Take Me To Your Heart

Finally

Half-way through the movie, I realize the chattering has stopped. I look down at Bulut to find him fast asleep against his uncle. "Ferit." I whisper, pointing to the boy. "Should we take him to bed?"

Ferit seems half-asleep himself and nods, rubbing his eyes. I stand, picking Bulut off of him. Ferit follows me as I take Bulut to his bedroom. The kid didn't even brush his teeth I realize, sighing. We have to be better tomorrow. Ferit helps me tuck him into bed, both of us leaving him with kisses on the forehead.

We exit his room quietly, closing the door behind us. I stare at him awkwardly, realizing I have to follow him to his room now. I feel so unprepared for our married life to really begin.

Ferit starts walking to his room and I trail behind, trying my best to calm myself. We are both adults, I chant to myself. We can share a room.

I escape into the bathroom to take a shower, grabbing my most conservative set of pajamas along the way. Ferit is sitting up reading when I reemerge, wet hair wrapped in my towel. He smirks a little at how ridiculous I look, but returns to his book without comment. I settle into the bed, as far away from him as possible, and grab my own book. We read for a while, side by side in companionable silence, until both of us agree to turn off the light and go to sleep. The whole scene is oddly comfortable and I find myself letting my guard down. It is too easy to forget his hurtful words when we are like this.

I unwrap my hair and return the towel to the bathroom before lying down. Ferit lies down as well, turning on his side to face me. "Thank God, that went well." Ferit says.

I turn towards him as well, both of us lying on our sides staring at each other. "Bulut seems very happy to be with us." I say with a smile. "But, we have to do better on the discipline front, tomorrow." I say, frowning. This parenting thing was going to be a journey.

He nods, but his expression is unconcerned. "Don't worry. We will."

His reassurance works. Ferit will make sure the rules are followed, I'm sure of it. "I hope I can be a good parent to him." I whisper, revealing a little of my fear. It's never something I wanted to do, but now that I have to, I want so desperately to be good at it. I don't want to let Zeynep down.

Ferit reaches over to stroke my hair gently. "You will. He already loves and trusts you so much. You're a natural." I smile, appreciating the compliment, but the doubt still fills me. I've always been good with kids, but that's quite different than having one of your own to be responsible for. "We will be okay." He says again, as if he can sense that I'm still not feeling confident.

I inch closer to him, seeking his warmth and comfort. He inches closer as well as if he is desperate to give it.

But, I stop myself, turning onto my back to stare at the ceiling. This is not real. I remind myself. "Yeah." I force out and turn away from him, trying to regain control. I chide myself for nearly getting carried away again. It was only a couple days ago that he had gotten mad at me for no reason. And now I had nearly crawled onto his chest. Why was it so hard to remember that I was angry at him?

I close my eyes, praying that sleep will come easily.

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Ferit and I settle into a routine with Bulut. I handle getting the boy ready for school in the morning, allowing Ferit to leave for the office early. In exchange, he returns home at six o'clock on the dot, leaving Bulut with his nanny for only a couple of hours after school. Once the restaurant opens, I'll likely be working for at least four nights a week, but for now, I try to return home each day before Bulut's bed time.