[Re]Finding Myself

RE-FINDING UNDER PROGRESS

After dinner I come back and then open my phone and just surf through internet and then I came across a post by 'Thrive Foundation – Why just survive when you can thrive' which deals with mental health issues. Through their website I start looking for ways to cure myself. I try many other ways to get myself out of this mental trauma but I always end up being recommended to take medication or consult a doctor. I can't do all this because my parents don't believe me. I am just 15 and I can't go for all these extremely expensive methods.

I had always been painting so-called strange things and because my parents had always discouraged my abstract art I wasn't feeling so free about painting my heart out. After many segments of online consultation and after trying yoga and meditation, I somehow feel the need to live. I start painting down all my feelings. I read a blog which says if someone doesn't get you, gets irritated or angry at you imagine that they're kids and treat them like children. This way both the sides will feel satisfied. It's been 15 days since that dinner incident took place and this is the best thing I've read so far. This way I'll be able to maintain friendly relations with my parents. Firstly it's necessary that they recharge my data pack regularly otherwise my online treatment will be stopped. Secondly if they get serious doubts that I sneak reading at night then my phone will be confiscated. Thirdly they're my parents, man! What is Lata Devulkia without Hema Devulkia and Sailesh Devulkia and of course Lalith Devulkia and Charan Mehta. Charan, it's been like months since I properly talked with him. He'll definitely understand if I tell him about insomnia but I don't want to. A month has passed since that dinner incident, I take a few small naps at night for about 10 to 15 minutes. I also watch motivational videos and read many articles by Shan#43, the same blogger. I was always recommended to read more and because I didn't knew much about many writers and also as I wasn't much familiar with many genres, I choose to read articles by Shan#43. She has a very underdeveloped website but because her style of writing is quite progressive I like her way of explaining many things. I'm exploring purpose in my life. Her articles push me to do that. She didn't tell much about mental health but her website deals with many problems of the world especially feminism and climate change. These articles make me realize how small are our problems in front of the problems that the world is facing right now. I understand that life is too short to just worry. We all have enough scope for development but only if we stay dedicated and focused. Since the time I have started practicing yoga and meditation, I started finding peace and I was able to master my mind to some extent. Then one day I read a quote by Emma Watson which stated, "If we stop defining each other by what we are not and start defining ourselves by who we are we can all be freer". This is probably the final blow to my insomnia. After reading this, I realize that I have always been defining myself by what I am not. I have always thought that I make stupid decisions. Even if I get out of my this insecurity and do something that I genuinely wanted to do and by chance if that failed, I would never do that again or at least for the next few days.

I'm finally able to solve the biggest doubt of my life. It's what should I become? I didn't want my dream job to become my 9 to 5 work. I always loved painting but I was also good at coding. My parents said that I should probably become a software engineer and end up becoming a coder but somehow I feel that painting was my ultimate destiny. My parents don't think that painter is a stable job. This is again one of the 1000 quarrels between us. But today I finally find out the solution to my problem. I read another article by my daily author and she writes, "Just imagine that you're a parent and your child is behaving with you the same way you are behaving with them. You will find out the reason behind most of their doings. You will understand that all that majority of them want is your happiness and your security. After all this is probably how you could realize what your parents are going through". I realize that all that my parents are expecting from me is just for my betterment. So, I decide that I could study software engineering and work as a coder till I become a side hobby. This decision makes me feel like a heavy bucket has fallen down from my head. I am so much relieved because I finally come to a peaceful settlement with and my parent's expectations and my passion financially stable enough to take up painting full time. Till then I would continue painting as a side hobby. This decision makes me feel like a heavy bucket has fallen down from my head. I am so much relieved because I finally come to a peaceful settlement with my passion and my parent's expectations.