Ever since I was a child, for some reason I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember that even back then I used to be confused about that. How could I not give a shit about anything but still feel that way? A contradiction I couldn't wrap my disproportionate head around then, neither can I now (even though the ratio head/body had improved drastically since my childhood).
I never saw myself as a genius. However, I've always thought that I'd like to be just stupid enough to not screw my whole head up about minutiae day in day out. I figured (and still do) that I wouldn't get these crises that have been following me my whole life in the most inconvenient moments. Like at this particular moment. Right after doing it with beautiful, wonderful Alice. Ever since I knew her, when I had one of these bad moments, I try to recall the first time our paths crossed. It had been some years and much to my dismay, I started forgetting some of the details.
I met her the old kitschy way. If it weren't for her, it would've been just another rainy Sunday. I was on a train towards the middle of nowhere because apparently, that's where a very picturesque village was. River, castle and all that jazz. My two friends, whom I was living with at the time, were out for the weekend, visiting their parents back home. I stayed. However, I didn't feel like staying at our place, letting loneliness eat me up and spit me out like it has done with me so often and still does from time to time. That was the only reason for my little day trip. I was determined to try and have a good time all by myself, even though I'm usually not the most cheerful person, be that alone or accompanied. I would have more than just a good time that day, not by myself though.
Luck was on my side when I got onto the train; a booth of four was completely empty in the first train car. My favorite. So, I took the opportunity and installed a little camp there. The window seat facing in the direction of travel seemed most appealing for me to sit in. I put my coat on the seat in front of me and my rucksack by my side, just in case. Like that, my soon not so solitary journey started. I put in my headphones, pulled out my rugged notebook and pen and started to scribble some shit.
After an hour or so, I grew tired and took a look around the train. The car was nearly empty, except for this girl who was sitting in the booth to the left of mine. I could see that she was using the same tactics of solitude as me, only she placed her purse in front of her and her jacket to the right. I must have been staring for too long because suddenly, she turned her head towards me and her lips started moving. I froze. After a very long second, I realized that she was talking to me and took out my headphones.
".... Look troubled."
"Are you talking to me?" - I asked, stupidly. I even pointed at myself, index finger to the chest and all.
"Who else would I be talking to? We're the only ones on the whole train, I think."
"Probably."
"So, as I was saying, you look troubled. Are you all right?" – I felt like she had my whole being figured out in a matter of seconds.
"Yes. Why shouldn't I be?" - I was into my second sentence with her and already started lying. I knew exactly why I shouldn't be all right and so did she.
"Maybe because of the unbearable lightness of being a young adult in this polluted world."
"What?"
"Or maybe because it's always raining in this joint. I don't know... What's your name?" – She was radiating youthful joy that day. Everything suddenly seemed brighter and more appealing.
"What's yours?" – I tried to be mysterious.
"Alice. Haven't been through wonderland yet, though. Just in case you were about to make a reference or something."
"OK, Alice. Nice to meet you." – I wasn't feeling inspired enough to make any kind of reference.
"Nice to... meet you, too." – the pause was due to her getting her foot tangled up with the sleeve of her jacket while standing up to come over to my booth. She tripped but managed to fall into the seat next to mine.
"Very gracious." – I meant that as a genuine compliment.
"You're funny. So, what, you're trying to escape a grey, lonely Sunday at home, too? I didn't know what to do, so I got on the first train that seemed fun to ride on"
"Actually yes. My housemates are out for the weekend and sitting around by myself never did me any good, so I figured I might as well knock myself out exploring this beautiful country of ours." – The words just seemed to come out of my mouth by themselves. I normally didn't drop that much information on someone I had just met.
"Let's do that together, then." – It was settled. Even though by accident, I had once again left loneliness behind me in a cloud of thick, seemingly impenetrable dust. Later, the wonderful dust turned out to be very much penetrable after all, as I already mentioned.
Alice turned out to be very touchy, which I only appreciated because of her stunning beauty. It was as if she'd been born in a dream and somehow made her escape to the real world to make men like me drool and suffer. She had long, abundant brown hair, which had a hypnotizing glow to it, accentuating the faint hint of curls the tips of her hair formed. Her silhouette resembled an hourglass, minus the stress of time running out. She had eyes the color of freshly harvested honey, high, accentuated cheekbones and a small mouth with the most desirable lips. I took a glance at her ass for the first time when she bent over to grab her things, moving them over to my booth. That's when I knew I was lost. Flashes of her doing indecent things to me began invading my mind and haven't left since. The journey was over before I knew it. Time flies when you're having indecent daydreams...
The funny thing is, I recall us getting off the train and all but I can barely remember a thing about the village, even though we spent the whole day and night there. I believe Alice took pictures, I ought to ask here to show them to me one of these days...The whole issue about having to spend the night there is easy to explain: we enjoyed each other's company too much. We were at a small, dimly lit place having dinner and some wine. The last train was leaving at 9:30pm, we checked that at around 8. The next time we looked at a clock it was because the place was closing, it was 10. Our initial reaction was to laugh loudly. That was the first time I noticed how far she was able to open her rather small mouth.
"Now what?" – I asked, still pretty amused.
"We'll have to get a room and get out of here tomorrow, I'm afraid."
"Probably"
We left the restaurant so the poor old woman who owned it and served us could finally close, as we were the only people left inside. We took a bottle of one with us. The village was a tourist trap, so finding a room was easy enough if rather costly. At the hotel, we found there were only rooms with double beds. Shame.
"I hope you're into cuddles." – Alice wasn't bothered by spending the night in one bed with a complete stranger. I remembered attributing that to our special connection even back then. Luckily, I turned out to be right. I wasn't too eager to go to bed yet, so I suggested we should take a walk to which she agreed. There were lots of street lights but only a small part of them were lit and understandably so, as there wasn't a single soul walking on the streets other than the two of us. It felt like the whole world was in the palm of our hands that night.
"Care for a cigarette?" – Alice asked. We'd been smoking from my pack the whole day.
"How come I suddenly deserve the privilege of being offered one of yours?" – I took two.
"Because I'm taking a liking in you." – She said, playfully.
"Fair enough." – I tried to sound casual, quickly adding: "...likewise." – ruining all casualness. Alice laughed. Then she yawned and suggested we go back to the hotel.
When we got to our rather spartan bed-cupboard-nightstand room, she took off her pants, tossed her jacket on the floor and got into bed, covering the mesmerizing curves of her body with the thinly woven blanket, creating a beautiful landscape in the process. I just stood there, gazing at her.
"Aren't you tired?" – She asked, sounding sleepy already. I took off my coat and pants and lay down, too. I kept some distance at first. I didn't want to bother her as she seemed tired. Then, she turned around. We were now facing each other.
"I think we should break the ice." – She put her right hand on my left cheek, pulled me closer, shut her eyes and kissed me. It was the warmest, most pleasant feeling I had experienced in years. After a while, we stopped, and she turned around without saying a word. She took my left hand and put it under her shirt, around her waist. My heart was racing as I was touching her delicate body for the first time. I decided not to go all-in. It just didn't feel natural right there and then. I concentrated on the smoothness of her skin and the hypnotizing smell of her hair.
"Good night, handsome." – She whispered sloppily.
"Good night, Alice."
