Open Letters

Letter 1: To a person I Once Knew.

Hello, How have you been? It's been a while.

We used to be the best of friends, but nowadays we have drifted so far apart, we have become nothing much more than aquaintances.

I write this letter to expel from the corners of my mind emotions that I held for a long time, so that they won't bother me anymore. I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start from the beginning.

When I first met you that first day of Seventh grade, boy did I not know what I was in for. We have exchanged "hellos" and "Hi's" in the hallways the previous year, but I did not come to know you until that year. I like to think we became friends quickly, but you had me absolutely smitten, your long hair, our shared interest, the fact you were one of the few people that were nice to me. Our cringiest of years, I'd say, based on the stuff we did with the whole FNaF thing, but then again it was actually popular back then, so...

We got to know each other more, formed into our group of friends, you told me the ghosts of your past, and I listened and was there. Our entire group was there. Now today, that group has mostly dissolved, as many groups do, and that's perhaps for the best. It was also a strage year, considering the fact you effectively had a harem or whatever the opposite gender equivalent is.

But we were the best of friends through middle school and into high school. I had to break things off that year with my girlfriend because I apparently made a joke that I still don't recall making that effectively flipped the kill switch on that. In hindsight, I should have asked what it was that I said and gone from there, but I was a fucked up person in Freshman year, and I lacked the emotional maturity to see that. To this day, that remains the longest relationship I've been in. Another relationship had come and gone, and that second one destroyed me especially. It turned out that she had been leading me on that entire time. For a whole month, she had led me to believe she felt the same about me which I felt about her. I panicked and practically ghosted her for almost two years, but I can at least say that we reconnected to a point and are, at least I think, good friends.

I came to you in that time, and you were there for me. You had helped me more than even I knew. Which led to about 2 weeks after that, when you asked me out. I will admit, I made a mistake here. What I should have said was that I wasn't ready. That I needed to know that I would be ok. What I said instead, was "yes". The month that followed was a month of many firsts for me. One of the most exciting times. So when that came to an end on the day before Valentine's Day, took the building up that I had done and ripped it out from under me. And when I was replaced the next day, that just dug me even deeper into that dark pit.

To this day, I still don't understand your motive in dating me. Did you actually feel anything for me? Did you simply pity me, feel sorry for me? Or did you intentionally take the opportunity to set me up again to be hurt? To this day, I don't know. Another month later, in a twist of fate, you broke up with the girl you replaced me with and pushed us tofgether, and another relationship began. That very same month, my great grandma died. One day I was at home, minding my own business, the next I was on a train to Kentucky, where I watched her get buried for my birthday.

When I came back, I wasn't the same. I was distant, emotionless, and alone. Within a few days, My girlfriend left me. The fourth relationship down the drain. And the thing that disturbs me the most was the fact that I just brushed it off so easily. I was already at such a low point that I was incapable of feeling anything more. There is no worse feeling than not being able to feel. Because once your emotions go, your humanity goes with it. Since that day, I have not had another relationship. And as I started recovering, I did the stupid thing and went to you. You gave me those words, those reassurances and I took them readily. And just like her, you led me on again.

Except this time, you seemingly used it to alienate me from the rest of the group. It just seemed like you had knocked me down and were now proceeding to kick me while I was down. We grew distant through that year, and I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't innocent in this; I was a very fucked up person at that time. Someone whom I'm relieved to say I am no longer. I went on a trip that year as well, this time for the birth of my second nephew. Those were the best six weeks of my life. And in the meantime, people were talking shit about me, you included. You told me as much. And that's where the disillusionment began.

I had met another person that year who became part of a group of friends I like to call "The bois". He told me what you had said.And that was when the curtain was ripped from its rails, and I saw what you were doing to me. For a year and a half, my feelings regarding you was nothing but resentment and anger that you would do this. The dots started connecting, and it sasddened me. One of my closest friends, if not at the time my closest friend, had turned their back on me long before I had realized. I never said anything; after all, you had already moved, if I remember correctly.

In the year that followed, I continued to change and grow as a person, and I finally came to realise that I wasn't the person you knew. Not anymore. I was more mature, more developed. And I finally learned to understand and build. So I guess that what I really want to say is, I forgive you. I have put it behind me, and I no longer feel any ill feelings on it looking back. I don't need or expect an apology; I have already let it go.

I write this with full awareness you are on here, and may actually come to see this. I did not name any names, as you can see. If you know the story, you know who each person was. But If you see this, I'm still here, and I'm a different person from 2-3 years ago, thank god. If you ever want to talk, my DMs are open, just shoot me a message and I'll welcome you as an old friend.

-Lambda