Rant Book

1

[A/N: this was right after I had realized that my nosy parents were left in the car for several hours with my journal, where I wrote about my stories, and also the girl I like. My homophobic parents. I was so scared.]

My thoughts are racing. So many things are going through head. So many things could happen, everything could collapse around me. These could be my last few minutes before everything is different.

I don't want different. Not like this. I'm so afraid. Afraid of what they'll say, afraid of what it will do to me.

I was happy. I've worked hard for this happiness, and it could all disappear.

I don't want to go back to the dark place. To doctors and counselors. To feeling afraid of my own thoughts.

I don't want that again, not ever. But I'm afraid that if they find out (when they find out), I'll go back there.

I'll lose everything again. My friends, my privacy, my writing. The comfort of my own mind. Even my writing. Writing calms me. It gives me a place to collect my thoughts, process them, and make a logical plan. But it's not meant to be read by people around me.

And now, even at this moment, my words could be read by prying eyes.

I feel so sick. I want to go inside and cry, but there is no privacy here. Not until night, when I can hide in my bed. I just need to release this fear. That's why I'm writing this, I have to get it out somehow.

I'm so scared. What will they do if they knew? Send me to therapy? Probably. Have me talk to church leaders, definitely.

But H. I would lose her, and the worst part is that she would never know why. She might just think that I hated her. That would hurt her so much. I don't want to hurt, and I wouldn't be there to comfort her. It would hurt her, thinking that I wanted to leave her behind (I'm so sorry, H, if this happens).

This could be it. The calm before the storm. Except the storm would never cease roaring, and I fear that I may become lost in it.

[A/N: By some miracle, they didn't read it. I'm so grateful. But I thought I'd publish this, give you guys an insight to my thought process at the time.]