Hunny

The Letter To My First Ever Love

Dear You.

The simplest things mean so much to me. But you don't get that. Walking in the park, drinking a 2 dollar coffee or eating a 50-cent ice cream while having deep conversations, strolling on the beach, or eating popcorn on the couch while snuggled up to you is what makes me whole. Yes, the intimacy in bed was wonderful, but I'm not here to be just another pillow that you sleep with now and then. I'm not someone who is making love to you because of how masculine and sexy you are, but simply the person that you are inside. So you can say that I'm the helpless of helpless romantics, that I enjoy sentimental things... but don't take me for a fool; don't make me feel like one either. I know I can be emotional, but I have you to thank. Because ever since we started talking, I have done nothing but fall in love with you every minute of every day, for 3 - almost 4 years straight. And at a young age, pouring my heart and soul into my first-ever love, I have gotten nothing in return but names and words you text to me out of anger and frustration. It then turns into a petty argument, and we both end up not talking and blocking each other for a few weeks or months. But then we both return, and we act like nothing ever happened.
This has happened multiple times over the 3 years, and I'm sorry it did. But all I ever asked for was honesty and the truth. But you made it out to be like I was asking for millions, asking for a Louis Vuitton Handbag, asking you to stop praying to your gods and beliefs.
I'm not one of your ex's.
I'm sorry if I was ever stressful in the time of emotion; it has and will never be my intention.
Though I only saw you 3 times, those 3 times meant more than they should have. Though we kissed twice and made love once, those special moments will be my forever memories.
To you, I'm just another woman: another contact, another person on your social media, another screenshot on your phone, another DM. At first, I wasn't okay with it; I didn't want to be anyone's "go-to" or "good time". But I placed my morals in a jar and gave you the things you wanted, if that meant I could spend time with you. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time, or took up space on your phone. I'm sorry I frustrated you and forced you at times to talk to me. But all I wanted was just a little bit of your genuine attention, and a genuine conversation, cause we don't do that anymore.
In a pandemic, you are a free, busy man, while I have just started my life on the other side of Australia now. I wish things were different. I wish I never left, I wish I didn't open up so much, I wish we were close to the same age. But life takes its course, and it took me away from you.
I don't know, and probably will never know if you feel the same way. I wish I did so I could move on or try and work it out with you. I just don't get why it's so hard for you to tell me if you like me too.
You were my first of everything, and unfortunately not my last. And I'm finally okay with that.
You saved me 3 years ago from a year of torture and pain, struggles and breakdowns, and I thank you for that. Throughout the 3 years, you have taught me nothing but self-love, self-worth, to let things flow, not to care, and you showed me who I really am. And I thank you. You were a lesson of love, what love should be and shouldn't be like. All I want is for you to be happy and find happiness and peace because you deserve it. You are a good man who means well; you just have to find the right person to call home. I wish it was me, but at least we - or at least I got to picture what our lives would have been like together if things never changed. You are alone and lost in a town I wish I was still in, and it kills me. I just hope you find someone who will love you for you, like how I will always love you.

There is one thing you don't know, but I was fruitful for 3 weeks- without knowing- after I saw you that one last time. After the 3 weeks, I lost the little seed, and I never felt so alone in my life. I never craved your embrace the way I did that morning. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
But what were you meant to say? That you were sorry too?
I was gone by then.

Love you always, Hunny xx.