My Near Death Experience

Before

Since I was about eleven years old I struggled with suicidal thoughts. That voice inside of you that tells you how horrible you are..how unworthy, ugly, unwanted, a waste of space, was very strong. It started around this age due to emotional and sexual abuse from my mom's boyfriend. He lived with us and was a big portion of my early teens.

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts since. My mother didn't believe in depression. She said, "It's called life, everyone's is hard, put on your big girl pants and move on." She obviously suffered from depression herself but wouldn't ever admit it. So mine went untreated and repressed. I never acted upon my emotions. I did cut when I was a teen, but it was superficial wounds. They were never meant to cause injury. It was a control thing. I could control how I felt and how the blood came out of the cut. It was the only control I had. I never once acted upon my suicidal thoughts though. I would secretly pray for a car accident or something. All the time. Nightly I would pray hoping I wouldn't wake up. One of my fall asleep techniques was to lay on my back, arms folded on my chest, lying still eyes closed pretending I was lying in a coffin to go to sleep. Every part of me just wanted to die.

I know what you may be thinking right now. Wow, if she wanted it that bad what stopped her. One word. MOM. I knew my mom couldn't bury me. I couldn't do that purposely to her even though that's all I wanted. I told myself as soon as my moms gone I am out of here. I literally was living just for my mom a lot of the times. It worked fairly well..until my mid 30s...