matters of the heart

18

But even with that, I got dealt the bad hand and that made me sad. I moped around for days. Once again, I had no reason to get out of bed or do anything worthwhile. I binged in every sense of the word-food, movies, tv-shows-that I lost track of time. That's until my friends had enough of me and planned an intervention. All three barged into my room with determined looks.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked in a monotone. My own voice sounded foreign to my ears-I hadn't spoken for days.

"Lorraine, I know it f*cking sucks what happened but you have been moping around and feeling sorry for yourself for way too long now." Elle said as she pulls off the sheets from under me.

"And you've been missing all your classes which is so not you." Shadé added, her face scrunched up as she continued to clear out the place.

"Not to talk about ignoring the people who are only trying to help-" Samantha placed my laptop on my dresser before pulling open the curtains "us, it's understandable because we're your friends and we can take the heat, but your parents?" She shakes her head "no child."

"They have no idea what's going on. Your mum's worried sick." Shade added.

"So now, you're going to get in the shower while we clean up this mess and you get your sh*t back together. Literally."

When I don't move, I see fear flash in Sam's eyes like I'm a failed cause or something and they're about to loose me to some impending doom. Samantha perched herself on the bed, her eyes not leaving my face.

"Look, we know what happened was horrible and unexpected but you know and we know it's not the truth and that's all that matters," she waved her hand between her and the girls and they nod in approval "Who cares if some guy named mriconic who probably lives in a shoebox and doesn't have no food in his fridge thinks you slept with Charlie? These people don't know you, they're just talking sh*t because it's easier to do that than fix their own lives. Don't let it get to you and stop you from living your life." Sam pauses and I let her words digest "besides, we've been reporting the posts and most of them have been taken down."

I know it's bad that it wasn't until I heard the last sentence that I decided to get out of bed, accepting that this was supposed to happen to me. After a hug from each one of them, I retreated to the bathroom and shaved every hairy part of my body, washed my hair and conditioned it and then stayed under the shower for more than 30 minutes, letting the steamy water soothe every part of my body.

Under the shower, left with nothing but the sound of the running water and my thoughts, I realised that my biggest fear was leaving our apartment.

Invisibility was my superpower-has always been. I was never the hot girl that turned heads as she walked down the corridor or that happy go lucky girl who was liked by everyone. I was never popular or known. I was just me-the girl so quiet she was nicknamed a mute. And even with all of that behind me, I never got out of my shell. Worrying too much about what people would think about me if I acted a certain way has stopped me from doing a lot of things and it continues to do so. Now, my biggest fear is walking out that door or to my class and people looking me differently or with judgement in their eyes because they think they know what I've done.

And then there's that one person I never want to see again. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. But no matter how angry I am, there's that fear of seeing him again. How am I going to act? How are the people around us going to act? How is he going to act? Knowing fully well what he's done. Knowing fully well he lied on my name and put me in a position where I've been called out and dragged by his minions. Whatever happens all I was sure about was that I wanted nothing to do with him again.