over his features. Louis opened his mouth to call to him, but Harry just walked straight to him and fell to his knees in front of him, wrapping his arms around Louis' waist. Louis' hands immediately went to Harry's hair and neck, holding him firmly to his stomach. Louis could feel the wet drops of his tears through his shirt so he curled his fingers tight in Harry's locks.

"I love you so much," Harry choked.

Louis entire body went fluid at Harry's confession, his eyes falling closed as he dropped to his knees as well. "I love you, baby." Harry buried his face in Louis' neck and cried while Louis held him close.