Baby Felix

happy song

When he comes to the kitchen he is quick to realize that he is the last one and the other seven members are already sitting at the table, looking at him with partly anticipating, partly confused and partly judging eyes. Just like he has feared.

His gaze wanders over those faces, one or two rise their corners of the mouth to a small smile when it passes them, the leftover faces cold as stone. But a smile is good, isn't it? It means not all chances are lost, right? Right?

The silence is terrifying, it never is this quiet. There is always some noise, might it be the bickering of two members or one of the eight boys laughing over something silly. When they eat they chat about their day even if they spend most of it together. During their meals Jisung talk about a new documentary he's seen or Hyunjin about a new dance, more often than not discussing it with Minho and Felix. And if that isn't the case then Minho would talk about his cats, Hyunjin about his dog, even Chan would always find a story or two to tell about Berry. Or one of the others would come up with any topic. But it is never quiet.

Unless now when the eyes of his friends,,, or should he say former friends?,,, bore themselves into him like daggers, their eyes following him like a hawk its prey when he walks towrds his place, tha last free chair. He's never been as afraid as he is in this very moment. Not even when he met them for the first time and he barely understood Korean, not when he nearly got eliminated, not ever has he been this afraid. Because he knew they have his back. But now,,, now he doesn't and it is the most terrifying, most horrifying, most painful feeling he has ever felt. He feels like he's drowning.

It's Chan who talks first, not that it surprises Felix. He's always the one to start solving a problem as not only being the leader but also the oldest of Stray Kids.
"Felix. Sit down. We wanted to eat, you're the last one missing."

Painfully, he notices how the older hasn't used any type of nickname like he usually would, his voice not as soft and warm as it usually would be. But at least they still want him to sit with them and this is good, right?

They eat in total silence, his head held down over his own bowl, trying to ignore the gazes that drill themselves into him like daggers. He tries to ignore the awkward silence, pretending that everything is fine. Except it isn't, and they all know it.

As finally the last bowl is empty, the last member sated, as finally the last chopsticks are lied down, as finally the meal is finished, it's only then that he dares to look up again. He's met with 14 eyes looking at him and him only. Despite usually enjoying the attention of the members on him it much more feels like he's getting eliminated again, as if he'd be sitting in front of the judges again, trying to fight for his position in the group. Except there is no Minho teaching him Korean, there's no Jisung helping him with his rap and no Seungmin helping him with his singing, no Hyunji helping him with his dance. There's no Chan being an Aussie brother and supporting him more than anyone else. There's none of them.

Only those hard, intimidating eyes.

He wants to cry, but he has to keep it inside. Don't give them a reason to look even more down on you, don't give them a chance to hurt you. Do. Not. Let. Them. See. The. Pain.

And so, he doesn't cry. He only looks up shattered, he's only sitting there numbing up more and more. Because if they hate him now, he has nothing anymore. It's all or nothing. He loses them, he loses his reason to smile, his reason to continue, he loses his laugh, his will to live. They are everything for him. Everything.

Surprisingly, it's not Chan or Minho, not even Changbin who closes his arms around him, shielding him from the attack of eyes by the other members but Jeongin, the adorable youngest member. He holds him close, Felix burying his head in his chest. It's one of the situations in which he loves it that the younger is as tall as he is.