by the sidelines • haechan

one

"I told you to be careful, right?" Coach Yoon snapped in frustration as I trudged back with mixed feelings. She handed me my water bottle, but I couldn't bear the drink it given the current circumstances.

"We're going for a golden round?" I couldn't hide my incredulity. My coach leaned forward in her seat and stared at me with sparks in her eyes.

"Yes, so keep it simple, don't rush in. Focus," she advised strictly, and for once, I felt inferior. But I already had the urge to throw kicking combos the moment I reenter the mats.

"Chung! Hong!"

She grabbed my arms before I left. "It's one point, you can do it."

Stepping back onto the mats, I wore my headgear with determination. Conflicting thoughts flood my head as to whether I should follow Coach Yoon's advise or not. But when I came face to face with her again, I made up my mind

"Start!"

I slid in with a slamming kick instantly, but she managed to dodge it quickly, looking quite intimidated. Right, I know myself better.

Faking a few checked kicks, I managed to get her closer to the edge of the mats. A plan popped into my head.

Once I got her close enough, I spun on my sole as fast as I can, shooting my leg straight to her body. At the same time, a foot landed on the side of my padding, pushing me from the other direction.

Silence surrounded the arena as both of us struggled to remain balanced. I watched as she stumbled off the mats as my foot pivoted a way it shouldn't.

Pop!

Excruciating pain surged up my leg as I struggled to my feet, my opponent doing the same. There was a commotion among the crowd behind us as the referee was called over to the panel in front while both of us went back to the middle.

Nervousness took over me, dismissing the pain that was embracing my ankle. I glanced towards the scoreboard, then to my coach, who gave me an uncertain nod. I was sure my foot impacted her before hers did, or at least I fell before she did.

After a heated discussion, the referee came back to the middle, looking at both of us ambiguously.

"Hong, win!"

The crowd cheered wildly as I watched my opponent skip happily to her coach, grinning happily while I was left with disbelief. I... lost?

"Are you okay?" Coach Yoon's voice snapped me back to reality, and I finally felt the numbness that was taking over my ankle. She helped me out of the mats and straight to the medic room, settling me down onto a chair. She seemed to have noticed my withdrawn state and crouched down in front of me.

"It's okay, mistakes happen," she sighed as she placed a hand on my knee, "As long as you learn from it."

My eyes shifted to her sympathetic face. But I don't make mistakes, was what I wanted to tell her, but I was starting to doubt myself even then. Was that really a mistake?

I watched as the medic wrapped an ice pack around my ankle, causing me to wince upon impact. Coach Yoon stood up as the medic left.

"I have to take a few other competitors, so come out when you're feeling better." I watched her as she exited the room, leaving me drowning in my thoughts again. It was long until another being walked in slowly. I recognise that face.

She hesitantly sat down beside me, fiddling with her fingers before saying, "Thanks for the good fight, I learnt a lot from you."

I let out a scoff. A good fight? Was she mocking me? I turned to her, suppressing my irritation.

"Thank you too, for making it memorable," I managed out through gritted teeth. It probably sounded sarcastic, but I have my pride to keep too.

She grinned awkwardly, darting her eyes around the room. Well, if you don't have anything else to say, just leave.

"Get well soon, then," she muttered, before standing up and leaving the room hastily. At that moment, there was nothing left in me but annoyance.

I stood up quickly, the pain emerging again as I placed my foot onto the ground. What's the point of staying here if I'm just gonna get pity parties. I notified the medic before limping out, where the final matches before the prize presentation ceremony were ongoing.

I leaned against the wall, watching dreadfully as one prestigious player landed a reverse onto his opponent's head, causing him to fall. A flood of dejection washed over me yet again.

"You totally trashed her!" An annoyingly high voice caught my ears as I peered up to the stands. Isn't that...

"Congrats again, Yeonhee! She definitely deserved that lost," another one laughed as they praised her once again. My mouth fell agape at their words. I can't believe what I just heard. What's worse was that she was agreeing with them. So she was really mocking me back in the medic room.

At that moment, our eyes met for a split second and her face changed immediately. I decided to ignore her and left for the back door. I'm not gonna go through it twice.

I hobbled over to a bench outside the arena and sat myself down, heaving a great sigh as I gazed into the distance. The frustration and anger in me took an emotional turn, and a sudden wave of regret drowned me deep inside.

What if I had followed my coach's advice? Were my previous victories due to luck then? IF I won, would I actually have deserved it? A million thoughts bombarded me as my mind started quivering with insecurity.

Am I really a worthy fighter?

A being sat beside me and I almost got annoyed again.

"Are you feeling better now?" Coach Yoon asked, smiling at me warmly even though I let her down. Tears couldn't help but form in my eyes.

"Coach Yoon... I was complacent, wasn't I?" I admitted, my voice quivering as I looked towards the ground. I heard her sigh, which was already an answer itself.

"As long as you know how it feels, you can change it," she said directly, piercing a needle through my heart. "So you shouldn't let one loss engulf you forever."

I kept quiet at her words because right now I couldn't think of anything else but how incompetent I was. It felt like she wanted to say something else, but kept quiet for my sake.

So we sat that in silence, watching as cars zoom past metres away from us. After a few minutes, I finally spoke.

"Coach Yoon, can I take a break from Taekwondo?" I muttered out mindlessly. It took her a few seconds reply, but it sounded like she expected it.

"Of course, take the time you need." She paused and looked me in the eye, smiling assuredly. "As long as you don't quit."

I managed a small smile and nodded.

---

Legend:

Chung - blue; the opponent wearing the blue-coloured padding

Hong - red; the opponent wearing the red-coloured padding

Gamjeon - penalty point given for falling down, stepping out of the mats, under belt kicks etc