Chasing Butterflies

A Heavy Heart

I will always remember the beautiful charmer, a lonely boy that opened up to a shy girl. When I went back to my real world, I was a better person for having met him. But when he never called me again, I was devastated. How could it be that he didn't feel the same as me?

He had made me feel real but it was all a beautiful daydream.

For a very long time, I searched every face with the hope of finding him again. I wanted to pretend it didn't matter and started going out almost every evening with my friend Carly. Several times I called him but chickened out before he would pick up. My sorrow turned to anger. Why couldn't he end it like a man? Why couldn't he just call me like a friend? We could at least be friends. How could he just ghost me like that?

Staring at the stars, I remembered his laughing voice and for a moment I could swear I had heard it. I got into my car and drove to his house. For a while, I just stared at his window feeling like a silly love-sick girl willing myself not to cry. I got out of the car and walked around feeling the breeze coming from the beach and could almost feel his warm fingers hold my hand. I looked down expecting to see his pale hand but it was just wishful thinking.

It must be a sign, I thought, so I walked into the building till I stood in front of his door. So close and yet so far. My heart thumped in my chest afraid of what he might say. My mind thought of excuses as to why I was there, but that was silly. I should just come out and say it. "I miss you."

I knocked on the door and waited the torturous seconds till he would come to the door. My heart fell to my feet when a beautiful smiling girl opened the door. Her smile fell as she saw the terror in my eyes.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, I think I may have the wrong door."

"Are you looking for Yo-han?"

I nodded having temporarily lost the ability to speak.

"I'm Emily, his sister, come in please," she said with a gentle smile.

I followed her into his apartment relieved that she wasn't his new girlfriend.

"Can I get you a drink?"

"No thank you, I won't be staying. I just wanted to know how he is."

"Please sit down, I will explain everything."

I walked into the familiar room where I had spent so many hours with him, suddenly awkward where I had felt so at home.

"There was no other car you see.  Only his car crashed into a tree.  So there is no way of knowing if it was an accident or he did it deliberately."  

Tears started to flow from my eyes.  She hadn't said he was dead, not in those words but I knew.  I knew he was gone and was never coming back to me.  

"Did he leave a note?  If he didn't leave a note, it's not suicide."

She stared at me before answering, "no he didn't.  How well did you know my brother?"

"He wasn't sad.  Yes, I know he suffered from depression and his life wasn't perfect, but we were together and we were so happy.  It was very new still, you know, like when you can't find a single damn thing you don't like about each other."

She nodded understanding my pain.

"He'll always be perfect in my heart, he'll never get older, he'll never stop loving me, but it hurts too much."

I stood up and looked into her eyes and noticed how much they looked like his, "I will always love him," I said.  "My condolences to you and your family.  Goodbye."

I had to leave. The confines of the room were making me feel like I couldn't breathe.  It was too final.  It was too much.  I looked out at the vast expanse of sky and called out, "where are you, my love?"

I couldn't understand how the sky could be so clear and beautiful.  I searched for his sweetness within it.  I don't know what I expected.  It's not as if he would answer.  He was lost to me forever and all that was left for me was to grieve.  Grieve until the unfathomable pain somewhat subsided.  My heart was given to misery and I wept. 

It's like the wind that gently strokes me
It's like dust that gently drifts along
You're there but for some reason, I can't reach you, stop
You, who's like a dream is a butterfly high to me

-Butterfly by BTS

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