Newtmas - a regular life

Chapter 9

WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM AHEAD. MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS.

Newt looked up at Tommy, hesitant to see how he would look at him, after he told him his deepest, darkest secret, that he was so ashamed of. He knew Tommy would be ashamed too. Why wouldn't he? Newt had tried to commit suicide, why wouldn't he look down on that? But to his surprise, Tommy smiled, and grabbed his hands.

Newt saw tears brewing in Tommy's eyes, and his smile was wavering. It was a fake smile. Tommy was faking his reaction. Newt knew he shouldn't have been so stupid, to think that for even a second, Tommy wouldn't care what he had done.

"Newt... d - did I really bring back your will to... live?" Thomas still couldn't process that. It made him feel amazing, excellent, but at the same time, he questioned it. Why did he mean so much to Newt? He didn't even mean that much to himself. How could he make someone that happy? "Why do I mean that much to you? I'm not worth that much. I-" Newt stopped Tommy. he didn't want to hear him talk bad about himself. 

"You may not be worth that much to yourself, but you're worth that much to me. You never make me question myself, you always make me happy. If I'm feeling upset, you know how to cheer me up. You mean the world to me, Tommy. And I never want you to forget that." Newt hated the fact that Tommy didn't think he meant anything. That was a lie. Tommy meant everything. How could he say that about himself? It wasn't true at all.

"I - I really mean that much to you? I never knew that I - oh,Newt. I feel the same way about you just - just please promise me you'll never - ever - do anything like that again, okay? Because next time... you may not sur - survive. And I can't bare to live with the thought that I couldn't save you. That I didn't do anything in time. Just, please promise me that. Will you Newt?" Thomas looked at Newt, looking for any sign of doubt.

"Tommy, I," Newt didn't finish his sentence right away. How could he promise Tommy that? How could he swear to the boy that meant most to him, that he would never do anything bad to himself again? Who was to say that he didn't fall into a deep pit of depression again? Never the less, Newt told Tommy he promised, even though it may not be a full-fledged promise, to make him happy. "I promise, Tommy."

Tommy smiled, saying, "Thank you, Newt. I love you." He hugged Newt, and Newt felt tears running down his face. He couldn't stand the fact that he was lying to Tommy. He meant to much to him.

"Newt, are you okay?" Newt started to nod, but stopped. He shook his head, and buried his head into Tommy's shoulder. "Tommy, I - I'm sorry. I ca - can't promise yo - you that I won't do anything. Wha - what if I start to become depressed again? I can't lie to yo - you. I'm sorry, Tommy," Newt said, starting to sob harder.

"Newt, listen to me. You mean the world to me. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Just, at least give me your word, that you'll do your best not to do anything, okay? At least give me that, Newt. Please," Thomas said, starting to feel tears running down his own face. He loved Newt, and needed him. He couldn't live without him.

Newt further dug his head into Tommy's shoulder. He thought about what Tommy had just said. He could promise him that, at the least. That he would try to stay out of trouble. He needed to, for Tommy."Okay, To - Tommy. I will promise you tha - that. But, just pl - please understand, that even though I'll tr - try to stay out of trouble, I m - may become depressed again, and st - start-"

"Newt, it's o - okay. Just te - tell me if you be - become depressed again do if , okay? I ne - need to know," Thomas said, cutting Newt off. He didn't know what he would do if Newt started... hurting himself, and he didn't want to know. It would break his heart.

"O - okay, Tommy. I wi - will," Newt said, while pulling his head out of Tommy's shoulder. He kissed him, tears still running down his face, wetting Tommy's face. But he couldn't care less. He kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Newt's waist. Newt put one of his hands on Tommy's face, and the other hand on his chest. They fit perfectly.

Thomas could taste their tears mixing in with the kiss but he didn't care. He kissed harder, with more passion, trying to show Newt how much he loved him. Newt kissed him back, tears running down his face at a quicker pace. But they weren't just depressed tears, they were also happy tears.

Thomas was still heartbroken over Newt's confession, and he didn't think he would ever get over it. Newt always seemed so happy, he would never had guessed what he was hiding beneath his shell. You just couldn't judge a book by its cover.