With Love From Marz

Just Us

 To write about myself was not easy. Took me some years to come back to this story. A story nobody could steal. The way I will plainly put my words into the pages. Plagiarism is a thing. If you didn't know it. Now you do. Is how you can explain me. Not everything I speak on is real. It sounds real right. Listen if you put me on the stage to read a line and I will have stage freight. You wouldn't couldn't tell. I tell a joke to far its becomes unfunny. I even repeat a joke so much. It won't even be funny anymore. To get over the days I feel down. I manifest a video that will make me laugh. An all I ever wanted to do was shine. I created a world to be me to live in. Where beauty, awkwardness, my truth of being me, is expressing an embarrassing moment of my life. Ive had many and i will time and time again tell you them in the pages of my life.  Alright to help you feel a bit comfortable with the person you sit with today let me get out this one first so that we can connect on a high level of understanding of who Iam. One time I asked for donations for my grandma for her funeral. She wasn't even past away. Yep, that was me. On tik tok with a poster asking for donations to bury my grandma. Next thing you know she has dementia. Like she planned it. I at times felt she might of felt ashamed of me. For doing that. I tried to laugh about it. Later with my friends. Anyone who knew me knew I didn't like my grandmother. Come to find out I was that family member everyone didn't want to invite. Im not a victim. I remember one time we had a family get together.  I was stuck outside. They locked the door on me. So that I wouldn't come inside to sing happy birthday to my cousin. I sat outside forgiving them. That is how much I feel we will hopefully bond together through the pages of my life. Your just too bright to shine around those who don't believe you. It's usually a stranger that believe in you first. I pray my heart never changes towards strangers. Im a stranger to you. To the person reading my story. I hope we can bond and I hope this story helps you tell yours. So lets bond. 

I never knew how to be a friend. I never knew how to be a family member. I get by, telling myself. I was adopted. The mother i have is not really my mother. I have different nose and ears. I part myself from them because Iam different. So different i become discouraged to not let people get to close to me. My brain doesn't work like normal people do. I try not to get to comfortable with associating myself with people who try to get close to me. I release them when they become to close to me. My story will be told here. My words won't be twisted. Misheard or misunderstood than. Do i fear what the world will think. No. I assume people who know me know my heart. An know that I serve what I protect. My faith in God. His mercy when I don't deserve it. I'm thinking alot of people don't think i deserve what i have. I'm arrogant with how God holds me up. Because i been through the challenges, the fear, the dismissal, the dramatic character change. My thoughts are not always pure. When you've hated the enemy so much you pray not to become it beg God not to change your heart.

 Scared to read a line Infront of big crowds. Outspoke, funny, outgoing. I have my parents' humor. I love it. the definition of weird. i was not looked down on. About me. Yes, that's me, I have stage freight. Talking about what I loved definitely made others uncomfortable. They hate to hear that I was in fear from a dream. That's all i had was a dream. I annoyed people.  I noticed when people are around me long enough, they become a different version of themselves. Everything becomes precises, maybe even so much insight they pinpoint a question with full insight. Maybe even see someone famous. 

Such a strange, empathetic role I face. I'm not an idiot. I'm not useless. People in my life made me feel that way. Even when i tried to uplift them. The advice I give out may be a bit Madea. 

God still heard my prayers. I felt that he led me in a way that would have been the best outcome of my curiosity.  I've never had to face another person who was insensitive or lead me astray and if they did, I know that I would be okay somehow. The fighting and arguing was because people had another agenda. Reminds me of my mother. Carrying reasons, I can only despise such a person. Dealing with a mother that was fierce, led by faith. I always got this play dumb to outsmart the enemy. Convincing enough god took the common sense out of us at the right moment. It was hard to deal with at times.  Turning a blind eye and still can't admit the truth of reality. Where was the apology? She broke down. A mother, grandmother torn to face. What years later destroyed a trust i have been spending years to build with my family. When i go within i scare myself.